By Contributing Writer Matt Webb

“I’m sick of feeling all warm and fuzzy inside,” said a concerned Terrell Owens at his press conference in Dallas today, “It’s unfair to me, and it’s unfair to all those people out there who have grown to despise me and my antics over the years. I’m doing this for them.”

Owens called the press conference to address his team’s current success and his apparent transformation into a team-player willing to check his attitude and ego at the locker-room door. At 11-1, the Cowboys seem to have excellent team chemistry and appear to be on their way to their first Super Bowl appearance since 1996. While this is certainly good news for the Cowboy nation, it’s troubling for Owens, who is beginning to get “all creeped out” by the “lovey-dovey ####” that is accompanying his team’s rise to the top. “During last week’s game I made an unbelievable catch in the endzone, and as I was running back to the bench one of my teammates slapped me on the back and said “nice catch, T.O.” He said it just like he knew me or something. I couldn’t believe it.” It was this and similar incidents that has Owens fearing that some of his Cowboy teammates may actually be warming up to him. “I mean just because I don’t yell at my teammates on the sidelines or sit by myself sulking at the end of the bench doesn’t mean that I actually want to be friends with any of these people.”

In his remarks today, Owens made it clear that he had no intention of accepting a friendship bracelet offered to him by teammate Jason Witten, and that he is officially declining an invite to Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett’s slumber party after the Eagles game. Owens was also quick to dispel reports of a possible friendship brewing between himself and Cowboys signal caller Tony Romo, whom Owens said has a smile so big that it “haunts my dreams at night.” “Romo’s a decent quarterback,” said Owens, “and he’s figured out he should throw me the ball, but that doesn’t mean I’m in love with the guy. Last week during film session he passed me a note that said “Will you be my friend? Check Yes or No” What is that?!?! He must have me confused with (Tampa Bay Bucs QB) Jeff Garcia or something.”

In an effort to earn his reputation back, Owens committed to less smiling, laughing, and joking around with his teammates for the remainder of the season. “I like winning and all, but not if it means I have to start getting along with people. Make no mistake, I’m still the same jerk I’ve always been.”

SportsComedian.com
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