With their 3rd loss in 4 games last night to the Washington Wizards, the Boston Celtics fell to a lowly 30-6. "The standard set by Boston sports teams is extremely high, and the Celtics simply aren't living up to it by merely having the best record in all the NBA," said Lord Chief Curt Schilling of the Boston Sports Confederation. The BSC is a group of the highest ranking sports figures in the Beantown area including Manny Ramirez, Jonathan Papelbon, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Marc Savard of the Bruins.

The statement from Schilling pre-dated yesterday's loss to the Wizards, and makes the BSC prime suspects in the crime that happened following the game. After the 88-83 loss, the Celtics were leaving TD Banknorth Garden(their stadium is actually named this nonsense) when they were accosted by a group of unknown attackers. They were left bloody and beaten behind the arena, and police are looking for clues.

Chief Inspector Roger Gadget was put in charge of the investigation. At a press conference he called for all Boston citizens to come forward if they had any information about the attack. He said he had no leads as of yet, but that he was looking for them with all of his ability. He then proceeded to yell "Go Go Gadget Helicopter", at which point giant blades came out of his hat and made him fly up into the air. While Gadget has yet to find any clues, a little girl and an anthropomorphic dog who were also at the scene told The Sports Comedian they had a su####ion it was the BSC behind the attack.

"When you read the quote they made about the Celtics it gets you thinking," said the girl who identified herself as Penny. "I've analyzed the body of Paul Pierce here. Now, someone obviously beat him, mostly in the face, and then took a #### on him. But looking at the #### you can see there is Northern Idaho corn in that very feces. There is only one place that serves Northern Idaho corn in the area, and that is a KFC that just happens to be less than 3 miles from Bill Belichick's home. Also notice the indentation on the forehead of Kevin Garnett here, it's from a ring so big it could be one of only two types. Either Kobe Bryant's I-didn't-rape-that-girl ring he gave to his wife, or a Super Bowl ring."