Post-game reaction from two head coaches who are now under fire:

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Philadelphia Eagles 3, New York Giants 16

Notable game stats for Philly:  15 penalties, 12 sacks allowed, 3 measly friggin’ points, 1 ugly loss 

Here’s what Andy Reid had to say about his team’s performance:

“Well, we went in at halftime to analyze what was working for us…which took less than a minute.  The other 14 minutes we spent talking about those ugly throwback uniforms we had to wear last week, while several players helped Donovan clean the chunks of grass out of his facemask.”

After the game, Reid gave the prestigious game ball to tackle Winston Justice…who allowed more than just a few sacks on McNabb.

“Winston did everything we asked him to.  Unfortunately, the coaching staff forgot to ask him to do anything at all.  We’re thinking of possibly giving him a different assignment for the next game.”

Coach Reid also didn’t seem very concerned about the plethora of penalties his team committed.

“We ended up with 190 total yards of offense, and only 132 penalty yards.  I’m no Alfred Einstein, but I believe that still leaves us with positive yardage.  Sure, 15 penalties sounds like a lot, but…hey, are there any of those Krispy Kremes left in the media lounge?” 

So where do they go from here?  That’s anyone’s guess, but a determined coach already had his sights set on next week’s opponent – the juggernaut that is BYE WEEK.

“I feel strongly that we can improve for a win next week against BYE.  They haven’t beaten us since I’ve been coaching, and I think that historic advantage should give us the edge again this year.”

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Chicago Bears 27, Detroit Lions 37

Notable Chicago game stats:  14 penalties, 3 interceptions, a multitude of pissed-off fans

Head Coach Lovie Smith took all the blame for yet another dismal performance from his beloved Bears.

“Rex Gross…I mean Kyle Or…no, I mean Brian Griese is our quarterback.  I really mean that.  Before the game, there was just a slight miscommunication on my part.  I told Brian to go in there and just do what Rex does.  Unfortunately, he misunderstood and threw 3 interceptions.”

Coach Smith was annoyed about the implications of a lingering quarterback controversy.

“Like I said before, I think…Brian Griese is our quarterback.  By the way, does anyone know Kordell Stewart’s phone number?”

One ugly week

** Disclaimer:  I think the above statements were purely fictional, but hell...after watching these two humorous games, I'm not even sure anymore.  However, if you did take them seriously...send me an email, and I'll have someone come to your house and drop an anvil on your cranium to put you out of your misery. 

Every year, NFL fans will inevitably complain about the Super Bowl.  The grand finale usually leaves something to be desired, whether it’s the game itself that disappoints…or perhaps the surrounding events that come up short.  It’s nothing new, and we’ve heard it all before:

“The game wasn’t close enough.”

“I was gorging on bean dip while Janet Jackson was on stage, and I didn’t get to see.”

“Those officials were obviously bribed.”

“How could I concentrate on the 2nd half after watching The Lingerie Bowl on pay-per-view?”

So that got me thinking, what do we really want out of the Super Bowl?  After I recovered from the thought of a Prince wardrobe malfunction, it all became so clear - we want a Super Bowl Scuffle!

Why not?  We like drama…we like violence…heck, we even like to see a little bit of blood once in a while.

So without further delay, here is a list of scuffles I would like to see in this year’s Super Bowl.

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Peyton Manning vs. Rex Grossman

This could be a good fight.  On one side, you have one of the most prolific passers of the modern era…and on the other, you have a quarterback who couldn’t hit a stoner if he fell off the stage at a Grateful Dead concert.  The smart money is on Peyton “Happy Feet” Manning to win by a 1st round knockout.

Phil Simms vs. Boomer Esiason

Am I the only one that thinks these two came from the same cloning machine?  Why not give the bleach blonde former quarterbacks a chance to duke it out?  You have to like Boomer in this match-up…after all, Boomer played with Cincinnati - a team that boasts a roster full of hardened criminals.

Brian Urlacher vs. Adam Vinatieri

I know, this doesn’t sound like much of a fight.  But honestly, who wouldn’t be interested in watching a kicker take the worst beating of his life?  Vinatieri’s only chance for a victory would be a swift kick to the groin.

Shannon Sharpe vs. a Budweiser Clydesdale

A real horse going toe-to-toe with someone who has the face of a horse.  The victor shall be given a lifetime supply of oats.

Britney Spears vs. Prince

The panty-less pop sensation versus the pocket-size Purple Rain producer.  You just know Don King would break the bank with the promotion rights.

Dan Klecko vs. Tank Johnson

Almost 600 pounds of athletic aggression, what could be better?  Just make sure Tank goes through the security checkpoint first…or it could turn into a bloodbath.

Ricky Williams vs. The Entire Crowd

I’m assuming that Ricky Williams is still allowed within the Miami city limits, but I could be wrong.  This probably won’t be a very close contest, but you have to believe the citizens of Miami would absolutely love to see this one.

Mike Ditka vs. Godzilla

Any diehard Bears fan will tell you that Ditka could take down the ferocious beast with one hand tied behind his back.

Jim McMahon vs. Jim Harbaugh

The Colts and Bears don’t have any historic rivalry between them, so why not bring a couple of old throwbacks to make things interesting?  Of course, accommodations should be made to ensure the fight doesn’t conflict with McMahon’s duties at Happy Harry’s Headband Emporium.

Bud Light bottle vs. Diet Pepsi Machine

How can you be “The King of Beers” if you get whipped by a diet soda?

Call me a dreamer, but that’s what I’d like to see.  Hope you enjoy the festivities!