Many a young boy from Houston, Texas have dreamed about one day being in the big leagues. Being able to don the uniform of the Houston Astros, and be a part of their historic franchise. Being one of the few people close enough to be able to choke out the horrible general manager of the struggling 'Stros and get a measure of revenge for having to watch this team over the course of the last 2 years.

On Wednesday, pitcher Shawn Chacon got to live that dream when he tackled GM Ed Wade by the neck and threw him to the ground. Teammates and club officials cheered Chacon as he went to town on the neck of the scrawny executive. Reporters called it "the most fight I've seen out of anyone on this club in a long long time". Manager Cecil Cooper held his hand out and gave Chacon a thumbs down like the gladiators of Rome. Lance Berkman shouted "Finish Him". But before Chacon could unleash his finishing move, where he pulls out Wade's spine, he was pulled off by security.

Speaking to reporters after the game, Chacon talked about what it was like to get the opportunity of a lifetime. "This is just every kid's dream, bottom of the night, 2 lights out in a dim hallway, and you alone with the man responsible for putting together this pitching staff. I just tried to keep my excitement in-check as I viciously attacked him, but I was almost giddy with laughter. I remember playing in my dad's barn and pretending a scarecrow was Ed Wade's neck. I used to practice choking him out 4 or 5 times a day. And now I get the chance to come out here and get paid for choking him. I'm truly blessed, and I want to thank the Astros for this opportunity."

Shawn's triumphant story has inspired members of the community to make changes in their lives. One boy decided to go back to high school, which he had dropped out of several years before. An elderly man decided to start talking again to his brother, with whom he had not spoken to in 18 years. And a stock broker decided to finally choke out his wife, based on Chacon's thrilling performance. It was an exciting night for anyone who dreams of greatness.

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The New York Yankees continued their interleague dominance yesterday with a resounding 23-0 win over the visiting Chicago Bears. The Bears looked confused at times during the contest, with Rex Grossman giving up 8 runs in the first inning and was pulled after the second. "Well, I'm still confident that I'll eventually find some type of ball I can throw well, but it obviously isn't a baseball or football," said Grossman after the contest. "I can really gun a soccer ball well, but apparently that isn't even allowed in that sport. It's a shame."

328-pound Bears shortstop/guard Terrence Metcalf made 4 errors in the game and showed very limited range when pivoting to turn the double play. There was talk after the game of sending him back down to the minors to trim off a few hundred pounds. "Look, I'm not even sure of the rules of this damn game," said Metcalf. "These little guys get to run around in front of me, and they yelled at me the one time I tried to tackle one of them who was rounding second. We also have got to wear these #### long pants with stripes. I hate this sport."

Bears GM Jerry Angelo took time after the game to criticize interleague play, and told MLB to move into the 21st century. The 8th inning was especially lengthy after Brian Urlacher caught a hard hit ball to first, yelled out "Interception!", and then ran around the field with it trying to find the Yankees endzone. Umpires and Yankee players chased him around for 20 minutes trying to explain the situation.

New York has been on a big rebound from their early season struggles since interleague play began, having swept the Red Wings and Grizzlies as well. The Grizzlies series was especially surprising, as it was played at Memphis' home court and home sport. But, it looks like anyone can beat the Grizzlies at this point.

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"Coach! Why are you taking the ball from me? I haven't even thrown a pitch yet!"

"You pitch for the Rockies son, I know how this is going to go. We might as well just go to our bullpen now..."

(AP Photo/Orlin Wagner)

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The Shaq and Kobe feud is apparently far from over if the actions from Monday night are to be believed. Shaq reportedly ripped into Kobe while serving as a guest conductor of the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra yesterday night, lambasting him with a freestyle of Dmitri Shostakovich's Symphony No. 4. O'Neal laid it into Kobe with a timpani and horn solo that clearly mocked Bryant's failures in the NBA Finals without Shaq. "It was real brutal," said Orchestra reviewer Danny Bugenske. "The way he quickened the strings section in the latter part of the second overture really told Kobe that without him in the low post, he is doomed to fall to perimeter teams like Boston. I haven't heard a symphonic freestyle beating like that since Mozart released Symphony No. 2 to chastise the English royalty for their 1 shilling bread tax. It was harsh."

Reporters spoke with O'Neal afterwards to ask why he wanted to rekindle the feud with Bryant. "Look, I'm from the streets," said Shaq. "On the streets when you're conducting a symphony you tell it like it is, you don't sugar-coat anything. I used to take part in some mean conducting battles in dark clubs, where we'd go back and forth, just conducting the #### out of an orchestra. That's how real this #### is. Kobe wasn't ready when I hit him with that Allegro Vivace in the third section? Well, that #### needs to know how I feel, and there is no better way to tell a person how you feel than with an Allegro Vivace from the horns. That's how I asked my wife to marry me, actually."

The orchestra director was angry at O'Neal's decision to take the music off the written page. "That's street conducting. We don't do that here," said regular director Max Kirkman. "That kind of stuff is dangerous, it gets people killed. My brother went down the dark and dangerous path that is street symphony, and it took his life. I don't like to see people like Shaq mixed up in that. We're all just lucky that no one got hurt here tonight. If I were Kobe, I'd stay away, he doesn't know what he can get caught up in here."

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Don Imus is surprisingly still alive and talking on the radio. After being fired last year for calling the Rutgers womens basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed hoes", Imus found his way back on the air at a different station. Yesterday controversy surrounded him again over comments he made over Pacman Jones, now of the Dallas Cowboys. Imus, being a 90-year-old who spends most of his time sleeping in a sarcophagus, was unsure who Pacman was. He asked his staff "What color is this guy?" and followed it up with "Isn't he that squinty-eyed yellow guy with the big head who was popular in the 80's for popping pills all the time?" His sidekick chimed in noting that Pacman helped to lay the railroad tracks for modern day videogames.

The comments have angered Asians, who feel the sentiments were highly racist. "We are very unhappy with Mr. Imus using such horrible stereotypes," said Takagi Nguyen of the Asian Defamation League. "To confuse us with someone who was obviously a drug addict who saw crazy things such as ghosts chasing him is very insulting. Also to bring up our railroad building past is just deplorable. Mister Pacman's race is unknown, and the developers say he may just be a floating disembodied head."

Imus has gotten into a controversy before involving Donkey Kong, who he called a "Dark-skinned #### who works in a shipping factory, likes to get drunk, abduct white women, and then throw thousands of dollars worth of merchandise down ramps." He was also critical of the head chef from 80's restaurant Burger Time who Imus claimed had horrible cleanliness standards, including serving burgers off of a complicated system of ladders.

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"Alright coach, I'll admit, this was not my best swing." - Todd Helton

(Peter G. Aiken-US PRESSWIRE)

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Just days after his heroic triumph at the U.S. Open, overcoming the pain of a brutal knee injury to win in 91 holes of golf, Tiger Woods was again battling for another victory. This win came at a Santa Monica area Starbucks where Woods showed up early in the morning following his announcement that he would need season-ending knee surgery, where Tiger was after a frappucino. When he came in, the capacity crowd of 23 all were wondering whether Tiger possessed the mettle necessary to overcome the knee and make a successful drink order. His dedication to getting the frozen coffee beverage was put to the test early on, as he stood behind a line of 5 other patrons, including one who had a complicated order for the whole office that took about 15 minutes to fill. We've all seen lesser men simply walk out when faced with such a daunting line, and those are men without horrific injuries.

But Tiger kept it together, vowing to himself that nothing would stand in his way of getting a caramel mocha frappucino. When he got to the counter, it was obvious that he was in some pain as he limped up to talk to the barista. The crowd erupted when not only did he order a frappucino, but a venti frappucino, which is the largest size in the crazy made-up Starbuckian language. A lesser golfer would have been content there, but Woods even added whipped cream to the top of his beverage, adding a brutal .12 ouncesof extra weight. When you are battling a knee problem, every little bit just adds on to the pain.

After receiving his drink the real test of his resolve was on, as he made his way to the condiment counter where he twisted and contorted his body to grab sugar and sweetner. His face grimaced as he bent for some half and half, and everyone could see the torque being put on the knee. But in the end he was able to walk out of that Starbucks with the beverage of his choice, a true testament toall athletes who rise above their own pain to perform for the fans. It may just be the greatest drink order of hil illustrious career.

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Chad Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, has long been a fan favorite for his creative touchdown celebrations and zany sideline antics. But since the end of the 2007 season, fans and teammates have been noticing a change in Johnson for the worse. It was revealed this morning by a group of doctors in the Ohio area that the cause was that Johnson was growing into giant ####. "Well, Chad came to us last week for his annual physical," said Dr. Poling. "He complained of being unable to stop acting like a #### to reporters, telling his team's fans their franchise sucked, and taking giant shits. After a few tests we were able to confirm our su####ions, that he was indeed turning into a great big ####."

Doctors went into emergency surgery with Johnson to help reverse the growing #### on him, and get it back to a more manageable size. "Well, I've always had quite the ####," said Johnson in his first interview since the operation. "But it's never been quite so big. When you just have a little ####, it can be cute or even endearing to people. But when it gets to big, that's when people start getting annoyed and you start smelling like #### I'd like to appologize to everyone I've offended over the past few months demanding a trade and insulting fans and reporters alike. That wasn't the real me, that was my #### talking."

The recovery time from #### surgery should be short. Johnson will begin a rehabilitation program of being put into a room with some teammates and will have to try not insulting them. The time will first be short, maybe only a minute or two, as even a normal person would have trouble not insulting the ability of this Bengals team. But eventually, once he can make it for an hour or so with them, he will be cleared to return to the field. "I'm just glad they caught this thing before it got out of hand. Being a black man I've always been a big ####, I just didn't want to be a big #### as well. Thanks to everyone for helping me get through this."

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San Diego Padres secondbaseman Edgar Gonzalez doesn't quite make the play to get Johnny Damon out at second, but he'll be damned if he isn't going to give him one hell of a hug.

(AP Photo/Frank Franklin II) 

The Mets held off their press conference to announce the firing of Willie Randolph until 3:00 am eastern time, which confused many people around the country. But as everyone knows, most Mets fans come from Tajikistan, where the announcement was made during prime time. The press conference interrupted prime time shows like the medical drama "Happy Happy Rabbit Explosion!" and "Exceptional Star Girls Beautiful", a sitcom about a black family. But the Tajiki people are avid Mets fans, as evidenced by the fact that David Wright finished second in the Prime Minister voting last year, as a write-in candidate. The government declared today a national day of mourning to remember the coach who almost got the Mets to the 2006 World Series before losing to a hot but dreadful Cardinals team.

The streets of Tajiki capital Dushanbe were abuzz with talk about who would be the next Mets skipper while those of us back in the States were still sleeping. "I think I have a good chance at being the next Mets manager," said Yahyo Oqilov, a customer service representative for several American companies. "I don't have any knowledge of baseball, but seemingly neither did Willie Randolph. Most of my experience comes from telling frustrated Americans to unplug their modems and then plug them back in, or that they'll have to send their device in for service. But I think I'm more than qualified to run the great Mets ship."

Mets GM Omar Minaya says the move needed to happen at that time to appeal to their biggest fanbase. "We had to give this news to the Tajiki people first, and that's why we spoke the entire time in Tajikiese. Who cares if it isn't good television here, those people have declared their national flower and national bird the Met. It doesn't even make sense, but it's a great sign of respect. Without their enormous buys of our officially licensed merchandise we would never be able to afford this $120 million payroll which we have used to build an amazing 6 game lead on the tough Washington Nationals. So now hopefully our unsure and short-lived interim manager Charlie Manuel will be able to right the ship and get us out of 4th place. Interim managers always fare very well in times like these."

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Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found unconscious in an alley this morning by police, apparently the victim of a robbery and beating. But when they awoke him, they found him to be very upset at having an "awesome dream" interrupted. He elaborate to reporters back at the station after talking to officers. "Oh man, I was just about to make out with the Princess made of marshmallows! I had to slay an octopus whose 8 legs were all a different Baldwin, and I did it all in the nude. Daniel was the hardest to kill, in case you were wondering. Now after all that I finally get my chance at getting the Marshmallow Princess, and then you guys come and screw it up. That's just rude to wake someone up like that."

Police tried to explain to Walker they were worried about his safety after discovering him face down with bruises all over his body. "Look, maybe I got robbed and beaten into unconsciousness. But it's Vegas baby, they have agiant pyramid right next to a pirate ship here. Crazy things happen, and they gave me some soiled pants to use as a pillow. It was actually quite comfortable. The cops in this city need to learn to mind their own business. Now if you all will excuse me, I'm going to take a little nap partly because I want to find the Princess again, and partly because of blood loss. Goodnight everyone." At this point Walker fell face-first into the ground and the reporters slowed shuffled out of the room, trying their hardest not to wake him up.

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Rocco Mediate, the 45 year old who tied Tiger Woods on Sunday to force an 18-hole playoff yesterday, looked to be in prime position to score one of the greatest upsets of all time. He went toe-to-toe with Tiger for all 18 holes and was even winning by one stroke up until the 18th, when Tiger made birdie to tie it up again. The game then went to sudden death and everyone was braced for a tense couple of holes, but on the very first hole Mediate collapsed with an actual case of sudden death. It was a very anti-climactic end to the engaging contest, but Tiger fans in attendance were still pleased with the result. "I've been a Tiger fan forever, and we've seen him do about everything," said Jake Green, a Woods fan who came all the way from Texas to watch the tournament. "But now I can say I was there when he killed a man through sheer golf skill. What an amazing performance."

Woods offered his sympathy to the family of Mediate. "I want them to know how sorry I am about what happened. When you are this great at the game of golf, sometimes you forget your own power, the power that can only be fueled by the new Gatorade Tiger flavor. After accidentally killing a few putting instructors when I was a teenager, I vowed I would never kill with golf again. But, the U.S. Open brings out the competitor in me, and I had to take him out with my A-game. An A-game, that is only possible through the innovations of Nike brand golf equipment. I think this championship cup they gave me opens on top, and I'd be willing to put the ashes of Rocco in here, if his family wants. He can then rest in my trophy case, and hopefully when they visit I will be able to find him amongst the hundreds of other trophies I have in there. I think that would be a poignant dedication to his memory. A memory best captured with Nikon digital cameras and accessories."

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George Steinbrenner was vocally angry about injuring his prized Wang during an interleague game. "It really hurts when you see your Wang writhe in pain and fall to the ground limp. The National League needs to get in the 21st century where we don't put them out on the bases. My Wang is not used to such strenuous activity."

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Struggling Tampa Bay Shortstop Jason Bartlett finished last night's game 0 for 3, but apparently landed a triple that night which didn't show up on the box score the next morning. After having been shut down on 2 consecutive dates with Jodie, a new girl he met at a bar in Clearwater Florida, he finally was able to get on base with a heck of a play late in the evening. The night began with a pre-game show of dinner and a movie. Bartlett attempted to get on base at both locations, but was unable to even get to 1st base with her. At the movies, during a lull in the action of the film, Bartlett made a move to attempt a kiss, but she threw a wicked curveball and put the soft drink they were sharing in front of her face to send him striking out and hitless in the series.

But things changed in the bottom of the ninth when Jodie's roommate Nicole, who had been a dominant shutdown closer and prevented Bartlett from ever coming in the apartment, was out with a case of visiting her parents. Bartlett was able to make a play against Jodie's league-worst defense at the door and hit a single with a quick kiss on the lips. But having been in a slump the last several games, he did not stop there and pushed her in the door, onto the couch, and made a play for second base. The defense, having realized he was trying to stretch the single out, attempted to get the put out at second, but their outfield arms are notoriously weak.

As he slid his hand onto second base just slightly ahead of the tag Bartlett realized he had to seize this opportunity to make some sound baserunning decisions if he hoped to hit a home run tonight. On the first pitch he made a wild steal attempt for third base, and Jodie's throw to stop him was offline, resulting in a clean steal of third. She was really kicking herself now after promising she would not allow any guy to get this far, so soon after she was lit up for 8 earned runs in an appearance a couple of weeks ago.

Things were tense with Bartlett on third base, with a real chance to score. But then he attempted a strange squeeze bunt, which was ineffectively delivered, and he was then caught between third and home in an awkward rundown situation. He attempted to run her over at the plate and score the run, but she managed to hold on to the balls until he was called out by the umpire.

Overall it was an inspiring effort from Bartlett and may be a sign he is about to turn things around on his dating season.

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An Illinois federal judge has ruled that the Chicago Bears are legally allowed to terminate the employment of Cedric Benson based on his drunk driving and boating charges. Benson had challenged the team's termination of his contract after two DUI arrests in a month's time. The judge also informed the Bears organization that they are allowed by law to feed him to actual bears in front of the public. Apparently it's a law put on the books by the founders of Illinois who heard about a similar law that originated from the ancient Roman Empire. It stated that any gladiators who were convicted of multiple driving a chariot while under the influence of wine, or 2 DACWHUTIOW's, could be fed to bears, lions, or other vicious animals at the Emperor's choosing in a public forum.

The Chicago Bears organization have announced the ceremony will take place this Saturday at the Chicago Zoo where they will lower Benson into the black bear pit at noon eastern time. He will be basted in a combination of sheep's blood and barbeque sauce before the feeding, and his remains may or may not be cooked and served for lunch depending on how much of him is left afterwards. Animal rights groups are protesting the event, claiming the feeding will no doubt lead to intoxication of the animals due to the usually high blood-alcohol content of Benson.

But most local residents are excited about the opportunity to watch someone, whom they have all hated over the past three seasons for being such a huge bust, be eaten alive by bears. "It's gonna be quite an event," said local Gabe Byrd. "I'm bringing my 2-year-old son to the feeding. It's going to be his first time watching a man get mauled to death by an animal. Wow, I still remember my first time, it's something I consider special to this very day. I made my whole family "I Saw The Bear Eat Benson" t-shirts that we can wear to the event. It's gonna be very cool, and they even said we may get to eat a cooked piece of him afterwards. I hope I can get a piece of his 3.6 yard per carry legs, they sure couldn't do much powering past the line, so I bet that meat is real tender."

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