Beginning his press conference with what can only be described as the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation ever, Brian Billick stated that he has informed Ravens management this week that he will be returning to coach the team next season. “I’ll be back,” said Billick, “management has been told of my imminent return to this team.” When asked why he was so confident about his job status despite his team’s poor on-the-field performance, Billick revealed that he has just returned from the future where he discovered that he was still head coach of the Baltimore Ravens.

“I saw a lot of crazy things,” Billick noted, “for instance, five years from now it will be discovered that the New England Patriots are really just a bunch of cyborgs constructed by Bill Belichick in his basement using spare parts from a 1970 AMC Gremlin.” Billick went on to reveal that after totally dominating the NFL for many seasons, Tom Brady (or Lord Brady) as he is known in the future, set his sights on world domination. According to Billick, it appeared that Lord Brady and his forces would easily conquer earth before moving on to other planets. But after many years in exile at a top secret location, Bill Belichick returned and began training an underground force of humans to resist Lord Brady. “It wasn’t a pretty sight,” said Billick “just before I returned the world was in the midst of a bloody battle between humans and Brady’s half robot/half supermodel army.”

As a stunned group of reporters sat silent in disbelief, Billick noted that “all that stuff’s not important right now. I’m the head coach of the Ravens and we’ve got a game to win this week. But if I were you, I would take Miami and the points.”

SportsComedian.com
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