Paul Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los Angeles Lakers. Early in the third quarter Piece was murdered during a layup during an awkward play where teammate Kendrick Perkins tripped into him carrying a large butcher knife, stabbing him in the gut. The collision made the handgun in Perkins pants go off, shooting Pierce in the leg. Pierce grabbed both injuries, now bleeding profusely, and stumbled backwards off the court. But in doing so he tripped into a giant vat of toxic waste that was being stored on the sidelines, dissolving all his skin and internal organs.

Perkins said “Oops, my bad.” But the damage had been done, and the game was suspended for several minutes as the remains of Pierce were removed from the vat and the blood was washed off the court. The crowd then had to wait as a judge was called in for an impromptu hearing wherein Perkins was found guilty of three counts of “2nd Degree Harcore Ballin” and taken off to jail. Down two players, it seemed all was lost for the Celtics in their first Finals visit in two decades.

But in dramatic fashion, the skeleton of Pierce emerged from the locker room with about five minutes left in the third quarter as the Boston crowd went wild. This is only the third time in NBA Finals history a player has come back from the dead during a game. “Well, luckily back in the locker room we have a well-trained staff of King’s horses and King’s men, and they were able to put Paul Pierce together again,” said GM Danny Ainge.

Pierce proceeded to unload 11 more points on the Lakers after his return, showing a quickness that could only be attributed to the electricity in the building, or his lack of skin and vital organs. “I knew I had to come back from the dead in order for our team to have a shot at this thing,” said an exhausted Pierce after the game. “I got up to Heaven and I was about to go in those golden gates. But then I thought, this team needs me, this city needs a championship, Boston has had so few of them recently. So I told God “All ballers don’t go to heaven, I gotta bounce”. Then I dribble criss-crossed around God’s royal guards that tried to stop me from leaving and got back into my body and onto the court.”

SportsComedian.com
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