Episode three of my epic, and very irregular, 'poke fun at motorsport' series. If you don't like having a sledgehammer taken to your favourite driver, I suggest you stop reading this now...although this is just F1 so most probably don't have a clue with half the names anyway. 

The Formula One season kicked o...uh, green lighted off (not quite the same ring I think you'd agree) in Melbourne two weekends ago and it was thoroughly dominated by the McLaren duo of Lewis "do as I say, not as I do" Hamilton and Heikki "from henceforth dubbed Kovy as it's far easier on the keyboard" Kovalainen which was a big surprise as Ferrari looked to have stolen several marches on the field during testing...the joys of the unpredictabilty of motorsport, eh?

Lewis took the pole from Robert "I'm starting to catch my teammate" Kubica and, yet again, dived straight across the track off the startline to block Robert...clearly Lewis has yet to read the memo about it being bad form to #### on about unfair blocking tactics from other drivers (Alonso at Spa) when you keep doing it yourself. The Kimster got off to a great start for 2008, making me look like an #### for believing he had got over his 'car breaker' tag...thanks, Kimi, you cost me in Will's trifecta, mate. Not only did he start mid-grid, he then got stuck behind Rubens' Honda for half the race, elected not to pit under the safety car that came out mid-distance (insane as that would have put him in a great position to win the race), spun trying to pass Kovy on the restart and spun again trying to pass Toyota's rookie, Timo Glock, before retiring his limping horse when his engine went AWOL...not a good day for the reigning Champion. His teammate faired little better, sel####estructing in the race taking out, firstly himself by spinning at turn one and then David Coulthard as he was trying to make his way through the field...DC won't be sending Felipe any Christmas cards this year if his interview afterwards was anything to go by.

Drive of the day belonged to Sebestian "Mr Champ Car" Bourdais who was on for fourth place until his engine let go less than two laps from the chequered flag while Glock got both Air-time and Crash of the day when he launched himself over the accessway and destroyed his car on landing...I don't think he actually hit the wall so the fact it got that damaged is truly an amazing effort. Kovy got done out of second place when the final safety car came out handing the place to Nick.

On to Malaysia then where Ferrari managed to show the pace everyone knew they had, monopolising the front row while the Maccas were pinged for being morons in the qualifying session by holding up Nick "the most underrated driver in the history of F1" Heidfeld as he attempted to complete his final flying lap. I will see if I can find the onboard camera form Nick's car so you can see the closing speeds as he had to duck and dive around the other cars...so why did just the McLarens get penalised, you ask? Well, of the other seven cars that were also trolling around at, what seemed like, 10 mph, only Lewis and Kovy were on the racing line. Of course, McLaren pleaded innocence saying it was purely coincidental that BMW were the best chance of ruining McLarens second row starting spots. The FIA gave both silver cars a five car penalty and they started the race from 8th and 9th, Kovy in front.

Here we go...good thing Nick used his head or McLaren would require two new cars for the race.

As expected, Ferrari ran away with the race, Kimi jumping Felipe at the first round of pitstops, but, as we've seen several times in his career, Felipe threw his race away when he exited the track, stage left. Of all the drivers, he was the one I was most worried about handling no traction control and so far has a big doughnut after two rounds...not boding well at all. My man, Mark Webber, had a great start...amazingly...and held up Lewis for the first two thirds of the race, helped by Lewis losing (at least) ten seconds on his first pitstop. Kovy managed to come through for third while Robert grabbed BMW's second consecutive second place finish. Jarno Trulli somehow ended up fourth showing that Toyota's early season pace isn't limited to just NASCAR...it remains to be seen if that keeps up the rest of the year however.

The circus heads to Bahrain next where it's BMW's turn to have bad luck and I'm expecting Kimi to be leading the Championship after that race...so naturally it'll still be Lewis in front instead.

You're a multi-millionaire.

You've got your headquarters in a prime location.

You've hired the best Engineers, Designers and have a killer pitcrew.

You've got sponsors lined up down the road, all wanting to be a part of your new team...but now comes the hard part; who are you going to pay the big bucks to deliver the result on the track?

To figure that out, you'll have to see who's been hot lately and who hasn't. Not as easy a choice as you may think since you're trying to headhunt the best of the best, the cream of the crop, the one guy who you would want driving the car if your life depended on it right now.

A month ago, the guy at the top of your list was Lewis Hamilton. The rookie F1 driver had won the Canadian and US races and was sitting pretty with the Championship lead. Six weeks ago, it was Martin Truex Jr...that guy won his first Cup race at Dover and has since been a factor in pretty much every race. Two months ago, another name; Dario Franchitti. He'd just won the Indianapolis 500 and leapt to the top in the IRL standings. Prior to that it was Jeff Gordon...see how hard this choice has become?

Well, you can cross all those names off since I'm going to tell you who the hottest driver going around is...hands down. He's been riding a huge crest this past month and I have to wonder what this guy has to do to get the recognition he deserves.

Give up? Have no idea who could possibly blow those guys out of the water with his performances?

I'll give you a hint; he's from New Zealand.

Yep, that's right...the best driver in the world right now is none other than Scott Dixon.

Scott piloting his #9 Ganassi Honda IRL beast

You disagree with that? Let me give you some statistics then.

Scott just won his third straight race in the IRL series and has closed the gap to Franchitti from 60 points to 24 in that time. He finished second in the Indy 500 (behind Dario) and probably would have won the race had it not been cut short due to the weather. He won the IRL title in 2003 (in his first season I might add) and is the youngest winner of an internationally recognised 'top level' motorsport event (cars anyway...no idea about bikes) after he won his third ever CART (now Champ Car World Series) race at Nazareth when he was just 20 years old.

You want more proof? He's won the last three IRL races at Watkins Glen...big deal you might say. After all, he's from a country where road courses are the norm. That's all well and good but he won the 2005 race with Toyota power. So what? Toyota had the least powerful engine (by as much as 50 horsepower) yet Scott still whipped everyone...mighty impressive I think you'd agree.

Scott has nine wins in his IRL career...his last 3 have come in the last 3 races

I can see that you're slowly starting to believe me so let me give even more information. He also finished runnerup to Sam Hornish Jr in last years IRL Championship, outscoring his more highly fancied teammate, Dan Wheldon. And his record doesn't stop at open-wheelers either. Last year, Scott teamed up with Wheldon and Casey Mears to win the Daytona 24 hour race.

And he's no slouch with a roof over his head either

He may not have the high profile that a lot of drivers have...but he also doesn't have the baggage those guys carry either. He'll give it 100% every time he steps behind the wheel and anything less than first will see him work that little bit harder next time...that's the kind of driver I want. Oh yeah, and he's only just turned 27...so plenty of years left in his career.

Ok, I can see that you're nodding your head now so my work here is done...Scott Dixon is now at the top of that list.

Mind you, you'll have a fight on your hands to nick him off Chip...but Scott will more than pay you back.

Now I’m sure many of you have heard of the 'Commentator’s Curse' before, but do we have as much power as the guys (and girls) in the booth?

I reckon I do and let me explain why; The Melbourne Cup (Australia’s biggest horse race that happens on the second Tuesday of November every year).

My record of picking the winner since 1988 stands at 2 wins from 19 attempts…that’s rather pitiful and the sole reason why I haven’t slapped $5 on the race since 2002. On the plus side, I am due this year since my wins came in 1993 and 2000…a seven year itch by the looks of it.

Pocono; Denny Hamlin won, no, dominated that track in season 2006, scoring the pole and win in both starts there. Now I saved up a ‘Denny’ in my foxsports fantasy picks just for last week (and also picked him in Williamwilman’s trifecta)…and what happened? Bloody rain! I tell you I was looking real good over the first 50 odd laps before it all went pair shaped as Steve Letarte used up his ‘phone a friend’ and snatched it from under my nose.

"Lock in 'C' thanks; rain after the #99 pits and the #11 is behind us!"

What about season 2006? My favourite driver is Kasey Kahne who was pretty much untouchable about a third of the way through the year. I had decided to take a 6 week holiday around this time last year which allowed me to go to the race at Sonoma...from that point on, Kasey's season plummeted downhill at a great rate of knots and only a win and a third in the last few races managed to get him into the Chase. Sorry Kasey, I accept full responsibility for ruining your chances of the title.

How about some more "fan" proof? Take my fellow racing nut, photogr; he’s picked Jimmie Johnson in the last two races of Will's trifecta and has managed to completely destroy Jimmie’s momentum after a blown tyre and a crash…we shall see if Jeff Gordan suffers the same fate this weekend.

Now I’ll admit, sometimes you manage to hit on the perfect combination…I went with Sam Hornish to win last week in the IRL race and he did, while photogr cancelled out Jimmie’s performance  by going with the rookie sensation, Lewis Hamilton, who collected his maiden win in the Canadian GP. But that doesn't make for good reading so I'm not going down that road.

I shall now indulge everyone on the two best cases I’ve heard of the dreaded Curse, one by commentators and the other by a fan. One occurred just under a month ago in a Rugby League game played in Brisbane, Australia. One player managed to charge down a kick, pick up the ball, put a little kick over the top of the defence, re-gather and dive across the line right as the halftime siren went off.

What’s so bad about that you might think? Quite rightly too since it was a spectacular piece of skill to watch.

Well, midway through the second half, after receiving the praise from all the commentators, he threw a desperate pass to a teammate on his own goal line which was intercepted by an opposing player who scored the easiest points he’ll ever get in his career.

The other time happened nearly four years ago in the Rugby Union World Cup semi-final between New Zealand and Australia. I was watching it with my coworkers down at the bar and a guy shouted out "why doesn't he throw the ball out wide to the fast guys?!"

Thankfully, the NZ player was listening and did just that moments later...only for the pass to be picked off and an Aussie player raced 80 odd yards to touch down at the other end.

Now all the talk about people who will never support Dale Jr since he’s gone to Hendrick Motorsports has me thinking…that could very well be exactly what Jr needs since there are more of us fans than there are commentators.

If I was a betting man, I’d be heading down to the local TAB and putting a fiver on him to win his first title in 2008…but considering my record, I think I’ll keep my money through fear of jinxing the poor bloke.

"This win's for my Dad...and Tez who decided not to bet on me, thanks man!"