Barry Bonds had 15 felony counts levied against him today by a grand jury for lying about using performing enhancing drugs during an investigation in 2003. There are 14 counts of lying under oath and one of obstruction of justice. Because Bonds has been unable to find a team to play for so far this year, and will be strapped for money following a long legal battle, he will be appearing on a new FOX reality show this summer called Full Counts.

Barry will be living in a house in Malibu with 15 of the most popular Counts from pop culture and around the world, looking for true love. Some of the celebrity Counts appearing on the show will be Count Dracula, The Count From Sesame Street, Count Dooku, and Count Chocula. They will go up against everyday Counts like Count Vanderflan of Italy and Count Bernoch of Germany. Bonds must chose one of them to be eliminated each week by giving them the dreaded tainted syringe.

"I'm just very excited about the opportunity to finally find a soul mate," said The Count in an pre-show interview with FOX. "I've spent my whole life counting things for kids, it's hard to find the time to date. Also, the fact that I'm a purple puppet doesn't help things much. Women just don't find felt attractive. And the puppeteer who operates me said he doesn't want anyone trying to have sex with the hole he has to stick his hand up every day. But, he has agreed to allow whatever happens with Barry to just happen, he'll pull his arm out or try to make some room in there. It's all very exciting, but probably not so much for him."

Count Chocula has said that this show will give him a chance to try something new. "It's been a rough life for me, I'm going to be honest. I come around on store shelves for only one month every year, and people see me sort of as this joke cereal. That #### Cheerios once threw me off the shelf at the store and then spit in my face. He said it was his aisle, and pretenders like me should get the #### out. That hurts. Right in my delicious chocolate marshmallow heart. Hopefully I can prove with this show that I matter as part of your balanced breakfast."

Barry Bonds is said to be in quite a depression about having to do the show for money, and indeed the first preview episode we were allowed to view showed an even angrier than normal Bonds. When he gave the first tainted syringe to Count Yurchickens at the end, he ripped into the Count for being nothing more than a lame pun. The other Counts had to console Yurchickens while he wept and collected his things to leave the mansion. It's unknown if this show will prove a ratings winner for FOX, but the prospect of seeing Bonds get romantic with a puppet, vampire, Star Wars character, and German nobile certainly peaks our interest.