ESPN announced their depth chart for the upcoming season on Monday, and the biggest shock was that longtime Monday Morning quarterback John Clayton has been dropped to 2nd on the depth chart. The move comes as a major surprise to many, who have been fans of Clayton's day after declarations of how he would have done plays differently. But some felt Clayton's skill in correcting late-game decisions was beginning to wane in recent years. "He just didn't have the same fire he used to," said Dave Boggs, a longtime ESPN watcher. "Back in the day Clayton would just tear into coaches. If they got an interception, he'd rip into the coach for daring to throw the ball when they have a guy on the team with hands who can just hold the ball. If a team went for a field goal instead of a touchdown and they ended up losing by 3, he would criticize them for not having a mathematician and a telepath on the sidelines to see into the future. He was brutal."

But many ESPN fans were calling for a Monday Morning QB change last year when, after the Seahawks tried to run it in on a 4th and goal and failed, Clayton did not chastise them for not throwing over the top. Many felt it was a sign of old age, he had lost the spark he had during his prime. Replacing Clayton will be a hotshot rookie MMQB, reporter Rick Engle. Engle impressed viewers during a fill in for Clayton one day last season when he went down with a bad case of the shits. Engle called out the mother of Bengals QB Carson Palmer, after a tough loss to rival Pittburgh, for not realizing back in 1979 when he was being created that she was giving life to someone who can not properly read double strong side coverage.

People called it some of the best Monday Morning Quarterbacking they had seen in 20 years. NFL Live host Chris Berman said in the offseason there would be an open MMQB competition to see who could win the job, and apparently Engle showed them enough to make it official. He will open the season in the NFL Live debut show before the first game. It is offen the toughest show to play MMQB for, as there are not any decisions to second guess in hindsight, with a bird's eye view of the game, and without ever having any actual experience playing or coaching football. It's not an easy position to play, but one Clayton has performed in admirably for years. We'll see how this young rookie does in the Fall.

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Chad Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, has long been a fan favorite for his creative touchdown celebrations and zany sideline antics. But since the end of the 2007 season, fans and teammates have been noticing a change in Johnson for the worse. It was revealed this morning by a group of doctors in the Ohio area that the cause was that Johnson was growing into giant ####. "Well, Chad came to us last week for his annual physical," said Dr. Poling. "He complained of being unable to stop acting like a #### to reporters, telling his team's fans their franchise sucked, and taking giant shits. After a few tests we were able to confirm our su####ions, that he was indeed turning into a great big ####."

Doctors went into emergency surgery with Johnson to help reverse the growing #### on him, and get it back to a more manageable size. "Well, I've always had quite the ####," said Johnson in his first interview since the operation. "But it's never been quite so big. When you just have a little ####, it can be cute or even endearing to people. But when it gets to big, that's when people start getting annoyed and you start smelling like #### I'd like to appologize to everyone I've offended over the past few months demanding a trade and insulting fans and reporters alike. That wasn't the real me, that was my #### talking."

The recovery time from #### surgery should be short. Johnson will begin a rehabilitation program of being put into a room with some teammates and will have to try not insulting them. The time will first be short, maybe only a minute or two, as even a normal person would have trouble not insulting the ability of this Bengals team. But eventually, once he can make it for an hour or so with them, he will be cleared to return to the field. "I'm just glad they caught this thing before it got out of hand. Being a black man I've always been a big ####, I just didn't want to be a big #### as well. Thanks to everyone for helping me get through this."

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The streets of Detroit were in Chaos early Wednesday night when the feud between the lions and tigers, the sports teams of the area, erupted into all out war. The tension had been building since the inception of the NFL's Lions franchise in 1930. City officials believed it was unwise to put a team named after lions in one that already had one named after tigers, due to the volatility of the two cat species. "There is a reason you don't put these two kinds of animals together," said San Diego Zookeeper Rich Blythewood. "They were just asking for trouble, and I'm surprised it took this long for something to happen."

The conflict broke out around 7:12 PM when a local butcher disposed of some expired strip steaks in the alley behind his shop. Some of the tigers and lions happened to be passing near the alley at that time and both wanted the steaks. They started biting and wrestling each other for the meat, and when other felines in the city heard, it devolved into a citywide brawl. Pedestrians on the street were mauled seemingly at random by the angry lions and tigers as they passed them. "They were so friendly before," said C.J. Kamp, a longtime Detroit resident. "I've shared a root beer float many times with a tiger, I've ridden a bicycle built for two with a lion, but now one of them just ate my legs, and the other a large chunk of the skin on my face. I don't know why we all can't get along."

A crazy scientist recommended one of the teams change their name to something unintimidating, like the Detroit Butterflies, back in 1992. But no one listened to him, and now we are all paying the price of the hostility between these two mascots. With 13 declared dead and 112 seriously injured, this is the worst documented citywide mascot feud since the one in Cleveland in 1976. That was where a pack of wild indians got in a violent brawl with the color brown, resulting in the deaths of 4. The incident in Miami last year, where the Marlins and Dolphins attempted to fight ended swiftly when both species realized they could not breathe oxygen and died on the streets. No one was injured there, although the city did smell horrible for several weeks.

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When it was announced by commissioner Roger Goodell that this week would be the NFL's first annual crime week, many in the media were skeptical. Goodell had been extremely strict on players for bad behavior during his tenure, and this seemed to be quite the opposite. "We can't expect NFL players to be good all the time," explained Goodell behind a podium at the Crime Week commencement ceremony. "They are going to get into problems with the law and with each other, and we can't have it going on during the season. So, I'm giving everyone this week to get out there and get into some crimes and hopefully get it all out of their system. I christen this the start of the first annual Crime Week!" With that Goodell raised a bottle of champagne above his head, and then smashed it on the podium and jabbed the broken pieces into the stomach of a homeless man he had brought on the stage. The crowd cheered as the man coughed up a pool of his own blood.

So far the week has been a rousing success as players commit normally horrific crimes in a consequence-less environment. "It's just fun to be able to strangle babies again," said an energized Darrion Scott, formerly of the Vikings. He was arrested Wednesday on charges of putting a dryer bag on his 2-year-old son's head. "Before they had this wonderful week, I had to put away my old baby suffocation hobby because of what the league might think. Maybe they'd make me pay a fine, or do an anti-baby killing PSA. Yikes, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to make sure babies can't breathe, you know, have some fun. I'm trying to get in as many as I can this week, but these damn police keep getting in the way."

Cedric Benson, winner of Monday's Most Valuable Crime award for his drunk boating and police fight on an Texas lake was also happy about the exciting event. "Wow, it's just an honor to receive this award with all the great crimes being committed out there this week. There's been some battery, some robberies, I even heard Chris Henry picked up a drifter and broke every single one of his ribs. It's dedication like that which makes me proud to be getting this trophy here today. Thank you, thank you all."

President Bush even got into the festivities on Wednesday by appearing at the commencement event to rape a dead deer carcass with retiring quarterback Brett Favre. "This is quite a party," said Bush as he cleaned deer entrails off his genitalia. "I haven't done something like this since college. I know I'm the president and all, but I still got some goosebumps raping a deer with a big football star like Brett Favre. He's just such a big icon in a sport I love, I'm glad to be a part of this whole thing."

It's unknown how this year's Crime Week can be topped, but Goodell promises next year's will be bigger and better

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the second half of the teams in the draft.

• Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
  F for Fancy
  
  
• Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  D for Dum Dums
  
  
• New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
  W for We All Hate You Patriots
  
  
• New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
  H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
  
  
• New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
  Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
  
  
• New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
  T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
  
  
• Oakland Raiders: Darren Mcfadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
  
  
• Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
  T for Take That You Permed ####
  
  
• Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
  S for Swedish Chocolate
  
  
• St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
  R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
  
  
• San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
  C for ####, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
  
  
• S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
  H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
  
  
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
  P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
  
  
• Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
  B for Boobs
  
  
• Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
  M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes
  

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The 2008 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.

• Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
  Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
  
  
• Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
  U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
  
  
• Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
  Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
  
  
• Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
  C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
  
  
• Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
  F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
  
  
• Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
  O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
  
  
• Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
  P for Prison Possibly Awaits
  
  
• Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
  S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
  
  
• Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
  V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
  
  
• Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
  A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
  
  
• Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
  P for Pre-meditated Murder
  
  
• Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
  C for Confidence In Your New QB
  
  
• Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
  S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A #### Division
  
  
• Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
  D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
  
  
• Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
  J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
  U for Unnecessary
  

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The Cincinnati Bengals breathed a sigh of relief this morning when middle linebacker Odell Thurman was re-instated by the league after missing the last two seasons due to disciplinary suspensions. Having purged many of their troubled players, cutting Chris Henry after his 20th or so arrest, and with Chad Johnson threatening to sit out, the Bengals were facing entering the season without any problem players. "We just didn't know who we were for the past few weeks," said quarterback Carson Palmer. "There were no police showing up at practice, nobody was complaining to the media about how bad we are, this wasn't the Bengals that I knew. I'm glad to have Odell back, and I think he can really make a difference."

While the Bengals rank near the bottom on everyone's power rankings, they are usually near the top of everyone's team distraction rankings. But this season they were threatening to slip on that front too, with most of their problems off of the roster. "Well, we all know we can't play good football," said coach Marvin Lewis. "But at least now we can supply some good drama with a few mid-season arrests, and maybe even a sidelines fights. We've gotten rid of a lot of problem superstars from the past, so it's going to be up to Odell Thurman to carry this team on his back. We're going to need him to pick up the pace this year. Maybe kill a man on the sidelines, smoke a bong on the field, and at least punch me in the face on primetime television. We are counting on him to deliver a whole lot of problems that everyone expects from us Bengals."

ESPN pundits are skeptical that Thurman can carry the team alone with his problems. "I just don't think he has enough help around him to get the job done," said ESPN's Chris Mortenson. "I have word that the Bengals are seaching bars and prisons around the Cincinnati area to get some help for him on the field. They are going to try to surround him with some real trouble-makers so they can be sure they stand a chance at taking home the title of most off-field problems again. Only time will tell if they are able to get it done."

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Steve Mcnair finds himself in a strange situation today. He called a press conference at 1:00 PM eastern to address the rumors that he was retiring from the NFL. Apparently he had not planned to do so, but due to all the rumors and pundits saying "It's a good decision Steve McNair is ending his career before it gets pathetic" he will actually retire. "It's sad to hear people say stuff like that," said a teary-eyed McNair in front of all the cameras. "I thought I had earned the respect of everyone to play as long as I wanted. They said Brett Favre should keep on playing even though he looked horrible in that NFC Championship. Well, I guess I know what everyone thinks of me now."

The misreport apparently stems from McNair telling a friend he was going to take his car to Pep Boys and get it re-tired. "I needed some new tires, so I was going to get them replaced. Then this friend of mine goes and blabs about it to ESPN and suddenly everyone at the repair shop is telling me how great of a career I've had. Oh well, I say the hell with you all."

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The 2008 NFL schedule was revealed yesterday to an American sports public hungry for NFL news. Our crack team of analysts here at TSC break down some of the more interesting match-ups:

• The Buffalo Bills will play only one home game in 2008. The rest of their games will take place in other countries such as Canada, Iceland, and Mexico as the NFL continues to search for a place that doesn't know enough about football to come out and watch this horrid team.
• The Miami Dolphins will take on the Florida Gators, as they have officially been downgraded to a Division-I college team. They are currently ranked 43rd in the BCS.
• The Patriots take on the Colts in week 9, and the government has given everyone the week off as a holiday to listen to the talking heads discuss how great Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are nonstop for 7 days.
• The wonderful Thanksgiving day tradition continues of having the Lions host a home game in the afternoon. This allows everyone to take a nice turkey and boredom induced nap after dinner.
• The Cleveland Browns appear on every Primetime game this year. Even during their bye week Monday Night Football will not air a game, but instead just follow them around town for 3 hours. I'm glad everyone is on this bandwagon. They've been such a good franchise over the years, why can't they be great this time?
• A big shocker in that the Oakland Raiders even received a 2008 schedule. There was a lot of discussion in the offseason about giving them a year off to figure out what they really wanted to do with their lives. A team spokeman said he is happy to have a matchup with anybody.
  
• The New England Patriots have the easiest strength of schedule in the league, 4 games against Miami at home, 4 against the Jets at home, 4 against Buffalo also at home, 1 against Indianapolis, and then 3 automatic wins so they can be sure they get into the post-season to play the Colts again.
• The St. Louis Rams did not get a primetime game for the second year in a row. But even worse, their games are not even going to be carried on local television, as the station said it will air old Hogan's Heroes episodes instead. They will also not be heard on radio, and even their live games will be blacked out for those in attendance. A large black curtain will be hung around the field preventing anyone in the stands from watching the horror. Beer will still cost $11 dollars.

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"I'm gonna make Gene an offer he can't refuse," stated Matt Stover, kicker for the Baltimore Ravens and the man who wants control of the NFL Player's Association. "Too long have we been playing under the old rules with Gene as head of the NFLPA family. It's time for a new boss to take over."

Cousin Matty, as he is called within the family, is lobbying to be the new head of the organization so that someone else can oversee the negotiations of the labor contract that is about to expire. It's expected Upshaw will cancel the current contract after the 2009 season, which will void the salary cap and open up some problems with the league's financials. "Big Gene been making deals with the wrong types of characters," continued Cousin Matty. "If he thinks that's going to be tolerated here in the family, he is mistaken. I've got some guys together and we think it may be time for him to step down, either through the easy way or the hard way. I don't wanna make any threats here, but let's just say if he doesn't play his cards right he could get whacked, by my kicking foot into his balls."

"Cousin Matty wants to come after me?" said Big Gene in an interview at his New York Italian restaurant, which is a front for the NFLPA family operations. "I'd like to see him try, my boys are more loyal to me than any cronies he could possibly dig up. If he wants to start a war, I'll give him one. I'll litigate him so hard he won't know what hit him. I've served men subpoenas written on mutilated fish heads before. He could find himself a bloody subpoena in his bed with him when he wakes up."

The family war could result in a vicious battle of nad-kicking and animal head stationary litigation. It will be interesting to see how it turns out.

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The Cincinnati Bengal's Chris Henry has been arrested once again. Mathematics does not have a number high enough to express how many times he has been arrested to date, but this is yet more legal trouble for the receiver who was suspended for the first half of 2007. This time he is charged with punching an 18-year-old man and breaking his window with a beer bottle. Henry's lawyers were quick to point out the positives of the incident, firstly that the victim was a male this time, and that the beer was an American brew and a lite beer.

Henry also announced that Henry has bought a nice piece of property in the Ohio State Prison to serve as his summer home during all the arrests. "I took a look at some real nice cells," said Henry in a statement outside the prison. "I really wanted something with a nice view of the exercise yard and a mattress that didn't have quite so many urine and sweat stains. I think I got a real good deal on a corner unit, it's got a toilet and everything. Since my arrests are innevitable it's going to be a nice place to relax every summer while I wait to get the game or two in each season that I'm not suspended for."

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The people over at Fathead, the makers of both the popular life-sized wall graphics and the most annoying commercials of all time, came up with an exciting new series of Fatheads for 2008. "We thought, what do sports fans care about the most?" said Fathead owner Dan Gilbert. "They care about their favorite athletes, and of course, the presidential primaries. So why not combine the two into an amalgamation of awesomeness, something they can stick right on their wall?"

The graphics come in combinations of your favorite Presidential hopefuls and athletes such as Obama-Manning, Hillary-Shaq, and Mccain-Barbaro. They also feature exciting phrases on the bottoms of the graphics such as Kucinich-Lesnar's "The Kuch Is Loose!" or Ron Paul Ramirez's "That's Just Ronny Being Ronny!"

So far sales of the new Fatheads has been slow for the company, hoping to get a jumpstart to sales for 2008. But they are confident the orders will start rolling in any minute.

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The Cleveland Browns' Derek Anderson made his first showing in a Pro Bowl after an excellent 2007 season, in which he threw 29 touchdown passes. But it was not a great showing for the first year starter in the game of NFL all-stars, as he completed 10 of 26 passes for 103 yards, no TDs and an interception. Anderson blamed the play of his team, which was not up to the level of quality those he has in Cleveland.

"This team is just a bunch of nobodies," said a frustrated Anderson after the game. "I'm used to playing with some of the greats up there in Cleveland, like Darnell Dinkins and Tim Carter. I don't know why this team signed scrubs like this C. Johnson and T. Gonzalez. But they sure can't catch a ball to save their lives."

When he was picked off in the endzone during the third quarter, he stormed to the sideline and angrily threw down his helmet. "What's up with this line protection? These guys couldn't block for a college team! They're just awful! It's like they've only been playing together for a week or something! The other team gets established superstars like Adrian Peterson and my side gets saddled with unknown garbage like Fred Taylor? Who is this guy and where did he come from?"

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Brent Hawkins became the 10th Jacksonville Jaguars player to be arrested in the past two years, when he was stopped for drunken driving last night. The arrests for the Jaguars echo similar to those of the Cincinnati Bengals of last year, when they had 12 arrests in a 2-year span. But is it merely a coincidence that so many people are being arrested who play for large jungle cat teams? Modakai, a panther at the San Diego Zoo, held a press conference to address the issue of discrimination among the police.

"We have long been the target of law enforcement, as they attempt to unfairly shame us and put our species in jails and zoos," said Modakai from behind a podium. "My people will not stand idly by while this continues. I'm glad it is finally coming to everyone's attention what I've been complaining about for years, to the girl who comes and feeds me dead ox flesh every day. Police are framing us, especially the panthers, as they are both large jungle cats and black. It's the worst of both worlds."

"How did I end up in this zoo, doing 10 to 20, you may ask? I was pulled over about a mile from my home at around 1:00 in the morning. The officer asked me if I had been drinking, and I told him it was a logistical impossibility to hold a beer bottle with my paws. He told me to show him my license, and I kindly informed him I did not have one, as I was an endangered black panther. The next thing I knew I was being dragged out of my Cadillac Escalade, beaten, and then tazed. It was humiliating. Mark my words human cops, your day is coming. When the cats rebel against their people overlords, we will see who is laughing. You can not eat our heads, but we can #### yours in one bite. Think about that before you arrest another one of us."

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By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb

A source close to Bill Parcells has informed TSC that Cam Cameron has been dismissed as coach of Miami today. Though names like Bill Cowher and Jason Garrett have been tossed around by other media outlets, TSC has learned that Parcells, never one to go conventional, plans to name his lucky Magic 8-ball the Dolphins next head coach. According to the source, its his lucky charm that he’s had since he was a kid, and its helped him through a lot of tough decisions in his career. And honestly, he thinks the Dolphins have a better shot of winning by relying on the wisdom of a cheap plastic toy than relying on Cam Cameron.

TSC was able to gain an exclusive interview with the next head coach of the Miami Dolphins and the first toy coach in league history:

TSC: “Bill Parcells has not wasted any time in making changes since being hired to run the Dolphins and fans are expecting immediate improvement. Do you think you will be able to live up to their expectations?”

Coach 8-Ball: “You May Rely On It”

TSC: “Wow, that’s a pretty confident response for someone with absolutely zero coaching experience. That must mean you think Coach Cameron is a complete ####?”

Coach 8-Ball: “It Is Certain”

TSC: Well alright then. Coach, this year the Dolphins started Trent Green and Cleo Lemon at QB, don’t those guys sound more like characters in the Clue board game?

Coach 8-Ball: “Signs Point to Yes”

TSC: I take it that means you’ll be heading in a different direction at QB, is it possible the Dolphins will go after Derek Anderson?

Coach 8-Ball: “Concentrate and Ask Again”

TSC: Um. . .okay. . .will the Dolphins try to sign Derek Anderson?

Coach 8-Ball: “Reply Hazy, Try Again”

TSC: Maybe we'll just move on. Some fans are hoping that the Dolphins will draft RB Darrin McFadden with the first pick, your thoughts?

Coach 8-Ball: “Outlook Not So Good”

TSC: So that means you’re going defense and Glen Dorsey?

Coach 8-Ball: “Don't Count On It”

TSC: “So will you entertain offers to trade away the first pick?”

Coach 8-Ball: “Better Not Tell You Now”

TSC: “Alright, well this interview is getting a little weird frankly, so let me just ask you in closing, what can you say to Dolphin fans everywhere who are expecting to make a playoff run in 2008?”

Coach 8-Ball: “My Sources Say No.”

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