Everyone else seems to have the winners covered, so I decided to put a different spin on my NFL predictions. Since I’ve become so great at picking losers (see my NFL Pick ‘Em record for last season)…that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Here is my dismal group of predicted division losers for the 2007 season, as well as some analysis on why these teams will stay in the cellar:
AFC East Least in the East – Miami Dolphins Last season in the AFC, only 2 teams finished with fewer points…the Raiders and the Browns. I’m not sure why I bought into the Culpepper hype last year, but this year shouldn’t be much different for Trent Green and the sea-dwelling mammals.
Special Note: Last year, I picked the Dolphins to beat the Patriots for the division. They finished dead last with a 6-10 record.
AFC North Dirty Dogs – Cleveland Browns The Bengals’ depth chart still looks like a court docket, but I’ll go with the incumbent Browns to finish last in this division. They were 0-6 last year against division opponents, expect more of the same from the Dawg Pound.
AFC South Everything is Bigger in Texas, Including Losers – Houston Texans Here is another division with 3 tough teams and 1 stink-pile. If Matt Schaub is the savior that leads them to a division title, then I’ll dye my hair blue and donate $1000 to the Paris Hilton for President Campaign.
AFC West Washed Out in the West – Oakland Raiders Do I even need to explain this? New Head Coach Lane Kiffin would have been better off trying to resurrect Britney Spears’ career. Raiders…last.
NFC East A Giant Failure – New York Giants I’m tempted to pick my Eagles as the loser here, just so they will be certain to win it all. Instead, I’m going with a newly crowned failure…the NY Giants. I’m no Tiki Barber fan, but NFL fans will see quickly why he was the true MVP of this team.
But to their credit, I do expect that tempestuous Tom Coughlin will lead the league in tantrums and overall rage rating.
NFC North Not For a Millen Dollars – Detroit Lions Another year, another talented receiver. Not exactly sure how Calvin Johnson will help the defense improve on the 398 points they gave up last year…but maybe Matt Millen knows something we don’t.
Should be another division title for the Bears…even though they are the only team in the NFL that would be upgraded by starting Brett Farve at quarterback.
NFC South Clipped Wings – Atlanta Falcons I’ll go with the Falcons here. Not because I believe the loss of Michael Vick is crippling, but because the addition of Joey Harrington is. News flash – picking up a QB that wasn’t good enough for the Lions or Dolphins may not be the best way to go. Perhaps swiping Kordell Stewart off the Wal-Mart greeter waiver wire would have been a better choice.
Special Note: Last year I picked Tampa Bay to win the division, but just like Paris Hilton…they ended up under everyone.
NFC West Worthless Out West - ??? Every year it seems the Arizona Cardinals are the unanimous sleeper pick to make the playoffs, and every year they are more disappointing than an abstinent prom date. I like the changes they made with the coaching staff, but I think it will take another year for the Cards to turn the corner.
On second thought, I changed my mind…let’s go with the 49ers. Not even the dynamic duo of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton got scored on more last year (412 points, to be exact).
Speaking of losers…
Daunte’s Inferno
Daunte Culpepper should be starting for the Raiders this season, and believe it or not, this is the gig he was hoping for. After getting a dose of the Raiders’ pathetic excuse for an offensive line, he should find his comfort zone. And by that, I mean he’ll be about as comfortable as someone that drops an epic in the unisex bathroom at their office…then realizes the toilet won’t flush.
That’s Hot
Just a quick lesson in football terminology:
8 players in the box 1) A football term used when 8 players crowd the line of scrimmage in order to defend a stellar running attack 2) What happens to Paris Hilton at a post-game party
A Little Belated Credit for T.O.
I have watched the movie Any Given Sunday several times, but never realized that Terrell Owens was in the movie until about a week ago. I was so impressed, that I don’t hesitate in labeling it as the best performance of his career. He finally did the impossible…he scored two touchdowns without saying a single word the whole time.
Now I know why the DVD can only be found in the Fantasy/Fiction section.
Here’s to another great year of football! And remember – without losers, there wouldn’t be winners…
I thought your title was referring to some of the bloggers here. Boy, was I wrong.
And I think I have an effective strategy to win my pick'em league -- make picks that are the opposite of yours. It's kind of like cheating off of the #### that sits in the back of the math class.
Not that you're an #### that ever sat in the back of your math class... right? You meant to have those spiral notebook imprints on your head.
Very nice read indeed. Hey, since you get it wrong so much, maybe I should lay down bets on all your picks to win the Super Bowl. With your luck I'd be a guaranteed winner.
By the way, what should the Raiders do about JaMarcus? Is his holdout a ploy to play elsewhere?
And what's up with the Eagles? Good season or great season?
Thanks for a great Labor Day read, bro.
Last edited by MeanDovine on September 3rd at 5:34 PM.
Ultra, sorry for the misleading title. But that's a good idea for a blog. If anybody is qualified to write about losers...it would probably be me. Or possibly Jay Mohr.
I do intend to redeem myself with football picks this year. While I'm no Alfred Einstein, I think it also a testament to the parity we have in the NFL. A far cry from the MLB...where all 6 of my predicted division winners are very much in contention.
If you would have cheated off me in math class, you would have straight A's to show for it. Of course, that is probably because I beat up the smart kid and stole his papers...but still.
Thanks, MeanD. Not a bad idea for betting. I may take my Bizarro system to Vegas.
The Raiders should secure Russell, and shake things up by making a smart decision or two. I know that goes against their philosophy...but it's time.
Looking for a great season from the Eagles. Time permitting, I was going to try to get something posted on them before next Sunday. For starters, it's nice to have McNabb ready to go. Just hope he can stay healthy.
That's an insensitive writeup, young man!
Throw three hail marys and write a follow up.
Finally, predictions that I'll read and that make sense.
Somehow, I smelled the Detroit and Cards picks coming down the road.
Thanks, husker. Maybe I'll have better luck going this route with my predictions.
I'd say Detroit is a lock...but who knows? The Cards are definitely going in the right direction. The bad news is...that is the only possibility, considering they were at the bottom of the barrel last year.
Shooter I think you shoulda stuck with your Cardinals out west, the Niners are very improved on D and will make a big push for the playoffs, Cards are always losers,lol!
Shooter B
I'm just longing for the NFL season to begin and we can really see what the teams will be about. The Jags cut Byron Leftwich an under achieving quarterback who always appeared to be awkward when he was on the field. And the Pats took it upon themselves to cut Reche' Caldwell. A mistyfiying choice to my mind. But I can't question Belichek as he's proven to be a genius over the years.
just one minor mistake. are you sure it was only 8 players in paris hilton's box? nevermind, you were probably producing the made-for-perverted-old-men video of it.
you didnt happen to read mercury rising's prediction posts did you? i tried reading through the 394 comments and i gotta tell ya, if you get half the response he did, you better prepare yourself for some very very angry raider, texan and browns fans. you missed out on hitting all the numbers in the powerball jackpot though. if only you had dissed the cowboys a little more.
Vearl, you could be right. I think the 49ers are an improved team. I think that NFC West is the toughest division to call at this point. The Cards and Niners are on the way up, and the Rams & Seahawks are holding steady.
Tophat, I'm more than ready for the season as well. There has been a lot of good players being cut around the league, but that happens almost every year. One of the drawbacks to how the NFL rules are set up. Definitely doesn't favor the players, as they can be cut just to clear salary cap space.
Those cuts usually stir up some mild controversy with the media...but more often than not, teams know what they are doing. Leftwich never realized his potential, and is injury prone. And the Pats have more than enough than enough depth.
Cuz, I didn't catch that post...but I'll try and look it up. I almost expected some backlash over some of this...especially from Giants' fans. But it's scary to think that there could be a Houston Texans' fan out there that thinks his team has a chance.
Nice Shooter. Clever and witty as always. Congrats on mention on home page, per Funhouse, and so on.
Also, props to managing to get both Paris and Britney into the same post. Now if you just had managed to squeak in Lohan, you would have had the trifecta. There's always next time right?
Did you really need to embarrass yourself by saying you picked Miami last year? I guess that isn't such a crazy pick. They finished strong.
Jury's out where your other picks are concerned, but I think you've hit the nail right on the head where Miami and Detroit are concerned. In fact, let me supplement your predictions with one of my own: that the 2007 Lions will become the first team in NFL history to finish with an 0-16 regular season record.
Hey, if you get a minute, not to be a pain... but if you do, head back to my Forever Never post and vote on each matchup... it appears that people are doing that and want to have results to a third one... so I'm willing to do that but hoped I would get votes from you (since you stopped by already) and as many people as possible so that the results are better... Cool man... thanks, I owe you!
That one wasn't worth renting just to see to score. If they had shown some "hootage" maybe.
The performance of Ted(or was he Bill?) of a washed up QB was no where near as good as his portrayal of a washed up QB in "Point Break" And I do remember some nippage, albeit small there was still a sighting.
why would i defend favre here? i've given him credit where he's deserved it, but you're pretty accurate in what you said.
well, the vikings would most likely consider him an upgrade, but he wouldnt want to go there anyway and have to throw to (or not throw to) robert ferguson again.
I see why you go by Shooter B! The B stands for BLANKS! LMAO! Where did you get your predictions Ms Cleo? Roll of the dice? Or did you break out that old electric football set and just tap away? A blog like yours is truely a waste. It's guy's like you who cause people to lose their shirts. LMAO! we'll see at the seasons end again if you have any clue!
Nobody ever tries to pick the losers...nice work. I can't say I disagree on most of them, but I would've stuck to my guns and named the Cards as last place in the NFC West. They're just not good enough to win football games. Also, I'd take Joe Gibbs and his Redskins for last place. I think they're going nowhere fast.
Getting in Paris Hilton's box isn't such a bad idea. It wouldn't suck to reap the riches of being Paris Hilton's baby's daddy. Hello, career as a guy that's famous just for the hell of it!
Wow....Raiders in last again? I dont think so. Have you not been paying attention this season or are you reading last yaers material? Raiders are a whole different team with a whole new attitude. Guaranteed to be at least a .500 team this year. Pay attention to whats actually going on on the field and not what you read. Get out from behind the cubicle and try working hard like other real reporters!
Why all the hating on PAris anyway? Are you just mad that your the only guy who has hit on her and failed to do anything with her? Im sure you bought all her drinks that night!!! HAHAHA
Hey Velvet, I like Raiders too, but picking them to finish last in the AFC West is not a tough pick. An 8-8 record is probably a lofty goal and reachable but it won't get them out of last place. The AFC West is a solid division with the Chargers, Broncos, and Chiefs. They will be a better team than the last four years but they have aways to go. They should get the Lions started on their 0-16 season in the opener.
I'd like to see the Niners finish at the bottom of the NFC West, but think the Cards will get the golden albatross on that one. Seahawks 1st, Rams (a distant) 2nd, Niners 3rd and the Redbirds.
I dunno Shooter, I think the Raiders are at least going to get ... 3rd. Seriously. 6-10 and third place would be great. Dear God! Are those my expectations? Bring on 2008... well... 2009. Thankfully we have Cal football around here!!!
Shooter B
Well it's true that several players have been cut. And whilst I'm not surprised by Del Rio's decision with regard to Leftwich. I'm surprised that he's not been picked by anyone as of yet.
He's not a great qb but he's serviceable nonetheless. And that's what most teams'll want in backup quarterback.
I've a new post up titled Real Or Unreal ? You Be The Judge Of That. Make of it what you will and have fun while reading.
The biggest LOSER of 2007 & 2008 is YOU!!! Anyone can teach a #### to spew out negative comments about anything. What kind of pathetic unoriginal name is Shooter B anyway? I can tell you what the B stands for.
Times change & people change! All your 5th grade mentality predictions are soley based on what happend last year. Get a clue on what teams did in the draft & offseason "Shooter of a 1/2 emty squirt gun"! The 49er's are a tough up & coming group & Oakland will suprise some people. Book it!!!
you can talk all you want but don't sleep on the Raiders last year was bad and as a fan i'll admit we sucked but it's a new year a lot of changes it looks promising
All you clown's love the bash the RAIDERNATION. All you keep looking to is last year'S Circus. Any body that has a freaking brain knows the Raiders tanked it last year. It was a circus with that loser #18 being the ring leader and a cancer to N.F.L.'s Greatest team. THANK GOD HE'S IN NEW ENGLAND!!!!! as I might add on the injury shelf. Just like 1980 when all you clown's said the Raiders would be last and the sd lighting duds would go to the Superbowl. How did that end up?? Oh yeah Raiders 27-10 world champs over the eagles, Dont forget the AFC championship game 34-27 beating the sd lightning duds. THE OAKLAND RAIDERS WILL BE BACK IN THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!
You must have hurt the feeling of the "anonymous ones"
49errrrs fan huh, maybe third in the division. And the only way Oakland will surprise anyone is if Al Davis shows up at the first game with Rosie Odonell wearing matching thongs.
Wait that's not really a surprise either.
Unfortunately I was out all day, otherwise I would have responded to all these comments. But as many of you pointed out, I am a loser...and I'm much too lazy to do so now.
But I'll try and tackle the topics anyway.
- Yes, I did base this primarily off of last year's results. Don't the same teams usually fight over the top draft picks every year? Is that a coincidence? You might notice that some of my picks are "new losers". At least those of you that made it past the AFC West paragraph would notice.
- Yes, bashing Paris is kind of my thing...for those of you that don't know. I'm the only one to bash her consistently and not end up with a forest of #### critters.
- Any Given Sunday was an awesome film.
- I have to give the Raider Nation some credit for showing up to defend their team. However, I did not BASH the Raiders...I simply made a prediction based on my personal opinion. Norcal, set these guys straight...will ya?
Hoffman had a good question about the Broncos. Let's see...they had 9 wins last season, even though they switched signal-callers during the season. Some new faces on defense, along with a completely new scheme.
Cutler has some experience under his belt.
I guess my answer would be...I don't know. Shanahan is a good coach, and should be able to put this team in contention for the division.
Or maybe I'm wrong, and the Raiders will own them.
Raiders should not finish last. Tell me the Chefs aren't a worse team this year! Outside of LJ and TG, who they got?? Nobody. Two men does not a team make.
ShooterB - as usual this was great. I am a little concerned about the Vikings, though. Detroit is Detroit but the inability of Brad Childress to open up the playbook means the Vikings blow again this year. But they say he actually has started to develop relationships with his players...and that he has a sense of humor. But we knew that already just by watching his play calling. As for the Raiders...you could base your pick NOT just on last year but for the last few years at least. A continuing effort in futility there...and Culpepper isn't going to be the answer. And just for the record...the Paris box comment was classic, Spears is a walking disaster area and Lohan is, well...spoiled??? Good job ShooterB.
Thanks, SevereOne. And hey, good luck to the Cubbies. Might as well root for them since my Pirates are at fighting for the cellar.
As for the Raiders & Chiefs...
The Chiefs won 9 games last year. Damon Huard outplayed Trent Green by a mile, and is in charge again this year (although he did play a little over his head). The O-line is built for the running game (see Larry Johnson, 1700+ yds last year).
And for all the talk about the Chiefs poor defense, the Raiders allowed more points last year. The Raiders do have some talent on D, but until they get things fixed on offense...primarily with the O-line, they will struggle to win games. Last year, the Raiders put up only 168 points...compared to Kansas City's 331. A lot of people blamed that on the QB, but it was the O-line...and the entire system of players.
I like Daunte as a QB, but the same thing happened last year in Miami. One guy can't save a mediocre team. Great football starts with the O-line.
The Raiders finished 7 games behind everyone else in the division, so they have a lot of work to do.
As for Any Given Sunday, well...pretty much every sports movie has that type of ending. The only one I can think of that didn't was Friday Night Lights, which was excellent (although it was based on a true story, so they really didn't have a choice about the ending).
Thanks, gcoach. I think the Vikings could take a step forward this year with their young talent, but we'll have to wait and see. Maybe it is about the coaching, as you suggested.
I like their depth at running back, and also Holcomb was a good pick-up as a veteran QB. The linebacking group is impressive with E.J. Henderson and Greenway. And I know you have to be excited about Adrian Peterson being in Minnesota. Hopefully the O-line can perform well for them (nice to have Hutchinson as the anchor).
Spears is a walking disaster. Everytime she wants some free press, she just gives the paparazzi a shot of her bare tail.
Selected as a finalist in the 2nd "Next Great Sportswriter" contest, but I didn't bring enough cowbell to win it.
I am the self-appointe d chairman of the National Sarcasm Society. If you don't believe me, I guess I don't really care...
I enjoy reading anything that is well written...nov els, articles, whatever. I also enjoy writing for recreation. I believe that writers and athletes have the best jobs on the planet.
