Bill Parcells handed over the keys to Miami's offense yesterday to Chad Pennington, telling him to be careful with the new franchise he just got over the summer. The move surprised many, as Pennington had his quarterbacking license suspended last month in New York for bad driving. Several times last season he was pulled over by the coaching staff in the middle of games for a QUI, Quarterbacking Unbelievably Incompetently. He was seen swerving balls all over the field and driving the opposite way in traffic, often driving the offense into his own endzone. When pulled over, coaches had him attempt to throw a ball in a straight line, but he could not successfully do it.

Pennington wasted no time in showing that the decision to give him the keys was a bad one, as he played New England in a preseason game later that day and proceeded to crash the offense right in their prized defense. On the first play from scrimmage, Pennington was under big pressure as defensive tackles broke through the Dolphins offensive line and made him sail a pass over the head of Ricky Williams, who was then drilled hard into the ground by a defender. Chad was thrown to the ground after the play, and Parcells ran out onto the field yelling "What have you done to my brand new offense! It's ruined!" Old man Belichick, who takes great pride in his flower garden and defense, also ran out onto the field and surveyed the damage on his fence, "You think your offense if in bad shape, how about my defense! It is supposed to be training to play against good teams, and we have to warm up against this awfulness?! We will never be ready for the regular season!"

To pay off the damages, Pennington has agreed to quarterback the team throughout the season to a record bad enough for Parcells to draft a new offense in the offseason.

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Lovie Smith has been fired today by the Chicago Bears for struggling all pre-season to a horrible 0-2 record. This was quite a disappointment for Chicago, who had been favored to do well in the preseason, mainly because they would be playing against backups most of the time instead of real NFL quality players. But their team was devastated by injuries, and they sometimes had to go to 3rd and 4th string players late in games because of it. Starting QB Rex Grossman has passed for a paltry 120 yards on the season, and was benched after only the 1st quarter of some games this year.

"We had hoped to compete for a playoff spot this year," said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. "But with the preseason half over, and us without a single win, that doesn't leave much time to turn things around. I've been told by the league that we can't make make the playoffs at all no matter what we do in these final two games. But, I don't like to believe that we're playing for nothing, I think these games will matter to getting this team back on track for next year."

"Well, I think we all saw this coming," said a distraught Lovie Smith after hearing the news. "To be winless here at 0-2, with other awful franchises like the Giants and Patriots, it hurts. It hurts this city to be associated with garbage teams like that. I couldn't really settle on my personnel. I think we used 14 different receivers in the last game, that was probably a bad idea. I didn't play some of our really good players. I let my 12 year old son call some plays, because I thought it didn't matter what we did really as long as no one got hurt. But it did matter, we are an embarrassment, and hopefully an interim coach can fix some things and get us turned around."

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Bud Selig announced today that he was bringing an NFL replay system to MLB as early as the end of this month. The system has proved successful in the NFL over the past decade or so, and baseball fans and players have been clamoring for it over the past few seasons. The system will allow umpires to put a replay on the stadium screen of an NFL game, should the baseball on the field become too boring for the fans in attendance.

"There have been a lot of events this year that have made people stand up and say we want replay like the NFL has," said Selig at a news conference talking about the new technology. "We had a game go 23 innings back in March! Who can sit through that?! We've had a couple no-hitters, also very boring for the fans. This system will allow fans something fun to watch if the baseball gets too much to take. Say the catcher is going out to talk to the pitcher for the 12th time that inning. We just put some NFL action up on the jumbotron and everyone can still be entertained."

The system is already making strides to fix some of the blown calls that happen during games. During a Twins-Cardinals matchup, in which the system was being tested, there was a disputed Twins homerun that sent manager Ron Gardenhire out to argue with officials. The umps then called upon the replay system that showed the ending of an intense Colts-Patriots game. Gardenhire then realized that it wasn't worth arguing about, as it was only boring old baseball, and if he delays too long he'll miss the Vikings training camp coverage on ESPN tonight.

So far the NFL replay system is working out great to help fix occasional boredom and blown calls all over the country. During a Washington Nationals game, however, the NFL replays will be shown during the entire game. News of this has led to a 16% increase in ticket sales.

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Despite his latest effort, battling Jet Li as a cursed Chinese emperor, being kind of a failure, Brendan Fraser will be back in a fourth Mummy installment. The sequel will document his fight against an ancient quarterback known as The Favre in the year 2112. It has yet to be explained how Fraser's character is still alive at this time, but it's assumed the amazing writing staff behind the very cerebral Mummy franchise will be able to come up with a perfectly plausible explanation.

"The Mummy IV: Madden Cover Curse" will take Fraser's character to the far reaches of the future temple known as EA Sports. Inside the building, which has been condemned for some 50 years, he discovers the remains of once great players who have appeared on Madden covers. Michael Vick, Shaun Alexander, and Marshall Faulk are all entombed there along with Brett Favre, the fallen Lord Emperor Of New York.

He came to rule the state after leading the Jets to a Super Bowl in his first season, and the 24-7 media coverage around him allowed him to take over a position as dictator. From there he used the NY national guard to stage a war against the rest of the country, eventually moving on Washington DC. The President asked lead adviser John Madden what could be done to stop Lord Emperor Favre, but he said nothing. For Favre's intangibles and gunslings(a new device somehow superior to a real gun) were too much. The President surrendered the country and within a matter of months Favre ruled the entire Western Hemisphere.

But he was entombed in the EA Sports corporate headquarters by a magical priest who decreed that he and others were under to control of the Madden Curse. This was a curse which made them seek world domination, and also want to fight dogs against each other. The only way to stop them was to entomb them in the offices of EA forever. It was also the only way to stop EA from releasing the same game every year with new rosters and one new offensive or defensive feature and charges $60 for it.

When Fraser's character enters the offices in the future, he re-activates the mummified players and has to battle them as they try to take over the world. He must fight against Michael Vick's hellhounds, Marshall Faulk's horrid announcing ability, and outrun Shaun Alexander, as he comes after him 2.2 yards at a time before falling to the ground. After that will he have what it takes to take down Lord Emperor Favre once and for all? Find out next summer...

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Peyton Manning was ruled out of the second preseason game for the Indianapolis Colts, as he continues to recover from the infected bursa sac he had removed from his knee a couple of weeks ago. Manning's PR agent Johnny Philips held a press conference to assure fans of the quarterback, especially the ladies, that he would be back and just as good as before.

"I know a lot of you are worried about Peyton," said Philips. "And it is a commonly known fact that what makes a quarterback great is his giant sack. Brady, Elway, Marino, Favre, we are talking about some of the biggest sacks in history here. But, I assure you that the removal of this sack will in no way affect Peyton's play on the field. You see, Peyton is such a great quarterback because he has multiple sacks hidden throughout his body. That's where he gets his special ability, his intangibles out on the field. He has his normal male sack, a sack on his right shoulder, two more sacks inside his lower abdomen, the sack in his knee, and if he ever took off his shoes you would see that he has not a foot, but a giant sack down there too. This is a man who still, despite the loss, still sweats manliness from his pores. He could get a woman pregnant from touching her after a brisk jog. So, I think we're going to be fine. He will be back soon."

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Jon Gruden sat at his home computer with a smile on his face as he clicked reload and watched the minutes tick down on his bid for Brett Favre on eBay. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach had been watching the auction for weeks, when Favre was listed by the Green Bay Packers for the starting bid of 1 dollar. Towards the beginning of the auction, it looked like either PackinHard4Life or Wisconsinprincess6969 would land Favre after a brutal bidding war. But once the price went about 70 bucks, neither could stay in the race. That was when Gruden put in his bid of $14 million in hopes of adding the superstar to his prized quarterback collection.

Gruden has over 300 old quarterbacks in his home, that he hopes can one day contribute to a championship. When we entered his large estate we found a foyer with Super Bowl winning QB Brad Johnson encased in a plastic case in the middle, presumably to preserve him. As we passed him, with Gruden leading us to his computer room, Johnson begged for water and said not to let Gruden hit him with "the happy stick". We didn't know what that meant, but it sounded fun. We kept walking and passed the Hall Of Quarterbacks, as Gruden called it, where Gannon, Garcia, Plummer, and others were being held.

When we got to the computer, Gruden showed us the bid he had in for Favre, and says he frequently bids on any QBs that appear on the site, but only if they are over 30. "Now, I know a near mint condition Favre sounds like a steal at $14 million, but it's the $6 million shipping that really gets you," said Gruden. "But, that's eBay for you. Once I have him, my collection will be the greatest in the world. I'm going to take some time off in the Fall to tour with the collection in the QB convention circuit. No point in being a collector if you aren't going to show them off."

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Hello everyone, I want to announce here my very first video post. You all usually know me for fake sports news I post on here semi-regularly, but below is my first attempt at doing something visual. It's an interview with Brett Favre where he denies being tampered with by the Minnesota Vikings. It's pretty darn funny, in my humble opinion. Try to ignore the shoddy production values and let me know what you think! Be gentle, it's my first attempt....

Quinn Morgan, a man from New Jersey is convinced he has found the ultimate fantasy sleeper this year after watching New York Jets training camp over the weekend. This will be the 58-year-old Quinn's second year playing fantasy football after last season when he did not win a single game due to not knowing how to log onto "that internet thing" to set his draft order and change his roster. But now, after paying a 1st grader down the street 5 dollars to teach him about computers, he is confident he will be able to play competitively this year. To get a heads up on the fantasy scouting, he went and watched the first day of Jets training camp.

"Well, if there's one thing I know really well it's football," said Mr. Morgan. "I'm new to all this fantasy stuff, but it sounds like a whole lot of fun. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that defense wins championships, and I'm told you get to draft entire defenses in these fantasy leagues! Why would someone draft just one running back when you can get the entire defense for the same single pick! I'm going to get them all and dominate this league!"

When asked about what other sleepers Morgan sees in the upcoming draft he said the following. "I've heard a lot about sleepers, and I'm going to be watching closely to see who out here seems the most sleepy. It naturally makes sense that whoever gets the most sleep is going to play the best, so I understand why this is such a sought-after trait." He observed rookie punter Joe Smith having a nap in the afternoon between practices, and immediately pegged him as his possible number one pick. "Look at all the rest he's getting out there! He's going to be able to punt that thing really far and get me a ton of points!"

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The Brett Favre story took more twists and turns over the weekend as Favre was told by Packers GM Ted Thompson to stay away from their facilities until he could work something out. Favre told Thompson he has until Wednesday to work something out, or he will put in his reinstatement papers to the league. This story has gripped the nation over the past month and a half, with ESPN even launching their new channel, ESPN Favre yesterday. The new channel covers all the latest happenings in the world of Favre with specials, breaking news, interviews, and a nightly broadcast of their flagship program Favrecenter.

Universal Pictures has said to have acquired the rights to the Favre retirement story from Brett himself. Peter Jackson, director of Lord Of The Rings, has said to be signed on to adapt to story into an epic trilogy called "The Favre: Redemption: Battle For Shadow Tundra: This Time It's Personal." Jackson is excited about the project, not only because it is the longest titled movie of all time, but because it is a story with so much drama.

"I see this as one of the great stories of all time," said Jackson. "It's about a battered and worn avenger, who has given his all to his superiors. But then when he wants to come back for another year, after stringing them along for two straight offseasons and handing the Giants a trip to the Super Bowl in overtime, they for some unknown reason tell him no."

"The first film in the TFRBFST3IP saga will be about Favre as a boy, learning the art of quarterbacking from a wise but dangerous dark QB master, exiled from the NFL for throwing a pass so hard it took off a man's head. Brett has to battle the power of dark quarterbacking, to eventually destroy his mentor in a brutal punt, pass, and kick competition. I watched my 7 year old son do one of these last year, and let me tell you, they can get really intense."

"The second film is a story about his rise to power and his reign as King Lord Bishop of Wisconsin. There will be a lot of time spent in his famous ice castle, where he directs the wars against the various continental powers such as the Viking people to the North and the great Bears and Lions to the east. We're thinking up some epic battle scenes for this thing, imagine Chronicles Of Narnia meets Tron."

"The third film will focus on Favre's attempted comeback, and all the events that have happened recently. A young evil prince named Sir Rodgers will attempt to take his kingdom in a vicious coup. From a small village in Mississippi, Brett will attempt to rally the land to his side with the help o####ypsy woman named Gretta Van Sustren. I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but we're thinking about a lightsaber duel with the Arch-Demon Ted Thompson in the Training Fortress Of Infinity. This trilogy is going to be a wild ride, that's for sure."

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The streets of Detroit were in Chaos early Wednesday night when the feud between the lions and tigers, the sports teams of the area, erupted into all out war. The tension had been building since the inception of the NFL's Lions franchise in 1930. City officials believed it was unwise to put a team named after lions in one that already had one named after tigers, due to the volatility of the two cat species. "There is a reason you don't put these two kinds of animals together," said San Diego Zookeeper Rich Blythewood. "They were just asking for trouble, and I'm surprised it took this long for something to happen."

The conflict broke out around 7:12 PM when a local butcher disposed of some expired strip steaks in the alley behind his shop. Some of the tigers and lions happened to be passing near the alley at that time and both wanted the steaks. They started biting and wrestling each other for the meat, and when other felines in the city heard, it devolved into a citywide brawl. Pedestrians on the street were mauled seemingly at random by the angry lions and tigers as they passed them. "They were so friendly before," said C.J. Kamp, a longtime Detroit resident. "I've shared a root beer float many times with a tiger, I've ridden a bicycle built for two with a lion, but now one of them just ate my legs, and the other a large chunk of the skin on my face. I don't know why we all can't get along."

A crazy scientist recommended one of the teams change their name to something unintimidating, like the Detroit Butterflies, back in 1992. But no one listened to him, and now we are all paying the price of the hostility between these two mascots. With 13 declared dead and 112 seriously injured, this is the worst documented citywide mascot feud since the one in Cleveland in 1976. That was where a pack of wild indians got in a violent brawl with the color brown, resulting in the deaths of 4. The incident in Miami last year, where the Marlins and Dolphins attempted to fight ended swiftly when both species realized they could not breathe oxygen and died on the streets. No one was injured there, although the city did smell horrible for several weeks.

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The Dolphins have announced that the competition for their starting quarterback spot in the upcoming season will now be an open contest between anyone in the organization. Originally thought to be a two man race between John Beck, Josh McCown, and Chad Henne, new coach Tony Sparano says he doesn't want to limit it to just them. Beck especially is said to be very upset about the news, "This is completely unfair! How am I supposed to beat out all the great players we have in this organization? I saw our kicker throwing a ball around before practice, and he could toss it almost 20 yards! How can I compete with that? I also heard some people say the training facility janitor throws a mean roll of toilet paper. I'm so screwed. It says quarterback next to my name on the depth chart, that should be enough."

Sparano has released his preliminary depth chart for the quarterback position based on OTAs, and it is 100 spots deep. Henne was the only quarterback who managed to crack it. "I feel honored," said Henne. "To be among the 81st best quarterback in this entire organization is really saying something. We have some real athletic fry cooks who work in the stadium, I'm not ashamed to admit they are a little better than me." If the season began today, the starting quarterback for the Dolphins would be Frank, one of the 4 men who share duties in the cartoon dolphin mascot costume. Skyy, a cheerleader, and Manuel, one of the Spanish groundskeepers, round out the top 3 on the depth chart.

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New England Patriots fans are just now starting to get over their devastating Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants after an undefeated season. It's been rough for Boston residents to come to terms with the defeat for an area used to taking home a championship every year. "Yeah, it's been a tough time," said longtime Bostonian Roger Raylots. "There was a blackout in the city right after the game when the #### Heart, which is the magical giant heart fueled by Boston residents constant gloating about their sports teams, broke down. It supplies all our electricity, you see, and it just went out. Only by believing our team was possible of humiliating weaker opponents next year, and clapping our hands really fast, could we bring it back to life."

Mike Wise, a man who has 11 Patriots tattoos on his body, including a regrettable portrait of Drew Bledsoe, says he took the news harder than most. "Well, you know, I was very upset in the beginning. I went home and killed my family, who I long thought didn't love the Patriots enough. Then I burnt down my entire house, because it was obviously unlucky. But then I realized there's always next year, and our coach will always keep us in the games with his innovative cheating. Plus, now I can get a much younger girlfriend who is impressed by my $60,000 a year construction job and the fact I have my own truck. So, it's a win-win all around."

Other residents shared Mike's sentiment. "I'm just ready to move on, it happened so long ago now," said Bud Wilson, a teacher at Benson High School in southern Boston. "I mean, the Patriots lost. They had a lot to fight for, but in the end England was stronger. Now I have to wear powdered wigs, drink Tab soda, and take a galleon to work. But I'm fine with it. I think I finally am getting my sealegs, and I'm getting used to putting half my yearly salary in cash into an envelope and mailing it to England. They won, I get it, and I'm ok with it finally."

Mike was then informed that the Patriots actually won the Revolutionary War, and was happy but confused.

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Reporters from the Boston Herald have formally retracted their February report about Matt Walsh taping the St. Louis Rams walkthrough in 2001 before their Super Bowl matchup with the New England Patriots. But in a town such as Boston, that alone was not enough. The 3 sports section reporters who collaborated on the story were blind-folded and abducted from their homes in the middle of the night by mindless #### clone soldiers, also known as Patriots fans. When the blindfolds were removed, they were in the middle of Boston Common on their knees, standing before the entire New England Patriots roster dressed in their full uniforms.

The team parted slowly as the Dark Lord Chancellor Bill Belichick made his way from behind them to stand before the 3 journalists. "You have betrayed the power of the dark side," Belichick told them. "As residents of Boston you must remain ever loyal to the dark powers that rule here. You can not question the Red Sox massive payroll which is only slightly less than that of the Yankees, you must continue to paint them as lovable scrappy underdogs. You can not question my prickishness when I choose to give Tony Dungy a running high five instead of stopping to shake his hand. You can not try to imply that Ray Allen is too #### to be considered a part of the Celtics Big Three, the Big Two sounds incredibly less cool."

"But Chancellor, we were not questioning the greatness of your team when we did the article, we just wanted to find out the truth about the taping," said the reporter who wrote the piece. Belichick raised his right hand and lightning surged out from it and electrocuted the man. The other reporters turned their heads away as he screamed and fell to the ground in a pile of smoking ash. Tedy Bruschi then released the chain from the neck of rabid placekicker Stephen Gostkowski, who ran and began devouring the remains of the man.

"This is what happens to those who oppose the Patriots, you get eaten by a 190-pound man from Mississippi," continued Belichick. "I hope the rest fo you have learned your lessons and will not oppose the power of the dark side again. If we are united, we will once again rule the NFL universe."

But then from out of nowhere, Tony Dungy and Yoda appeared from behind the crowd of fans and cut the reporters loose with their lightsabers. "Hurry! Get out of here! We'll hold them off!" yelled Dungy to the men, who began scrambling out of the park. A large CGI-rendered battle ensued, and we at TSC would like to tell you what happened, but no one really cared what happened because everyone looked like a cartoon character.

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The NFL has announced that no new information had been obtained from former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh following his interview with Roger Goodell over the weekend. The most scandalous part of the tapes shown before Goodell's news conference talking about the findings had nothing to do with stealing signals, it was several minutes of close-ups of San Diego Chargers cheerleaders performing during a 2002 game.

While the NFL says they have no more leads on where to investigate the Patriots alleged taping of the St. Louis Rams pre-Super Bowl walkthrough, they will be amping up an in-depth investigation of the cheerleaders. "Wow, just wow..." said Goodell. "I had no idea this kind of dancing was taking place on the sidelines of NFL games. I have spent many hours, alone, reviewing this footage and I must say that I am appalled...and having trouble holding anything in my right hand. If you catch my drift fellas..." He then took a sip from a brandy snifter. "God damn, that's good. Makes a man feel warm inside."

As he lit up a cigar and took a long puff he continued, "Look, the American people have been clamoring for a public investigation into the evidence on these tapes. I say we've shown them enough boring hand signals called into the sidelines by middle aged men. I say we need to have an investigation into these girls. Where do they shower after games, what scent of body wash do they use, and what exactly does it look like during this shower? Eh? Am I right fellas?" The male members of the press in attendance gave a few hoots and hollers, while 2 of the few female journalists walked out of the room. "There are just so many unanswered questions about this whole thing. "Do they lather each other or just rub themselves alone? I am shocked at all this, and just want to get to the bottom of it like the rest of you. I vow that I will not rest until we are watching these Charger girls bathing on national television, so we can make sure they aren't hiding anything anywhere on their bodies."

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Marvin Harrison has been questioned in connection to a shooting that took place near a carwash he owns in Pennsylvania. Police say Harrison turned over a revolver belonging to him, and bullet casings from the shooting match the gun. Harrison denies direct involvement in the incident which took place on Saturday when a man identified by police only as Mr. Green was at the carwash with his wife Scarlett.

Professor Paul Plum, a teacher of forensics at Penn State says the crime points heavily to Harrison, as the murder weapon is known to be his. It's unknown where exactly the shooting took place, but it could have been in the billiards room or the conservatory of the carwash. The owner of Mrs. Peacock's, an italian restaurant next door, phoned in a call to police early Saturday when she heard 6 shots fired. A Mrs. White was at the carwash at the time, but indoors and unable to give the police any other information than a young male in a hood.

The chief police investigator on the case, Colonel William Mustard, says they were lucky to have the gun turned in, as original examination of the victim pointed to a candlestick or possibly a lead pipe being the weapon used. Officer Mustard says that they have received a small envelope today at the station from an anonymous person which included three cards including a Marvin Harrison rookie card. He would not give any more information than that, but said the envelope was being treated like evidence, and could lead to an endgame soon. In the mean time, the police will continue searching for more clues.

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