Altanta Hawks shooting guard Joe Johnson picked up a newspaper yesterday and discovered, startlingly, that his team had somehow managed to get the fifth best record in the Eastern Conference. This came as a huge surprise to him, as coach Mike Woodsen has coached the team not to look at the standings, watch ESPN, or even worry about the results of games they play in. "Coach says all that matters is the effort we put out," said Johnson. "He covers up the scoreboard at home games so we can't see how bad we are doing, and after the games he doesn't tell us the score. He just gives up a thumbs up or a thumbs down, based on our effort. And if we get a good thumb, he also gives each of us a piece of candy. So far we are 28-0 in good thumbs. I didn't even know how to read these standings when I first saw them, so I took them over to a stranger who helped me translate them. We actually have a winning record!"

When he informed the rest of the team they had been winning games this season, instead of the customary Hawks tradition of losing every time they stepped on a court, they were ecstatic. But then the realization set in that being a good team meant they might have to participate in the NBA Playoffs. This sent the team into a frenzy.

"Playoffs? You want to talk about playoffs?! I have a cruise to Alaska scheduled for the summer! I can't be worried about some 2-month playoffs," said Josh Childress. "I was told when I signed with the Hawks that I would have summers off, like a school teacher. They told me there was no way we would be able to get a winning season, especially with my lack of skill and big money guaranteed contract."

Other players expressed extreme dismay over this discovery as well. "I am going on a wine tour of Southern California's Napa Valley. I don't want to play this basketball nonsense any more than I have to," said Josh Smith. "How did we start winning in the first place? We had it all figured out until this season: play the least amount of games with the least amount of effort, then collect a paycheck. Who wants to be on the San Antonio Spurs? They have to play so many games!"

Coach Mike Woodsen has vowed to his players he will coach them on how to lose again.