I was given an opportunity to interview college basketball star and future 1 pick Greg Oden and I would now like to share with you what was said. Some of the stuff me surprise you.

Santini- Thank you for being here Greg. I know you have a busy schedule and I'm glad you took the time to talk to me.

Oden- Not a problem. I just got finished with my History of Rock n Roll class and I'm happy to grant you the interview.

Santini- History of Rock n Roll? What's up with that?

Oden- That shits tough bro. One test we had to listen to an instrument that was being played and say what it was. If not for that players bonus here at OSU I would have failed.

Santini- Players bonus? So you’re saying any athlete that goes to OSU gets a players bonus on each of their exams?

Oden- Hell yeah cuz. How else would we make it through college?

Santini- Ok, I'll forget you said that. Talk about your NCAA tournament experience. This is your first year at college so it must be great taking part in The Big Dance.

Oden- The Big Dance? Shoot man, we playing basketball. This ain't no ballroom dancing tournament. The Big dance, what a stupid name. Who would even call it that. Anyways, we played Central Connecticut State in the first game. I tried to Google Connecticut State but it kept saying "no results." Where's Connecticut anyway? It don't matter. Then we had Xavier and I was like, Damn we playing some X-Men today boys. Conley, get ready for that Wolverine ####. That would have been tight as hell bro if we played them X-Men. I would like to press Halle Berry if you know what I mean. Then we played Tennessee and the Big O took them out baby. Now we got some ####es in Memphis. Memphis? I didn’t even know they played basketball in Memphis.

Santini- Yeah, they do. And Memphis is a pretty good team. You better watch out for them.

Oden- Watch out for them? They better watch out for the Big O. Did you see the foul I put on that fool against Xavier?

Santini- Yes I did. What’s your opinion on Kevin Durant? Many have said he will be the number draft pick in next year’s draft.

Oden- Oh, you mean Kevin” "I'm Not in the Sweet Sixteen" Durant. The Celtics got fined for calling him? Why? They need a dark toothpick? I wanted Texas to get into the Final Four so I could show the world who deserves that money, playboy. Durant, seriously, eat a hamburger or something,

Santini- Alright Greg. In your opinion, what aspect of your game do you think you need the most improvement in?

Oden- Improvement? Greg Oden doesn’t need no improvement. Greg Oden can do anything on a basketball court and more. I could snap me fingers and cause a tsunami to hit Ohio. I could strike out Albert Pujols with a broken hand. I can flap my arms and cause a windstorm. I’m Greg Oden ####. I don’t need no improvement.

Santini- There can't be a tsunami in Ohio Greg, you're not around an ocean.

Oden- Then what do you call Oden's Ocean?

Santini- You mean Lake Erie?

Oden- Hell no? I renamed it Oden's Ocean baby. I'm going make me an island in that ocean, maybe buy a couple piranhas and sharks, put them in there. That be tight as hell

Santini- Ok, Let’s just get back to the interview. If you could play one on one with anyone dead or alive, who would it be?

Oden- Nobody because no one can handle The Big O. I wish I could get that car from back to the Future, maybe pimp it out a little. You know, add some 28’s and #### like that. If I had that car I would go back to the past and dunk on Kareem, block Bill Russell's shot and just abuse Wilt in the post. I could dunk on Jesus Christ with four fouls on me and one hand tied behind my back. The world is mine. They're re-naming the school The O-Den State University. The mascot will be a scaled down replica of my hand. I'm the greatest ever.
Santini- One last question Greg, will you go pro next year or will you stay in college.

Santini- One last question, Are you going pro?

Oden- What a stupid #### question. I’m going pro, playboy. College has done nothing for me. I’m already think of a name for my mansion bro. And I’m gonna get a sweet #### garage, name it the O-Den. That’s tight as hell. Maybe I’ll get a pet to. A snake? Nah, I already got a black anaconda in these pants, homie. Oh ####, I got it. One of them polar bears. They might be going extinct but hell I’m Greg Oden. I get whatever I want. I could teach the bear how to ball; #### would be tight as hell.

Santini- Thanks a lot for this interview Greg. It’s been very interesting.

Oden- Not a problem cuz. So how much you gonna pay me for this.

Santini- Excuse me, I’m not paying you anything.

Oden- You mean you ain’t one of them boosters? The guys who pay me a hole lot of money for dunking on people’s faces.

Santini- No, I’m just a blogger from foxsports.com.

Oden- A blogger? You mean you don’t even write for a newspaper? Now no one will know what the O’s gotta say.

Cleveland Cavaliers center Scot Pollard looked into the camera during a recent game and said, "Hey kids, do drugs." That was a totally idiotic thing to say and Pollard has apologized and said that it was just a bad joke. But this got me thinking, what other professional athlete would say something idiotic like this. Here’s what I came up with.

Barry Bonds- “Hey kids, take HGH. You’ll be as strong as your daddy and the best thing is, no one can find out. Your head might grow the size of a planet and your balls may shrink to the size of acorns, but it’s totally worth it.”

Pacman Jones- “Hey kids, go to strip clubs. While you’re there, make it rain. They love that stuff.”

Tank Johnson-“Hey kids, buy lots and lots of guns. One of each kind would be better. And when you get the guns, go outside and shot them. There lots of fun.’’

Jeremy Stevens-“Hey kids, drink and drive. When you’re drunk, you feel totally awesome and then when you drive, it gets even better. You see three different highways at the same time, and the adventure is trying to find the right one. How cool is that?”

Alex Rodriguez- “Hey kids, go to 10 different the####s. You can never have too many the####s evaluating you. I have six at my home in New York and 9 in my home in Miami and let me tell you something, they do wonders.”

Tom Brady- “Hey kids, have premarital sex. Especially with a lot of really good looking women. You might get a couple of kids here and there but still, it’s all worth it.”

Cincinnati Bengals- “From all of us here in Cincinnati, we would like to tell you kids to break every law in the books. But make sure you do it in Cincinnati; you never get thrown in jail. Trust us.”

Terrell Owens- “Hey kids, model your life after me. You may have some bumps in the road here and there but you will be loved by all. Oh, and buy lots of pills. There so yummy.’

Pete Rose- “Hey kids, gamble all the money you have on your favorite team. Trust me; it all works out in the end. I may not be in the Hall of Fame but one day I will. Want to bet when?”

Jerry Jones- “Hey kids, have lots and lots of plastic surgery. You’ll be very good looking when all the surgeries are done. Just look at me.”

Bob Knight- " Hey kids, choke your best friends. It's the ultimate sign of respect so you should do it. If they don't let you, throw a chair at them. That'll teach em."

You know the book Chicken Soup for the teenage soul? Well the advices that I listed above are like Porridge for the Criminal Mind.

In the legendary and iconic movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail, one scene has peasants accusing a beautiful young lady as a witch. They dress her up, and accuse her of working with the dark arts.

I’ve always loved that scene and when I heard that Phil Jackson accused the National Basketball Association of conducting a "witch hunt" on Kobe Bryant, it got me thinking. How could I incorporate that with the Monty Python skit? Here’s what I came up with

Sir Bedevere played by David Stern
The accused witch played by Kobe Bryant
Peasants played by Shaq, Manu Ginobli, Dwayne Wade, Raja Bell, Kyle Korver, and Marko Jaric
King Arthur played by Lebron James

Peasants- We have a witch, we have found a witch. May we burn him?

(Kobe Bryant comes into the scene wearing gansta clothes, with long chains, and a hat flipped to the side. He is obviously been dressed by the peasants to have the appearance of a witch)

Stern- How do you know he is a witch?

Dwayne- He’s dressed like one in all that gansta clothing

Kobe- I’m not a witch, I’m not a witch.

Stern- But you’re dressed like one?

Kobe- They dressed me like this.

Peasants- No we didn’t, no we didn’t

Kobe- This is obviously not my chain and the shirt is two sizes too big.

Stern- Well?

Manu- Ok, maybe we did the chain and the shirt, but he’s still a witch.

Stern- What makes you thinks he’s a witch?

Shaq- We found a book of spells. It’s in a secret witchin language.

(Stern takes the book, starts reading it)

Stern- This is an Italian cook book in Italian.

Raja- Oh… well he’s still a witch, he turned me into an NBA star.

Stern- An NBA star?

Raja- Ok, maybe just for a couple of days.

All- Burn him anyways.

Stern- Quiet, there are ways to tell if he’s a witch.

All- There are? Tell us oh wise Sir Stern

Stern- Tell me, what do witches make?

Peasants- Frogs?... Hurricanes?

Lebron- A synthetic basketball

Stern- Yes, very good. So if Kobe can make a synthetic basketball into the hoop, he must be a?

Shaq- A lucky (expletive) player.

Stern- No.

Raja- A witch.

Stern- Yes

Peasants- Let’s go get a synthetic basketball and a hoop…

Stern- Wait, can’t you also make a leather ball into the hoop.

Peasants- Oh, yes... shoot.

Stern- Your hopes are not done yet, since it’s so hard to make a synthetic basketball into the hoop, Kobe must be a?

Lebron- Dirty Basketball player?

Stern- Exactly, so if he’s a dirty basketball player, he’s a?

Peasants- A witch.

Wade- How do we know if he’s a dirty player?

Stern- Well, I remember a couple of weeks ago when Kobe throw his elbow at Manu, Korver, and Jaric in a pick up basketball game. That would make him a dirty player and a witch.

(Peasants get really quiet; it takes them a while to comprehend what Stern is saying)

Shaq- So we can burn him?

Stern- Yes, burn him.

Peasants- To the pits.

There’s a rumor out that Tom Brady’s Girlfriend, Gisele Bunchean, is pregnant. This would make 2 kids Tom Brady will have out of wedlock. I wonder how Brady’s feeling. His good guy Catholic image has taken a huge hit; I just wish I knew how he’s feeling. Oh wait, Let me go through his diary. That should say something.

From the Diary of Tom Brady, March 7, 2007

“Oh ####, Diary. Giselle’s pregnant. I was wondering, do this two completions affect my completion percentage? I think it should. But all these babies are seriously hurting my Catholic credibility. How’s it going to look when I show up to receive my blessings from the pope and I have 2 kids and no mommies? There goes my contract with the Vatican. I only wish Giselle and Bridget where my receivers during the Colts game because we probably would have won. I also hear a rumor in the locker room that some of our offensive linemen are scared that I might impregnate them by accident while taking the snap. I thought that was really silly, everyone knows only Peyton Manning and Eli Manning can impregnate their offensive lineman. I hear Jeff Saturday’s due in August.

I also got an interesting message on my answering machine today from Shawn Kemp; this is what he said "Yawn. Call me when you get to 5". Pete Carroll also called, offering us a crib for reasons he says are unrelated to recruiting. I actually have a confession diary; I am actually the father of Anne Nicole Smith’s baby. Yep, there you have it, the truth. And one more thing diary, I was thinking o####reat catchphrase for my next commercial. Here it is; “That’s ok if you like 6’4’’, 225 pound quarterback with laser rocket sperm.” What do you think; I believe it will go over very with all the Christian hardcore groups.”

There you have it, the truth behind the pregnantion of Gisele Bunchean.

-Roger Clemens wants to come back and pitch only if he’s paid 4 million a month for his services. 4 million a month? Come on Roger, so if you start in July you’re going to get 12 million just for three months of work, not including if your team gets into the playoffs. What a lucky (expletive) job, plus you won’t have to go on road games with your team or doing anything like that. Look if I’m paying the man 4 million a month I expect him to be with the team the entire time. It’s great that he keeps saying he wants to win another championship but at this point I don’t buy it. He’s in it for the money.

-Dominic Rhodes signed a two year contract with the Oakland Raiders. So let me get this straight, the man goes from a Super Bowl Team to the worst team in the league. He goes from Peyton Manning to Andrew Walters/ maybe Jamarcus Russell. He goes from Tony Dungy to Doggie Hosier. And finally, he goes to Al Davis. I’m not judging Rhodes because I don’t know him, but he doesn’t seem like that bright o####uy.

-By the way, what’s going on with all the Running backs changing sceneries? Willis McGhee to the Ravens, Travis Henry to Denver, Jamal Lewis to the Browns, Rhodes to Oakland, and Reuben Droughns to the Giants. Maybe it just shows how replaceable NFL runningbacks are. The one signing that will have a big affect on draft day is the signing of Jamal Lewis. It opens up some huge questions like are the Browns going to draft Peterson or are they going to take the risk and draft Quinn. I say go with Peterson because Crenel cannot afford to have a rookie quarterback calling the shots next year. He has one year left, if he wins he stays and if he loses he’s gone. Take the safer choice Romeo.

I look into my crystal ball and what do I see? Some of the stories for 2017.

I see Barry Bond’s head growing to the size of Australia, although still denieing that he ever knowingly took any illegal substances during his playing days. His head has grown so big that it has blocked the sun, causing an ice age. The growth of his feet has also been rumored to cause the holes in the ozone layer.

I see the disable list being changed to the Prood List in honor of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. Mark Prior was on the list a record 10 straight years while Kerry Wood had his right arm amputated as a result of trying to throw the Gyro ball. His arm just couldn’t take it anymore

I see Jake Plummer working for the Peace Corps, trying to help those less fortunate than him. But every time he throws water bottles to the thirsty children, rebel forces intercept it. 

I see the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, desperate to find an ace,  announce that Raymond will be the opening day starter. Robert Szasz, known for as the Happy Heckler, was second in line.

I see Baseball’s Free Agency changing from spending an incredible amount of money on players, to spending an incredible amount of money on Countries. George Steinbrenner, still alive and running things, was the first of this new wave of transactions. He bought the country of Cuba and the Dominican Republic for a mear 1.5 billion dollars. When asked for a quote, Steinbrenner said, “You can never put a price on winning baseball games and championships.” The Devil Rays management wanted to get in on these deals so they bought Alaska, only to realize that it’s not a country but actually a part of the United States.

I see Mario Williams, who suffered suffering a career ending knee injury in 2009, working at a drive thru, holding up signs for the new Super Mario Bros. fast-food chain. As part of the job, Mario had to dress like Mario from the Super Mario Brothers. Gary Kubiak stands right next to him holding up the signs, but only to be dressed as Mario’s love interest Daisy. Reggie Bush will be inducted into Canton later in the year.

I see Major League baseball, wanting to give the little guy a shot,  allowing the smaller market teams a head start on the regular season. This new rule means that the Royals and Devil Rays will now be out of the playoff race by January.

I see Kevin Federline as the newly elected NBA commissioner after defeating David Stern in a rap battle. Federline’s first decision as commissioner is to take out cheerleaders and put in strippers. 

I see the NFL, still precautious after the Janet Jackson halftime #### incident, hire the Boston Phil harmonica for the halftime show.

I see George Mitchell will finally conclude his steroid investigation with his imminent death.

I see College Football adding 32 more bowl games just so everyone has a shot.

And Finnally,

I see Charlie Weis skinny.

Wait, there's a smug in my crystal ball covering Charlie Weis, let me get rid of it. Oh jeez. Forget the last thing I said.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post describing the real reason why Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter can’t stand each other. Well, it doesn’t end there, here’s part 2 of the Saga. The Middle School Years.

Alex and Derek have solved their problems from elementary school and are friends again. Or so they thought

Derek- I'm glad we can put our differences behind us Alex.

Alex- Well Derek, we had some tough times. With the Nintendo incident and the Lego incident. I'm glad we can be friends again.

Derek- Sure thing (takes out a ring he found in a cereal box)

Alex- Where did you get that?

Derek- Oh this, I found it. Why?

Alex- Well, because I had a cereal box and there was no ring inside.

Derek- Are you saying that I stole it?

Alex- No, no, no, Mr. Perfect Jeter. You did nothing wrong. You want me to get you anything else your highness.

Derek- Look it's not my problem that you don't have a ring, Alex. I got lucky I guess.

Alex- Lucky huh? My the#### warned me about this. He said...

Derek- You're still going to Dr. Andrews? I thought you stopped that back in elementary school. Look, you aren't going to start talking all proper again are you because if you are, I'm leaving.

Alex- I listen to Dr. Andrews, Dr. Reeves, Dr. Jones, and Dr. Ramirez

Derek- How many doctors do you go to Alex?

Alex- About 8.

Derek- There's something wrong with you bro.

Alex- Bro? Oh, so I'm your bro now huh. That's very nice. Well bro, why don't you give me my ring back.

Derek- For the last time, I didn't take your ring. I earned it.

Alex- You earned it? How did you earn it? Oh I know, you probably had you're rich uncle buy you 2500 boxes until you got the one with the ring. Is that right Derek. Because you know with your uncle there's no limit on spending for you.

Derek- No, look it's just a stupid ring. Why do you want it so bad?

Alex- A ring can define your career Derek. You’re either a legend or a bum without it.

Derek- What career? You're in the 7th grade Alex. And a legend, please tell me what makes you legendary. You're ability to speak what you think is Spanish?

Alex- Oh, so now you're mocking my people?

Derek- Your people? Alex, you were born in Miami. Are your people Miamians because the last I checked Miami is in Florida which is in the United States. And you say I'm mocking you? What about when you told the school newspaper that I wear Speedos instead of bathing suits? And how do you even know that I wear a Speedo. Are you stalking me?

(Alex says nothing, Jason and Jeremy Giambi walks into the room hearing the argument.)

Jason- Look guys, can't we just get along? You two our the best players on the dodge ball team and without you guys, we stuck.

Alex- Shut up Jason, We don't you and Jeremy go take some more of those illegal Flintstone vitamins in the bathroom. Because we all know you have no talent at all.

(The two brothers turn around and start crying. Their backs are full of acne and hair, the side affects to illegal Flintstone vitamins given by Victor Conte, the school janitor.)

Derek- That wasn't necessary Alex. Jeremy and Jason are good guys.

Alex- Oh sure, stick up for them. When was the last time you stood up for me Derek? When?

Derek- Look, this relationship is over.

Alex- Fine, Chuck Knoublach is a better friend anyways.

I'll be back with this story in the next couple of weeks with part 3, the high school years.

Everyone has heard of Gary Matthews Jr. being linked to the internet steroid selling in Orlando, and in my opinion, it's really making sense of things. Throughout Matthews’s career he was a journeyman, and then all of a sudden he's an All Star. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together; you don't become a great ball player over night unless you had some help. That’s really why I hate the whole steroid issue, we must always speculate when someone has a great year. The steroid issue has really clouded the views of some fans; they think that no player is good enough to consistently put up great numbers without taking something. Matthews made a mistake; he did not deny the report. When asked about the issue he simply stated that until he gets more information, he can not comment on the matter. Gary, if I were you I would say I know absolutely nothing about this thing in Orlando and I've never taken illegal substances in my life. Whether the statements true or false, you still deny. Deny, Deny, Deny. Because everyone will think, “ We’ll, if he didn’t deny it, it must be true.”

The Raiders should not draft a quarterback with the first pick. I don't care how far Russell can throw the ball or how much media publicity Quinn will bring you, do not draft a quarterback. A rookie quarterback can make a big impact on a team if there’s already talent there. Ben Rothlesberger is a great example of this. But the Raiders don't have offensive talent, they have an ok running back, a sub par receiving core, and an offensive line that, to say the least, is god awful. Who should they draft then? The logical choice is Joe Thomas but they won't do it because they drafted Gallery a couple of years back and he hasn't turned out to be the stud they thought he was going to be. The one player I really hope they don't get is Calvin Johnson just because I hope he's there for the Bucs to pickup with the 4th pick. Calvin is such an amazing talent, it's kind of scary. He shows up at the columbine 9 pounds overweight and was initialy not going to do any work outs. Scouts were right then questioning his work habit, so he borrows someone's shoes and runs a 4.35 in the 40. He's 6'5'' 240 pounds and runs a 4.35. You don’t play football in shorts and a t-shirt, but how many guys that are considered overweight and still run a 4.35.

If you are a person whose sending death threats to Barry Bonds, I feel really sorry for you. I don’t care if you like him or not, sending death threats is the most ridiculous thing ever. The guy hasn’t killed anyone, he just plays baseball. Sure he might have taken HGH, but that gives no reason for you to threaten his life. I think the guy is a complete (expletive) hole, but I would never send a death threat to him or anyone. Why can’t we put the steroids aside and just watch Barry Bonds play baseball. He’s going to chase a magical record, why can’t we just watch him play the game. Like I said, if you send the man a death threat, I feel really sorry for you.

Thank you, Bears organization. You finally paid Lovie Smith the kind of money he deserves. Although it took you a little while, I’m glad you came to your senses and paid the man. Now Lovie can focus on just football and hopefully produce a championship for your organization. Great move on the part of the Bears.

Kevin Durant is without question the best player in the NCAA. Did anyone watch that game last night? It was awesome, just awesome. Law was also great for the Aggies but Durant outshined him. There’s really nothing that kid can’t do on a basketball court. If he bulks up more, I would seriously consider taking him over Oden if I had the first pick in next years draft. That is if he leaves which I don’t think he will. I think he enjoys the college game and that’s a great thing. There’s nothing like going to college and I can’t wait for my turn. Only a couple more years.

Oh my God!!! Dice-K struck out minor leaguers and pitched batting practice in spring training. Hand him the CY Young now, we can forget about even playing the season. That’s a load of bull. I’ve stated that I have nothing against the guy, but ESPN keeps slamming him down our throats and I’m just sick of it. I know he was a really good pitcher in Japan and can throw a gyro ball and blah blah blah. Dice-K mania has reached a level of over exposure, the guy has yet to throw one single inning and experts are calling him the savior of the Red Sox’s pitching staff. Let’s see what he does against the Yankees in September/ October. Oh look, Espn is showing Dice-K throw long toss. He’s the best long tosser I’ve ever seen. He has a place in Cooperstown just for being such a great long tosser. Give me a break.

The cover boy for the new EA Sports NCAA Football 2008 game is ... Boise States quarterback, Jared Zabranski. No, really, he is. I could easily make fun of this but I’m not. I’m actually happy that EA Sports gave the cover to a pretty unknown player. Ask the common person where Boise State is and I would bet you anything they wouldn’t guess the universities in Idaho. I’m glad they gave it to the underdogs of College Football, Boise State. Boise’s has had tremendous success in the last couple of seasons, but they are not respected like a big time program. But it doesn’t matter to me who’s on the cover; I’m going to buy the game anyways.

Baseball is finally about to begin. It’s my favorite time of the year and I really can’t wait. But the competitive side of me is gone by May because I root for the Devil Rays and let’s face it, they’ll be in last place forever. We actually have a pretty good team, a great young outfield, a decent but young infield, and a pretty good line up. But, we have no one after Kazmir. The drop between Kazmir and the next good pitcher is huge. And the bullpen, oh the bullpen. I don’t really want to get on the bullpen because it’s just so bad. If baseball was just a game where you used you’re line up only in a game, we would have a shot. But unfortunately, baseball is not played that way and until then, we’ll be sitting in last place in the AL East. Oh, and a salary cap would also help.

That’s all I got, feel free to comment

All college players who enter the NFL Draft are put through a series of rigorous physical tests. They are also put to the test mentally by a test known as the Wonderlic Personnel Test, which is similar to an IQ test. I have actually found a copy of the test and would now like to share it with you. Fell free to answer as many questions as you can.

1. Look at the row of Super Bowls below. What number Super Bowl should come next?

Super Bowl XXXIV Super Bowl XXXV Super Bowl XXXVI Super Bowl XXXVII Super Bowl XXXVIII

a) XXXIX b) Those aren't numbers, they're letters, dumb #### c) 39 d) Screw the Super Bowl, I want to get paid ####

2. Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one:

Bill Romanowski took steroids. Steroids can cause men to grow breasts. Bill Romanowski has man-boobs.

a) True b) False c) How the hell should I know d) Men have boobs? E) Are they the same size as Bill Parcell's

3. If you were drafted by Oakland, you would?

A) Wish I was never born B) Die a painful death C) Wait until Al Davis mummifies and then play for the Raiders

4. Which number is bigger?

A)30,000 B) 1,000,000 C) 10,000,000 D) My salary E) My illegitimate kids

5. ASK | AT • Do these words:

a) Have similar meanings b) Have contradictory meanings c) ####:; they're the same words, bro

6. Assume the first two statements are true. Is the final one:

Tom Brady throws footballs. Tom Brady was blessed by the Pope. Tom Brady's kid is the second coming of Jesus Christ.

a) True b) False c) Brady's a pimp d) Only one kid, I had more in high school

7. Marcus Vick runs a 4.37 and Maurice Clarett runs a 4.45. Who has a better chance of out-running the cops and evading arrest?

a) Vick b) Clarrett c) Do they let cops play football now d) It depends, which one has a gun

8. If Adam and Eve where the first humans, then

a) They did it right? B) Bobby Bowden is their kid c) Did Adam and Eve go up the hill to fetch a pail of water? No, I got my nursery rhymes mixed up.

9. If you were once the top NFL player in the game, but all of the sudden you retired to pursue other things, you would?

A) Go on a vh1 reality show B) there’s life after football? where’s that in my contract C) Be Chris Berman’s #### at ESPN

10. If it took you 5 hrs to get from New York to Florida, and then 3 hours to get from Florida to Arizona, how many hours would you spend on the plane?

A) Math and flying are two things I don't mess with B) 8 c) Why would I want to go to Arizona?
11. What's the best way to alienate fans?

a) Leave the field early b) Give less than 100% c) Write a Children's book on your alter ego D) NFL Fans are aliens? That's pretty scary, bro. That E.T. that #### don't fly with me

12. Assume the first two statements are true. The third one would be?

Peyton Manning Loves football. Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl. Eli Manning has never gotten laid.

A)True B) False C) I didn’t even have to read the first two, just seeing the words Eli Manning and getting laid in the same sentence is absolutely hilarious

13.What would you do if you were drafted by the Bengals?

a) Go out on the town with Chris Henry b) make it rain with some strippers c) see if cops really don't work in Cinncinatti

14. What’s the Wonderlic?

A) A dance move B) the famous bread company C) the test you just took D) I did that #### last night with my shorty.

What is the Gyro Ball?  Is it nothing more than a Japanese version of a slider? Is it an epidemic that has caused many well respected sporting sites to spend weeks explaining it? Maybe. My guess is once a few hitters see the gyro ball; it's going to become apparent that its secret is that it travels about 400 feet in the opposite direction fairly often. It’s just a splitter with a little more downward movement. That’s all it really is, a combination of a splitter and cut fastball. I won’t fully understand it until Scooter explains it for me on Fox Baseball. Anyways, there are some myths on the gyro ball that I would now like to share with you. This is the stuff ESPN won’t let you see.

The Gyro ball is mear space junk left over from the formation of our solar system. There are three reasons why astronomers will never give it planetatary status, it has an elliptical orbit (as opposed to a circular one), it doesn't orbit our sun, and it has a cork center instead of a heavy metal core.

The pitch spins in circles, change directions in mid-air and dates Salma Hayek. All at the same time

Dice K Matsuzaka needed help from the top Japanese scientists to find a pitch that would counteract the effects of the rampaging, radiation-mutated Barry Bonds

You can throw a gyro ball in Baseball Simulator on the original Nintendo, but it would split into 3 different balls and had flames shooting out of them.

Kerry Wood tried to throw it once and has never been the same. 

The gyro ball was one of the causes for man-made Global Warming. It's magnetism seems to get it's strength from the nothern Magnetic Pole [or Czech] and is causing the glaciers to get slushy and the Polar Bears to P&M.

Rex Grossman tried to throw a Gyro Ball during the Super Bowl, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work for two sports.

The gyro ball is the father of Anne Nicole Smiths kid and is the father of Bridget Monyhan's kid. Let's just say it gets around.

Manny Ramirez reported early to spring training because the gyroball told him to.

Tom Selleck had trouble hitting the gyro ball when he was playing in Japan.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for the gyro ball.

The gyro ball is the reason why Waldo is hiding

Matt Millen tried to draft the gyro ball in last year's NFL draft thinking it was Japanese for wide receiver. He was sadly mistaken.

David Wells is trying to learn how to pitch the gyro ball so he can revive his career. He's eaten enough gyros, why not try a pitch named after it?

The gyro ball once challenged the BCS to a fight. The BCS has never been the same

The gyro ball challenged Roger Federrer to a tennis match. Unfortunately, Federrer has yet to accept the challenge or humiliation he will receive from it.

It takes more time to deliver a gyro then to finish watching the Oscars and let me tell you, that's a long #### time.

The gyro ball is behind all the blog wars between Dusty, NYace, Fatmaw, Socal, and everyone else that's in the war. So if you want to blame anything, blame the gyro ball.

So there you have it, the truth behind the Gyro Ball. Or is it?

Everyone wants to know the real story behind the relationship between Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter. The basic question is why don’t they like each other? Many have pointed out that it was negative comments Alex made towards Jeter in a magazine and Jeter has yet to forgive him. But it goes much farther back than that. How far you may ask? About 20 odd years ago when A-Rod and Jeter where both 11 years old. Here’s the story of when their relationship took a turn for the worst.

In a 5th grade, Alex and Derek are the most popular kids in Kalaiami Middle School. They had everything: friends, legos, and all the gummi worms they could eat. But that wasn’t enough, Alex wanted perfection and Jeter just wanted to have a good time. There personalities finally clashed on this frightful day.

A-Rod is playing with his Lego Marine Laboratory and Derek walks up hoping he can help his friend.

Derek- Hey Alex, you need some help buddy?

Alex- No Derek, this experiment is way too complex for your dense mind to comprehend.

Derek- Why are you talking so weird Alex? Ever sense you went to Mrs. Matthews the school nurse you’ve been talking so proper. Jesus, were only in 5th grade man, have some fun man.

Alex- I will not oblige to the pressure my parents or you Derek have possessed on me. I must finish this Marine Laboratory and it must be perfect. Hand me the 2 dimensional circumference poles.

Derek- I hope I’m not thinking want you want me to hand to you Alex. (Other kids start giggling.)

Alex- No, Derek. It’s a word I’ve created for a ruler.

Derek- Why didn’t you just say ruler? It would have save me so much time.

Alex- It’s all about you isn’t Derek? Mister perfect who can do no wrong in the eyes of everyone. Why don’t you go watch Sponge bob you stupid Neanderthal.

Derek- Are you still mad at me when I pulled out your control in Super Mario Brothers? Look, I’m really sorry about that.

Alex- You don’t understand Derek, it no one blames you for anything. I beat you in Mario Brothers and our friends say you had an off day and whenever I lose, they say I’m horrible and will never amount to anything. I just can’t handle the pressure Derek.

Derek- You can’t handle the pressure of a video game?

Alex- Ok, fine. Make fun of me. Haha, very funny. Alex speaks so proper and he wears purple lipstick. Big Freaking Deal.

Derek- You wear purple lipstick? That actually explains a few things.

Alex- Yes, I do and I’m proud of that. You know what Derek; I’m not inviting you to my birthday party. This friend ship is over.

Derek- That’s fine with me. It’s not like I wanted to go to another one of your “sleepovers’ Alex. My booty still hurts from the last time I went.

And they’ve never been the same ever since

Spring Training hasn’t even begun and their’s already a story about everybody’s favorite Yankee, Alex Rodriguez. The media wants to get a head start on the A-Rod bashing so they decided to make this ridiculous story headline news. Derek Jeter, as usual, describes it the best. If theirs one player you can not hate on the Yankees, it's Jeter. Here’s his statement on his relationship with A-Rod.

“We go out there. We work together. This is our fourth year to be playing together. It's annoying to hear about it all the time. Everyone assumes they know what our relationship is. Everyone assumes -- they see us on the field, if one person gives another one a look, it's a story. If we're at opposite ends of the bench, people say it's a story."

Could their be a better answer? Why is this such a big story? What do you want New York, A-Rod and Jeter to go out for lunch every day? They are two completely different people who don’t get along. That happens in every day life. Both these guys are what's right about baseball. This A-Rod #### reminds me of the Peyton Manning saga - a good guy who does the right thing and is a winner in life even though he never won the ‘big game”. Perhaps if A-Rod could get some tattoos, addictions, and arrests on his record he would have enough street cred to get the media off his back.

Derek and A-Rod actually care about their image. They don't make the papers in a bad way. Neither have a mug shot. And A-Rod for all his problems in the post season, it's because he pressures himself too much and not because he was out all night drinking and getting high. So Jeter and A-Rod aren't going to the prom together. Why does this matter? This is the only chink they can find in the armor of two respectful, decent individuals and they want to run with it as if ruining their public image would be a good thing. It's like the sports writers covering the Jeter / A-Rod split also review soap operas in their off time and they don't know how to make the transition.

TheGreatSantini’s All Defensive Team

This is the 50th year of the Rawling’s Gold Glove and to celebrate they’ve decided to allow the fans chose the top defensive player to play in a specific position from 1957 and up or also known as The All-Time Rawlings Defensive Gold Glove Team. I have already voted and would like to share with you my picks.

Pitcher- Greg Maddox

Catcher- Johnny Bench- Revolutionized the position of catcher. I could have gone with Pudge but Johnny is just the best.

1st Base- Keith Hernandez- If Bill Mazeroski got in to the Hall of Fame solely on defense, then Keith deserves to be voted in. I’m a big fan of Don Mattingly, but I believe Keith was the better defensive player and overall player.

2nd Base- Roberto Alomar- The most athletic 2nd baseman ever. I went with him because I’ve never seen Bill play although I hear he’s the Babe Ruth of second baseman.

3rd Baseman- Brooks Robinson- No brainier here

SS- Omar Vizquel- Although the Wizard will get voted in, I believe Omar was the best ever to play the position.

OF- Roberto Clemente, Willie Mays, and Ichiro- Roberto Clemente is a hero in the country where my parents were born so you can say I’m a little bias with picking him. But he had an amazing arm and in my opinion, he’s the best right fielder ever. Willie Mays was just brilliant in center field. Rocket arm and highlight reel plays, he and Clemente are the best 5-tool players the game has ever seen. Now, for my last pick it was between Andrew Jones and Ichiro. Andrew Jones is a highlight machine, making dazzling catch after dazzling catch. But there’s just something special about Ichiro. Ichiro is the only player I consider comparable to Clemente defensive wise. He has just amazing range and arm strength plus he plays right field beautifully.

Those are my picks. Remember, this is solely my opinion and I know not everyone will agree with me. We all have our own opinion; if you respect mine I’ll respect yours.

Congratulations A.J., you got the head coach you wanted. You wanted a pushover coach who would not challenge your authority and that's what you got. But if you seriously think that Norv Turner is the one coach who can elevate the Chargers to Super Bowl level, then you're dead wrong. How did he do in Oakland again?

Norv is a great offensive coordinator, look at what he did with Frank Gore and Alex Smith last year, but the man has failed many a times at head coach. What I can't understand is how the Chargers fired a guy who turned them around in one year, for a coach who has a 58-82-1 record. I know A.J. is a great GM, he's drafted stars in the past couple of years and pulled off a brilliant trade to get Philip Rivers, Shawn Merriman, and Nate Keilding, but this has to be the dumbest move he's made. Norv Turner is an offensive coordinator, not a head coach. San Diego was on its way to being a Super Bowl caliber team, but this move is a set back to their ultimate goal.

The next one, who really cares?

As fans, we are fascinated in finding the next one. Be it the next Michael Jordan, the next Bill Russell, the next Willie Mays, the next Wayne Grezty, or even the next Joe Montana. My question is, why does it matter?

Why do the fans and the media always want to label a player as the next great star? Why do we have to compare Lebron James to Michael Jordan or Greg Oden to Bill Russell? Why can’t we just celebrate players for being who they are and not who they aren’t? Lebron James will never be Michael Jordan and Greg Oden will never be Bill Russell. Why? Because only Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan and Bill Russell is only Bill Russell. I know that logic is very simple, but many people don’t use it. They just want to find the next great thing. The media is always looking for the next great thing to hype up and the fans are always looking for the next great thing to lead their team to a championship. Not before long, that player will retire and the only memory the fans and the media will have of him is that he was supposed to be the next Michael Jordan and he wasn’t. He failed in their eyes because he did not meet their level of expectation and that’s wrong. Not every player can reach that magical level, that level where you become legendary.

Another thing I can’t stand is labeling someone the next great star when he has yet to play a single game on the pro level. Maybe that’s why I don’t like Reggie Bush, all the talk of him being the next Gale Sayers before stepping on a pro field annoyed me. I thought it was disrespectful towards Sayers, how could someone be compared to a legend like Sayers without playing one game. Let his career play out and after it’s over, compare all you want.

Dice-K Matsuzaka is another player I'm annoyed by. Not that he’s done anything to me, but people are labeling him the savior of the Red Soxs pitching rotation without him pitching one single inning. He has no experience in the pro game, but yet the Red Soxs spent over 100 million dollars to get him. You’re probably saying, “Well Santini, how can you say he has 0 MLB experience when he was the MVP of the World Baseball Classic.’ Yes, Dice-K won the MVP, but did you see the teams he pitched against? Mexico, Cuba, South Korea. Jorge Cantu and the shortstop from Cuba on the Mariners (forgot his name) are the only ones who play in the big leagues. How’s that for experience. If he were to dominate the Domican lineup, then I might be sold on Dice-k, but he didn’t.

What dose this mini rant that I just had really mean? Stop comparing players and just enjoy them for being who they are. Enjoy watching them because they don’t play forever.

That’s just my thought, loved to hear your’s.

Where's the one place in the world where you can see a 67 year old referee race one of the best basketball players ever and then they share a passionate kiss? Where’s the one place in the world where you can see Shaq dancing with Dwight Howard and Lebron James? Where’s the one place in the world where Dwight Howard can put a sticker on the backboard at 12 feet 6 inches and then dunk, all in one jump and not even garner enough points to reach the finals? That all happened in Vegas saturday night. Oh yeah, and there was the 3 point contest and the skills challenge and the sophomore/rookie game but who really cares about that. All that matters was the race, the dance, and the dunk contest.

Let’s start with the race. #### Bavetta was all business, ready to take down Barkley with the crowd cheering him on. Charles Barkley's legendary confidence seemed shaken, could he face the humiliation if he where to lose to the old timer? As they were getting ready, #### had a hard time take his sweatpants off, a possible sign of nerves. But he finally managed to take them off and was ready to go. False start by Barkley, and then another false start by Barkley. He really did not want to lose. And then they were off and Barkley led the entire race. Half way through it, Bavetta takes a head first dive and then Barkley, back pedaling now, falls on his (expletive). At that single moment, every single slot machine in Las Vegas released all the money they had. The round mound of rebound should try that when he gambles.

Anyways, the race finishes and Barkley wins, Barkley wins. The two then share a passionate kiss. I wonder if Tim Hardaway now hates old people and black people? It’s really hard to call #### Bavetta a loser, though. He went through it with such good spirit, such class, and outright desire. He's 67 years old, and he willingly made a Pete Rose head first dive on a hardwood floor. I know there’s the game tonight, but it’s going to be really hard up staging that classic. That race was the Ali/Frazier of the 21st century. All I hope is that there’s a rematch.

Now to the slam dunk competition. If you didn’t see it, Dwight Howard looked like freaking superman and was robbed. He put a sticker on the backboard at 12 feet 6 inches and then dunk, all in one jump. It was incredible. But the #### judges don’t advance him to the final round. I'm guessing the all time great dunkers were so into themselves that they didn’t even notice how high the sticker was. Then when someone pointed it out to them, they got defensive, sort of like,

"I'm Mike Jordan, damn it, I said 8 at first and I meant 8. The simplicity of your game amuses me; bring me a plate of your finest meats and cheeses."

It was Nate Robinson vs. Gerald Green in the finals with Green winning. Nate Robinson just keeps getting more and more annoying. I have nothing against the guy, but he shouldn’t have won last year with his 100 attempts and he shouldn’t have been in the finals this year.

And the dance, oh the dance. I never knew Shaq was so agile and athletic, pulling off some moves that I’ve never seen before. Shaq also introduced his own slot machine line of shows which make absolutely no sense. I realize that Shaq is not everyone's cup of tea, but when he retires, who's going to do stuff like this? It seems like Shaq is making a concerted effort to pass the torch to Dwight Howard this weekend.

100 Million For this Guy?

When you spend over 100 million dollars on a pitcher who has zero major league experience, you expect him to show up at Spring Training in shape. Well, that's not the case for Boston Red Sox’s phenomenon Daisuke Matsuzaka, the 100 million dollar man from Japan. Looking at the picture you can see that Dice-K has been eating a little too many gyros and the way he's holding the bag, Tim Hardaway most not approve. I know that baseball players don't exactly have to be the most perfect physical specimens nor am I making fun of any one who’s overweight, but when a team has invested over 100 million dollars on a player that's a complete mystery, you expect him to be in Mr.Universe shape and not look like the Japanese guy from Heroes.

Reggie Bush got injured playing..... in a celebrity basketball game

That's right, the New Orleans Saints star injured his ankle last night in the annual celebrity

basketball game. I'm serious. The future of the New Orleans Saints was playing in a basketball game with Carrot Top, David Arquette and Bobby Flay, the famous chef from the food network. Exhibition games haven't exactly been to kind for the Saints this off-season, Drew Brees dislocated his shoulder in the Pro Bowl, and Reggie Bush injured his ankle in this stupid game. What's next? Deuce McAllister breaks his hand in a friendly game of monopoly. Also, has anyone seen how ripped Carrot Top is. Jesus, they should start testing actors or whatever the hell Carrot Top is supposed to be, for HGH because that guy is on something. I hear that Carrot Tip has been hanging with Victor Conte and is pen-pals with Greg Anderson. You can expect to see him roaming CF in PacBell Park later this season.

A possible end of the greatest football analyst in the history of football analyzing

The New York Post has reported that one industry source believes the decision of firing Michael Irvin, the greatest analyst in the history of ESPN, has already been made, and that some at the network view the outspoken Irvin as a ticking time bomb, ready to explode into a public-relations nightmare.
ESPN did not confirm or deny the report, but issued a statement, saying: "We are currently in the process of discussing studio assignments for next season." How can we live in a world were Michael Irvin is not protecting T.O. every single waking moment. That is one world I do not want to live in. Michael Irvin is a hero to most football fans and the removal of him from ESPN will be heartbreaking to say the least. Ok, maybe he’s done some drugs but like drugs have ever killed anyone. Come on. Michael Irvin is from the U baby, the U. No one is better than them. First Reynolds gets canned then Stephen A. Smith loses his show and now Irvin getting canned? ESPN, you know its Black History month, right?

What’s the next step for Michael Irvin? Well, a VH1 reality show of course.

Rex Grossman and Playmates

Vince Neil had a surprise birthday party at the Palms Fantasy Tower the day before Valentines Day. Attendees included Criss Angel, Dennis Rodman, Jason Giambi and "celebrity colorist" Michael Boychuck. And if you scroll down you can see a picture of Rex Gossman partying with playmates. They were playing blackjack until 2 a.m., at which time they moved to the craps table. There, Grossman took out one of the Playmates' eyes with the dice. Rex hasn't looked that confident since his passer rating was over 100 in October. If only he was as good at passing as he is at hitting on Playboy Bunnies. On a more serious note, who looks more older, Vince Neil or Greg Oden?

A lot has been made of A.J. Smith firing Marty Schottenheimer last night; a lot of people that I greatly respect have given their opinions on the matter. Some side with Marty and some side with A.J. Some say Marty went 14-2 and desereved better and the some say he hasn’t won a playoff game and is lucky he wasn't fired earlier. What’s my opinion on the matter; well I won’t give you one. Instead, let’s take a look at the diaries of both these men. I’m sure they both made an entry last night.

From the Diary of Marty Schottenheimer, February 13, 2007

“Get this diary, I was fired last night. Let me tell you what happened. I was watching Happy Days on my brand new T.V. I’m telling you diary, this T.V. has all the works, and it even has color!!!! Anyways, I hear the phone ring, get up, and it’s A.J. on the other line. So I was thinking he wanted my input on the draft or something like that because he never calls. But no diary, that man has the nerves to fire me. Fire Ole’ Marty for no good reason. He was telling me we had some kind of dysfunctional relationship and I was like, we had a relationship? I thought the only reason you hired me was to turn San Diego into a contender and I did that. The contract that I signed said nothing about having a “good” relationship with the GM. Oh well, what can I do.

Jerry Jones kept bugging me about coaching the Cowboys but I told him no because I was very happy in San Diego. Well you know what diary; I’m going to take the Dallas Job. Wade’s the “supposed” head coach over there. I get a laugh every time I hear that that man is a head coach. What a joke. Even I have a better playoff winning percentage than him (stops writing, takes out a paper with coaches wining percentages in the playoff, starts writing again), OK never mind what I just said. God I really suck. Maybe that had something to do with me being fired.”

From the Diary of A.J. Smith, February 13, 2007

“Guess what Diary, I fired Marty last night. I know I said last month that he will be our coach for the long haul but I lied. Big freaking deal, all Marty did was turn our franchise around from a 4-12 team to a 12-4 division championship team in one year. And yeah, he went 14-2 this year, which was the best record in the AFC and blah blah blah. Like all that stuffs any hard. I once swam out into the deep parts of some San Diego beach and I was really scared. But that doesn't get any publicity and I'm sure what I did was just as hard. And now the experts are saying that if Marty went 14-2 and still got fired, how will other coaches believe I have a commitment towards them. You know what I say, go 19-0 and we’ll be perfectly fine. Like that’s a hard thing to do. I’m sure many teams have gone 19-0. But if he goes 18-1, tough luck, find a new job. I ain’t running no charity here in San Diego.”

So there you have it, the truth behind the firing of Marty Schottenheimer. I hope this post clears up what went wrong in San Diego.