What better way to kick off the season than an ole’ fashioned football party with my blog buddies. Here is recap of the festivities…
ShooterB paces in his living room, 30 minutes before kickoff. “I wonder if anyone will show up”, he asks his brother, ShooterC.
“You bet they will. If not, what will I do with all these grilled cheese sandwiches”, replies Shooter’s Steeler-crazed brother.
There is a knock at the door…
“Hey, FlyingPig! How the hell are you buddy? I see you brought Ricko and TheDan with you. Awesome! What’s that? Oh, you had to carpool because someone stole your Pacer. Sorry to hear that. But come in and try to enjoy yourself anyway(interrupted by Dan)…No, Dan…I don’t have any Molson.”
“Oh my gosh, look what the cat dragged in…it’s Miracle. How’s it…wait a second. Who is that in your car? Is that…Sally? What are doing with Miracle? I thought we had something special. Wow, this is awkward. Alright, go ahead and come on in. I’ll be cool. Just caught me by surprise, that’s all. And Miracle, I’ll deal with you later.”
Shortly after Miracle’s arrival…ShooterB is sulking in a dark corner of his bedroom with a bottle of Maker’s Mark Bourbon. ShooterC walks in to see what’s wrong.
“I can’t believe it. Betrayed by my own friend! What do I do?” asks a heartbroken ShooterB.
ShooterC replies, “Didn’t you lose rights to Sally in a poker game during the Pig Roast?”
“Oh yeah. OK, Party on!”…
ShooterB walks back in the living room just in time to greet a few new arrivals to the party. “CarolynT, nice to see you. Wow, thanks for bringing the deviled eggs, hot wings, nachos, rack of lamb, stuffed mushrooms, and cheesecake. I was planning on just serving this 12 lb bag of tortilla chips…but this works much better.”
CarolynT whispers to ShooterB, “Psst, hey Shooter…keep the swine society away from me. Hogfan just showed up with a basket of apples. I’m leaving the second this gets out of hand.”
Shooter yells across the room, “Hey, Hogfan…I told you no apples! Put that basket outside pronto. And I mean it.”
The phone rings…
“Hey, keep it down guys…I’m on the phone.”
“Hello…hey Smoke, how are you? What do you mean you can’t make it? No, I don’t have any bail money…what in the heck did you do? Oh, I saw that in the paper…so you were that crazy Cubs fan that went ballistic on Dusty Baker. How is he anyway, out of the hospital yet? OK, I’ll give my best to the gang. NO, I won’t bail you out! Geez…”
Hangs up phone…
“OK, what did I miss? Charlie Batch just threw a touchdown to Hines Ward? You must be joking.”
By then, several more bloggers had arrived including - Bengals, Norcalfella, MustardMan, Burger21, Siddhartha, Cuzzifer, HalfBaked, Nooch, Gcoach, and SouthernCindi…
“Hold up for a second guys, is there even enough room in here for everyone. I invited more bloggers that may show up later. Wait a second, where did Ricko and Miracle go? And where is my bottle of bourbon? And my lighter fluid? Uh oh, I have a bad feeling about this.”
The door swings open abruptly, and the room stops…
“Hey, it’s Tophatal! Who are these lovely ladies you brought with you? WHAT?! They are your girlfriend? All 3 of them? Why are they wearing bikinis? OK, come on in. But be warned, there are swine among us. Right over…oh ####, where is Hogfan and FP? And where is that basket of apples?”
“Forget it. Ricko, get me a drink…I’m going to sit down and watch the game for a bit. Why are you giggling? What’s in this drink anyway?”
“Wow, that Ronnie Brown looks impressive. 2 touchdowns already. Hey, Burger…don’t cry buddy. It’s only one game, and there is plenty of time for the Steelers to come back. What’s that? Oh, you’re crying because they put Nyquil in your beer? Hey, don’t worry…you’ll get used to the taste. But the TV is over here, why are yelling at the wall?”
“Look, Morisato brought some Chico’s tacos. Awesome. Go ahead and share with the group. Just make sure the path to the bathroom is clear.”
The room roars at a big run by Willie Parker to end the 3rd quarter…
Miracle stands up and addresses the room, “Listen up everybody. I have a joke for you. Paris Hilton walks into a bar with a priest, a linebacker, and a donkey…”
ShooterB interrupts, “That’s enough Dr. Phil McCracken, the game is back on.”
“A fumble in the red zone? Oh sweet Moses! Settle down everyone. No, no, no!”
An earth shattering kaboom brings silence to the room…
“Thanks a lot! Now the TV is broken. I rented this plasma screen just for the party. Now what are we gonna do? I guess we’ll make the best of it. Who’s up for a game of Twister? FlyingPig, get the game ready.”
After a chaotic scramble the door, the room is cleared except for FlyingPig, Hogfan, and SouthernCindi…
“Why did everyone leave? Oh no, why is the apple basket empty? Get out of here Hogfan.”
Hours later, Ricko emerges from the bathroom…
“What’s up, Ricko?”
“Don’t ask”, replies a green and pale faced Ricko.
We may need to have a backup TV just in case. And no hard feelings about Sally, right bro? It’s over between us anyway, it appears that she was intrigued by Hogfan’s conversation and invitation to try the “disappearing apple trick”, I never could talk her into trying a game of “hide the hatchet” didn’t know se was into swine and macintosh’s.
I couldn’t risk hauling around that much woman anyway, I was waiting until next payday to reinforce the shocks in the “Vulva” but now I can use that money for more Nyquil and Ripple for the weekend football party. It is at your place, right?
No hard feelings. Like I said, my Nyquil induced coma made me forget that I gambled her away. If her and hogfan end up working out, I'll even by them a housewarming gift.
Apple queen Granny Smith must be rolling over in her grave...
And I don't think the next party is at my place. It stinks to high hog heaven in here. But then again, it didn't really smell that good before the party either.
good stuff...now i'll have an excuse why i cant remember anything tomorrow when someone asks me what happened. i'm tellin' ya, nothing beats eating 3 pounds of tortilla chips and drinking 4 bottles of nyquil. mmmm mmmm good.
hopefully, i wont wake up naked on the front lawn of the sorority house this time. on second thought, that sounds like a pretty good place to end up, provided i dont get tossed out of the 2nd story window again.
You can blame it on me, cuz! And I wouldn't complain about waking up naked in a sorority house lawn. But I guess that 2nd story fall might cause for some soreness the next day.
I may call in sick tomorrow and blame it on the party...
might as well call in for monday and tuesday while you're at it. bring what's left of the alcohol over to the sorority house, and we'll get another party going....but leave miracle, pig and all them other slobs there. we dont need them ruining our fun.
Sounds like a plan. But those slobs will find a way to show up anyway. Unfortunately, sorority girls might find the slop-slingers charming. Oh well. That's what the booze is for. But no more Nyquil!
our only hope is that they end up at the D O G house, like in the movie "sorority boys." i dont think their standards are very high, so my guess is they'd just stick around there while we party with the hot chicks.
Whoa!!! We are throwing some epic parties lately. My head is killing me. Sorry for the delay, but I just woke up and drank a glass of water with 25 alka seltzer tablets in it.
WHAT...You want to do this again for Sunday Night Football??? Okay, I'll call Hog and tell him to bring the apples.
I was only yelling because someone stole my hoagie!!!
LOL - Great stuff buddy, and I actually am quite fond of NyQuil...that is fond of slipping it into my kids' applesauce when they've reached my limit or momma has that twinkle in her eye...
Thanks for letting me come to the party and next time I'll bring more pepperoni rolls.
Last edited by burger21 on September 8th at 6:10 AM.
Cuz, ain't nothing wrong with the DOG house. Well, at least if you're a pig there isn't. I hope you have some smooth pick up lines for those ladies.
And ed...I'm glad you could stop by for the game. You're always welcome. I hope that you were entertained despite some fairly disturbing displays. We appreciate you keeping order in the realm of Shooter.
FP, I think if there were 25 Alka Seltzer tablets in there...you would explode in less than 15 seconds. Or maybe your swine stomach can handle it. Sunday night? I think not. You know how long it will take me to clean all this mess up. Plus, when there are still people out on the lawn! I thought they left, but I was wrong. RICKO, WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Might want to check his pulse, or at least pour a cup of hot coffee on his head.
Dan, I'm sorry about the Molson. Smoketheblowfish was in charge of bringing it, but he couldn't make it. But we have plenty of Tecate & Corona...
Burger...that is funny and disturbing at the same time. If you ever need a good sleep, it's the only way to fly. Thanks for rolling in to the party...and the pepperoni rolls went over well. Bring more next time, but also fetch some Iron City Beer while you're at it.
Ricko, you're alive! What the hell are you doing with a spatula still in your hand? I don't remember you doing any cooking. Go ahead and get up...go figure out who's pants you are wearing, and get some coffee.
Ricko, I just don't know. I don't even remember owning a Fridge mask. Go figure.
Cindi, thanks for showing up. And sorry that the Dolphins didn't win. But nice to see you enjoyed the game of Twister. I see that you two are twisted, but the game has been over for hours. What's up with that?
Hogfan...I don't know if they have psychiatrists for pigs, but you may want to check into it. Before you know it, you'll be spending your entire paycheck on apples. And when does it stop? Last time it was one apple, this time a whole basket full. Get a hold of yourself, swine!
shooter- i guess you missed it when hog snuck out and planted 3 apple trees on your front lawn. the only drawback is they wont produce any apples for a while...well, that and it pretty much guarantees he'll keep coming over for the next...oh, 40 years or so to harvest them all.
some guys plant magic beans, others plant apple trees.
cuz, they were actually crapapple trees. And then, as if I havent been stove up enough lately, Shooter serves cheese sandwiches. I'm going out for some Ex-Lax, be right back. Shooter, no sense cleaning up yet.
Last edited by hogfan480618 on September 8th at 8:44 AM.
Great, now I have to worry about these apple trees too. I would have preferred magic beans. I knew that we should have hired someone to supervise hogfan during the party. If you don't keep an eye on him 24/7, you're bound to be sorry.
Guess I'll put the mop away for now. Geez hog, you didn't have to eat 7 of the sandwiches. Not to mention all those tortilla chips and queso. I used 2 blocks of Velveeta making that queso, and you ate almost all of it. You may need to call a plumber to get those pipes working again.
Cuz, come on dude...you gotta tell me if you're having a party! I won't tell these slobs.
Or were you talking about me?
And Cindi, you guys look so cute snuggled up on the Twister mat like that. If you want him to release you, just explain that my friend the pork butcher is due to be here in a while.
OMG! It worked! I never saw Piglet move so fast! Thanks ShooterB! LOL! Great party by the way. Are you coming over on Saturday night to watch the Richmond race? Hmmmm????????
I don't know who will be hosting that one. And how can I make it to that and Cindi's race party? Oh yeah, my magic carpet. I'm good.
Drink all the Tecate you want. But don't forget the lime. By the way, do you add anything to Canadian beer like that? Instead of lime, what is it? Do you just float a maple leaf or something?
Yes, bring that bacon...not that I've ever heard of it. I'm assuming it's Canadian Bacon.
You want to host that party? Or we could tail-gate it, and have a massive road trip. Dan, you steal the Madden-cruiser...and pick up everyone along the way. Of course, I'll probably be the last one you pick up down here in NM. Better start the bus and get moving. Hurry, hurry!
Last edited by ShooterB on September 8th at 9:42 AM.
And poor ricko, that bathroom is never going to be the same.
I vote for the massive road trip for the OSU-UT game. Advice to Dan in going for the Madden-cruiser, the big guy can be lured outside by the smell of pizza, pastries, or anything deep fried. Good luck.
Anything I can do to help for the big road trip, Shooter?
Iron City Light is a much better beer, and somebody needs to dispose of this homemade apple cider. It’s kind of chunky and it smells funny. Shooter if you’ve got a fire hose I’ll help you clean up, I’m not sure if I can get the final score written in pig #### off the wall. May need some stain killing primer or maybe just burn the wall.
I think the next party with this crowd needs to be held outside in a disposable tent and the TV should be in a “pig proof” cage.
Nooch...thanks for stopping by. Take some Advil and have some coffee.
Ricko AND that bathroom will never be the same. In fact, I'm never going in there again.
The road trip in the Madden Cruiser sounds awesome. Whoever is driving needs to use CarolynT's map to find where everyone is at. Nooch, I don't recall where you are. Wait, somewhere in the Golden State...right?
If you can just bring some party goods, that's about it. But also, if you have a cage large enough for one very foul pig...please have it placed on top of the Madden Cruiser ASAP. Hogfan can go, but should be outside of the wagon and locked in a cage. Heaven help anyone driving behind the Madden Cruiser. See you later when it gets to NM.
Miracle, I would advise against trying the apple cider. Now that I think of it, that may have been what sent ricko screaming into the bathroom.
If you will be joining the tailgate party, please bring some Iron City Light with you. I've already called the Fire Department for clean-up duty. Unfortunately, that was a bad move...as my house has now been quarantined and declared a national disaster area.
Not to change the subject, (well, okay, maybe just a little . . .), but Michelle Wie missed yet another cut. I just posted a few brief lines about it. I couldn't resist.
Last edited by ricko on September 8th at 10:09 AM.
Definitely the blog of the week. That must have been some party, I can barely remember a thing, I'm just lucky I woke up in my own bed this morning....
ShooterB: You HAVE to come over Saturday night! This should be an interesting race. I'm starting the smoker now for the babyback ribs! Hmmm...Do you know how to make potato salad? If not, I'll make it myself..just BYOB! LOL!
Ricko, nice job on the recovery. How can you write after the night you had? Kudos, I'll have to check it out.
Glad you made it home HalfBaked. And this was quite a party, but I'm expected an even better one from the Madden Cruiser road trip. By the way, thanks for bringing that soggy half-baked cake. You didn't leave it in the oven long enough.
Hey...I'm not leaving. You slobs didn't leave the Pig Roast for the better part of a week. I'm here through Sunday Night Football and the battle of the Manning Brothers.
Oh Cindi, you ask what I did with your biscuit. You know exactly what happened to that biscuit!!!
Shooter...don't worry about cleaning the place up. Ricko brought is leaf blower, some home grown mixed with kentucky blue grass and a gallon of Boonsfarm wine. He keeps mumbling "caaaanonbbbballlll" or something like that.
Last edited by FlyingPig on September 8th at 11:03 AM.
Everyone's invited to the Hog Pen for the OSU-Texas game. I got Charlie Daniels for the house band, and I promise no apples. We're gonna roast a steer.
McDonald is gone to market, and this little pig stayed home, heheh. We've got the run of the place. In-ground pool, dish TV, and Southern Belles. We'll have tractor races and the girls 'll be mud 'rasslin. Y'all come on in, make yourself at home.
Bacon...check
Syrup...check
Labatt...check
Date...Pending Game
Madden Cruiser...Pick me up a 8, don't be late. I'll be in the Customs Office at Niagara border.
Later this month we'll be having a party, Canadian-Style.
FP, OK...if you're staying, then be a pal and fetch me a Sam Adams. No, don't look in the phonebook...I meant a beer!
Hogfan...sorry to spoil your party. But...the Madden Cruiser will be by soon. We just installed an astroturf patio on top of the bus, and we're going to bring your party with us. If we have to use force, we will. This party will be rollin'...
Selected as a finalist in the 2nd "Next Great Sportswriter" contest, but I didn't bring enough cowbell to win it.
I am the self-appointe d chairman of the National Sarcasm Society. If you don't believe me, I guess I don't really care...
I enjoy reading anything that is well written...nov els, articles, whatever. I also enjoy writing for recreation. I believe that writers and athletes have the best jobs on the planet.
