How bad are things in Pittsburgh? The annual chants of “there’s always next year” have been replaced with something even more discouraging.
2009 will be the year for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
But before we examine that conundrum, let’s look at the current state of a once proud franchise.
For the second straight year, the Bucs are in a race to avoid the cellar (unsuccessful so far)…instead of battling for a pennant. In 2006, Pittsburgh needed a late-season surge in order to finish 1 game ahead of the Chicago Cubs in the standings. The Cubs spent some money in the off-season and appear poised for a worst-to-first division title and playoff berth.
The Pirates are in the same place they were last year. If not worse.
They did manage a few more wins than last season, but they still aren’t any closer to building a winner. In fact, they are on the verge of breaking a record of consecutive losing seasons. Yes, indeed…it has been 15 years.
I suppose it isn’t all bad news in Pittsburgh. By the numbers, this is an improved team. And there some glimmer of hope for the future. But still a lot of questions.
For starters, the Pirates are putting more runs on the board. They are currently in the middle of the pack in the NL in runs scored. By most accounts, franchise outfielder Jason Bay has had a sub-par season. But a few other unlikely teammates have picked up the slack. Jose Bautista, Nate McClouth…hell, even Jack Wilson is getting into the swing of things.
But when it comes to pitching, the stats are ugly. A team 4.91 ERA (as of September 25) puts them only ahead of 2 NL teams (Marlins, Reds). Not good results for a franchise that spent first round draft picks on starting pitchers in each of the past 7 years.
Only 2 starters this year have earned a permanent spot in the rotation. Ian Snell (3.76 ERA), Tom Gorzelanny (3.73 ERA), and Paul Maholm (5.02 ERA) are the only members of the staff to approach the 200 inning benchmark.
Unless they make some moves, there isn’t likely to be much pitching help on the way either. A questionable mid-season trade allowed them to acquire an overpriced Matt Morris, who has been terrible since suiting up for the Bucs. The small group of prospects – Bryan Bullington, John Van Benschoten, Sean Burnett – have been shaky and injury-prone in the minors. Van Benschoten is the only potential starter with significant time on the senior circuit this year, and his 9.73 ERA in 10 starts doesn’t exactly instill confidence for his future.
Bad Decisions
In the last 15 years of losing, the Pirates have a horrendous history with personnel choices…especially when it comes to pitching. Most recently, Oliver Perez was traded to the Mets in 2006 after struggling mightily with his control, mechanics, and velocity. Apparently, the Pirates weren’t patient enough with the talented lefty…because he ended up starting a Game 7 for New York in ‘06, and isn’t too far away from Cy Young contention this year. I’m guessing they would like to take a mulligan on that one.
On the Rise
Back to the hopes for 2009. There is a reason that management and fans are looking beyond next year.
Andrew McCutchen – This outfielder of the future has all the makings of a franchise player. This 20 year old is a 5-tool player with unlimited potential. A sluggish start in AA-Altoona may delay his arrival a bit, but fans can’t wait to see him in Pittsburgh. McCutchen was more than impressive this past spring, and could be called up as soon as next year.
Brian Bixler – If the Pirates unload Jack Wilson this off-season, it will be because of the emergence of Bixler. This shortstop earned team MVP honors in AAA-Indianapolis this year, and could be ready for the MLB sooner rather than later. His stats in Indy were solid - .274 BA, 5 HR, 23 doubles, 10 triples, and 28 stolen bases in 129 games. His speed would be a huge plus for a team that has historically struggled to manufacture runs.
Nyjer Morgan – Here is another outfielder that could be an option in Pittsburgh. Morgan isn’t as young as the other prospects (turned 27 in July), but his .300 plus average (in the minors) and speed would give management something to think about…especially with no true leadoff hitter in the system.
Steve Pearce – This natural first baseman has been tearing it up at every level, boasting a .333 BA this year in the minors. His offensive potential even earned him a late-season call-up to Pittsburgh, a sign that he could be part of the picture in 2008. Pearce has also spent some time in the outfield, so Jim Tracy should have some options to get his bat in the everyday lineup.
Neil Walker – This converted catcher was moved to 3rd base because of his offensive potential, and also the lack of depth within the organization. Walker, a switch-hitter, spent most of the year in AA-Altoona…where he hit 13 HR to go along with a .288 BA. He may stay in the minors one more year to refine his defensive skills and plate discipline, but if he progresses quickly…he could be in a Pirates uniform before you know it.
A Lot of This, Not Much of That
More than enough offensive depth, but not nearly enough pitching. Here’s a look at each position:
Outfielders – A lot of options here to compliment Jason Bay. The Chris Duffy experiment is all but over, but there is still plenty to choose from. Xavier Nady, Steve Pearce, Ryan Doumit, Andrew McCutchen, Nyjer Morgan, Nate McClouth…all of whom could provide some serious offense.
3B – For right now, Jose Bautista is holding down the fort…and is doing better than most expected. Neil Walker will likely be the 3rd baseman of the future, but Bautista may have earned the starting spot for another year with some decent numbers. Freddy Sanchez can also handle the defensive duties at the hot corner, but Jim Tracy is trying his best to keep him at 2nd on a permanent basis.
SS – Jack Wilson could be gone next season, if for no other reason than his salary. His offensive production is inconsistent at best, but he has finished 2007 as one of the hottest hitters on the team. His defense is above average, but Brian Bixler will likely be the shortstop of the future.
2B – Freddy Sanchez should have this position locked up for quite a while. With an average well above .300, he will be needed somewhere near the top of the lineup.
1B – For now, Adam LaRoche is the starter. If Tracy decides to go with Steve Pearce or Ryan Doumit here, they will probably need to deal LaRoche first. Xavier Nady could also be an option at 1st, but that seems unlikely at this point.
C – Ronny Paulino has been a durable and reliable player over the last two years, and has produced well enough to hold down the job on a full-time basis. Paulino’s defense has improved, and his bat offers some power (11 HR). Ryan Doumit serves as the back-up catcher, but his defensive skills aren’t nearly as sharp. Either way the Pirates go, the back-stopper will provide a little bit of offense.
There’s Always Next Next Year
There is a new GM in town, and management has committed to spending some money “if it puts us over the top”. Hopefully, they mean over the top of the bottom. Otherwise, fans may be treated to another losing, albeit record-breaking, season in Pittsburgh.
With the stage set for the post-season, let’s take a look at another MLB race going down to the wire:
Pittsburgh Pirates VS. Chicago Cubs - Cellar Dweller Battle Royale
Even the loser in this battle won’t be totally empty-handed. Following the final game, you may even hear a chant of “there’s someone worse than us…there’s someone worse than us.” Actually, there will be 2 "someone’s". The Kansas City Royals, and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays - both barely reaching 60 wins.
But that means little to these 2 National League teams. Historically, the Pirates have served as a make-shift farm league team for the underachieving Cubs. Acquiring players like Aramis Ramirez at a bargain price creates an intense rivalry. One might even say - a battle for mediocrity…at its finest.
The mood was tense in Pittsburgh as the Bucs prepared for their weekend series against the Reds. Manager Jim “I love Cagney & Lacy” Tracy called the situation bleak…and more uncomfortable than running naked backwards through a cornfield. “When the season began, our only real goal was to finish ahead of the Cubs. The pressure on this team to finish strong is incredible. And we’re not used to pressure. Jeromy Burnitz even gets the anxiety pukes when he plays a close game on his Xbox”, states a visibly shaken Tracy.
Pirate infielder Freddy “Dirty” Sanchez enjoyed a spectacular breakout season. His .345 batting average was easily the best on the squad. However, the lackluster year for his team has left him confused about his future in baseball. He discusses the possibility of retirement candidly in a pre-game interview, “This December, I’ll be 29 years old. I have a lot to consider. I’m too old to put up with this ####. Being in this locker room every day takes a toll on you. I mean, even Paris Hilton is surrounded by a better collection of pro athletes on a daily basis.”
Clubhouse morale was destroyed following the trade deadline. The Pirates unloaded several players, and acquired virtually nothing of value in return. Shawn Chacon was picked up from the Yankees in a deal for Craig Wilson. This move left the Bucs with one less power bat, and one more pitcher with a gargantuan ERA. Franchise outfielder Jason “please God, send me to the” Bay was bewildered by the club’s fire sale, “When I heard the news, I couldn’t believe it. Not only was Craig Wilson a talented player, but he also made a delightful shrimp gumbo. Nothing helped soothe the pain of a loss like dinner and a night of passionate love-making at Craig’s place. Uh, I mean with hookers…yeah, lots and lots of hookers. I wasn’t saying that Craig is ####. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
The only hope left glimmering for this miserable baseball team is staying out of the NL Central cellar. Fans impatiently await the final results. Will it be another season up in smoke? Or will a small moment of victory allow the Bucs to end on a positive note?
Based on the pre-season predictions of an anonymous “comedic genius”, here is some much deserved praise for a Cubs star in the making :
“I'll bet you one degrading blog post that Chris Duffy finishes the year with a higher average than Matt Murton. If you win, I will write a blog praising Murton...If I win, you praise Duffy.”
Every year, the average arm-chair quarterback morphs into an NFL prognosticator with more confidence than Sean Salisbury. It is rare to find an enthusiast that refuses to offer an educated (or even uneducated) guess at predicting the Super Bowl champs. This is a risky proposition with an abundance of variables at play. It only takes a couple of key injuries to change an entire division. There will be rookies that surprise, and those that will disappoint. Players with new teams can adjust quickly, or struggle with a new system and fade into obscurity. You get the idea...
Wise men say that the best way to predict the future is to look at the past. In regards to the upcoming NFL season, those may be the wisest words of all.
So with that, here are my serious and not-so-serious predictions for the 2006-07 season.
Predicting the Storylines
The storylines that develop over the course of a season are almost as entertaining as the actual games. At least in the same way that a train wreck can be entertaining. Keeping with that theme, here are a few atypical predictions for the upcoming NFL season.
- Terrell Owens will sustain massive head trauma after being falsely accused of stealing Bill Parcell’s sandwich...and will be beaten badly by the short-fused coach. Investigation of the incident will reveal the real culprit, Drew Bledsoe, who master-minded the conspiracy to implicate Owens. Bledsoe will receive a prison sentence for conspiracy to assault, impersonating a quarterback, and grand theft-salami.
- Chris Cooley will donate some of his hair to Matt Hasselbeck.
- Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie will fire head coach Andy Reid during the middle of the season. When reporters ask Lurie about the unexpected move, he states that “I fired him because running a West Coast offense with an East Coast team is just plain weird”.
- David Carr, quarterback of the Houston Texans, will announce that he is homosexual. Which means that even after he is benched at mid-season, Carr will continue to get pounded by NFL linebackers.
- During a Monday night telecast, Mike Turico of the ESPN crew will initiate an on-air fist fight with Joe Theisman due to a blathering display of stupidity. Tony Kornheiser will flee from the scene faster than Ike Clanton from the OK Corral. Sean Salisbury will be called in to finish the broadcast, but will be fired the very next day. Funny man Steve Carell will be hired to broadcast the remainder of the season, and will become the NFL’s premiere commentator. The phrase “sometimes you lose, and sometimes you play the 49ers” will make him a sports icon.
- After learning of the Carell development, former Monday Night Football castaway Dennis Miller will be become outraged and beg for another chance at the broadcast booth. Following several failed auditions, Miller will strike himself several times in the head with a ball pean hammer in an attempt to dumb down his humor for reasonable human interpretation. Once he is released from the hospital, Miller will be hired by MTV as the character for their new series Return of Beavis & Butthead.
- Following a lackluster 0-3 start by the Raiders, Randy Moss will demand a trade to “whatever team that is that Ricky Williams is playing for”.
- NFL officials will revise league rules to limit team spending on bail bonds. They will call it “the Bengal clause”.
- Dolphins backup QB Joey Harrington will start the final two games of the season in place of injured Daunte Culpepper. Shortly after Harrington passes for 320 yards and 5 TD’s in the final game, Detroit Lions owner Matt Millen will attempt to drown himself in a bathtub. Sadly, Millen will fail at the suicide attempt by forgetting to plug the drain.
- Paris Hilton will shock the sports world when she purchases the San Diego Chargers franchise. Her first act in office is to issue a memo to all NFL owners titled, "Interesting Trades Considered". By noon the next day, Terrell Owens will be traded to San Diego in exchange for sexual favors.
- At least once during the season...an NFL player will be at a bar scene when someone is fatally wounded...and he will deny any involvement at first but then after talking to his attorney he will revise his statement saying that he actually owned the knife in question but didn't use it because someone stole it from him and he didn't want to say anything about it because the guy that stole it was his friend or at least he was until that guy ####ed his girlfriend but he wasn't mad about that because he's a nice guy and would never hurt anybody.
Going Out on a Limb
- The Super Bowl could turn out to be a repeat of last year’s, or it might be two completely different teams.
- The Super Bowl will not consist of a Bills/49ers match-up.
- The Super Bowl could be a quarterback rematch of last year’s Rose Bowl, Vince Young vs. Matt Leinart; Provided that all other NFL teams except the Titans and Cardinals go on a season-long strike.
- Experts and fans that predicted a Patriots/Panthers Super Bowl will disappear faster than a cucumber in a sorority house.
Let’s Get Real
I wouldn’t be much of a fan if I didn’t have my own NFL predictions. So here they are:
Division Winners
NFC East - Philadelphia Eagles
I anticipate that this division will be the most competitive in the league. A healthy McNabb will prove that last year was a fluke.
NFC North - Chicago Bears
There isn’t much offense in this division, and the Bears’ defense will allow them to coast into the playoffs.
NFC South - Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Panthers and Falcons will be left wondering what hit them. A Cadillac and a tenacious defense will be the culprits.
NFC West - Seattle Seahawks
The Arizona Cardinals will make a little noise, but not enough to dethrone the reigning NFC champions. Not even close.
AFC East - Miami Dolphins
A two-horse race between the Dolphins and the Patriots. But even the losing horse will make the playoffs as a wild card.
AFC North - Pittsburgh Steelers
The Bengals will push the Super Bowl champs, but do not have the depth to finish them off.
AFC South - Indianapolis Colts
The Colts won’t be as good as last year, but will still run away with this division.
AFC West - Denver Broncos
The Chiefs will be a close second, but don’t have the defense to keep up with the Broncs.
What a World!
- Only in the world of professional sports will you see news like this (as seen last week on Yahoo Sports, News and Notes for Ruben Droughns): “Droughns could get six to 18 months in jail if convicted of assault and up to six months in jail if convicted of harassment. He expects to be back for practice Tuesday…”
Here’s to another great NFL season, which is bound to be full of surprises. Sit back and enjoy!
ShooterB’s Greatest Hits brings together a collection of his most popular posts for the first time ever.Relive the magic, from the critically acclaimed ‘Lessons in Life’ to the power ballad ‘Moments in Sport That Inspire Us’.Whether you’re driving down the road, or jammin’ at home…this collection is a must have for your blogging library.#### it up!
OK, I probably deserve a greatest hits collection less than Michael Bolton.Nevertheless, here is a collection of my posts that I picked out.Hope you enjoy!
Can you say ‘random #### rant’?Everything you could want in a random rant, including:a floating Bruce Willis, Shaq’s poor free-throw shooting, cowbell, sidebar, and Jodie Foster’s sexual preferences.What more could you ask for?
For the second assignment of NGS II, our topic was ‘Best of’ or ‘Worst of’.I chose to write about the Best Never to Win it All, which was focused on the NBA.
My first assignment in the 2nd ‘Next Great Sportswriter’ contest.The assignment was to write about any athlete.I chose to write about Charlie Ward, and his choice to play in the NBA rather than the NFL.
Sadly enough, by the beginning of May…the Pittsburgh Pirates were already in big trouble.How about an 8-22 record to start the season?Rather than conventional strategies, I suggested that the Bucs improve their team by recruiting Crash Davis from the movie Bull Durham.
This may have been my favorite topic to write about so far.It’s about 3 NBA prospects that I got to play against and watch (back in the day, of course).It illustrates the difficult road of a youngster trying to become a pro, and all the factors that contribute to success.
My reaction to the Barry Bonds documentary show on ESPN.Not really an extremist opinion of Bonds either way, just trying to show that the Bonds bashing and hating is out of control.
Just having a little fun here.A few fictitious quotes, and a collection of my own baseball nicknames.Includes a few nickname gems like:Keith “I can’t pitch worth a” Foulke, Kerry “my arm might as well be made of” Wood, and Rickie “haven’t touched the ball in” Weeks.
My opinion of how to get baseball back on track, and the players that can do it.Includes:Derek Jeter, Miguel Cabrera, Albert Pujols, and…cough, cough…Mark Prior (I may have to take a mulligan on that one).
Just trying to give some respect to a few sports occupations that aren’t so easy.Looking back at it, this may be my first officially censored post. I guess I should have said "Richard Vermeil" instead.
The day that the NGS finalists were announced, and I wasn’t one of them.I chose this post as a highlight because it reflects my attitude and philosophy towards competition, and in a corny way…life in general.
My first ever blog entry!This one was short and opinionated, much like a midget at a protest.I tried to take an optimistic view of the Eagles’ squandered season.We’ll see if I was right…
Following the theme of Greatest Hits, here are few compilations that I would recommend...and also those that I would recommend you stay away from.
Recommended Listening
These Will Make Your Ears Bleed
Aerosmith - Big Ones (not only a clever title, but a solid collection.Janie’s Got a Gun is, and will always be, a classic)
Britney Spears Greatest Hits - My Prerogative (at least listening to this isn’t as bad as watching her try to act in a crappy movie)
ZZ Top - Greatest Hits (it just doesn’t get much cooler than this)
Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995 (in our hearts, did he ever really go away?)
Eagles - The Very Best of (if you can excuse ‘Please Come Home for Christmas’, you’ll like the rest of this)
Styx Greatest Hits, & Greatest Hits Part II (if the first didn’t make you want to sail away, the second one will)
George Strait - 50 Number Ones (make fun all you want, you know you like it)
Celine Dion -A Decade of Song (dear lord in heaven, please save us)
The Very Best of Prince (maybe he’s a bit weird, but does anyone not like Purple Rain?)
Limp Bizkit Greatest Hitz (how clever with the whole “Z” thing)
I’ve got no choice…it’s been too long since my last post.It’s time to tackle it all with a random #### rant.Here we go:
Pittsburgh Pirates - Deadline Business As Usual
In their first trade deadline maneuver, the Pirates unloaded Sean Casey to the Tigers for minor league pitcher Brian Rogers.Trading Casey was inevitable as the Bucs simply couldn’t justify his salary ($8.5 million).But I think they might have been better off just trading Casey for a case of Lena Blackburne rubbing mud. At least it would have given them something that could be useful in an actual MLB game.
Kip Wells was sent to the Texas Rangers in exchange for another minor league pitcher, Jesse Chavez.Not exactly sure why the Rangers wanted Wells.It’s possible that they didn’t realize who he was, and just saw his one good start recently against the Giants.But that’s fine…more salary to be wasted on an underachieving free agent next year.
Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez were shipped off to the Mets for outfielder Xavier Nady.Not a bad trade for the Bucs, I suppose.Perez had more control problems than Charlie Sheen at a prostitute convention, and Hernandez is literally older than dirt.
Nady will fill the void created by the depature of Craig Wilson.Wilson was traded to the Yankees for pitcher Shawn Chacon.I guess Pirate management thought they could use another pitcher with a 7.00 ERA.
And all this trade action comes immediately after a winning streak.Not that it matters, the Pirates have been in the cellar longer than a prize Cabernet.
Some Football Stuff
I can’t wait to see how Terrell Owens fares with Drew Bledsoe in Dallas.Sure, it’s a risk for the Cowboys.Early training camp reports confirm that the Owens/Bledsoe duo could be the most dynamic we’ve seen since Tango & Cash.Take that however you want.
The Philadelphia Eagles are hoping that running back Correll Buckhalter can make a comeback from his knee injury in 2005.He has missed 3 of the last 4 seasons with various knee injuries, but appears healthy enough to make this year’s roster.What you didn’t know is that during Buckhalter’s most recent surgery, doctors inserted a hamstring from a cadaver to reinforce the tendon in his knee.That’s right, from a cadaver.If this proves to be successful, expect a boom in the human body parts salvage industry.
The Rest
The World Series of Poker is underway, which is the largest main event ever.Among the participants are several celebrities including:actor Tobey Maguire, boxer Antonio Tarver, funny man Norm MacDonald, actress (and every man’s dream) Shannon Elizabeth, actress and accomplished poker player Jennifer Tilly.Even former heavyweight boxer Lennox Lewis entered the tournament.My money is on Spiderman.
The countdown to Michelle Wie’s 18th birthday continues.Mainly, this is so that sports writers across the country can let the inappropriate jokes fly with no remorse.But also, somewhere, there is a teenage boy that idolizes Kevin Federline and plans to use Wie as his ticket out of the trailer park.Best of luck to that young man.
If that Federline trainee fails in his quest for Michelle Wie, there is also Britney Spears’ younger sister - 15 year old Jamie Lynn Spears.
Birthday Blues
For my birthday this past weekend, I was given an unusual gift - a birthday cake featuring a picture of Gwen Stefani.And this will be the only time I can truthfully say that I took Gwen home with me.What a birthday!
Fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates have come to expect losing, but they didn’t expect this.The team’s only real goal for the year was to have a winning season, or at least finish near .500 in the win column.Instead, they currently have a winning percentage of .338 and are fresh off a 13-game losing streak.Pardon me if I don’t do cartwheels after yesterday’s victory over the White Sox.All the win really means is that they can start a new losing streak.Woopity Doo!
Jim Leyland looks like a genius for turning down another tour of duty as manager of the Bucs, and taking a job with Detroit instead.Meanwhile, Pirate manager Jim Tracy seems to have a situation comparable to a Hollywood marriage.It looked good on paper, made a few headlines…but inevitably will end with a painful divorce.
The Pirates don’t have a clue.The sad thing is that this team actually spent some money to be this bad.Even the fire-sale Florida Marlins are in much better shape than the Bucs.
But rather that talk about rebuilding, or illustrating just how bad this team is…I’m going a different route.Some of the Pirate players are so bewildered that they don’t even realize where they are.If you’ve seen them play at all this year…you would believe it.
So with that, I’m going to offer them a little help.
You might be a Pirate if:
-An 83 MPH fastball qualifies you as “the hardest thrower on the pitching staff”.
-Jose Canseco doesn’t want to play on your team because he is “considering other offers”.
-You look up in the standings, and see the Chicago Cubs ahead of you.
-Matt Murton could be the best player on your team.
-You strikeout more than Steve Buscemi at the Playboy mansion.
-You are a pitcher with an ERA of 4.83, and it’s good enough to lead the team in that category.
-The youngster that you were counting on to be a leadoff hitter only managed a .194 batting average and was sent to the minor leagues before the first official day of summer.
-There are two outs in the bottom of the ninth, and your team is down by a run with the bases loaded.The manager needs a pinch hitter, and looks at you on the bench.He then proceeds to tell the umpire, “We’ll pass…let’s just go home.”
-When accounting questions a $450 ice expense, and you must explain that the ice was necessary to chill the champagne which would be used to celebrate the end of a losing streak.
-You are baffled that during the end of the losing streak celebration, the champagne no longer has any fizz...and tastes flatter than an RC Cola.
-You are more likely to get the booty while pillaging the sea with Cap’n Jack Sparrow than you are on a road trip to Los Angeles.
-Your friends and family conveniently change the topic when you mention giving them free tickets to the game.
-Before the season began, you were considered the ace of the staff…and future of the franchise.But only half way through the season, you have been terrible enough to bypass the bullpen and be demoted to the minors.
-Instead of thinking about how to compete against other MLB teams, you daydream about how awesome you played against Manatee Community College in Spring Training.
-A Kip Wells return from injury would actually improve your team.
-Your opponents have scored more this year than Angelina Jolie and Paris Hilton combined.
-When a minor leaguer from your organization is called up to the majors, but responds with:“Actually, I think I’ll stay in Altoona a little while longer.”
-A pre-game match of paper-rock-scissors determines “who must go out there and pitch today”.
-A series for your team against the Kansas City Royals is referred to as “an uphill battle”.
-A promotional Nude Anna Benson bobblehead night can’t even fill half of the stadium.
-Your team was recently put up for sale on E-bay, and the asking price is:$2 million, or best offer.
Selected as a finalist in the 2nd "Next Great Sportswriter" contest, but I didn't bring enough cowbell to win it.
I am the self-appointe d chairman of the National Sarcasm Society. If you don't believe me, I guess I don't really care...
I enjoy reading anything that is well written...nov els, articles, whatever. I also enjoy writing for recreation. I believe that writers and athletes have the best jobs on the planet.
But before we examine that conundrum, let’s look at the current state of a once proud franchise.
Pirate infielder Freddy “Dirty” Sanchez enjoyed a spectacular breakout season. His .345 batting average was easily the best on the squad. However, the lackluster year for his team has left him confused about his future in baseball. He discusses the possibility of retirement candidly in a pre-game interview, “This December, I’ll be 29 years old. I have a lot to consider. I’m too old to put up with this 
All hail to the great Matt Murton! 
- During a Monday night telecast, Mike Turico of the ESPN crew will initiate an on-air fist fight with Joe Theisman due to a blathering display of stupidity. Tony Kornheiser will flee from the scene faster than Ike Clanton from the OK Corral. Sean Salisbury will be called in to finish the broadcast, but will be fired the very next day. Funny man Steve Carell will be hired to broadcast the remainder of the season, and will become the NFL’s premiere commentator. The phrase “sometimes you lose, and sometimes you play the 49ers” will make him a sports icon. 
- After learning of the Carell development, former Monday Night Football castaway Dennis Miller will be become outraged and beg for another chance at the broadcast booth. Following several failed auditions, Miller will strike himself several times in the head with a ball pean hammer in an attempt to dumb down his humor for reasonable human interpretation. Once he is released from the hospital, Miller will be hired by MTV as the character for their new series Return of Beavis & Butthead. 
The Philadelphia Eagles are hoping that running back Correll Buckhalter can make a comeback from his knee injury in 2005.
