Pat Riley has stepped down as the head coach of the Miami Heat today after the team suffered through it's worst season in history. This is the second time in recent memory that Riley has done this, the last being in 2003 when he resigned after a horrid 25-57 performance, turning over the team to Stan Van Gundy. "Well, I just feel I've done just about all I can do from a coaching standpoint to destroy this team," said Riley at a press conference announcing the move. "It's time for me to step back behind the scenes and start really messing things up from there."

"Maybe trade Dwayne Wade for Keith Van Horn or something like that, as his inactive contract seems to be a hot commodity this year. I think there are a lot of places we can still fall to. Why stop at 15 wins, when you are so close to perfection? Next year, we're going to get a team that will dominate the L column on the standings. I'm in talks to get Michael Vick, Kwame Brown, and maybe even that dog from the movie Air Bud next year. I think we could really go for the record."

"That is of course, unless by some fluke we become good, in which case I will take over again and sit on the bench as our players win an NBA championship for me. But, I don't think that's going to happen this time, so I wouldn't be worried about it, whoever our next coach is. I look forward to crushing this team for at least another 5 years with my antiquated knowledge of how the game used to be. Thanks everyone."