Post-game reaction from two head coaches who are now under fire:

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Philadelphia Eagles 3, New York Giants 16

Notable game stats for Philly:  15 penalties, 12 sacks allowed, 3 measly friggin’ points, 1 ugly loss 

Here’s what Andy Reid had to say about his team’s performance:

“Well, we went in at halftime to analyze what was working for us…which took less than a minute.  The other 14 minutes we spent talking about those ugly throwback uniforms we had to wear last week, while several players helped Donovan clean the chunks of grass out of his facemask.”

After the game, Reid gave the prestigious game ball to tackle Winston Justice…who allowed more than just a few sacks on McNabb.

“Winston did everything we asked him to.  Unfortunately, the coaching staff forgot to ask him to do anything at all.  We’re thinking of possibly giving him a different assignment for the next game.”

Coach Reid also didn’t seem very concerned about the plethora of penalties his team committed.

“We ended up with 190 total yards of offense, and only 132 penalty yards.  I’m no Alfred Einstein, but I believe that still leaves us with positive yardage.  Sure, 15 penalties sounds like a lot, but…hey, are there any of those Krispy Kremes left in the media lounge?” 

So where do they go from here?  That’s anyone’s guess, but a determined coach already had his sights set on next week’s opponent – the juggernaut that is BYE WEEK.

“I feel strongly that we can improve for a win next week against BYE.  They haven’t beaten us since I’ve been coaching, and I think that historic advantage should give us the edge again this year.”

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Chicago Bears 27, Detroit Lions 37

Notable Chicago game stats:  14 penalties, 3 interceptions, a multitude of pissed-off fans

Head Coach Lovie Smith took all the blame for yet another dismal performance from his beloved Bears.

“Rex Gross…I mean Kyle Or…no, I mean Brian Griese is our quarterback.  I really mean that.  Before the game, there was just a slight miscommunication on my part.  I told Brian to go in there and just do what Rex does.  Unfortunately, he misunderstood and threw 3 interceptions.”

Coach Smith was annoyed about the implications of a lingering quarterback controversy.

“Like I said before, I think…Brian Griese is our quarterback.  By the way, does anyone know Kordell Stewart’s phone number?”

One ugly week

** Disclaimer:  I think the above statements were purely fictional, but hell...after watching these two humorous games, I'm not even sure anymore.  However, if you did take them seriously...send me an email, and I'll have someone come to your house and drop an anvil on your cranium to put you out of your misery. 

The highly anticipated return of Donovan McNabb was spoiled by a sloppy Sunday for the Philadelphia Eagles.  A series of miscues gave the reigning NFC East champs their first lost of the season.

Green Bay Packers 16, Philadelphia Flock of Eagulls 13

Things were ugly for the Eagles right from the beginning.  Their opening drive sputtered after an ill-conceived Flea Flicker resulted in a 10-yard penalty for intentional grounding.

Then after the Eagles defense forced a Green Bay punt, things got even uglier.  Newly appointed punt returner Greg Lewis failed to signal for a fair catch, even though he was swarmed by defenders.  A timely hit forced a fumble that tumbled all the way to the end zone, which was recovered by Green Bay for the first touchdown of the game.  Actually, it was the Packers’ ONLY touchdown of the game.

Following the slow start, Philadelphia responded to tie up the game before half-time.  They used a balanced offensive attack, something Philly fans aren’t accustomed to seeing.

But the effort was all for not, as things got even worse on special teams.  After a few more bonehead plays, Greg Lewis was replaced as the punt returner.  This move did not pay off, as J.R. Reed committed another fatal mistake late in the 4th quarter.  With the game tied, and only a couple of minutes left…Reed attempted to field a punt amidst a sea of Green Bay defenders.  The sad thing was…he had already called for a fair catch, and his effort could only have gained the Eagles a few meaningless yards of field position.

The play resulted in a fumble, which of course, Green Bay recovered.  Instead of a potential game-winning drive, McNabb and the offense remained on the sideline to watch the game end with a 42-yard field goal.

Don’t Panic

Even though the Eagles didn’t play well in many areas, this was a game they should have won easily.  This theme has been all too common over the past couple of seasons – they win the yardage battle, but costly mistakes keep opponents within striking distance.

All but 3 of Green Bay’s 16 points were scored off of turnovers (2 muffed punt returns, and 1 interception).  It isn’t exactly how Andy Reid wanted the season to start, but it isn’t time to hit the panic button either.

Positive Thinking

Donovan McNabb is healthy – As expected, McNabb looked a little bit rusty after minimal pre-season action.  Though he clearly isn’t at 100% physically, McNabb displayed the elusiveness that makes him an effective playmaker for Philly.  Expect him to improve as the season continues.

Finally, some balance on offense – Things changed for the better last year when Andy Reid turned over the offensive play-calling duties.  If and when the Eagles find rhythm in the passing game, the solid running attack we saw today should carry them a long way towards another division championship.

This young defensive unit may be better than we thought – OK, maybe Green Bay isn’t the ultimate test for a defense…but still, the Eagles were impressive.  They gave up some yards, but no major mistakes were made in pass coverage.  Philly also did a good job of stopping the run, something they haven’t been particularly good at in recent times.  Not too bad, considering how many personnel changes they have made on defense.  A new linebacking crew of Omar Gaither, Takeo Spikes, and Chris Gocong could be just what the doctor ordered.

The Eagles look to bounce back next week against the Washington Redskins.  If they can fix their problems on special teams (perhaps lining up without a punt returner)…they should have the edge.

Now on to the rest of Sunday’s action… 

That’s Just Gross

Perhaps it’s overkill to bash Rex Grossman, but that never stopped me before.  The Chicago Bears have a top-notch defense, a solid offensive line, an underrated receiving corps, and a talented running back.  The erratic and unpredictable Grossman fits with this above-average team about as well as a piece of broccoli on John Madden’s dinner plate.  Forget about today’s lackluster numbers (52% completion, 145 yards, 1 INT), Rex continues to make dangerous passes and bad decisions.  Can this team make the Super Bowl again if they constantly have to make up for Grossman’s poor play?   

Raider-Aid

The Raider Nation sure let me have it when I picked them to finish last in the AFC West.  I’m not usually one to say “I told you so”, but someone please tell me…does their schedule get any easier than at home against Detroit?  I’ll concede that the Raiders showed some signs of life on offense today, but they were playing against a team that won 3 games last year.

The Raiders are 0-1, and the race for the first overall draft pick continues.

Trading Places

Things are changing in Minnesota, as it took less than 1 quarter for Adrian Peterson to earn the starting running back job.  Chester Taylor was injured early, and Peterson stepped in to deliver an incredible performance.  He rushed for just over 100 yards, but his most impressive play came when he broke free for a touchdown on 60 yard pass play.  It isn’t official yet, but with a performance like that…it looks like Chester Taylor will be spending more time in the back seat than Paris Hilton.

Not the Only Game in Town

Just about the same time that Oakland fans were starting to turn on their Raiders, Roger Federer was finishing off his 4th consecutive U.S. Open title.  His 12th Grand Slam victory puts him just 2 shy of Pete Sampras’ record, which seemed unbreakable just a few years ago.

Congratulations to Federer, who continues to impress even those who dub him “The Greatest of All-Time”.  The Great One fought off Novak Djokovic, a talented youngster from Serbia who beat Federer just a short time ago in Montreal.  Despite winning in straight sets, the match was extremely close…evident by tie-breakers in each of the first two sets. 

The difference in this battle was poise and patience.  Djokovic was visibly (and audibly) frustrated after failing to finish off the world’s number one player in the 1st set.  With his back against the wall on more than one occasion, Federer responded with brilliant returns and an unstoppable service game.

Throughout the tournament, Federer didn’t the play the best tennis of his career…but he still controlled each and every match.  By now I should expect it, but Federer’s greatness never ceases to amaze me.

Sunday, Sunday…  

Everyone else seems to have the winners covered, so I decided to put a different spin on my NFL predictions.  Since I’ve become so great at picking losers (see my NFL Pick ‘Em record for last season)…that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Here is my dismal group of predicted division losers for the 2007 season, as well as some analysis on why these teams will stay in the cellar:

AFC East
Least in the East – Miami Dolphins
Last season in the AFC, only 2 teams finished with fewer points…the Raiders and the Browns.  I’m not sure why I bought into the Culpepper hype last year, but this year shouldn’t be much different for Trent Green and the sea-dwelling mammals.

Special Note:  Last year, I picked the Dolphins to beat the Patriots for the division.  They finished dead last with a 6-10 record.

AFC North
Dirty Dogs – Cleveland Browns
The Bengals’ depth chart still looks like a court docket, but I’ll go with the incumbent Browns to finish last in this division.  They were 0-6 last year against division opponents, expect more of the same from the Dawg Pound.

AFC South
Everything is Bigger in Texas, Including Losers – Houston Texans
Here is another division with 3 tough teams and 1 stink-pile.  If Matt Schaub is the savior that leads them to a division title, then I’ll dye my hair blue and donate $1000 to the Paris Hilton for President Campaign.

AFC West
Washed Out in the West – Oakland Raiders
Do I even need to explain this?  New Head Coach Lane Kiffin would have been better off trying to resurrect Britney Spears’ career.  Raiders…last.

NFC East
A Giant Failure – New York Giants
I’m tempted to pick my Eagles as the loser here, just so they will be certain to win it all.  Instead, I’m going with a newly crowned failure…the NY Giants.  I’m no Tiki Barber fan, but NFL fans will see quickly why he was the true MVP of this team.

But to their credit, I do expect that tempestuous Tom Coughlin will lead the league in tantrums and overall rage rating.  

NFC North
Not For a Millen Dollars – Detroit Lions
Another year, another talented receiver.  Not exactly sure how Calvin Johnson will help the defense improve on the 398 points they gave up last year…but maybe Matt Millen knows something we don’t. 

Should be another division title for the Bears…even though they are the only team in the NFL that would be upgraded by starting Brett Farve at quarterback.

NFC South
Clipped Wings – Atlanta Falcons
I’ll go with the Falcons here.  Not because I believe the loss of Michael Vick is crippling, but because the addition of Joey Harrington is.  News flash – picking up a QB that wasn’t good enough for the Lions or Dolphins may not be the best way to go.  Perhaps swiping Kordell Stewart off the Wal-Mart greeter waiver wire would have been a better choice.

Special Note:  Last year I picked Tampa Bay to win the division, but just like Paris Hilton…they ended up under everyone.

NFC West
Worthless Out West - ???
Every year it seems the Arizona Cardinals are the unanimous sleeper pick to make the playoffs, and every year they are more disappointing than an abstinent prom date.  I like the changes they made with the coaching staff, but I think it will take another year for the Cards to turn the corner.

On second thought, I changed my mind…let’s go with the 49ers.  Not even the dynamic duo of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton got scored on more last year (412 points, to be exact).

Speaking of losers…

Daunte’s Inferno

Daunte Culpepper should be starting for the Raiders this season, and believe it or not, this is the gig he was hoping for.  After getting a dose of the Raiders’ pathetic excuse for an offensive line, he should find his comfort zone.  And by that, I mean he’ll be about as comfortable as someone that drops an epic in the unisex bathroom at their office…then realizes the toilet won’t flush.

That’s Hot

Just a quick lesson in football terminology:

8 players in the box
1)  A football term used when 8 players crowd the line of scrimmage in order to defend a stellar running attack
2)  What happens to Paris Hilton at a post-game party

A Little Belated Credit for T.O.

I have watched the movie Any Given Sunday several times, but never realized that Terrell Owens was in the movie until about a week ago.  I was so impressed, that I don’t hesitate in labeling it as the best performance of his career.  He finally did the impossible…he scored two touchdowns without saying a single word the whole time.

Now I know why the DVD can only be found in the Fantasy/Fiction section.

Here’s to another great year of football!  And remember – without losers, there wouldn’t be winners…

By now, we all know the details of the NFL draft.  After several weeks of speculation and anticipation, the draft is finally complete…as the newbies begin their NFL journey.

But these teams have other needs as well…those that owners don’t like to talk about.  To maintain the well-balanced football environment that we all know and love, the NFL created the “Special Needs Draft”.  Here, owners are able to secure those hard-to-get items…which often determine a team’s success.

I had hoped to give you live coverage of the Special Needs Draft, but to be honest…the doorman kicked me in the cobblers and beat the hell out of me with my own shoes.  However, the league was nice enough to give me a summary of the day’s events…and an ice pack for my marbles.

So here it is, a synopsis of the official 2007 NFL Special Needs Draft:

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DRAFT WINNERS

New England Patriots - Eyeing a return to Super Bowl glory, the Pats had a productive draft weekend.  Not only did they add several solid college prospects, but they managed to trade for wide receiver Randy Moss…who gives New England another serious offensive weapon for their arsenal.  But once the draft was over, owner Robert Kraft still wasn’t satisfied.

Kraft stated, “We simply have to get Tom Brady more protection.”  Holding true to his word, the Patriots selected a case of Trojan Heavy Duty Fresh-N-Fruity Condoms late in the first round.  A very disappointed box of Magnums was escorted to the commissioner’s private room.

But the Patriots weren’t done.  Immediately after taking the prophylactics, they traded with the Carolina Panthers for the next 1st round pick as well.  Well before the fifteen minutes had expired, the Patriots had selected pop singer Michael Jackson as their new Special Needs Coordinator.

A confused crowd sat in silence as head coach Bill Belichick was questioned about the surprise selection.  He stated that the addition of Michael Jackson was strictly a supplement to Randy Moss.  Belichick went on to say, “if anyone knows how to handle a 10 year old boy…it would be the King of Pop.” 

Houston Texans - The wind of change is blowing in Houston, as the Texans try to abolish the stench of last year’s NFL Draft debacle.  David Carr is out, and Matt Schaub is in as the deficient franchise attempts to move up in the ranks.  Though they didn’t fare too badly in this year’s draft, Houston failed to pick an offensive lineman until the 5th round…which does little to address their most glaring weakness.

After running out the clock with the 10th pick in the special needs draft, the Texans’ brass finally agreed.  They selected a self-help book titled, Paris Hilton’s - Getting Pounded by NFL Linebackers for Dummies.  Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was visibly shaken just moments after the pick was announced.

Other notable draft winners:

Detroit Lions - 10 pack of receiver-sized mouth muzzles
Green Bay Packers - 1 tube of Frostbutt brand cold weather anti-chafing butt paste
Miami Dolphins - Peyton Manning’s jock strap & a Ricky Williams Voodoo Bobblehead Doll  
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Limited Edition DVD of The Replacement Players, starring Keanu Reeves
Seattle Seahawks - One year membership in the Hair Club for Men

DRAFT LOSERS

Philadelphia Eagles - The reigning NFC East champs sent shockwaves through the NFL world when they selected QB Kevin Kolb with an early pick in the 2nd round.  Coach Andy Reid insisted that the unexpected selection had nothing to do with Donovan McNabb, and assured everyone that he was still “our guy”.

Proving that they still care about their franchise quarterback, the Eagles selected a Spinal Knife Wound Repair Kit.  Once again, the team denied that the selection had anything to do with McNabb…even though the repair kit only comes in one size - Husky Quarterback.

Atlanta Falcons - One of the more surreal scenes at the NFL Draft was watching Michael Vick cozy up to new commissioner Roger Goodell.  In a draft day interview, Michael Vick sent a message that he would clean up his act…and that fans should expect a “new Michael Vick”.  Hell, the guy even said he would go golfing and fishing to stay out of trouble.

But Atlanta owner Arthur Blank really dropped the ball with the special needs selection…drafting country music legend Willie Nelson as the newest Mental Health Coordinator.

Other notable draft losers:

Chicago Bears - Another self-help guide, Effective Spending by George W. Bush
Cincinnati Bengals - Two cartons of cigarettes, a nail file, and 24 team embroidered orange jumpsuits with the words "Do Not Enter" stitched on the fanny  
Minnesota Vikings - Complete DVD series of Girls Gone Wild (not sure what that was all about)
Dallas Cowboys - Adam Sandler, because Jerry Jones thought he displayed solid leadership skills in The Longest Yard
Cleveland Browns - Season pass to the Kitty Twister night club

So there you have it…what does your team need?

Every year, NFL fans will inevitably complain about the Super Bowl.  The grand finale usually leaves something to be desired, whether it’s the game itself that disappoints…or perhaps the surrounding events that come up short.  It’s nothing new, and we’ve heard it all before:

“The game wasn’t close enough.”

“I was gorging on bean dip while Janet Jackson was on stage, and I didn’t get to see.”

“Those officials were obviously bribed.”

“How could I concentrate on the 2nd half after watching The Lingerie Bowl on pay-per-view?”

So that got me thinking, what do we really want out of the Super Bowl?  After I recovered from the thought of a Prince wardrobe malfunction, it all became so clear - we want a Super Bowl Scuffle!

Why not?  We like drama…we like violence…heck, we even like to see a little bit of blood once in a while.

So without further delay, here is a list of scuffles I would like to see in this year’s Super Bowl.

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Peyton Manning vs. Rex Grossman

This could be a good fight.  On one side, you have one of the most prolific passers of the modern era…and on the other, you have a quarterback who couldn’t hit a stoner if he fell off the stage at a Grateful Dead concert.  The smart money is on Peyton “Happy Feet” Manning to win by a 1st round knockout.

Phil Simms vs. Boomer Esiason

Am I the only one that thinks these two came from the same cloning machine?  Why not give the bleach blonde former quarterbacks a chance to duke it out?  You have to like Boomer in this match-up…after all, Boomer played with Cincinnati - a team that boasts a roster full of hardened criminals.

Brian Urlacher vs. Adam Vinatieri

I know, this doesn’t sound like much of a fight.  But honestly, who wouldn’t be interested in watching a kicker take the worst beating of his life?  Vinatieri’s only chance for a victory would be a swift kick to the groin.

Shannon Sharpe vs. a Budweiser Clydesdale

A real horse going toe-to-toe with someone who has the face of a horse.  The victor shall be given a lifetime supply of oats.

Britney Spears vs. Prince

The panty-less pop sensation versus the pocket-size Purple Rain producer.  You just know Don King would break the bank with the promotion rights.

Dan Klecko vs. Tank Johnson

Almost 600 pounds of athletic aggression, what could be better?  Just make sure Tank goes through the security checkpoint first…or it could turn into a bloodbath.

Ricky Williams vs. The Entire Crowd

I’m assuming that Ricky Williams is still allowed within the Miami city limits, but I could be wrong.  This probably won’t be a very close contest, but you have to believe the citizens of Miami would absolutely love to see this one.

Mike Ditka vs. Godzilla

Any diehard Bears fan will tell you that Ditka could take down the ferocious beast with one hand tied behind his back.

Jim McMahon vs. Jim Harbaugh

The Colts and Bears don’t have any historic rivalry between them, so why not bring a couple of old throwbacks to make things interesting?  Of course, accommodations should be made to ensure the fight doesn’t conflict with McMahon’s duties at Happy Harry’s Headband Emporium.

Bud Light bottle vs. Diet Pepsi Machine

How can you be “The King of Beers” if you get whipped by a diet soda?

Call me a dreamer, but that’s what I’d like to see.  Hope you enjoy the festivities!

I realize the NFL season isn’t over yet, and there is a lot of exciting playoff football that remains.  But with my beloved Philadelphia Eagles bowing out of the race, I decided to take the opportunity to reflect on another great year in the NFL.

You Learn Something Every Day

Looking back at the season, my first impression was how educational it was for me.  Being part of the blogosphere forced me to examine my own opinions and beliefs.  In some cases, it even caused me to open my mind and have a change of heart.

 

Also, writing about football challenged me to learn more details about the sport that I love.  I’ve always considered myself a student of the game, but this season…I took a closer look at many of its intricacies.

 

Here is a look at a few random lessons I learned over the course of the season:

 

Success starts at the line of scrimmage

This is nothing new - I’ve heard it before, and never really gave it much thought.  But after years of listening to Howie Long talk about it, I finally get it!

 

Quarterbacks get too much credit…and not enough credit

For reasons beyond my comprehension, many fans and experts put the weight of success squarely on the quarterback’s shoulders.

 

The Indianapolis Colts were more dominant last year, but have a better shot at a Super Bowl this year

Instead of coasting into the playoffs with the best record in the NFL, they clawed their way into the Wild Card round…and may be a better team because of it.

 

There might be something to this Madden Curse thing

Sooner or later, the curse has to be broken…right?

 

Tom Coughlin may be possessed by the Devil

I don’t know…call me crazy.  But it’s just a theory.

 

Jeff Garcia may not be #### after all

No self-respecting #### man would make the fashion faux pas of wearing black pantyhose on his head.  Wait, on second thought…

 

Ben Roethlisberger may be a clone

Did you ever see the movie The 6th Day, where the star QB breaks his neck and returns to play the following week as a clone?  With the punishment that Big Ben took last year, that’s the only explanation.

 

Some players must pay extra to become exempt from criticism

Steve McNair & Brett Favre…’nuff said!

 

Some players will never be exempt from criticism

Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick, and now Tony Romo may start a support group.

 

Fans don’t care about steroids in football

Maybe that’s a good thing, but I wish that attitude could also be true in baseball.

 

I Like It, I Love It

There’s a lot to love about this great game, and here is just a small portion of it:

 

- First, I’m glad that Monday Night Football finally abandoned the Tim McGraw weekly recap with an altered version of that annoying song.

 

- I am really starting to embrace the idea of the “two-headed monster” at running back.  The Jacksonville Jaguars may have had the best RB combo with Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew.  Other teams like the Cowboys, Giants, Colts, Bears, and Saints are proof that two heads are better than one.  I think Paris Hilton would agree.

 

- The Playoffs!  Great match-ups, and no matter which team is playing…it’s always entertaining.

 

- I like that team chemistry still matters.  For all the whining and show-boating that occurs around the league, it’s usually the cohesive teams that make it to & through the playoffs.

 

- I’m glad the NFL didn’t decide to go with a synthetic microcomposite football.

 

- The world needs more football commercials.  Peyton Manning is carving quite a niche, and anything that puts the famous Jim Mora “Playoff” spiel back on TV is alright by me.

 

There’s Always Next Year

I was impressed by the late season surge of the Philadelphia Eagles, especially considering that they accomplished it without Donovan McNabb.  Jeff Garcia proved to be the insurance policy that they thought he would be, and did an incredible job filling in as the starter.

 

I was surprised that Garcia’s success would lead to even more criticism for Donovan McNabb.  Even more shocking, a healthy dose of that criticism came from Eagles fans.  I think this turn of events could be a blessing in disguise, as it could be a wake up call for the coaching staff.  After McNabb was injured, they went back to basics…with a more balanced offensive attack.  Instead of depending on the big play, they started controlling the clock and taking the pressure off of their defense.

 

I am looking forward to next year, and hope that McNabb returns quickly to full health.

 

Thanks for a great season!