Thursday, August 16, 2007

Washington, D.C.

Domestic Use of Spy Satellites To Widen

Law Enforcement Getting New Access To Secret Imagery

The Bush administration has approved a plan to expand domestic access to some of the most powerful tools of 21st-century spycraft, giving law enforcement officials and others the ability to view data obtained from satellite and aircraft sensors that can see through cloud cover and even penetrate buildings and underground bunkers.

Oversight of the department's use of the overhead imagery data would come from officials in the Department of Homeland Security and from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence and would consist of reviews by agency inspectors general, lawyers and privacy officers. "We can give total assurance" that Americans' civil liberties will be protected, Allen said. "Americans shouldn't have any concerns about it."

February 3, 2008

Phoenix

Cowboys Complete Perfect Season, Down Houston in Super Bowl XLII

The Dallas Cowboys completed the first perfect season since the 1972 Miami Dolphins went 14-0 by downing the Houston Texans 40-0.

“I knew preseason we’d be good, but I had no idea we’d be THIS good,” a beaming Wade Phillips said. “It was almost as if we could do no wrong.”

“But what a story those Texans are. For an expansion team to go undefeated until the Super Bowl…pretty amazing, don’t you think?”

Other coaches around the league have seemed befuddled while facing these two teams all season long. “It’s uncanny…it’s like they’d come out of the locker room at halftime and they’d know exactly what we were going to do the second half,” Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren was heard to say.

Coach Phillips received a congratulatory video message from President Bush after the game.

June 15, 2008

Dallas

Mavericks Win First NBA Championship, Defeat Wizards in 4

The Dallas Mavericks are the new NBA Champions, following an unvbelievable sweep of every round of the playoffs.

“Unfreakingbelievable!” shouted owner Mark Cuban. “This is just awesome!”

The Mavericks, riding high following a 72-9 regular season, breezed through the playoffs seemingly without effort. The Wizards, 71-10 during the season and likewise undefeated during the early playoff rounds, were no match for the Mavs.

Other coaches around the league have seemed befuddled while facing these two teams all season long. “It’s uncanny…it’s like they’d come out of the locker room at halftime and they’d know exactly what we were going to do the second half,” Lakers coach Phil Jackson was heard to say.

Coach Avery Johnson received a congratulatory video message from President Bush after the game.

June 5, 2008

Las Vegas

Veep Cheney Wins Fifth Straight WSOP Bracelet

In an unbelievable and unprecedented run, Vice President #### Cheney has won his fifth consecutive World Series of Poker bracelet. “Who knew he even played poker?”, eleven-time bracelet winner Phil Helmuth whined.

“I don’t care who the hell he is, he’s a donk,” railed Mike “The Mouth” Matusow. “He has no clue of pot odds or anything. How can you play against an #### like that?”

Other players have seemed befuddled while facing Cheney this World Series. “It’s uncanny…it’s like he knows what our hole cards are” Howard Lederer was heard to say.

Pro Andy Bloch claims that there is something improper going on. “Look at that thing in his ear…you tell me he’s not cheating somehow”.

Cheney’s response to allegations of cheating were, “It’s an extension of my pacemaker. #### you. Go away.”

Cheney received a congratulatory video message from President Bush after the game.

September 29, 2008

Arlington, Texas

Rangers Finish Last Again

The Texas Rangers have finished at the bottom of the American League West yet again.

“Somehow I thought this year would be different,” bemoaned Coach Ron Washington in his second year at the helm.

“But after all—we are still the Texas Rangers.”

So, I find myself sitting down at the computer over the last few days, and committing one of the cardinal sins of online poker. I'm buying into tournaments that are way over a small fraction of my "bankroll"...the money I have deposited (or won via freerolls) on any given site. In fact, as I write this, I'm playing a tournament that takes over 90% of my bankroll there. And why? Because it may be my very last chance...

 You see, Mr. Frist, Senate Majority Leader, has managed to screw the people again (in the name of "what's good for us"). The online gambling ban died early last week...or so we thought. But Mr. Frist managed to attach it to the Port Security Bill. Real revalent, huh? I know that's business as usual in politics. But because this conservative #### decides he wants to protect us from ourselves, he snuck this bill in under the radar. Heck, everyone wants our ports secure, right? Who's going to vote against this because of some silly little gambling law?

 
So, where does that leave us online poker players? No one really knows just yet. Speculation is that it could be over as early as tomorrow...or that there will be no effect on online poker at all. I suspect the real answer is somewhere in between.

The World Series of Poker has grown to huge proportions...much to the chagrin of some. I suspect that if online poker is indeed crippled, the WSOP will shrink back to being mainly pros. How many of us can afford to buy in for $10,000 for the main event? Not many.

Thank you, Mr. Frist, for protecting us against ourselves. (Now where is that sarcasm font when I need it?)

I have a theory as to why poker has experienced such an incredible boom…

Many men my age (late 40s) grew up idolizing baseball players. The fantasy of coming to the plate in game 7 of the world series, two outs, bases loaded, down by 3, was played over and over and over in our young minds. The dream of playing the game at the highest level, day in and day out, was all-consuming. We didn’t even consider the money aspect. Just to be PLAYING every day, instead of trudging off to work like our fathers, called to many of us.

For a lot of us, the call never went away. Even well after it became practical to think about it, the dream/fantasy persisted. At the age of forty, I joked with my best friend about waiting for the call from the Cubs after Ryne Sandberg retired. We both knew it was impossible, but somewhere in the back of our minds, were the headlines in the sports pages about the unknown “old” rookie burst onto the scene.

Once I FORCED myself to become more realistic (a very tall task, to be sure), the fantasy became managing a floundering team. The exasperated owner, after firing his manager, would proclaim that “any random #### could do a better job”, and stick a finger into the phone book and come up with my name. Off I’d go to rescue the team. But this fantasy never had quite the same appeal as playing.

(A side note…I think very few of our kids growing up have the same baseball fantasy. It’s been replaced by the basketball fantasy, for the most part).

Then, a few years ago…poker hit television. There we were, watching stacks of chips, hole cards, and big money payouts. And as we watched, we realized…these are not, for the most part, young, good looking, athletic people. They were ORDINARY guys…hell, they were guys like us! To be sure, the young guys were there, and the really old guys, and the women…but there were guys like us, with disappearing hair, guts, arms that couldn’t get a ball from center field to home plate on the fly.

And…once some of us poked around on line for a while, and did some reading…found out that we could play too! We could win play money sit n go’s, a freeroll tournament…and eventually, a very low limit online tournament. Then we followed with the venture to the local casino…where we got stomped for a while. But eventually we’d finish barely in the money, then on up the ladder a ways, and then, hey, a win! Granted, there were LOTS of losses in between…but no matter. After all, if closers have to have a short memory…so can poker players!

So, the baseball fantasy became replaced…with the final table WSOP or WPT fantasy. And let me tell you, my friends, that fantasy is alive and well. This year, our local 40 person tourney…next year, Main Event WSOP! At least, in my imagination…