Everyone else seems to have the winners covered, so I decided to put a different spin on my NFL predictions.  Since I’ve become so great at picking losers (see my NFL Pick ‘Em record for last season)…that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Here is my dismal group of predicted division losers for the 2007 season, as well as some analysis on why these teams will stay in the cellar:

AFC East
Least in the East – Miami Dolphins
Last season in the AFC, only 2 teams finished with fewer points…the Raiders and the Browns.  I’m not sure why I bought into the Culpepper hype last year, but this year shouldn’t be much different for Trent Green and the sea-dwelling mammals.

Special Note:  Last year, I picked the Dolphins to beat the Patriots for the division.  They finished dead last with a 6-10 record.

AFC North
Dirty Dogs – Cleveland Browns
The Bengals’ depth chart still looks like a court docket, but I’ll go with the incumbent Browns to finish last in this division.  They were 0-6 last year against division opponents, expect more of the same from the Dawg Pound.

AFC South
Everything is Bigger in Texas, Including Losers – Houston Texans
Here is another division with 3 tough teams and 1 stink-pile.  If Matt Schaub is the savior that leads them to a division title, then I’ll dye my hair blue and donate $1000 to the Paris Hilton for President Campaign.

AFC West
Washed Out in the West – Oakland Raiders
Do I even need to explain this?  New Head Coach Lane Kiffin would have been better off trying to resurrect Britney Spears’ career.  Raiders…last.

NFC East
A Giant Failure – New York Giants
I’m tempted to pick my Eagles as the loser here, just so they will be certain to win it all.  Instead, I’m going with a newly crowned failure…the NY Giants.  I’m no Tiki Barber fan, but NFL fans will see quickly why he was the true MVP of this team.

But to their credit, I do expect that tempestuous Tom Coughlin will lead the league in tantrums and overall rage rating.  

NFC North
Not For a Millen Dollars – Detroit Lions
Another year, another talented receiver.  Not exactly sure how Calvin Johnson will help the defense improve on the 398 points they gave up last year…but maybe Matt Millen knows something we don’t. 

Should be another division title for the Bears…even though they are the only team in the NFL that would be upgraded by starting Brett Farve at quarterback.

NFC South
Clipped Wings – Atlanta Falcons
I’ll go with the Falcons here.  Not because I believe the loss of Michael Vick is crippling, but because the addition of Joey Harrington is.  News flash – picking up a QB that wasn’t good enough for the Lions or Dolphins may not be the best way to go.  Perhaps swiping Kordell Stewart off the Wal-Mart greeter waiver wire would have been a better choice.

Special Note:  Last year I picked Tampa Bay to win the division, but just like Paris Hilton…they ended up under everyone.

NFC West
Worthless Out West - ???
Every year it seems the Arizona Cardinals are the unanimous sleeper pick to make the playoffs, and every year they are more disappointing than an abstinent prom date.  I like the changes they made with the coaching staff, but I think it will take another year for the Cards to turn the corner.

On second thought, I changed my mind…let’s go with the 49ers.  Not even the dynamic duo of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton got scored on more last year (412 points, to be exact).

Speaking of losers…

Daunte’s Inferno

Daunte Culpepper should be starting for the Raiders this season, and believe it or not, this is the gig he was hoping for.  After getting a dose of the Raiders’ pathetic excuse for an offensive line, he should find his comfort zone.  And by that, I mean he’ll be about as comfortable as someone that drops an epic in the unisex bathroom at their office…then realizes the toilet won’t flush.

That’s Hot

Just a quick lesson in football terminology:

8 players in the box
1)  A football term used when 8 players crowd the line of scrimmage in order to defend a stellar running attack
2)  What happens to Paris Hilton at a post-game party

A Little Belated Credit for T.O.

I have watched the movie Any Given Sunday several times, but never realized that Terrell Owens was in the movie until about a week ago.  I was so impressed, that I don’t hesitate in labeling it as the best performance of his career.  He finally did the impossible…he scored two touchdowns without saying a single word the whole time.

Now I know why the DVD can only be found in the Fantasy/Fiction section.

Here’s to another great year of football!  And remember – without losers, there wouldn’t be winners…

What better way to kick off the season than an ole’ fashioned football party with my blog buddies.  Here is recap of the festivities…

ShooterB paces in his living room, 30 minutes before kickoff.  “I wonder if anyone will show up”, he asks his brother, ShooterC.

 

“You bet they will.  If not, what will I do with all these grilled cheese sandwiches”, replies Shooter’s Steeler-crazed brother.

 

 There is a knock at the door…

“Hey, FlyingPig!  How the hell are you buddy?  I see you brought Ricko and TheDan with you.  Awesome!  What’s that?  Oh, you had to carpool because someone stole your Pacer.  Sorry to hear that.  But come in and try to enjoy yourself anyway(interrupted by Dan)…No, Dan…I don’t have any Molson.” 

 

“Oh my gosh, look what the cat dragged in…it’s Miracle.  How’s it…wait a second.  Who is that in your car?  Is that…Sally?  What are doing with Miracle?  I thought we had something special.  Wow, this is awkward.  Alright, go ahead and come on in.  I’ll be cool.  Just caught me by surprise, that’s all.  And Miracle, I’ll deal with you later.” 

 

Shortly after Miracle’s arrival…ShooterB is sulking in a dark corner of his bedroom with a bottle of Maker’s Mark Bourbon.  ShooterC walks in to see what’s wrong. 

 

“I can’t believe it.  Betrayed by my own friend!  What do I do?” asks a heartbroken ShooterB. 

 

ShooterC replies, “Didn’t you lose rights to Sally in a poker game during the Pig Roast?” 

 

“Oh yeah.  OK, Party on!”… 

 

ShooterB walks back in the living room just in time to greet a few new arrivals to the party.  “CarolynT, nice to see you.  Wow, thanks for bringing the deviled eggs, hot wings, nachos, rack of lamb, stuffed mushrooms, and cheesecake.  I was planning on just serving this 12 lb bag of tortilla chips…but this works much better.” 

 

CarolynT whispers to ShooterB, “Psst, hey Shooter…keep the swine society away from me.  Hogfan just showed up with a basket of apples.  I’m leaving the second this gets out of hand.”

 

Shooter yells across the room, “Hey, Hogfan…I told you no apples!  Put that basket outside pronto.  And I mean it.” 

 

The phone rings…   

 

“Hey, keep it down guys…I’m on the phone.” 

 

“Hello…hey Smoke, how are you?  What do you mean you can’t make it?  No, I don’t have any bail money…what in the heck did you do?  Oh, I saw that in the paper…so you were that crazy Cubs fan that went ballistic on Dusty Baker.  How is he anyway, out of the hospital yet?  OK, I’ll give my best to the gang.  NO, I won’t bail you out!  Geez…” 

 

Hangs up phone… 

 

“OK, what did I miss?  Charlie Batch just threw a touchdown to Hines Ward?  You must be joking.”  

 

By then, several more bloggers had arrived including - Bengals, Norcalfella, MustardMan, Burger21, Siddhartha, Cuzzifer, HalfBaked, Nooch, Gcoach, and SouthernCindi… 

 

“Hold up for a second guys, is there even enough room in here for everyone.  I invited more bloggers that may show up later.  Wait a second, where did Ricko and Miracle go?  And where is my bottle of bourbon?  And my lighter fluid?  Uh oh, I have a bad feeling about this.” 

 

The door swings open abruptly, and the room stops… 

 

“Hey, it’s Tophatal!  Who are these lovely ladies you brought with you?  WHAT?!  They are your girlfriend?  All 3 of them?  Why are they wearing bikinis?  OK, come on in.  But be warned, there are swine among us.  Right over…oh ####, where is Hogfan and FP?  And where is that basket of apples?” 

 

“Forget it.  Ricko, get me a drink…I’m going to sit down and watch the game for a bit.  Why are you giggling?  What’s in this drink anyway?” 

 

“Wow, that Ronnie Brown looks impressive.  2 touchdowns already.  Hey, Burger…don’t cry buddy.  It’s only one game, and there is plenty of time for the Steelers to come back.  What’s that?  Oh, you’re crying because they put Nyquil in your beer?  Hey, don’t worry…you’ll get used to the taste.  But the TV is over here, why are yelling at the wall?” 

 

“Look, Morisato brought some Chico’s tacos.  Awesome.  Go ahead and share with the group.  Just make sure the path to the bathroom is clear.” 

 

The room roars at a big run by Willie Parker to end the 3rd quarter… 

 

Miracle stands up and addresses the room, “Listen up everybody.  I have a joke for you.  Paris Hilton walks into a bar with a priest, a linebacker, and a donkey…” 

 

ShooterB interrupts, “That’s enough Dr. Phil McCracken, the game is back on.” 

 

“A fumble in the red zone?  Oh sweet Moses!  Settle down everyone.  No, no, no!” 

 

An earth shattering kaboom brings silence to the room… 

 

“Thanks a lot!  Now the TV is broken.  I rented this plasma screen just for the party.  Now what are we gonna do?  I guess we’ll make the best of it.  Who’s up for a game of Twister?  FlyingPig, get the game ready.” 

 

After a chaotic scramble the door, the room is cleared except for FlyingPig, Hogfan, and SouthernCindi… 

 

“Why did everyone leave?  Oh no, why is the apple basket empty?  Get out of here Hogfan.”  

 

Hours later, Ricko emerges from the bathroom… 

 

“What’s up, Ricko?”

 

“Don’t ask”, replies a green and pale faced Ricko.

 

Does this mean no more blogger parties?

Today, I tell the tale of how I became a member of the National Sarcasm Society.  Not only am I a member, but I am also the co-founder of the Las Cruces chapter.  Our chapter currently has 2 members, me and my nephew.  I would try to find more members, but our local chapter motto is “Like We Really Need Any Other Members”.

To become a member, my first assignment was to create a collection of sarcasm from sports and pop culture.  Without further delay, here it is:

To the National Sarcasm Society Board of Directors, for your consideration

Just once I would like a headline to read:  Craig Counsell Hits Home Run in a loss, just 687 shy of Ruth’s record; Follow the historic chase on C² Live Cam

In a real fight, would your opponent allow you time to speak a clever quote before each punch?  For an example of this cinematic phenomena, watch the final scene of Cliffhanger with Sylvester Stallone.

Baseballs which are used in the MLB are rubbed with a special kind of mud (Lena Blackburne Rubbing Mud, if you were interested) before they are used in a game.  However, a baseball is taken out of play if it bounces in the dirt on any given pitch.  So the obvious question is: Why don’t they coat Major League Ballparks with Lena Blackburne Rubbing Mud instead of regular dirt?

If I was ever required to shake, work, or in any way exploit the use of my ting ting…I’m not entirely sure that I would know how.

Ricky Williams (fictitious) quote of the year:  “You mean they test for that too?”

Sean Salisbury qualifies as an NFL expert?  A career passer rating of 65.1 tells me that maybe we can do better.

If Sean Salisbury can be an NFL expert, then perhaps Tom Tolbert could be the next NBA expert.

Oh wait, Tom Tolbert IS an NBA expert.  And why shouldn’t he be?  After all, he averaged well over 6 points per game in his NBA career.

Special Alert:  Craig Counsell still 687 home runs shy of Babe Ruth’s record

Kevin Costner portrayed both a pitcher and catcher in separate baseball movies.  Could he possibly throw a pitch and catch it at the same time?

Has a college athlete ever made less money at the pro level than they did at the college level?

In the movie Superman II, General Zod leads a trio of villains against Superman.  In one particular scene, they use their super powers of breath to create a hurricane force wind.  This occurs amidst a barrage of terror in the city.  One citizen is seen about to take a bite of an ice cream cone, and then the power wind blows the scoop of ice cream to the ground.  The movie-makers captured reality with such subtle details.  I, for one, have an incredible craving for ice cream when widespread panic erupts and the end of the world is near.

I could write these lines all day long, and still not have as many obscure pop culture references as a single episode of The Family Guy.

If you are looking at a baseball field from a different angle, wouldn’t left field really be right field?

Why isn’t home plate referred to as “4^th base”?

Professional Poker Player Daniel Negreanu looks and acts just like Ed Norton’s character from the movie Rounders.  OK, that isn’t sarcasm…it’s a fact.                     

        Poker Star Negreanu                                   "Worm" from Rounders

If Lebron James translated the Holy Bible, could they legally refer to it as the “King James version”?

If Professional Wrestling is not considered as a sport because it’s staged…then why is Professional Boxing still considered as a sport?

In the 2002 MLB draft, the Pittsburgh Pirates selected Bryan Bullington.  By selecting the Ball state pitcher, they passed on the following players:  B.J. Upton, Prince Fielder, Jeremy Hermida, Khalil Greene, Scott Kazmir, Nick Swisher, Jeff Francoeur, Joe Blanton, and Matt Cain.  Surprisingly, the Pirates haven’t had a winning season since Bill Clinton began his presidency.

To be politically correct, shouldn’t they change the NBA franchise name to the Charlotte Robertcats?

Speaking of “politically correct”…Does that term imply that we should look to politicians for a correct manner of articulate speaking?  “I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.  And what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense.”  - George W. Bush

If an athlete guarantees victory and loses, shouldn’t gamblers be able to get their money back?

NASCAR is considered a sport.  If I was training for NASCAR on the open road, I could receive a speeding ticket.  So if I was practicing golf at the driving range, would I be breaking the law?  By the way, the judge didn't buy the whole "training for NASCAR" argument.

In the sport of tennis, they use the term “Love” to express a score of zero.  Why don’t they call it “Hate” when a point is scored?

Though we can never determine which player is the definitive “Greatest of All Time”, we spend countless hours debating this very issue.

I would like to thank the National Sarcasm Society Board of Directors for giving me the opportunity to join your prestigious organization.  I promise to represent the society in a positive manner and uphold its values, philosophies and mission.  My entire life has prepared me to be a successful NSS member.  Thank you once again for your consideration.

This post is dedicated to The Sultan of Sarcasm, Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons