The Seattle Mariners have agreed to terms on a 5-year deal with Jim Kelly, a Seattle-area man they found leaving Home Depot with a 21-piece tool set over the weekend. Despite being 52 and having no experience playing baseball, the Mariners are confident they can turn around their MLB worst start with Kelly leading their team. "Well, I saw him leaving the store with just so many tools," said GM Lee Pelekoudas. "I've snuck up behind other GMs at the annual owners meeting several times, to try to hear what kinds of things real GMs talk about. I've heard them mention 5-tool players a few times, before they see me behind them, ridicule me, and tell me to go pick up another Richie Sexson. If only 5 tools are necessary to help a team play good ball on the field, just imagine what 21 will get us!"

Kelly was happy with the multi-million dollar contract he signed with the team, but was a bit confused on how he would be able to contribute. "Well, I never really played baseball as a kid," said Kelly. "I was more of a chess guy myself. They tell me they just want me to go out and put all my many tools on display, so I guess I'll put out a table somewhere. But I don't know how many people are going to be able to come and see them if it's set up on the field. This is the first tool set I've ever owned, so I'm going to have to learn what it all does I suppose. There's this metal rod with a handle at the end, maybe it's used for poking. I've also got a pair of really dull scissors maybe, and a really big knife with a handle on it. I guess I can cut them some meat or something in the clubhouse, but I'm confused how this will help them get more wins."

SportsComedian.com
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