The Miami Dolphins today announced they were hiring Tony Soprano, world renowned television mob boss as their head coach. In his welcoming press conference he announced several odd changes that are unknown at this time if they will help to Dolphins return to respectability.

• Between seasons there will be a two-year break, sometimes longer depending on other programming. Soprano says they may even split up a season and play one half and then take a year break and play the other.
  
• At least one major starter will be whacked each year, this will help keep starting players and the rest of the team on their toes.
• Ricky Williams, until he starts playing well again, will now be called "Big ####y".
• There will not be an actual end to games, and the last 7 minutes instead of deciding the score, will be spent with a slow-motion montage set to the Journey song "Don't Stop Believing"