How bad are things in Pittsburgh?  The annual chants of “there’s always next year” have been replaced with something even more discouraging.

2009 will be the year for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

But before we examine that conundrum, let’s look at the current state of a once proud franchise.

For the second straight year, the Bucs are in a race to avoid the cellar (unsuccessful so far)…instead of battling for a pennant.  In 2006, Pittsburgh needed a late-season surge in order to finish 1 game ahead of the Chicago Cubs in the standings.  The Cubs spent some money in the off-season and appear poised for a worst-to-first division title and playoff berth.

The Pirates are in the same place they were last year.  If not worse.

They did manage a few more wins than last season, but they still aren’t any closer to building a winner.  In fact, they are on the verge of breaking a record of consecutive losing seasons.  Yes, indeed…it has been 15 years.

I suppose it isn’t all bad news in Pittsburgh.  By the numbers, this is an improved team.  And there some glimmer of hope for the future.  But still a lot of questions.

For starters, the Pirates are putting more runs on the board.  They are currently in the middle of the pack in the NL in runs scored.  By most accounts, franchise outfielder Jason Bay has had a sub-par season.  But a few other unlikely teammates have picked up the slack.  Jose Bautista, Nate McClouth…hell, even Jack Wilson is getting into the swing of things.

But when it comes to pitching, the stats are ugly.  A team 4.91 ERA (as of September 25) puts them only ahead of 2 NL teams (Marlins, Reds).  Not good results for a franchise that spent first round draft picks on starting pitchers in each of the past 7 years.

Only 2 starters this year have earned a permanent spot in the rotation.  Ian Snell (3.76 ERA), Tom Gorzelanny (3.73 ERA), and Paul Maholm (5.02 ERA) are the only members of the staff to approach the 200 inning benchmark.

Unless they make some moves, there isn’t likely to be much pitching help on the way either.  A questionable mid-season trade allowed them to acquire an overpriced Matt Morris, who has been terrible since suiting up for the Bucs.  The small group of prospects – Bryan Bullington, John Van Benschoten, Sean Burnett – have been shaky and injury-prone in the minors.  Van Benschoten is the only potential starter with significant time on the senior circuit this year, and his 9.73 ERA in 10 starts doesn’t exactly instill confidence for his future.

Bad Decisions

In the last 15 years of losing, the Pirates have a horrendous history with personnel choices…especially when it comes to pitching.  Most recently, Oliver Perez was traded to the Mets in 2006 after struggling mightily with his control, mechanics, and velocity.  Apparently, the Pirates weren’t patient enough with the talented lefty…because he ended up starting a Game 7 for New York in ‘06, and isn’t too far away from Cy Young contention this year.  I’m guessing they would like to take a mulligan on that one.

On the Rise

Back to the hopes for 2009.  There is a reason that management and fans are looking beyond next year.

Andrew McCutchen – This outfielder of the future has all the makings of a franchise player.  This 20 year old is a 5-tool player with unlimited potential.  A sluggish start in AA-Altoona may delay his arrival a bit, but fans can’t wait to see him in Pittsburgh.  McCutchen was more than impressive this past spring, and could be called up as soon as next year.

Brian Bixler – If the Pirates unload Jack Wilson this off-season, it will be because of the emergence of Bixler.  This shortstop earned team MVP honors in AAA-Indianapolis this year, and could be ready for the MLB sooner rather than later.  His stats in Indy were solid - .274 BA, 5 HR, 23 doubles, 10 triples, and 28 stolen bases in 129 games.  His speed would be a huge plus for a team that has historically struggled to manufacture runs.

Nyjer Morgan – Here is another outfielder that could be an option in Pittsburgh.  Morgan isn’t as young as the other prospects (turned 27 in July), but his .300 plus average (in the minors) and speed would give management something to think about…especially with no true leadoff hitter in the system.

Steve Pearce – This natural first baseman has been tearing it up at every level, boasting a .333 BA this year in the minors.  His offensive potential even earned him a late-season call-up to Pittsburgh, a sign that he could be part of the picture in 2008.  Pearce has also spent some time in the outfield, so Jim Tracy should have some options to get his bat in the everyday lineup.

Neil Walker – This converted catcher was moved to 3rd base because of his offensive potential, and also the lack of depth within the organization.  Walker, a switch-hitter, spent most of the year in AA-Altoona…where he hit 13 HR to go along with a .288 BA.  He may stay in the minors one more year to refine his defensive skills and plate discipline, but if he progresses quickly…he could be in a Pirates uniform before you know it.

A Lot of This, Not Much of That

More than enough offensive depth, but not nearly enough pitching.  Here’s a look at each position:

Outfielders – A lot of options here to compliment Jason Bay.  The Chris Duffy experiment is all but over, but there is still plenty to choose from.  Xavier Nady, Steve Pearce, Ryan Doumit, Andrew McCutchen, Nyjer Morgan, Nate McClouth…all of whom could provide some serious offense.

3B – For right now, Jose Bautista is holding down the fort…and is doing better than most expected.  Neil Walker will likely be the 3rd baseman of the future, but Bautista may have earned the starting spot for another year with some decent numbers.  Freddy Sanchez can also handle the defensive duties at the hot corner, but Jim Tracy is trying his best to keep him at 2nd on a permanent basis.

SS – Jack Wilson could be gone next season, if for no other reason than his salary.  His offensive production is inconsistent at best, but he has finished 2007 as one of the hottest hitters on the team.  His defense is above average, but Brian Bixler will likely be the shortstop of the future.

2B – Freddy Sanchez should have this position locked up for quite a while.  With an average well above .300, he will be needed somewhere near the top of the lineup.

1B – For now, Adam LaRoche is the starter.  If Tracy decides to go with Steve Pearce or Ryan Doumit here, they will probably need to deal LaRoche first.  Xavier Nady could also be an option at 1st, but that seems unlikely at this point.

C – Ronny Paulino has been a durable and reliable player over the last two years, and has produced well enough to hold down the job on a full-time basis.  Paulino’s defense has improved, and his bat offers some power (11 HR).  Ryan Doumit serves as the back-up catcher, but his defensive skills aren’t nearly as sharp.  Either way the Pirates go, the back-stopper will provide a little bit of offense.

There’s Always Next Next Year

There is a new GM in town, and management has committed to spending some money “if it puts us over the top”.  Hopefully, they mean over the top of the bottom.  Otherwise, fans may be treated to another losing, albeit record-breaking, season in Pittsburgh.

The final days of spring…

Spring training is officially over, and the regular season is upon us.  An improved Pittsburgh Pirates squad will begin their 2007 journey tomorrow at Houston, hoping to turn things around after a disastrous year.

It probably isn’t what the fans want to hear, but this season figures to be more of the same for the Pirates…rebuilding.  Spring training meant mixed results for the troubled franchise, and several questions have yet to be answered.

Scary Stuff

Though statistics don’t have much merit in March, a closer look at the at spring numbers can provide a glimpse of the upcoming season.  For some of the Pirates, it may be time to hit the panic button.

Chris Duffy, CF & projected leadoff hitter - If anyone needed to have a strong showing this spring, it was Duffy.  The speedy outfielder was impressive in his rookie season, carrying a .341 batting average in 39 games.  His quick start earned him an everyday spot in the lineup as the leadoff hitter.  But things got ugly in 2006, as Duffy struggled mightily.  At one point, he was demoted to the minors…and it appeared that he might not make it back.

Duffy played fairly well in the second half of last season, but has been awful this spring.  His batting average has dipped below .200, and the Pirates desperately need a consistent table-setter at the top of the lineup.  With last year’s batting champ Freddy Sanchez starting the season on the disabled list, Pittsburgh will need Duffy to produce early.  If he doesn’t get off to a quick start, expect manager Jim Tracy to look for other options in centerfield.

Jose Bautista, 3B - After infielder Jose Castillo landed in Jim Tracy’s doghouse, Freddy Sanchez was moved to 2nd base to allow Bautista to become the starting 3rd baseman.  But of all the projected starters, Jose Bautista struggled the most this spring.  With a .182 batting average and no home runs, it appears that his everyday role is still up in the air.  For the time being, Jose Castillo will be starting for the injured Freddy Sanchez at 2nd…and unless Bautista turns it around in a hurry, he may be headed for the bench again.

Think Positive

It isn’t all bad news in Pirates camp.  Other than Freddy Sanchez (DL), most of the starting position players are ready to go.

Adam LaRoche, 1B - There are high hopes for the newly-acquired slugger, and so far…so good.  He hit just below .300 for the month of March, and also added half a dozen extra-base hits in 54 at-bats.  To say that the Pirates need his left-handed bat is more than an understatement.

Jack Wilson, SS - After slimming down a bit to focus on speed and defensive range, Wilson appears much more comfortable at the plate.  Don’t expect much in the power department, but by hitting .321 this spring…he looks more like the player that collected 200 hits in 2004.

Ronny Paulino, C - Following a stellar rookie campaign, Paulino has been the hottest hitter in camp.  He has shown flashes of power by belting 4 home runs, and is hitting an unbelievable .481 this spring.

All Dressed Up, and No Place To Go

The Spring Surprise has to be hefty slugger Brad Eldred.  The 275 pound 1st baseman was the odd man out after the Pirates landed Adam LaRoche, but Eldred has been too good to leave off the roster.  With 6 home runs and a .303 batting average, his potential may have Jim Tracy rethinking the lineup.  They have already experimented with Eldred in right field, and he could earn some serious playing time if either Duffy or Nady begin to falter.

Pitch Hunt

If the Pirates have any chance of staying out of the NL Central cellar, the pitching staff must exceed expectations.  The inexperienced staff still has a lot to prove, and things aren’t looking too promising.

Zach Duke, SP - The opening day starter hasn’t been the same since Jim Tracy decided to tinker with his delivery prior to the 2006 season.  The pinpoint accuracy he displayed during his rookie season is nowhere to be found, and he has been rocked harder than Paris Hilton on a routine Friday night.  The good news is that he is still young, and has time to develop.  Only time will tell if Duke can emerge as the staff ace he once appeared to be.

Tom Gorzellany, SP - Here is another young lefty with solid potential.  Gorzellany had perhaps the oddest spring stat-line, averaging close to one strikeout per inning…and a 7.96 ERA.

Ian Snell, SP - If there is such a thing as a “back-up ace”, then Snell is it.  He is one of the few Pittsburgh pitchers that looked sharp this spring, with solid strikeout totals and a 3.00 ERA.

The Bullpen - One of the reasons that the Pirates were willing to pull the trigger on the Mike Gonzalez trade was the depth of their bullpen.  However, if spring is any indication…there could be some serious late-inning trouble all year long.  Salomon Torres was penciled in to take over the closer duties, but a terrible spring may have Tracy looking elsewhere.

Bringing It All Together

Though there were some good signs, it figures to be another long year of rebuilding in Pittsburgh.  Offensively, the combination of Bay, LaRoche, and Sanchez should add a few more wins…but that won’t happen unless the pitching staff comes together.  The best the team can hope for is to hold on to their building blocks…and wait another year or two.

With all of the “rebuilding” talk in Pittsburgh over the past 2 decades, you would think the Pirates were erecting the Tower of Babel.

Unfortunately, 14 years of rebuilding has left the Pirates with the MLB equivalent of a flimsy tiki hut.  The troubled franchise hasn’t seen a winning season since 1992.  Coincidentally, that was the last year that Barry Bonds wore a Pirates uniform.

And it was all downhill from there.

In the years that followed, everything went wrong in Pittsburgh.  Prospects fizzled out.  The few star players they had were traded for next-to-nothing.  A few bad decisions and a bad case of “Small Market Syndrome” left the once proud franchise in a terrible mess.

Bad luck has also played a major role in the franchise’s struggles, especially when it comes to the pitching staff.  According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, “In the past decade, five of the six pitchers they drafted in the first round…have needed major arm surgeries.”  Add one more pitcher to that list, as first round pick Brad Lincoln will miss the start of the season due to elbow surgery.

Estranged fans may be sick of hearing it, but this team is going to need a few years and lot of luck to become a winner.

2007 Pirates

They probably won't figure into the playoff race, but at least the Pirates will be an improved squad this year.  It may not be the kind of improvement fans would have hoped for, but it’s a start.

First off, the Pirates finally pulled the trigger on a deal that makes sense by trading for Adam LaRoche.  There hasn’t been an impact left-handed bat in Pittsburgh since Brian Giles left town, and LaRoche should provide a boost to an offense that ranked 29th in home runs last year.

And 2007 may be the first year that Pittsburgh hasn’t wasted money on washed-out free agents.  Instead of hiring stop-gaps such as Reggie Sanders or Jeromy Burnitz, the Pirates are using youngsters to take another step in the rebuilding process.

Position Battles

Another good sign is that there are fewer up-for-grab positions than in recent years.

3rd base - Manager Jim Tracy is using Spring Training as an opportunity to shake things up a bit.  For the moment, Freddy Sanchez has been moved to 2nd base in order to give Jose Bautista an audition at the hot corner.  Bautista is a 26 year-old outfielder with very little experience at the major league level.  However, he did display flashes of power last year by hitting 16 HR’s in 400 at-bats.

Jose Castillo may be the odd man out after a disappointing season in 2006.  More importantly, his poor fielding and plate discipline has apparently put him in Jim Tracy’s doghouse.  Even though he reportedly arrived at camp in good shape (20 lbs lighter), he may need an impressive spring to earn an everyday spot in the lineup.

Outfield - The outfield is pretty much set, barring some serious surprises this spring.  Jason Bay anchors the group in left field, and Chris Duffy is penciled in to play center and bat leadoff.  Xavier Nady has battled some health issues, but should get most of the playing time in right field.

Luis Matos is off to a quick start this spring, and hopes to earn a back-up spot on the Pirates’ roster.

Catcher - Ronny Paulino was one of the few bright-spots for Pittsburgh last year, impressing with the bat and behind the plate.  Switch-hitting Ryan Doumit split time between 1st base and catcher last season, but didn’t perform very well at the plate.  He should continue to develop as a hitter, but unless he does something spectacular this spring…he will probably see a lot of bench this season.

Throwing It All Away

The pitching staff is almost complete, with Tony Armas, Jr. and Shawn Chacon battling to become the 5th starter.  The rest of the rotation is filled with inexperienced hurlers, led by Zach Duke and Ian Snell - both of whom struggled quite a bit last year.

The bullpen has some depth with guys like Damaso Marte and Salomon Torres.  The bad news is that they could be overworked this year playing behind a less-than-stellar starting rotation.

The Not-So-Distant Future

Andrew McCutchen is easily the best prospect in the Pirates’ farm system, as a five-tool outfielder that has it all.  McCutchen has already developed quicker than expected, displaying excellent plate discipline rarely seen from a 20 year-old.  He is supposed to start the season playing for Altoona (AA), but will likely be promoted to class AAA Indianapolis by mid-season.  If he continues to learn at an astounding pace, he could be a serious impact player in 2008.

275 pound Brad Eldred has the kind of power you would expect from a big first baseman, and is already displaying it this spring…by hitting 3 homeruns in just 3 games.  Eldred has nothing left to prove at the minor league level, but with the addition of LaRoche…he won’t be able to play everyday for the Pirates.  If he continues to impress, Jim Tracy may decide to try him out in right field.

The biggest problem for the Pirates is their underwhelming stockpile of potential starting pitchers.  As mentioned earlier, most of the 1st round prospects have already had major arm surgeries…with the exception of Paul Maholm, who is projected as a major league starter.  If the Pirates are going to turn things around in the next couple of years, they will need a couple of these prospects to emerge as top-tier starters.  John Van Benschoten and Bryan Bullington are two pitchers that could make it happen, but they still have a lot to prove.  Expect them both to start out in AAA, but may be promoted if some of the other starters begin to falter.

Another concern high on the priority list is the lack of depth at 3rd base within the organization.  To address this need, the Pirates have converted switch-hitting catcher Neil Walker to 3rd base.  Walker is an athletic player capable of making the transition, but needs a lot more time in the minors to improve his hitting.  If the transition works, having a switch-hitter in the lineup could be a boost to the Pirates’ offense in a couple of years.

A Painful Process

Fortunately, there is a cure for Small Market Syndrome.  However, it will take a few years…because the Pirates have a bad case of it.  New principal owner Bob Nutting seems determined to build a winner, and the Pirates could be on the road to recovery.  But for now…fans can do nothing more than wait, and hope…

With the stage set for the post-season, let’s take a look at another MLB race going down to the wire:

Pittsburgh Pirates VS. Chicago Cubs - Cellar Dweller Battle Royale

 

Even the loser in this battle won’t be totally empty-handed.  Following the final game, you may even hear a chant of “there’s someone worse than us…there’s someone worse than us.”  Actually, there will be 2 "someone’s".  The Kansas City Royals, and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays - both barely reaching 60 wins.

 

But that means little to these 2 National League teams.  Historically, the Pirates have served as a make-shift farm league team for the underachieving Cubs.  Acquiring players like Aramis Ramirez at a bargain price creates an intense rivalry.  One might even say - a battle for mediocrity…at its finest.

 

The mood was tense in Pittsburgh as the Bucs prepared for their weekend series against the Reds.  Manager Jim “I love Cagney & Lacy” Tracy called the situation bleak…and more uncomfortable than running naked backwards through a cornfield.  “When the season began, our only real goal was to finish ahead of the Cubs.  The pressure on this team to finish strong is incredible.  And we’re not used to pressure.  Jeromy Burnitz even gets the anxiety pukes when he plays a close game on his Xbox”, states a visibly shaken Tracy.

 

Pirate infielder Freddy “Dirty” Sanchez enjoyed a spectacular breakout season.  His .345 batting average was easily the best on the squad.  However, the lackluster year for his team has left him confused about his future in baseball.  He discusses the possibility of retirement candidly in a pre-game interview, “This December, I’ll be 29 years old.  I have a lot to consider.  I’m too old to put up with this ####.  Being in this locker room every day takes a toll on you.  I mean, even Paris Hilton is surrounded by a better collection of pro athletes on a daily basis.”

 

Clubhouse morale was destroyed following the trade deadline.  The Pirates unloaded several players, and acquired virtually nothing of value in return.  Shawn Chacon was picked up from the Yankees in a deal for Craig Wilson.  This move left the Bucs with one less power bat, and one more pitcher with a gargantuan ERA.  Franchise outfielder Jason “please God, send me to the” Bay was bewildered by the club’s fire sale, “When I heard the news, I couldn’t believe it.  Not only was Craig Wilson a talented player, but he also made a delightful shrimp gumbo.  Nothing helped soothe the pain of a loss like dinner and a night of passionate love-making at Craig’s place.  Uh, I mean with hookers…yeah, lots and lots of hookers.  I wasn’t saying that Craig is ####.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

 

The only hope left glimmering for this miserable baseball team is staying out of the NL Central cellar.  Fans impatiently await the final results.  Will it be another season up in smoke?  Or will a small moment of victory allow the Bucs to end on a positive note?

 

---

Based on the pre-season predictions of an anonymous “comedic genius”, here is some much deserved praise for a Cubs star in the making :  

 

“I'll bet you one degrading blog post that Chris Duffy finishes the year with a higher average than Matt Murton. If you win, I will write a blog praising Murton...If I win, you praise Duffy.”

- ShooterB (March 9, 2006)  

 

MATT MURTON WATCH (as of September 30)

.298 Batting Average  

13 Home Runs  

62 RBI

5 Stolen Bases  

* Also boasts a multitude of shiny red hairs  

 

CHRIS DUFFY WATCH (as of September 30)

.255 Batting Average  

2 Home Runs  

18 RBI  

26 Stolen Bases  

 

All hail to the great Matt Murton!

 

 

(note to self:  Never make a bet with a “genius”.)

I’ve got no choice…it’s been too long since my last post.  It’s time to tackle it all with a random #### rant.  Here we go:

Pittsburgh Pirates - Deadline Business As Usual

In their first trade deadline maneuver, the Pirates unloaded Sean Casey to the Tigers for minor league pitcher Brian Rogers.  Trading Casey was inevitable as the Bucs simply couldn’t justify his salary ($8.5 million).  But I think they might have been better off just trading Casey for a case of Lena Blackburne rubbing mud.  At least it would have given them something that could be useful in an actual MLB game.

Kip Wells was sent to the Texas Rangers in exchange for another minor league pitcher, Jesse Chavez.  Not exactly sure why the Rangers wanted Wells.  It’s possible that they didn’t realize who he was, and just saw his one good start recently against the Giants.  But that’s fine…more salary to be wasted on an underachieving free agent next year.

Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez were shipped off to the Mets for outfielder Xavier Nady.  Not a bad trade for the Bucs, I suppose.  Perez had more control problems than Charlie Sheen at a prostitute convention, and Hernandez is literally older than dirt.

Nady will fill the void created by the depature of Craig Wilson.  Wilson was traded to the Yankees for pitcher Shawn Chacon.  I guess Pirate management thought they could use another pitcher with a 7.00 ERA.

And all this trade action comes immediately after a winning streak.  Not that it matters, the Pirates have been in the cellar longer than a prize Cabernet.

Some Football Stuff

I can’t wait to see how Terrell Owens fares with Drew Bledsoe in Dallas.  Sure, it’s a risk for the Cowboys.  Early training camp reports confirm that the Owens/Bledsoe duo could be the most dynamic we’ve seen since Tango & Cash.  Take that however you want.

The Philadelphia Eagles are hoping that running back Correll Buckhalter can make a comeback from his knee injury in 2005.  He has missed 3 of the last 4 seasons with various knee injuries, but appears healthy enough to make this year’s roster.  What you didn’t know is that during Buckhalter’s most recent surgery, doctors inserted a hamstring from a cadaver to reinforce the tendon in his knee.  That’s right, from a cadaver.  If this proves to be successful, expect a boom in the human body parts salvage industry.

The Rest

The World Series of Poker is underway, which is the largest main event ever.  Among the participants are several celebrities including:  actor Tobey Maguire, boxer Antonio Tarver, funny man Norm MacDonald, actress (and every man’s dream) Shannon Elizabeth, actress and accomplished poker player Jennifer Tilly.  Even former heavyweight boxer Lennox Lewis entered the tournament.  My money is on Spiderman.

The countdown to Michelle Wie’s 18^th birthday continues.  Mainly, this is so that sports writers across the country can let the inappropriate jokes fly with no remorse.  But also, somewhere, there is a teenage boy that idolizes Kevin Federline and plans to use Wie as his ticket out of the trailer park.  Best of luck to that young man.

If that Federline trainee fails in his quest for Michelle Wie, there is also Britney Spears’ younger sister - 15 year old Jamie Lynn Spears.

Birthday Blues

For my birthday this past weekend, I was given an unusual gift - a birthday cake featuring a picture of Gwen Stefani.  And this will be the only time I can truthfully say that I took Gwen home with me.  What a birthday!

Fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates have come to expect losing, but they didn’t expect this.  The team’s only real goal for the year was to have a winning season, or at least finish near .500 in the win column.  Instead, they currently have a winning percentage of .338 and are fresh off a 13-game losing streak.  Pardon me if I don’t do cartwheels after yesterday’s victory over the White Sox.  All the win really means is that they can start a new losing streak.  Woopity Doo!

Jim Leyland looks like a genius for turning down another tour of duty as manager of the Bucs, and taking a job with Detroit instead.  Meanwhile, Pirate manager Jim Tracy seems to have a situation comparable to a Hollywood marriage.  It looked good on paper, made a few headlines…but inevitably will end with a painful divorce.

The Pirates don’t have a clue.  The sad thing is that this team actually spent some money to be this bad.  Even the fire-sale Florida Marlins are in much better shape than the Bucs.

But rather that talk about rebuilding, or illustrating just how bad this team is…I’m going a different route.  Some of the Pirate players are so bewildered that they don’t even realize where they are.  If you’ve seen them play at all this year…you would believe it.

So with that, I’m going to offer them a little help.

You might be a Pirate if:

-  An 83 MPH fastball qualifies you as “the hardest thrower on the pitching staff”.

-  Jose Canseco doesn’t want to play on your team because he is “considering other offers”.

-  You look up in the standings, and see the Chicago Cubs ahead of you.

-  Matt Murton could be the best player on your team.

-  You strikeout more than Steve Buscemi at the Playboy mansion.

-  You are a pitcher with an ERA of 4.83, and it’s good enough to lead the team in that category.

-  The youngster that you were counting on to be a leadoff hitter only managed a .194 batting average and was sent to the minor leagues before the first official day of summer.

-  There are two outs in the bottom of the ninth, and your team is down by a run with the bases loaded.  The manager needs a pinch hitter, and looks at you on the bench.  He then proceeds to tell the umpire, “We’ll pass…let’s just go home.”

-  When accounting questions a $450 ice expense, and you must explain that the ice was necessary to chill the champagne which would be used to celebrate the end of a losing streak.

-  You are baffled that during the end of the losing streak celebration, the champagne no longer has any fizz...and tastes flatter than an RC Cola.

-  You are more likely to get the booty while pillaging the sea with Cap’n Jack Sparrow than you are on a road trip to Los Angeles.

-  Your friends and family conveniently change the topic when you mention giving them free tickets to the game.

-  Before the season began, you were considered the ace of the staff…and future of the franchise.  But only half way through the season, you have been terrible enough to bypass the bullpen and be demoted to the minors.

-  Instead of thinking about how to compete against other MLB teams, you daydream about how awesome you played against Manatee Community College in Spring Training.

-  A Kip Wells return from injury would actually improve your team.

-  Your opponents have scored more this year than Angelina Jolie and Paris Hilton combined.

-  When a minor leaguer from your organization is called up to the majors, but responds with:  “Actually, I think I’ll stay in Altoona a little while longer.”

-  A pre-game match of paper-rock-scissors determines “who must go out there and pitch today”.

-  A series for your team against the Kansas City Royals is referred to as “an uphill battle”.

-  A promotional Nude Anna Benson bobblehead night can’t even fill half of the stadium.

-  Your team was recently put up for sale on E-bay, and the asking price is:  $2 million, or best offer.

Better luck next year…