"I don't know what has happened here," said a confused David Eckstein, from the wheelchair he is confined to during the offseason due to being too weak to support his own weight. "I've averaged 2 homers per year. I can barely hit the ball out of the infield. These accusations are ridiculous. If I've taken steroids they must've been the most ineffective ones in history."

The most confusing addition to the list is you, who has never played pro ball, only watched it on TV. It is unknown who outed you, or what Mitchell will do to you. But it's advised that you flee the U.S. to an undeveloped South American country as soon as possible. You were unavailable to be reached for comment.

Below is a transcript from a press conference held by Senator George Mitchell, the man behind the report:

"What we wanted to do was get everyone associated with baseball. This is quite possibly the most in-depth investigation of all time, and our list reflects that in an attempt to completely stop steroids." -Mitchell

"But sir, why is Sly Stallone on the list, he has never even played baseball." -Reporter

"Sure he did, in that movie where the wacky, offbeat, underdog team conquers adversity and learns to play together to beat the bigger meaner team at the end in a close game that comes down to the last play." -Mitchell

"Major League?" -Reporter

"Yeah, that's the one!" -Mitchell

"I think that's the black guy from the show '24' actually." -Reporter

"You're asking a lot of questions. You sound like you might be a communist...I mean steroids abuser too. Bud Selig questioned my list when I first gave it to him, and it just so turns out that he has been injecting himself with HGH to improve his power numbers at the winter meetings. You don't want to share the same fate, do you?" -Mitchell