This week, Katie tries her hand at writing the Great American Mystery.

THE MALTESE LUG NUT

It was a dark and stormy night.  At a race track somewhere in Michigan, a scream pierced the damp night air.

“Mr. Roush, Mr. Roush! Someone has stolen the Maltese Lug Nut!”

The Maltese Lug Nut, it was what NASCAR dreams were made of.  Legend said that the Lug Nut was made from a metal alloy never before seen.  Some said that the Lug Nut would make even the most ill-handling race car drive like a dream.  Drivers wanted it, and crew chiefs would do anything to possess it.  In a garage full of race teams looking for an edge on their competition, the suspects were too numerous to mention.

There was the new team owner who was looking to turn a lackluster team into a championship contender.

There was the obsessive crew chief who would stop at nothing to win a third straight championship.

There was the new kid who was being hyped as the greatest thing since sliced bread.  The Lug Nut would certainly help him live up to that hype.

There was the four time champion whose team had yet to find its groove.  If he could get the Lug Nut, it might just be the catalyst to turn his season around and help him win that elusive fifth championship.

And there was the most popular driver living in the shadow of a legend.  Surely the Lug Nut could help him break free of his father’s legacy.

One thing was for sure- NASCAR Chief Inspector Helton had his work cut out for him.

 Jack Roush had possessed the Maltese Lug Nut since the end of the 2007 season.  He was certain it would give his teams the advantage and bring a championship back to his organization.  Roush was positive that the evil Toyota Empire was behind the theft.

 After all, Toyota's golden boy, Kyle Busch, was having the kind of season that drivers dream of.

Roush was also certain that the "magnet" found in the Gibbs #20 Nationwide car was in fact the Maltese Lug Nut. For Roush, that was absolute proof that JGR was behind the theft.

Helton wasn't so sure. The pits had been plagued by a rash of lug nut thefts over the past few races.  He had spoken to a number of people concerning the thefts, and everything seemed to point to Penske Racing.

Helton spent considerable time around the Penske garage looking for clues and talking to various crew members.  Driver Ryan Newman told Helton that there was a new person hanging out with the crew of his teammate, Kurt Busch.

Helton looked more closely at this new person Newman had identified.  She was Kristen Valus, a psychologist from San Francisco who attended various races and wrote articles for the Miller Racing website and FOXSports.com.  She seemed innocent enough, but Helton decided to talk to Kurt Busch about the newest addition to his team.

Busch assured Helton that Kristen was not behind the theft of the Maltese Lug Nut. As proof, he pointed out that his team had also been the victim of a lug nut theft.

 Helton did even more digging, and by the time NASCAR returned to California, he was ready to identify the culprit.  He called a press conference to announce his findings.

“I have asked you here today to expose the thief who stole the Maltese Lug Nut,” Helton told the assembled reporters.  A hush fell over the room as Helton unveiled a photo of the culprit.

“She may look like mild-mannered psychologist Kristen Valus,” Helton told the stunned media, “but in reality, she is the notorious lug nut bandit, Millie Leit.”  Kristen yelled “You’ll never find the Lug Nut,” as NASCAR security surrounded her and carried her off to the NASCAR hauler.  With the culprit in custody, things returned to normal in the NASCAR garage, although Kristen was right about one thing.

They never did find the Maltese Lug Nut.  

No "news" today, just a commentary from the BNN editorial staff--

It was announced today that Reed Sorenson, driver of the #41 Target Dodge for Chip Ganassi Racing, has signed a multi year contract to drive for Gillet Evernham Motorsports beginning with the 2009 season. Sorenson's departure from Ganassi comes on the heels of Texaco's decision to pull out of NASCAR at the end of this season. Texaco sponsors Ganassi's #42 Cup car driven by Juan Pablo Montoya. Earlier this year, Ganassi shut down the #40 team of Dario Franchitti for lack of sponsorship.

This announcement raises several questions, the most obvious being what the devil is going on at Ganassi, and where does this leave the organization for next year?

There is no danger of Ganassi losing the Target sponsorship for the #41 car. That sponsorship is sold as a package deal with Chip's Indy Cars (one of the smarter things Chip has done), but with the loss of Texaco, Juan Pablo's car is no longer fully sponsored. Also, even though Franchitti lost his Cup ride at Ganassi, he is still under contract with that organization.

Will we see Franchitti in the #41 and new sponsors for JPM and the #42?  Will Juan Pablo move to the #41 and Ganassi become a one car team, or will JPM desert this sinking ship as well?

I guess we'll know soon enough.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO TONY'S HAIR

BNN UNCOVERS AFTERMATH OF OPERATION "WAX SMOKE"

Charlotte- Five months ago, an undiclosed neighborhood in Charlotte was rocked by the sounds of two-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Tony Stewart screaming in agony as his back was waxed for charity. That prompted a number of letters to BNN Headquarters asking "what happened to all the hair they pulled off Tony's back?"

After a thorough investigation, BNN can now reveal that a major portion of Smoke's excess hair went to Chad Knaus, the crew chief for two-time and reigning Sprint Cup champion Jimmie Johnson.  

    Knaus(r) in November, 2007                                Knaus today

When asked for a comment, Johnson told BNN "Hey, I paid $10,000 for some of that hair! I wanted to make sure it got put to good use."  Knaus could not be reached for comment.

Katie was flipping through TV Guide and thought this was interesting.

Program Listings for 8/5/08 (all start times EDT)

10:00a.m.  Martha Stewart Live-  Can't bear to part with that dilapidated banner for your favorite team?  Today, Martha shows you how to craft a quick and easy decorative throw using worn "Dale Trail" banners.

Read the article here.

NASCAR ORDERS SWEEPING CHANGES FOLLOWING ALLSTATE 400 TRAVESTY

CAR, TIRES TO UNDERGO MASSIVE OVERHAUL

Charlotte-  Following Sunday's dismal race at Indianapolis, NASCAR Director of Competition Robin Pemberton announced today that NASCAR will be making major changes to the Sprint Cup series.

"To say that this was an embarrassment to NASCAR is an understatement," Pemberton told reporters. "We want to make absolutely sure that nothing like this ever happens again."

In the first of two measures to prevent a repeat of the Brickyard events, NASCAR terminated its contract with Goodyear Tire & Rubber, who until now, held the exclusive rights as NASCAR's tire supplier.

In the second measure, Pemberton announced that NASCAR will be scrapping the controversial COT effective immediately. In unveiling the new car, which will make its debut this weekend at Pocono, Pemberton said that NASCAR wanted to return to a simpler, more basic car.

In a prepared statement, NASCAR chairman Brian France said "This car should meet with approval from NASCAR fans. It puts the outcome of the race back in the hands of the drivers."

Or maybe in this case, feet.

Since NASCAR had the weekend off, there was no relavant news for Katie to sniff out; however, she did find this item that might be of interest to IRL fans.

DUNO/DANICA NOT OVER YET

BATTLE BETWEEN IRL DRIVERS ESCALATES

Lexington, OH- Following their much publicized "cat fight" during  practice for the Honda Indy 200, Beagle News Network has learned that the tiff between IRL drivers Danica Patrick and Milka Duno has escalated.

BNN sources confirm that Duno has put out a contract on Danica and has hired a notoriously ruthless Latin American hit squad to carry out the deed. BNN was able to obtain this exclusive photo of the hit squad.

STEWART SET TO NAME CREW CHIEF

"ONLY LOGICAL CHOICE" SAYS SMOKE

Chicago- During his press conference earlier this afternoon, NASCAR's newest owner, Tony Stewart, gave no indication who would be on top of the pit box next year when he makes his debut in his Stewart Haas Racing Impala. That's not surprising. Replacing Greg Zipadelli, the man who's been on the pit box for Stewart since the beginning of his NASCAR career, won't be an easy task.

That being said, one can imagine the shock that ran through the media this afternoon following practice for the Nationwide series when Stewart announced that he had, indeed, selected his new crew chief.

"I'm not going to lie to you. This hasn't been easy. Zippy can do things with a race car that most people wouldn't even think about doing. I've looked at some of his setups and thought to myself 'That'll never work', but somehow it does.  Guys with that kind of talent are one in a million, so we feel very fortunate that we were able to find someone with that same think outside the box mentality that Zippy has. And, when you think about it, this was the only logical person who could fill Zippy's shoes."

So who will be on the box for Stewart when NASCAR returns to Daytona in February????

Katie's been pouring through the nation's newspapers again. She found this late breaking story a few hours ago.

FOX ANNOUNCERS HEAD TO COURT

BROADCAST TEAM SEEKS IMMEDIATE INJUNCTION AGAINST DRIVER

Daytona- In an emergency hearing today in Federal Court, NASCAR on FOX announcers Chris Myers, Jeff Hammond, and Darrell Waltrip asked a magistrate to order the immediate return of a rocking chair presented to NASCAR driver Mark Martin as a retirement gift in 2005.

Speaking to reporters at Daytona International Speedway, the FOX trio said that it was time for Martin to return the chair since it is clear that he has no intention of using it.  Earlier in the day, Martin announced that he had signed a two year contract to drive full time for Hendrick Motorsports beginning in 2009. Martin will take over the #5 ride being vacated by Casey Mears.

"I can understand putting off his retirement for one year as a favor to Jack Roush," Hammond told reporters, "but this is getting a bit ridiculous."

Former Cup champion and current FOX anaylist Darrell Waltrip was a little less diplomatic in his comments: "I think we should just super glue his rear end to the danged thing.  Let's see him drive a race car while he's stuck to a rocking chair."

In other news, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

SUPREME COURT SIDES WITH FANS IN NASCAR CASE 

RULING COULD HAVE MAJOR IMPLICATIONS ON OTHER PROFESSIONAL SPORTS

Washington, D.C.- In a stunning 9-0 decision, the Supreme Court ruled today that control of NASCAR- the governing body which oversees stock car racing- be handed over to the fans.

The Court, citing NASCAR's own rule book, found that in recent years, NASCAR was flagrantly guilty of violating section 12-4-A, actions detrimental to stock car racing.  The Court scolded Brian France for straying from the organization's historic roots and said the only reasonable thing to do in this case was to give control of the sport to the fans.

Attorney for the fans, photogr, told reporters after the decision was announced that a fan victory was never in doubt.  "Look at the mountain of evidence we were able to present- the CoT, restrictor plates, and the 'lucky dog' rule just to name a few."

    NASCAR fans attorney and presidential candidate, photogr

Brian France, now the former chairman of NASCAR, had no comment except to say that "This case would have never seen the light of day were it not for photogr's running for president."  Victory in this high profile case is seen by Washington insiders as a major boost to photogr's campaign.

When asked if any immediate changes would be made, photogr said, "Yeah.  As soon as we get to Daytona Beach, we're putting the rule book through the shredder."

Sports writers throughout the country fear that this ruling could have fans taking control of other professional sports.  As one columnist put it, "If the fans take over, it'll be a whole new ball game."

NASCAR DECISION MAKING PROCESS REVEALED

BNN GIVEN UNPRECEDENTED ACCESS TO NASCAR HEADQUARTERS

Daytona Beach- The CoT.  We want drivers to show some passion. Shut up and drive the car.  Penalties given to one team for infactions on and off the track.  No penalties given to another team for committing the same infractions.  It's enough to keep Sprint Cup teams and drivers thoroughly confused and fans asking "what the **** is NASCAR thinking?" 

So exactly what goes into the NASCAR decision making process?  Beagle News Network was given unprecedented access to the inner workings of NASCAR including how NASCAR decides everything from what penalties will be handed down to which tracks will be awarded race dates for the upcoming season and everything in between.

NASCAR corporate meetings are not much different from any other corporation in America.  On the appointed day at the appointed time, NASCAR's various division heads and competition directors meet at NASCAR headquarters to discuss the issues facing the sanctioning body and the sport of stock car racing.  That's where the similarities end.

Once everyone is assembled and the conference room doors are closed, Brian France goes to a special cabinet , unlocks the door, and pulls out a small box.  The box is placed on the conference table and opened, revealing the oracle that will make all of NASCAR's decisions. 

                                            the NASCAR oracle

One by one, those assembled pose their questions, and the oracle gives its answers.  When all questions have been answered (or tabled for a later meeting), the oracle is placed back in its box and returned to its cabinet.  During race weekends, the oracle is kept locked in a safe inside the NASCAR hauler ready to make those all important decisions like was a driver speeding on pit road or is it time to throw a caution for debris.

Katie just couldn't sit on this story any longer.

GGW RACING TO ANNOUNCE MAJOR ACQUISITION

IDENTITY OF THE "MYSTERIOUS FRANK" UNCOVERED

BNN- Following the successful opening of the GGW "Show Your Moon" racing tour, questions have arisen over the identity of the racer known only as "Frank".  Beagle News Network can confirm that the mysterious Frank is none other than two time Sprint Cup champion Tony Stewart.

Sources close to Stewart and GGW Racing tell BNN that a press conference will be held within the coming weeks to announce that Stewart will be leaving Joe Gibbs Racing and joining GGW Racing beginning with the 2009 season. No contract deals were given; however, it is widely speculated that Stewart has been promised an unlimited supply of bananas and a guarantee that he will never have to wax his back again.

A representative for Tony Stewart, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Smoke is looking forward to joining one of the most unique teams on the circuit and feels that GGW is a perfect fit for him.

Officials at Joe Gibbs Racing and GGW had no comment.

GO FAST PUBLISHING ANNOUNCES NEW NASCAR TITLE

AUTHOR'S FIRST WORK TO OFFER WISDOM FOR NASCAR FANS AND INSIDERS ALIKE

New York- Go Fast Publishing Inc., announces the publication of Racing Wisdom You Can Learn From a Beagle, the highly anticipated first work from Katie Scarlett O'Beagle.  Ms. O'Beagle, known as SpeedBeagle20 to her fans, is considered to be one of NASCAR's foremost-albeit unknown- canine racing analysts.

The book will pass along wisdom and observations on NASCAR racing from a canine point of view.  Chapters include:

Be Careful Whose Rear End You Stick Your Nose In 'Cause They May Turn Around and Bite You (isn't that right Brad Keselowski?)

Never Pick a Fight With a Smaller Dog- He May Have Big Friends (named Earnhardt)

Lead, Follow, or Go Back to the Garage

Rodents Have No Place In Racing,

and

When Summoned to the NASCAR Hauler, Give Them the Beagle Eyes (Guaranteed to Get You What You Want)

The author demonstrating "Beagle Eyes"

The book is set for publication later this summer.

Once again, Katie has uncovered NASCAR news buried in the Charlotte police blotter--

CHARLOTTE POLICE ANNOUNCE RESULTS OF NOISE COMPLAINT INVESTIGATION

LARGE VOLUME OF COMPLAINTS PROMPTED INQUIRY

Charlotte- Charlotte police announced the results of their investigation into complaints from Charlotte residents concerning an unusual noise.

According to the complaints, the unidentified sound is heard every day of the week, but it is most noticeable on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays.

Charlotte police placed recording devices at various locations throughout Charlotte, and sound engineering professors from the University of North Carolina-Charlotte as well as Charlotte area media outlets, analyzed the tapes . 

In a press conference from police headquarters, a CPD spokesman made the following statement:

"After a thorough investigation into the strange sound and careful analysis of audio tapes, we can state with 100% certainty that the sound being heard throughout the Charlotte area is the sound of Kyle Busch laughing all the way to the bank."

Police officials expect that the sound will continue to be heard for quite sometime.

Katie found a copy of this month's FOX affiliates corporate newsletter.

BASEBALL RAIN DELAY CONTINGENCY PLAN FOR GAMES BROADCAST 5/3/2008

GAMES MAY AFFECT NASCAR COVERAGE

New York- FOX Sports is scheduled to air Major League Baseball  games immediately prior to the NASCAR Sprint Cup race at Richmond this Saturday (5-03).  Because of viewer backlash concerning the decisions made due to a rain delay during the Yankees-Red Sox game the last time MLB and NASCAR were back to back, we will be instituting the following  contingencies should rain delays cause overlaps in coverage.

For viewers watching the Orioles vs. Angels, FOX will broadcast the game when a left handed batter is at the plate.  FOX will broadcast the NASCAR race when a right handed batter is at the plate.

For viewers watching the Cubs vs. Cardinals, FOX will broadcast the game until Juan Pablo Montoya hits something.

Viewers watching the Mets vs. Diamondbacks will see a special live episode of Cops shot on location as the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office arrests the FOX Sports executives for violation of NASCAR rule 12-4-A (actions detrimental to stock car racing).

Katie hopes those FOX execs look good in pink ;o).

Katie sniffed this out of the sports section.

NASCAR AND MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL ANNOUNCE PARTNERSHIP

MERGER SEEN AS UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY FOR BOTH SPORTS

BOSTON- NASCAR chairman Brian France and Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced that the two sports organizations have signed a partnership agreement that both men hope will lead to the eventual merger of the two groups.  France and Selig made the announcement in a joint press conference held at Fenway Park.

When asked about the partnership, Selig told reporters “it just seemed the right thing to do.  Team owners are becoming more involved with NASCAR, and it just makes sense for the two organizations to work together.”

France said that specific details of how the two organizations would work together have yet to be worked out.  “Like any merger between large organizations, the devil is in the details.  Obviously, based on the reaction to what happened Saturday night, we’ve got a lot of work to do.”  France was referring to fan reaction following FOX network’s decision to delay the start of the NASCAR race at Phoenix International Raceway in order to show the final outs of the Yankees- Red Sox game.

Drivers and players were unavailable for comment.

Katie can see it now:

Opening day, the President will throw the first beer can at Jeff Gordon.

NASCAR throws a caution for debris on the baseline between 1st and 2nd base.

Jack Roush blames Toyota for his ejection from the race when he complains to the umpire that Carl Edwards was safe.

Outfielders will be required to install restrictor plates on their gloves for all games at Wrigley Field and Yankee Stadium. 

A-Rod is black flagged when his shoe loses a cleat sliding into 3rd.

Dozens of "stolen" bases are discovered in the storeroom at Michael Waltrip Racing. 

Confused baseball fans- thinking it’s the 7th inning stretch- begin singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” every time Junior Nation stands.