Welcome to Inside the Actors Studio. Here’s your host, James Lipton.


James Lipton: In addition to actors, we’ve had directors, screenwriters, and musicians here on Inside the Actors Studio. But now we have something truly unique for you. Tonight my guest is the self-proclaimed “Czar of Sports,” who built his Sports in a Can empire after brokering an agreement for the NCAA to create and televise a true “Bowl Championship Series” playoff system. Please join me in welcoming the Czar of Sports.

Czar: Thank you, James. It’s truly an honor to be here. Even though I don’t know why I’m here.

JL: Well, as you know, I’ve exhausted all of the good actors. I recently had Mark Ruffalo on for crying out loud. And if you just asked, “Who the heck is that?” just imagine how I felt interviewing him. So I’ve resorted to interviewing some of the actors for a second time, which is going pretty well. But I need to do something more. And I’ve interviewed some musicians before, so I thought, why not the world of sports?

Czar: Sounds good to me, James. I have no idea who Mark Ruffalo is either.

JL: Let’s talk a moment about that day that you first appeared on the scene. You testified before Congress on December 9, 2005, at a hearing of the Commerce, Trade, and Consumer Protection subcommittee. How did you get involved in the process that day?

Czar: When I heard that Congress was actually going to get involved in the BCS process, I felt there was no better time to strike than then. At the time there were so many proposals for a true Bowl Championship Series, some from well-known names in sports, some from inside the NCAA, with the major conferences pitted against the smaller conferences. I was able to convince the NCAA that to do it right and get it in place would require someone who wasn’t “in the inner circle” as it were. Timing is everything in life, and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

JL: Fantastic. Truly brilliant. So this is year three of your system, yes?

Czar: Yes it is. And what a year it’s been. With the number one and number two teams in the BCS rankings losing seemingly every week, could you imagine if the old system were still in place? I mean, Ohio State would be playing LSU for the national championship while teams like Virginia Tech, Oklahoma, and undefeated Hawaii would be on the outside looking in! Meanwhile, think about this: If LSU and Virginia Tech had both lost last week, Georgia might have moved up to #2 in the BCS standings. Which means the old system would have had Georgia—a team that couldn’t even qualify for its conference championship game—playing for the national championship!

JL: Dreadful. That would truly be dreadful. Now last year you made a few tweaks to the manner in which the teams were selected. Talk about that for a moment.

Czar: This will be a constantly evolving process until we get it perfect. Last year we decided to ensure that teams hosting the first round of games would have to be conference champions. It worked out so well that we’ve made another major change this year. The biggest complaint I hear from coaches and fans is that a playoff system makes the regular season meaningless. So we’ve decided that only conference champions—and Notre Dame if they’re ever good again—will be invited into the Bowl Championship Series.

JL: That’s delicious. Tell me more.

Czar: Take this past Saturday. How exciting were those games? But in the old days, some of the results just wouldn’t have mattered. The committee and I sat there watching Missouri-Oklahoma thinking that if we hadn’t changed the rules, both teams would have ended up in our BCS field. And, there was a distinct possibility that they would have ended up playing each other in the first round. That just didn’t seem right. Instead, Missouri and Oklahoma basically played a play-in game for the tournament last weekend. Missouri is out and Oklahoma locked up a first round home game.

JL: So just how are the match-ups determined?

Czar: We take the final BCS standings and seed the top 8 teams according to the top 8 conference champions. The top four seeds host the opening round games, with the winners advancing to two of the major bowls. The winners of those bowl games advance to play in the Allstate BCS Championship Game, which will be held Sunday, January 27.

JL: That’s the week before the Super Bowl?

Czar: Correct. The spotlight will be solely on the championship game.

JL: I see you have brought some lovely charts with you that showcase this year’s brackets. Who draws these for you?

Czar: That would be Rob, the official Sports in a Can illustrator.

JL: He’s the man. These are gorgeous. Let’s talk about the match-ups you’ve got for the tournament this year.

Czar: In the first game of the tournament we’ll have the undefeated Warriors against an LSU team whose two losses both came in triple overtime. This game will also feature one of our two David vs. Goliath match-ups, as Hawaii hails from the non-super power WAC. The winner of this game advances to the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl to take on the winner of Virginia Tech and West Virginia. The Mountaineers of West Virginia missed out on a golden opportunity to host a first round game. But their loss dropped them down to the #6 seed. Meanwhile, I’m really happy for Virginia Tech. Their players and students are still dealing with the effects of the shooting earlier this year. So what a way for them to end the year—by hosting a first round BCS game.

JL: That is just beautiful. I think I might cry. Talk some more.

Czar: Game 3 of the first round pits #1 seed Ohio State against the biggest underdog we have in the tournament: BYU. The champion of the Mountain West conference was ranked 17th in the final BCS standings, but with our new “champions only” field, BYU gets to crash the party. They’ll have their hands full traveling to Columbus to take on the new #1 team in the country. And the final game of round 1 features two teams many feel are playing the best football in the country right now: Oklahoma and USC. The winners of these two games square off in the Fed Ex Orange Bowl.

JL: That’s fantastic. I can’t wait. Now let me ask you: Why you? Why of all of the people who could have developed this system, why were you the man for the job?

Czar: I’m the perfect person for this job, James. I’m not a college football fan, per se. I’m more of NFL guy. But give me a reason to watch and I’m there. I love March Madness. I’m not watching college basketball for four months ad nauseum, but come March I’m glued to the television. Why? The brackets, the upsets, the drama, and the fact that all of those teams are in the field with a chance to win on the court. In college football, why should I care about the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl or the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl or the Papajohns.com Bowl? I just don’t. But put eight teams in a bracket and give them all a chance to win the title and I’m there. And I think the average fan agrees with me.

JL: I know you had some major upsets last year in the tournament. Are you expecting any surprises this year?

Czar: I don’t like to predict what’s going to happen, James. I don’t want there to be any suggestion of impropriety on my part. Plus everyone tells me I’m not very good at picking NFL games, so I won’t speculate on these college games. But last year was very exciting, as Boise State knocked off both Ohio State and Florida, the top two teams in the field, on their way to the national championship game. They ended up losing to USC, but remember how they ran the Statue of Liberty play in the Orange Bowl—the 2nd round of the tournament—and then that player proposed to his girlfriend?

JL: How could I forget? That was truly a moment of Hollywood-esque magnitude.

Czar: Well, could you imagine if that happened at the end of some meaningless bowl game instead of during the tournament? Who would have watched? Who would have cared?

JL: I’ll ask the questions here, Czar.

Czar: Sorry about that.

JL: What is your favorite word?

Czar: I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but I’d lean toward flummoxed, vermouth, or gunky.

JL: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Czar: Good job on fixing that BCS thing. If I had to listen to all of you complaining about something that was so easy to fix for one more year, there might have been another flood.

---

Week 14 NFL Picks

Chicago (+3) over WASHINGTON
JACKSONVILLE (-10½) over Carolina
Dallas (-10½) over DETROIT
BUFFALO (-7) over Miami
NY Giants (+2½) over PHILADELPHIA
GREEN BAY (-10½) over Oakland
San Diego (E) over TENNESSEE
St. Louis (+6½) over CINCINNATI
Tampa Bay (-3) over HOUSTON
SEATTLE (-7) over Arizona
Minnesota (-8½) over SAN FRANCISCO
Cleveland (-3½) over NY JETS
DENVER (-6½) over Kansas City
NEW ENGLAND (-10½) over Pittsburgh
Indianapolis (-9) over BALTIMORE
New Orleans (-4½) over ATLANTA

Last week: 9-7
Season: 86-96-10

Live! From Hollywood, it’s the 2007 Bowl Championship Series Selection Show, only on FOX!

Joe Buck: Welcome to the BCS Selection Show. I’m Joe Buck. Tonight, we’re going to be joined by some of the most influential people in all of sports. Bolstered by high ratings, tremendous fan interest, and lots of profits for last year’s Bowl Championship Series, the NCAA went back to the drawing board to make this year’s tournament even better. We’ll explain how it all works in just a moment.

But first, let me welcome our in-studio panel of experts to help us break down the tournament: My FOX NFL Sunday compatriots, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson are here. And we’re also pleased to have our friends #### Vitale, Chris Berman, and Michael Irvin from ESPN; Bob Costas, John Madden, and Al Michaels from NBC; Boomer Esiason and Shannon Sharpe from CBS; and Steve Lyons from Telemundo. Basically, we’ve assembled 12 people who know nothing about college football. But that’s OK. Because I’m here. And I know everything.

Bob Costas: Are you trying to steal my self-appointed title of Most Intelligent Sports Announcer Who Can Talk About Any Sport?! You pompous, arrogant--

Buck: Security! All right, let’s get right to it. This year, instead of simply seeding teams according to the final BCS rankings, the NCAA came up with a few additional rules for the seeding procedures. First, you must be a conference champion to be seeded 1 through 4, and thus receive an opening round home game. This means that Michigan, who is sure to be ranked in the top 3 when we reveal the standings, cannot host an opening round game. Also, no more than two teams from the same conference will be eligible for the Bowl Championship Series. This sets up the potential for all kinds of intrigue as we await the final announcement of the rankings.

Finally, after the opening round of games is completed, the winning teams will be re-seeded according to their final BCS ranking. This will make it impossible for the top two BCS teams to square off until the Championship Game. The highest remaining seed after the opening round will face the lowest remaining seed, and the middle two teams will face each other. The opening round winners will face off in the Sugar Bowl and the Orange Bowl, while the losers will head to the Rose Bowl and the Fiesta Bowl. The Sugar and Orange Bowl winners will then meet in the BCS Championship Game.

Boomer Esiason: Get on with it, Joe, will ya? Some of us have a life, ya know?

Buck: Without further ado, let’s get to the opening round match-ups. It’s no surprise to anyone that the #1 ranked BCS team for 2006 is Big Ten champion Ohio State. They will be the top seed in the opening round of the Bowl Championship Series. Their opponent, the last team in the field, is Big 12 champion Oklahoma. The Sooners finished 10th in the BCS but will be seeded 8th for the opening round. We’ll explain why in just a few moments.

Jimmy Johnson: Fantastic! The first surprise of the night! Hey, how’s my hair?

Terry Bradshaw: I’m already confused. How is #10 now #8? Are you making this up, Buck?

Buck: It will all be clear in a moment, Terry. The #2 seed in the opening round will be the Florida Gators, who finished 2nd in the BCS standings and won the SEC. Their opponent in Round 1 will be undefeated Boise State. The WAC Champions finished 8th in the BCS standings, and they will receive their first invitation to the Bowl Championship Series as the #7 seed in the opening round. Do the Broncos have the same mid-major conference mojo that George Mason had during March Madness? Thanks to the new BCS system, we’ll get to find out this year.

#### Vitale: I only wish this game would be played on that crazy blue field of Boise State’s, Babee! But what about little Rutgers, where I used to coach? How can they get left out of this party? You know I went to high school with Coach Greg Schiano’s parents. I had a little crush on his mom, Rene. She was a cheerleader, but I didn’t have a shot because I was ugly…

Buck: Oooookay. Back to the tournament field. Grabbing the #3 seed for the opening round is USC. The Trojans lost on Saturday and finished 5th in the BCS, but since the #3 and #4 BCS-ranked teams did not win their conferences, USC gets a home game in the opening round. They will square off with LSU, who finished 4th in the BCS standings, but since they did not win the SEC, they cannot host an opening round game.

Bradshaw: Dagnabit, I don’t understand one word of this! 5 is 3 and 4 is 5—who thought of this plan?

Chris Berman: Rumbling, stumbling, bumbling. He COULD! GO! ALL! THE! WAY! Everyone who’s anyone supports this plan! People such as the former SEC President and original BCS architect Roy Kramer vs. Kramer. And NCAA President I could go for Myles and Myles and Myles Brand. And, of course, Miami University’s president, Donna Sha-LAYLA! You’ve got me on my knees! LAYLA! I’m begging, Darling, please!

Buck [bellowing over Berman]: Finally, in what has to be one of the most intriguing match-ups of the opening round, Louisville, the Big East champion, secures the #4 seed and the final home game. The Cardinals finished 6th in the BCS but move up to #4 in the opening round by virtue of winning the Big East. Their opponent will be Michigan, who has been sitting around since losing to Ohio State, wondering who their opponent would be in the opening round.

Vitale: I smell upset city, Babee! Little Louisville’s gonna have a big surprise in store for the big bad bullies from Michigan!

John Madden: You know this is really good. There’s nobody saying, “Well, we could have beaten so-and-so,” or “Why don’t we get to play so-and-so?” It’s all well and good to say, for example, that USC will play Michigan in the Rose Bowl, but without a chance to win the national title, it’s kind of like showing off a six-legged turducken on TV. If you’re not the one who’s gonna eat it, then it’s like a tree falls in the forest and only the squirrels get to see it.

Buck: Does anyone have any idea what John just said? OK, let’s talk a moment about who gets left out in the cold here. Wisconsin and Auburn, who finished 7th and 9th in the BCS, sit behind two teams each from their own conferences. Since the rule is that only two teams per conference can go, these two teams get bumped out. And who had their bubble burst? Who was ranked 11th in the BCS standings but just barely missed out? That would be the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. There could be some gnashing of teeth over that one.

Bob Costas [yelling from off camera]: Can this tournament possibly have any kind of legitimacy if Notre Dame isn’t involved?!? This whole thing is a sham!

Buck [duct-taping #### Vitale and Chris Berman’s mouths shut]: I’m very proud to be joined on the phone right now by the President of the United States, George W. Bush. Mr. President, what do you think about the new Bowl Championship Series?

President Bush: First, let me say, why aren’t there any Texas teams in this tourney? I mean, come on! Shouldn’t that be one of your durned rules? I’ll talk to Congress about that one. I think this new strategery is great. Decide it on the field. Don’t let no supercomputer mumbo-jumbo get in the way. And polls? The Amer’can people don’t know how to vote! Just look at all those God-fearing Republicans who just lost! And how close my race was with that feller from Tennessee, in 2000--

President Clinton: Don’t listen to this fool. He still can’t figure out how he just lost control of Congress.

Buck: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got former President Bill Clinton on the line!

Clinton: Heh heh, I haven’t been President for six years and I still have more power than he does. When my wife gets elected President in 2008, I’ll be right back at home in the White House. Oh, what fun times I had there. Now, this new BCS thing is brilliant. This is what can be accomplished when you get the brightest minds in one place and everyone works together and compromises, and...Oops, gotta boogie. Hil’ry’s off in New York this weekend and I have a hot date. Here, talk to Al.

Al Gore: The world’s coming to an end and you want me to talk about football? We’re destroying the oceans and the ozone layer. And these college football games don’t help. All of the noxious gases released at these gigantic stadiums. It’s all detailed in my movie, An Inconvenient Truth--

Buck: Before we go any further in our discussion, I need to welcome in the casts of Prison Break, Bones, and House, for one of several shameless plugs we’ll be doing throughout the show for FOX programming. Welcome everyone! What do you think about this year’s match-ups?

Wentworth Miller: I think I speak for everyone, Joe, when I say--

Buck: OK, we’ve run out of time for that segment. Let’s open up our roundtable discussion with all of our friends from various networks!

Madden: You know, you put the teams on the field and you say, “Now go win this game.” And they win and they tell you, “Well, it doesn’t matter because the computer said this and the voters said that.” I’ve always said you play the games to play the games, and you play the games to win the games, and if you win enough of ‘em, then they can’t keep you out. So now, you’ve got a system that says, “You play the games and we’ll tell you which games to play, and when we’re done, you know, we’ll have a true champion.”

Al Michaels: What John said is both poetic and perfect and--

Shannon Sharpe: Gdssjsjpoew mdmsd kkemd inf nmcomomn mwkecm vopd.

Michael Irvin: What did he just say? Dude, you gotta get some speech lessons or something! You know what I love about college football? Even the white dudes can play. ‘Course, just like Tony Romo, they all just might have some “brother” blood in them. You know what I mean?

Steve Lyons: Hey, I got fired for saying less than that! What gives? This is the second time in two weeks he’s said that and gotten away with it! By the way, has anyone seen Lou Piniella? He still has my wallet.

Buck: This has been the most disgusting, repulsive display of sports journalism I’ve ever witnessed. Almost as disgusting as when Randy Moss mooned the crowd in Green Bay. When we return from commercial, we’ll bring in the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and get their opinions on the tournament. We’ll also talk to Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise—with Katie Holmes mute by his side—Sylvester Stallone, Michael Richards, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Mel Gibson, the Men of the Square Table, and Scooter, the talking baseball. If you change the channel and never come back—and I wouldn’t blame you there—enjoy the football games…we deserve them!

NFL Week 14 Picks 

Last week I had my worst week picking games in who knows how long. So this week I’m going the opposite of what I think. On every game but the Monday Night game, since I'm now 11-3 on Mondays (at least I can do something right). As a matter of fact, I'm tempting the fates, talking about the streak, and pronouncing that the Rams are the Lock of the Week.

Cleveland (+7½) over PITTSBURGH
TAMPA BAY (+3) over Atlanta
KANSAS CITY (-3) over Baltimore
JACKSONVILLE (+1½) over Indianapolis
DETROIT (-1½) over Minnesota
MIAMI (+3½) over New England
CAROLINA (-3) over NY Giants
Oakland (+11½) over CINCINNATI
WASHINGTON (+1½) over Philadelphia
HOUSTON (E) over Tennessee
SAN FRANCISCO (-4) over Green Bay
Seattle (-3) over ARIZONA
Buffalo (+4) over NY JETS
Denver (+9) over SAN DIEGO
New Orleans (+7½) over DALLAS
ST. LOUIS (+6½) over Chicago

Last week:  4-12
Season: 84-104-4

www.sportsinacan.com

I hate the BCS. You do, too, I’m sure. And we’ve all come up with plans to change or fix the current system. The supercomputer spits out two teams and they play for the national championship. Wow. How 21st Century of us. Why not just let the two teams play the game on the Xbox? Why even bother playing the game on the field when everything else is decided behind the scenes?

For years, I thought the big wigs would eventually come around if we came up with better plans that secured spots for the “elite” conferences and provided a playoff system that would make the power conferences even more money. But now I have a new plan. And no one else can take credit for it, because no one saw it coming.

Say it with me: Louisville plays in the BCS title game. Every conference president not running the Big Ten is crying in his or her beer at the thought that the Louisville Cardinals—from the no longer relevant Big East—have a shot at the title. If Louisville can somehow end the season ranked #2 in the BCS, they will play in the Bowl Championship Series title game.

This could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. A playoff system must look pretty appealing right now to folks in places such as Florida, Texas, USC, and Notre Dame. After all, those power schools are in the BCS Top 10. Heck, even the Big Ten—which is almost assured of a spot in the title game, since Ohio State and Michigan are currently #1 and #2 in the BCS and play each other in two weeks—would benefit from a playoff system. But because the system declares that only the top two teams matter, all of these big time schools might be left out in the cold this year.

The fact that the Big East is involved in this master plan is all the more fitting. A few years ago Virginia Tech, Boston College, and Miami bolted the Big East for the Atlantic Coast Conference. A bigger payday and more notoriety awaited in the brave new world. Today, Virginia Tech and BC are 21st and 22nd in the BCS. Miami isn’t even ranked. But tonight, two Big East schools—#3 Louisville and #13 Rutgers—face off in a nationally televised contest to determine who will remain unbeaten.

This is the kind of game in which I would normally root for Rutgers. Theirs is a better underdog story than is Louisville’s. But there are larger issues at stake here than who I’ll cheer for. For the good of college football, Louisville needs to win.

The arguments against some sort of playoff system are so specious that sometimes I question the sanity of those that make them. “Someone will always be left out—if you include 4 teams in a playoff then team #5 will complain.” Well, let them complain. This isn’t about making everyone happy; it’s about deciding the national championship on the field. “It will take away from the tradition of the bowl system.” Really? How about having 479 bowl games and declaring that any team that wins 6 games is eligible for one? Has that taken anything away from the tradition? Anything at all?

Think about this: What if Florida had beaten Auburn and USC had beaten Oregon State, and both teams won out? We could have four undefeated teams—Ohio State/Michigan, Florida, USC, and Louisville—awaiting their fate. But only two of them would get a chance to settle it on the field.

In college basketball, it’s easy to say to a bubble team that misses the tournament, “Hey, if you’d just won one more game, you might be in the tournament.” That doesn’t fly in college football. You can go undefeated and not get to play for the title. There’s no way for you to win that “one more game.” Because the system doesn’t allow it.

The simplest of plans—#1 plays #4, #2 plays #3, and the winners meet for the championship—would be far better than the current system. The most grandiose of schemes—a 16-team tournament beginning in early December at campus sites and continuing into January—could rival March Madness for interest, ratings, and revenue. But, for some reason, the big wigs are against it.

All this could change this year. If Louisville runs the table and Ohio State beats Michigan, Louisville will almost assuredly play for the national championship. If they somehow get shut out, it will be yet another typical BCS screw-up. But if Lousiville plays Ohio State on January 8, that might just be enough to change the system. It all begins tonight. Go Louisville. Let’s set the plan in motion.

 

NFL Week 10 Picks 
Baltimore (-7) over TENNESSEE
INDIANAPOLIS (-12½) over Buffalo
ATLANTA (-9½) over Cleveland
MINNESOTA (-5) over Green Bay
Houston (+10½) over JACKSONVILLE
Kansas City (-1) over MIAMI
NEW ENGLAND (-10½) over NY Jets
San Diego (-1) over CINCINNATI
San Francisco (+6) over DETROIT
PHILADELPHIA (-7) over Washington
Denver (-9½) over OAKLAND
ARIZONA (+7) over Dallas
New Orleans (+4½) over PITTSBURGH
St. Louis (+3) over SEATTLE
NY GIANTS (E) over Chicago
CAROLINA (-9½) over Tampa Bay

Last week: 4-10
Season: 58-67-3

www.sportsinacan.com

New Year’s Day. Thanksgiving. Christmas. You can watch a professional or collegiate sporting event (or two or 20) on all of these important holidays. Same goes for Easter. And Halloween, Valentine’s Day, and St. Patrick’s Day. Heck, even on Arbor Day you can watch some baseball.

But not on July 12. What’s so important about July 12? Is it some international or global holiday of which I’m unaware? Nope. It’s just the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Apparently, this day is important enough to shut down the world of sports.

What sports programming is on tonight? ESPN2 is running the AAA All-Star game, which could be interesting except for the fact that I’ll know exactly none of the players. ESPN has the WNBA All-Star Game, which could be fun except—aww, forget it, it’s not fun. ESPN Classic has the All-Time Greatest World Series. Although I’m not sure if it’s a recap or if they’ll be showing 14 straight hours of old baseball. The Red Sox’ flagship station (NESN) is airing Roger Clemens’ 2nd 20 strikeout game from 1988. The Yankees’ flagship station (YES) has a “classic” game from May. Of 2006. Even the NFL Network is having trouble with quality programming tonight. They’ve got 2 hours of highlights from the Super Bowl runner-up Seattle Seahawks’ 2005 season.

I know we all need to take a break from the TV every once in a while (heresy to some, I know), but shouldn't we be able to decide for ourselves when that should be? The television networks and sports leagues shouldn't be telling us when to take a break.

So I’ve come up with 10 events that could have made for riveting programming, in
light of the fact that there’s nothing on tonight.

Defensive Baseball Derby

Sure the Home Run Derby was fun, but what about the rest of the guys? I mean, defense wins championships, right? So how about a little “Defensive Baseball Derby.” We can have the Double Play Derby. And the Diving Catches Derby. And the Caught Stealing Derby and the Picked Off Derby. And my personal favorite, the Robbing Home Runs Derby.

Wimbledon Finals

Forget Sunday morning breakfast at Wimbledon (our time). Play this tennis match at 1am local and put it on in prime time in the U.S. Because it’s all about us Americans, you know.

Outside the Lines:

4th Place

, A History of Failure

 

In both World Cup soccer and Olympic team events, if you lose in the “final four” you have to play another game for 3rd place or a bronze medal. The loser ends their journey with back-to-back losses and a true sour taste in their mouths. What could be worse than watching everyone on the medal stand knowing you were one win away from joining them? Or playing so well throughout the World Cup only to go home with nothing? ESPN’s Bob Ley investigates the shame of 4th place, and the suffering that goes along with it.

NASCAR vs. IRL Challenge

Here are two of the most popular racing leagues in the world, and yet these two sets of drivers never meet head-to-head. We could change that tonight with the NASCAR vs. IRL Challenge. Here’s how it would work: The All-Stars from each league meet in a custom-designed square track. Flip a coin, and the loser has to go around the track in the opposite direction. Combine the Star Wars pod racing scene with the fastest game of chicken ever, and you’ve got a can’t miss made-for-TV event.

The World Bocce Championship

I had the opportunity to play Bocce for the first time over the July 4th holiday, and I have to tell you I’m intrigued. How has this game escaped me all of my life? Part bowling, part shuffleboard, part lawn darts, this game’s got it all. There’s skill involved (reading the lawn as if it’s the greens of Augusta), as well as athletic ability (those Bocce balls are heavy). Now I know where the Canadians got the idea for curling. I say the best players in the world jump in a big van (the Boccemobile) and show up at some unsuspecting homeowner’s backyard. They push the grill and the lawn chairs out of the way and throw down.

The ESPYs

So the ESPYs are going on tonight. Live. But not on TV. No, you’ll have to wait until Sunday to watch who wins (even though you can find out online all week). What is with ESPN and MTV, with their tape-delayed awards shows? It makes no sense to me at all. Here’s how to do the ESPYs right. Hold them in the same city as the All-Star Game, get all the baseball players to show up, and show them live tonight, when there’s nothing else on. Must I think of everything?

200 Home Runs

Highlights of the best 200 home runs from this season. Show each homer twice, starting with the local broadcast of the opposing team, and then with that player’s home broadcast. This could easily keep me entertained for three hours.

NCAA Kickoff Classic

Look, the NCAA college football season begins earlier and earlier every year, so why not mid-July? Let's get the season rolling with some huge match-up like a Notre Dame-USC rematch.

The Rocky Marathon

Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV—there’s 8 hours of sports right there! There were only 4, right?

Survivor: Major League Baseball Edition

 

In this edition of Survivor, two Major League Baseball teams—Major League in name only—get sent to the minors. According to loyal reader Scott H., this sort of thing happens in European soccer leagues. I think it’s time to give it a shot here. The worst four teams in the league go head-to-head with the losers banished to the minors for the rest of the season. I mean who wants to watch these guys anyway? Tonight's doubleheader would be Pittsburgh at Washington and Kansas City at the Cubs. You win, you keep playing with the big boys. You lose, your season’s over.

I’ll make a few calls and see if we can get some of these ideas working for next year. Until then, there’s nothing on tonight that’s more appealing than watching the WNBA women dunk. They can dunk, right? Thank God for TiVo.

m>ww
w.sportsinacan.com>

Throwing Out More Thoughts on Sports, Life, and Whatnot

Carolina’s thrilling 3-1 win over Edmonton in Game 7 the other night was just the 14th Game 7 ever played in Stanley Cup Finals history. 66 years of Finals and only 14 Game 7s? You know I had to watch that one. I love history in the making.

I’ve got a few suggestions for making the game of soccer a little more exciting: power plays, a much bigger goal (maybe 40 x 40), and two soccer balls. Oh, and every time a player takes a dive and reacts as if he’s been shot with a bazooka, the other team gets a penalty kick…Sorry. I couldn’t let the entire World Cup go by without taking one poke at the sport.

Does Dunkin Donuts lace their smoothies with crack or heroin? I can’t even see the sign for a store without my car veering off the road toward the front door. And, honestly, those drinks aren’t even that good.

I’d like to thank the Miami Heat and Carolina Hurricanes for making at least two of my predictions from my NBA and NHL Playoff Preview come true. They were the two biggest predictions, too. Sure I was wrong on five others from that piece, but I got the two biggies right.

I was going to devote an entire piece to the fact that journeyman relief pitcher Jason Grimsley—who was caught receiving human growth hormones (HGH) delivered to his home—might have his name etched in stone as one of the most important figures in baseball history. I was going to go on and on about how he might be the first link in a dizzying chain of connections that might bring down some of the biggest names in the sport and cause real change. But I’m so sick of the steroids and HGH talk. I can’t take it anymore. I mean if Grimsley’s on the juice, anyone could be. Forget questioning Albert Pujols. What about every middle relief pitcher at all levels of the game? Are they all using? So enough of this talk for me. No matter what happens—no matter how tainted it may have been—we’ll always have that magical summer of ’98, when every McGwire and Sosa at bat was a stop-the-world event.

Picture this: it’s 10am on a Thursday and a bar full of strangers are cheering and hi-fiving. Is it World Cup Fever or just any excuse to drink in the morning? We got robbed on that penalty kick that allowed Ghana to win the game, by the way.

Big shocker from the NBA: Isaiah Thomas has fired hall of fame coach Larry Brown and named himself the successor. He probably figures that if it works for Pat Riley it will work for him as well. Sorry, Isaiah. You were a great player, but coaching and managing is just not your thing. And I’ve watched Pat Riley. I know Pat Riley. And you, sir, are no Pat Riley.

This could be the craziest baseball season in years. Detroit is in first place. Atlanta is 15½ games out of first—and they trail the Mets! Toronto is only 3 games behind the Red Sox and Yankees. 2½ games separate the five teams in the NL West. And the most anticipated pitching performance of the year was 43-year-old Roger Clemens’ return last night (he last 5 innings and allowed 2 runs). Strange days, indeed.

Who told Pink that she could re-invent herself with her fourth album? Who ever thought Paris Hilton could actually carry a tune? And why do crappy songs like Christina Aguilera’s Ain’t No Other Man keep getting stuck in my head?

I’m a little tired of the Ben Roethlisberger talk, but one thing I know for sure: the defending World Champion Steelers have the 2nd-toughest schedule next season and Big Ben’s injury is going to affect them, especially early on.

Many people were writing stories about how Dirk Nowitzki was the next Larry Bird and a game-changing power forward. Others (including myself) were misguided into thinking that Shaq had anything left in the tank other than one great game in every 10. Meanwhile, Dwyane Wade waltzed in and stole the show in the playoffs and Finals. This kid’s a certifiable superstar. And he has some improving to do in his game. Which is scary.

People wonder why interest in horse racing is down? Without a Triple Crown possibility, the Belmont was reduced to a bunch of horses owned by Saudi princes and one owned by George Steinbrenner.

Is this the year of the “almost” underdog? George Mason makes the Final Four. The 8th-seeded Edmonton Oilers reach the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals. Mark it down: the Detroit Tigers will come within one out of winning the World Series—only to have the Cardinals prevail in 7 games.

My brother wants to know why I don’t write more about golf. Did you watch the US Open last week? How much fun is it to watch everyone fail miserably? It’s akin to a 79-78 NBA game. It’s painful sometimes. And just what on earth was Phil Mickelson thinking? So, Boots, that’s why.

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w.sportsinacan.com 

By I.M. Notserious
Unassociated Press

WASHINGTON, DC — The NCAA shocked the sports world last week by announcing that not only would a playoff system be instituted for Division 1 college football, but that the system is already in place for this season.

In an unprecedented move, the NCAA collaborated with the self-proclaimed “Czar of Sports,” webmaster of Sports in a Can, to broker a deal to satisfy all interested parties: the various conference presidents, the television networks, Notre Dame, Congress, and least of all, sports fans. NCAA officials announced last weekend plans to hire the Czar with the job title “Spokesperson for All Things Related to the BCS.”

This announcement came during a Congressional subcommittee hearing that was called to review the current BCS system. The opening statements by the members of the Commerce, Trade, and Consumer Protection subcommittee addressed one of the most important issues facing Congress—the lack of good seats to bowl games for the average Congressman.

As the lengthy opening statements trailed on, the Czar and some NCAA officials were seen fervently discussing matters in the back of the hearing room. Unexpectedly, the Czar approached the table and announced, “We have just finalized the details surrounding a playoff system for college football.”

Despite an audible gasp, the Czar continued, “The Bowl Championship Series will finally be just that—a series of championship games. The top 8 teams in the BCS standings will participate in the Bowl Championship Series. Teams will be seeded 1 through 8 according to their final BCS ranking. Opening round games will be played at campus sites on December 15 and 17. I’ve been in negotiations with the NFL, who have been gracious enough—thanks to a small donation from the NCAA’s coffers—to agree to reschedule their December 17 games so that the first round of college games will have optimal television coverage. The losers of these games will move on to non-playoff bowl games, while the winners will advance to the Orange Bowl and the Sugar Bowl.”

Though members of the subcommittee tried to interject, the Czar continued, “The Orange and Sugar Bowls will host the second round of this new playoff system on January 3 and 4. The winners of those games will meet in the Rose Bowl—which this year will be the BCS Championship Game—on Sunday, January 29. We chose this date because it is the weekend between the NFL’s Conference championship games and the Super Bowl. As you know, television plays a major role in the determining of sports dates and rates. This particular Sunday is—and will be—the perfect time for our BCS Championship Game for this year and for future years.”

As the Chairman of the subcommittee tried to restore order to the hearing, NCAA officials brought forward a tripod display. “Perhaps a little graphical representation will assist the members. Please allow me to introduce, for the first time ever, the brackets for a Division 1 playoff system.”

“The opening round games, because they will be held at campus sites, will give students and fans one last opportunity to see their teams on the quest for a championship. We have finalized agreements with ABC, CBS, NBC, and ESPN to televise these four games. The chairmen of these four networks were very generous, considering the fact that we are asking them to change their programming last minute like this. For that reason, we are only charging $3 million per network to televise these opening round games. Quite a bargain, if you ask me. The Thursday night game—Texas vs. Georgia—will kick off the Bowl Championship Series. On Saturday, college football fans will be treated to a unique triple-header, on three different networks.

“One of the fears that bowl officials have always had is that a playoff system would harm the current bowl system. But I was able to convince these fine gentlemen that the playoff system could be a great addition to the bowl system. As a matter of fact, we will be adding an additional bowl. The four current BCS bowls—the Rose, Orange, Sugar, and Fiesta—will continue to be part of the annual rotation for hosting the Championship Game, the second round games, and the match-ups between the losers of the opening round games. Additionally, a brand new bowl—the Sports in a Can Oreo Thank God There’s Finally a Playoff System Bowl—will be part of this rotation. Here, again, is a visual for you.”

Over the din of the crowd, the Czar continued, “Thank you for your time, ladies and gentlemen. We came here today to make this announcement because we knew this would be televised, free of charge. We are trying to save money wherever we can because putting this system in place this year is going to be a bit of a challenge. In future years, the BCS selection show will officially announce the bowl match-ups and prepare everyone for the playoff system. If you have further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to email us, at bcs@sportsinacan.com.” With that, the Czar, the NCAA officials, and their new brackets, walked out of the hearing room.

Amid a media frenzy, the Czar made some final statements on the front steps of the Capitol: “For far too long, the excuses for not having a playoff system for Division 1 football have been tolerated. Too many games, detrimental to the bowl system, too much time away from the classroom for the kids, etc., etc. But none of these excuses hold water, and everyone knows it. Most NCAA sports have some sort of postseason playoff system. As a matter of fact, every level of college football has a playoff system, except for Division 1. The Division 1-AA playoffs include 32 teams. The champion is going to end up playing 15 games this year, while USC and Texas will only play 13.”

When asked why the change came this year, when the top two teams in the country are undefeated, the Czar explained, “Just because USC and Texas are undefeated does not necessarily mean they are the two best teams. Neither USC nor Texas played Penn State this season, so normally we’d never know whether or not Penn State is in the same class as those two teams. But with our playoff system, the top 8 ranked teams will get the opportunity to win the championship on the field, where it should be won.”

The final question the Czar fielded focused on how he was able to finalize a deal when so many in the past had failed. “Look, this whole thing is about money and power. The NCAA wants both. What these distinguished gentlemen needed to realize is that they can—and will—end up with more of both through this system. The interest—which translates into revenue—that will be generated from this playoff is incredible. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were back in a few years talking about an expanded tournament to include even more bowl games. But for now, I’m thrilled to have been a part of this process.”

Before heading back to Sports in a Can home office, the Czar said, “And the best part of all of this? The fans win for a change. The fans have wanted this system for so long, and finally it’s a reality. Those opening round games will feature some of the best football match-ups a fan could dream up. The Orange and Sugar Bowls will be thrilling. And the 3 week build-up to the Rose Bowl will be spectacular. As a fan myself, I can’t wait. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to secure some tickets for a few Congressmen.”

www.sportsinacan.com