Episode three of my epic, and very irregular, 'poke fun at motorsport' series. If you don't like having a sledgehammer taken to your favourite driver, I suggest you stop reading this now...although this is just F1 so most probably don't have a clue with half the names anyway. 

The Formula One season kicked o...uh, green lighted off (not quite the same ring I think you'd agree) in Melbourne two weekends ago and it was thoroughly dominated by the McLaren duo of Lewis "do as I say, not as I do" Hamilton and Heikki "from henceforth dubbed Kovy as it's far easier on the keyboard" Kovalainen which was a big surprise as Ferrari looked to have stolen several marches on the field during testing...the joys of the unpredictabilty of motorsport, eh?

Lewis took the pole from Robert "I'm starting to catch my teammate" Kubica and, yet again, dived straight across the track off the startline to block Robert...clearly Lewis has yet to read the memo about it being bad form to #### on about unfair blocking tactics from other drivers (Alonso at Spa) when you keep doing it yourself. The Kimster got off to a great start for 2008, making me look like an #### for believing he had got over his 'car breaker' tag...thanks, Kimi, you cost me in Will's trifecta, mate. Not only did he start mid-grid, he then got stuck behind Rubens' Honda for half the race, elected not to pit under the safety car that came out mid-distance (insane as that would have put him in a great position to win the race), spun trying to pass Kovy on the restart and spun again trying to pass Toyota's rookie, Timo Glock, before retiring his limping horse when his engine went AWOL...not a good day for the reigning Champion. His teammate faired little better, sel####estructing in the race taking out, firstly himself by spinning at turn one and then David Coulthard as he was trying to make his way through the field...DC won't be sending Felipe any Christmas cards this year if his interview afterwards was anything to go by.

Drive of the day belonged to Sebestian "Mr Champ Car" Bourdais who was on for fourth place until his engine let go less than two laps from the chequered flag while Glock got both Air-time and Crash of the day when he launched himself over the accessway and destroyed his car on landing...I don't think he actually hit the wall so the fact it got that damaged is truly an amazing effort. Kovy got done out of second place when the final safety car came out handing the place to Nick.

On to Malaysia then where Ferrari managed to show the pace everyone knew they had, monopolising the front row while the Maccas were pinged for being morons in the qualifying session by holding up Nick "the most underrated driver in the history of F1" Heidfeld as he attempted to complete his final flying lap. I will see if I can find the onboard camera form Nick's car so you can see the closing speeds as he had to duck and dive around the other cars...so why did just the McLarens get penalised, you ask? Well, of the other seven cars that were also trolling around at, what seemed like, 10 mph, only Lewis and Kovy were on the racing line. Of course, McLaren pleaded innocence saying it was purely coincidental that BMW were the best chance of ruining McLarens second row starting spots. The FIA gave both silver cars a five car penalty and they started the race from 8th and 9th, Kovy in front.

Here we go...good thing Nick used his head or McLaren would require two new cars for the race.

As expected, Ferrari ran away with the race, Kimi jumping Felipe at the first round of pitstops, but, as we've seen several times in his career, Felipe threw his race away when he exited the track, stage left. Of all the drivers, he was the one I was most worried about handling no traction control and so far has a big doughnut after two rounds...not boding well at all. My man, Mark Webber, had a great start...amazingly...and held up Lewis for the first two thirds of the race, helped by Lewis losing (at least) ten seconds on his first pitstop. Kovy managed to come through for third while Robert grabbed BMW's second consecutive second place finish. Jarno Trulli somehow ended up fourth showing that Toyota's early season pace isn't limited to just NASCAR...it remains to be seen if that keeps up the rest of the year however.

The circus heads to Bahrain next where it's BMW's turn to have bad luck and I'm expecting Kimi to be leading the Championship after that race...so naturally it'll still be Lewis in front instead.