A federal judge ruled Monday that jailed quarterback Michael Vick could keep all but $3.75 million of the $20 million of the bonuses paid to him by the Atlanta Falcons. The Falcons tried to recover the money after his conviction last year on charges of running a dogfighting operation. The judge said he believes Michael Vick has learned his lesson through the jail time alone.

"I abhor dogfighting," said the judge. "It is cruel and inhumane treatment of living creatures. But, I am a fan of just fighting, and Mr. Vick has shown to be capable of staging some very great fights. I consider him a young Don King, who just took a few mis-steps along the way. I think in the nation's best interest, he needs this money so that he can set up some amazing new fights when he gets out."

"It was obvious that football was not his best skill, we all saw that by watching him try to complete actual passes. So maybe this is it. When I was a boy I had a dream of being an ice cream cowboy who lived in space. All throughout high school I studied ice cream and space. But then I was told by my father I had to go to Harvard, and they did not have a frozen desert astronaut program like the junior college in town. So I had to become a judge. Maybe Michael had dreams of watching two competitors rip each other apart and bleed to death while money was exchanged. That's a beautiful dream, and I won't stand in it's way."

"Plus there are so many good fights out there we have yet to see. What if an rhino fought a hippo, what if salt fought pepper, what if a man whose arms have been replaced with giant staplers took on a guy who had a shotgun for a leg. Those are some fights I know we all want to see, and there is one man that can bring them to us. Michael, you are our future for watching things maim each other. You can keep this money, as long as it's used for good. I want no rap albums, ethnic clothing lines, or attempted NFL comebacks. You have one talent, and it is making things fight."

"I still look up at the sky and wonder what flavors I could be serving and what kinds of spacecow I could be wrangling right now..."