ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. had emergency cranial surgery just hours after his appearance on Sportscenter last night. Doctors believe that he will fully recover and should leave the hospital within the week.

Kiper has been a fixture on ESPN for a decade. His draft analysis segments on the network are a fan favorite and he also does a daily radio show. For the last several years, he has fought a private battle against a rare disease that is slowly transforming him. Helmethairalitis is so rare in fact, that Mel Kiper, Jr. is the only known person in the world to currently be afflicted with the disease. Years ago, Las Vegas entertainer Wayne Newton also suffered from a form of the debilitating illness. Fortunately for him, doctors caught it before it was too late..

Often referred to as “Helmet Hair”, the disease is apparently irreversible in Kiper’s specific situation. Researchers claim that his individual hair follicles and strands have mutated. They seem to be infused with a titanium graphite alloy that is impervious to scissors or motorized clippers. His hair has been growing at an alarming rate since the 2000 Draft. Since attempts to halt its growth were unsuccessful, doctors were left with no choice but to take radical action. 

Last night’s surgery was an effort to finally make the transformation complete and speed up the disease’s natural course. Using titanium screws and chicken wire, doctors fused a football face mask to Kiper’s cranium (see photos below). It will take several weeks to heal completely. A second surgery may be necessary down the road to affix a chin strap. As for now, Kiper should be back to work at ESPN in several days and he will be ready for full contact drills by the middle of February.

I grew up listening to Hip-Hop music. I grew up break dancing… the first time around. I grew up wearing fat laces in my Adidas. I grew up tagging my break dancing name (Krash, by the way) wherever I could. I grew up Hip-Hop. I still love Hip-Hop.

Feeling the way I do about the lifestyle, it sickens me to watch Hip-Hop get exploited by the sports world... the very same sports world that shuns it when it suits them.

The NBA implemented a dress policy this season that is obviously aimed at the black athlete and at the Hip-Hop generation. The problem? That same generation has lifted the league to the heights it’s at now. The NBA is arguably more successful and powerful than it has ever been in its history.

The Hip-Hop generation drives the retail market for NBA gear to the tune of millions of dollars a year. When was the last time you heard Black Sabbath playing in the background of an NBA game? Do you honestly think that if kids didn’t see rap stars wearing NBA jerseys and caps that they would sell the way they do? And if it isn’t the black youth of America buying their gear, the white youth of suburban America are buying it in bulk so that they can emulate the black youth, who emulate their Hip-Hop icons. Funny, huh?

The NBA wants Hip-Hop to buy the ingredients, cook the meal, set the table, and serve the food. They just won’t allow Hip-Hop to pull a chair up to the table.

I was watching an NFL game on Saturday and noticed that during a replay, the producers chose Hip-Hop as the background music. Three old white guys doing commentary over break beats. That’s hilarious! Those very same guys will then condemn number 84 for the amount of bling he might be wearing. Now, I don’t know about you, but it’s disturbing to me to hear old white guys say “bling”, but what’s worse is that in the same breath, they knock the culture that they just borrowed a word from. It’s hypocritical.

So what do I see last night during the Fiesta Bowl (where my Buckeyes manhandled Notre Dame)? The graphics team for the game used graffiti style images featuring…brace yourselves… graffiti artists spray painting walls all game long. The other problem here is that they can show those images without repercussions. Now, if they showed those very same images in a Hip-Hop video, the producers would be accused of promoting vandalism. When the Dixie Chicks did a video for “Earl had to Die” depicting them planning and executing his murder, it was cute. But if a Hip-Hop group does that same video, it may not get any airplay and deal with a swarm of negative publicity. By the way, isn’t it funny how the Dixie Chicks got away with that video, but were crucified for basically saying that George Bush sucks?

I will be the first to say that the negative images in Hip-Hop don't help. I despise the booty shaking videos and constant mention of weed, champagne and jewelry. Like anything, it can go too far sometimes. You can live and experience the culture without perpetuating the stereotypes. For every 50 Cent, there are a handful of intelligent, positive artists who will never be fully appreciated. Although, I did see Talib Kwali's promo for the Big Ten.

In the end, as far as Corporate America goes, Hip-Hop will always be that cool friend your parents never knew you had. You’d do anything just to hang out with him, but you knew you could never take him back to your neighborhood. Or the fat girlfriend who you never told your friends about, but you couldn’t stay away from because the sex was so good.

Hey, Major Sports World! Fat girls have friends… and they talk.

As I sit to write this last blog, I think of how much I will miss all of this. I have definitely read more than I have written (I went for the quality over quantity thing). Aside from the blogs, your personal stories were interesting as well. To know that there are other aspiring writers (housewives, mechanics, models, & lawyers) out there who have taken the opportunity to scratch this itch, if only for a short time, is refreshing and inspiring.

I entered this contest because for years, friends have told me that they love my writing and that I should pursue it somehow. I don’t have a college education, so my professional options are slim, but this contest provided an outlet for me to put my ideas out there. I hope that you all enjoyed my work as much as I enjoyed and respected many of yours. I know that I didn’t go the statistics filled, know it all, Jim Rome wanna-be route on most of my blogs, but I save that stuff for arguing with my friends. If anything, I hope you got a laugh or two out of what I wrote.

I want to wish everyone the best of luck and I hope that whoever wins this thing takes full advantage of any doors it may open in the future. I know I would.

About Sandy Bunkerman

Sandy Bunkerman is really Nelson Morales. I grew up in Lorain, Ohio, just west of Cleveland. I have played, eaten, slept, and breathed sports my whole life. I still try (to my wife’s dismay). I am a golf nut with an 8 handicap. I currently reside in Columbus, Ohio with my wife Mandy and our daughters Sinead and Sophia. I have been a professional hairstylist for 14 years. My business is called "Running with Scissors: a Don’t Try This At Home company". If any of you would like to remain in contact to exchange future blog info, contact me at mrmorales2u@wowway.com

Not really us, but too funny not to share.

In a move that is sure to rock the basketball world, Allen Iverson has left the Philadelphia 76ers and the NBA. His 76er teammates are in shock. They had been looking for him to help them bounce back from a recent loss to the Hawks and lead them against a tough Denver Nuggets team tonight. They will now have to finish the season without him. 

Why did Allen Iverson leave the NBA? Iverson’s camp gave me an exclusive, and I was as shocked as you will be. Allen Iverson has signed to play for the Mexico City Cucarachas of the Mexican Basketball Association, where the six footer will be the tallest player in the league. It seems that Iverson feels he has done all he can in the NBA and has proven that he can play against the giants of the game. He wants a new challenge. According to our insiders, Iverson said, “I want to know what it’s like to be Shaq.”

Last night, he had that opportunity. With virtually no media hype, he played his first game with his new team against the Cancun Tamales. Mr. Iverson recorded an astounding 26 blocked shots and score 112 points in his debut. He also had the first dunk in league history. The unfortunate, posterized soul who will be on every Mexican teenager’s wall for years to come was 5’6” power forward Julio Hernandez, a perennial MBA All-Star and all-time league rebound leader.

My sources claim that the NBA’s mandatory dress code also had a lot to do with Iverson’s decision. It seems that the Mexican Basketball Association allows their players to dress however they please… even during games. However, there is one rule that the MBA enforces. It concerns tattoos. Within the first two months with the league, each player must receive a Virgin Mary tattoo somewhere on his body. Iverson apparently has no problem with this mandate, and plans to visit his personal tattoo artist within the week.

The Mexican Basketball Association had been looking for a marquee player since Eduardo Najera, the tallest Mexican in history, turned down offers from the league in 2000. Najera opted to join the NBA and is now with the very same Denver Nuggets Iverson would have been suiting up against tonight, had he not made this surprising move.

Cucarachas Head Coach Emilio Romero declined interviews and cancelled his nightly radio show, so even the Mexican media is left to speculate what Iverson’s arrival means for the MBA. One can only imagine that other teams will look to add their own six footers. Rumor has it that the MBA teams are offering competitive contract terms and are throwing in convertible 1964 Chevrolet Impalas as signing bonuses.

Only time will tell whether other little big men will head south, but for right now, the MBA is Allen Iverson’s personal playground.

A recent study at the London University of International Medicine has proven that there is a definitive link between sports dreams and the phenomenon referred to as Morning Wood. Researches have come to this conclusion after three years of the intensive testing of over 200 male subjects.

For years, it had been widely accepted that the “unprovoked erection” was caused by friction, pressure from the bladder while sleeping, and nocturnal sexual fantasies during REM sleep. As results began to poor in, it became more and more obvious that dreams of scoring a goal in the World Cup produced twice as many cases of Morning Wood than sexual dreams.

Even more interesting was the fact that men who had never participated in organized sports had three times as many cases of Morning Wood due to sports related dreams. Doctors believe that this anomaly is cause by a spike in testosterone levels. Most men who have not competed in sports during their youth often feel less masculine around their sports obsessed counterparts. Doctors feel that these men compensate by subconsciously producing testosterone spewing alter egos that dominate the sport landscape of their subconscious minds.     

Aside from waking up thinking you can now challenge your three-time State Heavyweight Champion roommate to a wrestling match, there are several side effects of Morning Wood that men should keep an eye out for. The first is the total disappearance of any ability to aim your urinary flow while you have Morning Wood. Standing up to pee seems like a curse at times like this. The second is referred to as “scuba ####”. This is what happens when you try to have a BM while suffering from Morning Wood. If your little friend dips below the water line, you can just start calling him Captain Nemo.

Dr. Will B. Flacid, III M.D. says that many of his initial test subjects were American males from the University of Michigan. They had to be excused from the study. Apparently, their recurring nightmares of Michigan being defeated by Ohio State four out of the last five years had caused their ####es and testicles to actually shrink during sleep. This is referred to as “The Turtle and the Road Kill Hare"” in the scientific world.

As you can tell, and as you were hoping, this article is totally fictitious. Incidentally, I did wake up with Morning Wood this morning, but doctors say that it’s a good thing. It means you have good urinary health and are a ways off from having to purchase any little blue pills. I don’t know if the London University of International Medicine exists, but if it does, there may be hope for Michigan fans yet. Not!!

Have a great Holiday!!! Go Bucks!!!

So, wimpification isn't really a word, but it should be. I made the word up and I’m not sure if I spelled it right. Anyway, it is exactly what is happening to young athletes all over this great country of ours.  We have coddled and babied our children into thinking everything is easy and that no one ever loses.

Remember the old days of youth baseball when you didn’t start out by hitting the ball off of a tee? I was seven years old when I played my first season of organized baseball. I got hit by 16 pitches that year.  Sure, the guys throwing to me had the control of blind epileptics, but I got right back in the batter’s box when it was my turn to hit again. Amazingly, or not, I am still alive today.  

Despite what the brilliant minds of child psychology think, getting hit by pitches, sitting the bench, getting yelled at, and …hold on to your seats people… LOSING have actually helped me develop into a well rounded, goal oriented person with a firm grip on reality.  Imagine that? Through the trials and tribulations of a young athlete, I learned lessons that I could always look back at and use as tools to succeed in life.  NEVER GIVE UP. TRY HARDER NEXT TIME. DO YOUR BEST. BRUSH IT OFF.  YOU SUCK!

Okay. “You Suck” is kind of harsh. But guess what? Some people suck at things. The problem is that now, everyone is so afraid of their kid failing (sucking) at something that they have created whole new versions of America’s great sports. Versions that have no winners or losers; Versions where they never have to feel bad about their performance; Versions where every kid gets to bat every inning; Versions that allow parents to live vicariously through their children because…you guessed it…they sucked when they were kids!

I saw a show on television that talked about a movement by some in the teaching and child psychology communities that were attempting to ban dodge ball from schools across America. Not because of the violent nature of being pelted by a textured rubber ball, but because some kids might feel bad about getting put out of the game early on a regular basis. They even want the gym teachers to have the kids jump rope without a rope. Why? Well, if they don’t actually have a rope they can never mess up. This ensures that the kids always feel good about themselves. Unfortunately, this also ensures that kids grow up to be out of touch with reality. They won’t always win. The person they like may not like them. They might not get into the college of their choice. They might not get their dream job.  They might be a garbage man (Executive Sanitation Engineer) when they grow up. What will they do then? Jump off a bridge?

Let the children play. Let them play the games the way they were meant to be played. So they lose a few games. So they only get two hits all season. So they’re second string nose tackle. So what?  The point of it all is to compete, stay out of trouble, make friends, and learn some lessons along the way.

So throw away the tees, put nine guys in the field, keep score, heckle the pitcher, leave the rim at ten feet, call traveling, put ice on that bruise, walk it off, suck it up, high five, jump for joy, throw your helmet, tell Johnny’s Dad he can’t coach the team this year (or any year), and let it all hang out. The good, the bad, and the ugly. That’s what memories, life and well adjusted people are made of.

No children's feelings were harmed during the writing of this blog.