ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. had emergency cranial surgery just hours after his appearance on Sportscenter last night. Doctors believe that he will fully recover and should leave the hospital within the week.

Kiper has been a fixture on ESPN for a decade. His draft analysis segments on the network are a fan favorite and he also does a daily radio show. For the last several years, he has fought a private battle against a rare disease that is slowly transforming him. Helmethairalitis is so rare in fact, that Mel Kiper, Jr. is the only known person in the world to currently be afflicted with the disease. Years ago, Las Vegas entertainer Wayne Newton also suffered from a form of the debilitating illness. Fortunately for him, doctors caught it before it was too late..

Often referred to as “Helmet Hair”, the disease is apparently irreversible in Kiper’s specific situation. Researchers claim that his individual hair follicles and strands have mutated. They seem to be infused with a titanium graphite alloy that is impervious to scissors or motorized clippers. His hair has been growing at an alarming rate since the 2000 Draft. Since attempts to halt its growth were unsuccessful, doctors were left with no choice but to take radical action. 

Last night’s surgery was an effort to finally make the transformation complete and speed up the disease’s natural course. Using titanium screws and chicken wire, doctors fused a football face mask to Kiper’s cranium (see photos below). It will take several weeks to heal completely. A second surgery may be necessary down the road to affix a chin strap. As for now, Kiper should be back to work at ESPN in several days and he will be ready for full contact drills by the middle of February.

I originally posted this blog on December 12th. I only got two responses back then, partly because most people thought I was out of my mind.

TEXAS WINS! TEXAS WINS!

By Sandy Bunkerman

12-12-2005

Congratulations, Reggie Bush, on winning the Heisman Trophy. Unfortunately, and eventually by no fault of your own, it will be your last victory as a collegiate football player. You see, while Coach Pete was busy stocking up on offensive studs, he left the cupboard a little bare on the defensive side of the ball. Your defense allowed six teams to score 21 points or more against them. And 30 or more points twice. The Texas defense only let a team score 21 points or more three times, and no one has scored 30 or more on them all season. What's scary about that is that your conference is horrible (worse than the Big 12), and your defense is going to look just as bad against Texas.

This will be the best defense you play all season. If Fresno State made you punt a few times, I'd bet that Texas can do better. And that will be all they need, because your defense can't stop Vince Young and the Texas offense. If they get up by more than two TD's, it's over. You will get your yards, Reggie... maybe even a couple of TD's. But a victory is just going to be out of your range on January 4th. In the end, your team and your conference will be exposed. Your schedule was laden with weak defensive teams, and your defense was mediocre against most of their average offenses.

 I know you and USC fans will be upset about my words, but the truth is.....the truth hurts. The defenses you put on the field in the previous two seasons were stellar, but the current incarnation falls short of their performances, and it will cost you another title. So, thank you for all of the memories and the highlight reels you've contributed to. You have been part of an incredible run. It's a run that will end with a loss to Texas, but incredible, none the less.

I grew up listening to Hip-Hop music. I grew up break dancing… the first time around. I grew up wearing fat laces in my Adidas. I grew up tagging my break dancing name (Krash, by the way) wherever I could. I grew up Hip-Hop. I still love Hip-Hop.

Feeling the way I do about the lifestyle, it sickens me to watch Hip-Hop get exploited by the sports world... the very same sports world that shuns it when it suits them.

The NBA implemented a dress policy this season that is obviously aimed at the black athlete and at the Hip-Hop generation. The problem? That same generation has lifted the league to the heights it’s at now. The NBA is arguably more successful and powerful than it has ever been in its history.

The Hip-Hop generation drives the retail market for NBA gear to the tune of millions of dollars a year. When was the last time you heard Black Sabbath playing in the background of an NBA game? Do you honestly think that if kids didn’t see rap stars wearing NBA jerseys and caps that they would sell the way they do? And if it isn’t the black youth of America buying their gear, the white youth of suburban America are buying it in bulk so that they can emulate the black youth, who emulate their Hip-Hop icons. Funny, huh?

The NBA wants Hip-Hop to buy the ingredients, cook the meal, set the table, and serve the food. They just won’t allow Hip-Hop to pull a chair up to the table.

I was watching an NFL game on Saturday and noticed that during a replay, the producers chose Hip-Hop as the background music. Three old white guys doing commentary over break beats. That’s hilarious! Those very same guys will then condemn number 84 for the amount of bling he might be wearing. Now, I don’t know about you, but it’s disturbing to me to hear old white guys say “bling”, but what’s worse is that in the same breath, they knock the culture that they just borrowed a word from. It’s hypocritical.

So what do I see last night during the Fiesta Bowl (where my Buckeyes manhandled Notre Dame)? The graphics team for the game used graffiti style images featuring…brace yourselves… graffiti artists spray painting walls all game long. The other problem here is that they can show those images without repercussions. Now, if they showed those very same images in a Hip-Hop video, the producers would be accused of promoting vandalism. When the Dixie Chicks did a video for “Earl had to Die” depicting them planning and executing his murder, it was cute. But if a Hip-Hop group does that same video, it may not get any airplay and deal with a swarm of negative publicity. By the way, isn’t it funny how the Dixie Chicks got away with that video, but were crucified for basically saying that George Bush sucks?

I will be the first to say that the negative images in Hip-Hop don't help. I despise the booty shaking videos and constant mention of weed, champagne and jewelry. Like anything, it can go too far sometimes. You can live and experience the culture without perpetuating the stereotypes. For every 50 Cent, there are a handful of intelligent, positive artists who will never be fully appreciated. Although, I did see Talib Kwali's promo for the Big Ten.

In the end, as far as Corporate America goes, Hip-Hop will always be that cool friend your parents never knew you had. You’d do anything just to hang out with him, but you knew you could never take him back to your neighborhood. Or the fat girlfriend who you never told your friends about, but you couldn’t stay away from because the sex was so good.

Hey, Major Sports World! Fat girls have friends… and they talk.

Three years ago, Maurice Clarett was running the ball for the National Champion Ohio State Buckeyes, but today he is running from the Columbus (Ohio) Police. A recent incident outside of a Columbus night club, during which Clarett brandished a fire arm, has added to the meteoric fall of a man who was once considered a Heisman Trophy candidate and sure fire NFL star.

In a scene eerily reminiscent of the O.J. Simpson Bronco chase, Clarett is currently leading CPD on a chase around the I-270 outer-belt that circles Columbus. He is being driven by former Buckeye turned criminal, Damon Stringer in a white 2004 Cadillac Escalade. At last report, they were traveling near the I-70/I-270 intersection on Columbus’ east side. Police are currently in touch with Clarett via cell phone, and report that he has asked for a helicopter and a tryout with the Calgary Stampeders of the Canadian Football League. He also requested that a six pack of Coke and a Donato’s Pizza be airdropped onto the top of the Escalade. 

The Clarett family psychologist, Dr. Joseph Herrera, has been brought in. He believes that Clarett's recent and brief stint as a trash collector ( see above photo ) may have contributed to his setback. If  anything, it was a definite blow to his ego. When Dr. Herrera spoke to Maurice on the phone, Clarett kept repeating the words, “Lebron money…Lebron money”. This is obviously a reference to the money Clarett and his backers believed he would make in the NFL. Unfortunately for Maurice, his surprise pick by the Denver Broncos never lead to the career he dreamed about, or the pay day his friends and family were counting on. He never saw the field during the pre-season and was released before the regular season started.

He has been seen roaming around the Columbus and Youngstown areas muttering to himself and constantly polishing his Big Ten and National Championship rings. One can only imagine that Clarett must kick himself on a daily basis for the decisions he has made in the last few years.

Throngs of onlookers are beginning to line the guardrails of I-270 in anticipation of the outcome of this strange tale, all hoping that it ends near their neighborhood. I, for one, just hope that Maurice ends up where he deserves... In the #### Hall of Fame.

As I sit to write this last blog, I think of how much I will miss all of this. I have definitely read more than I have written (I went for the quality over quantity thing). Aside from the blogs, your personal stories were interesting as well. To know that there are other aspiring writers (housewives, mechanics, models, & lawyers) out there who have taken the opportunity to scratch this itch, if only for a short time, is refreshing and inspiring.

I entered this contest because for years, friends have told me that they love my writing and that I should pursue it somehow. I don’t have a college education, so my professional options are slim, but this contest provided an outlet for me to put my ideas out there. I hope that you all enjoyed my work as much as I enjoyed and respected many of yours. I know that I didn’t go the statistics filled, know it all, Jim Rome wanna-be route on most of my blogs, but I save that stuff for arguing with my friends. If anything, I hope you got a laugh or two out of what I wrote.

I want to wish everyone the best of luck and I hope that whoever wins this thing takes full advantage of any doors it may open in the future. I know I would.

About Sandy Bunkerman

Sandy Bunkerman is really Nelson Morales. I grew up in Lorain, Ohio, just west of Cleveland. I have played, eaten, slept, and breathed sports my whole life. I still try (to my wife’s dismay). I am a golf nut with an 8 handicap. I currently reside in Columbus, Ohio with my wife Mandy and our daughters Sinead and Sophia. I have been a professional hairstylist for 14 years. My business is called "Running with Scissors: a Don’t Try This At Home company". If any of you would like to remain in contact to exchange future blog info, contact me at mrmorales2u@wowway.com

Not really us, but too funny not to share.

A recent study at the London University of International Medicine has proven that there is a definitive link between sports dreams and the phenomenon referred to as Morning Wood. Researches have come to this conclusion after three years of the intensive testing of over 200 male subjects.

For years, it had been widely accepted that the “unprovoked erection” was caused by friction, pressure from the bladder while sleeping, and nocturnal sexual fantasies during REM sleep. As results began to poor in, it became more and more obvious that dreams of scoring a goal in the World Cup produced twice as many cases of Morning Wood than sexual dreams.

Even more interesting was the fact that men who had never participated in organized sports had three times as many cases of Morning Wood due to sports related dreams. Doctors believe that this anomaly is cause by a spike in testosterone levels. Most men who have not competed in sports during their youth often feel less masculine around their sports obsessed counterparts. Doctors feel that these men compensate by subconsciously producing testosterone spewing alter egos that dominate the sport landscape of their subconscious minds.     

Aside from waking up thinking you can now challenge your three-time State Heavyweight Champion roommate to a wrestling match, there are several side effects of Morning Wood that men should keep an eye out for. The first is the total disappearance of any ability to aim your urinary flow while you have Morning Wood. Standing up to pee seems like a curse at times like this. The second is referred to as “scuba ####”. This is what happens when you try to have a BM while suffering from Morning Wood. If your little friend dips below the water line, you can just start calling him Captain Nemo.

Dr. Will B. Flacid, III M.D. says that many of his initial test subjects were American males from the University of Michigan. They had to be excused from the study. Apparently, their recurring nightmares of Michigan being defeated by Ohio State four out of the last five years had caused their ####es and testicles to actually shrink during sleep. This is referred to as “The Turtle and the Road Kill Hare"” in the scientific world.

As you can tell, and as you were hoping, this article is totally fictitious. Incidentally, I did wake up with Morning Wood this morning, but doctors say that it’s a good thing. It means you have good urinary health and are a ways off from having to purchase any little blue pills. I don’t know if the London University of International Medicine exists, but if it does, there may be hope for Michigan fans yet. Not!!

Have a great Holiday!!! Go Bucks!!!

I knew the word “Strippers” would get your attention. Now that I have it, I won’t leave you totally hanging.

Have you ever been to a strip club and have one dancer catch your eye right away? You know right there and then that she will be yours by the end of the night…for $20.  So you wait a while. You keep your eye on her and even send other dancers away for fear of upsetting her. When you finally ask her to dance for you, she makes you feel like the only guy in the room, even though you know your buddy is two feet away with a visible woody. She has you dropping $20 bills like they’re Monopoly money by promising to show you more the next $20… I mean song. At the end of the night, you actually think she likes you and have hopes of getting her phone number . Then reality sets in and you notice that she is actually ignoring you. She is avoiding you like the plague. She got what she needed. You feel used. So your hopes die and you head for home. Now that you know how jbold1 and TiffanyMarie met (just kidding), I will tell you how this pertains to the BCS.

Every other sport in college athletics has some type of tournament or playoff at the end of the year. Women's Badminton probably has a playofff system. Anyway, that means that the teams involved know that their destiny is in their hands and not at the fingertips of a nerd with a keyboard. What the BCS has done is turned DI football into the football world’s equivalent of a strip club. They have figured out how to consistantly screw the teams and the fans out of what they want the most… a legitimate National Champion, and make them come back for more. 

The BCS starts off by teasing you with the rankings. Will your team make it to the title game? No. Well, maybe they’ll make another BCS game. So they're playing in the “Who the Hell Cares Bowl” on December 20th (Sorry, Southern Miss and Arkansas State), huh?  They have managed to get you excited about your team’s total lack of any chance of winning a National Title, but the sanctity and history of the bowl system has stayed intact, so you’re going along with it all. You think the BCS likes you.

So you watch your team play well in the “Does Anyone Know We’re Playing? Bowl” and you can’t help but wonder how they’d do against USC’s weak defense. How would your stud linebackers do against Reggie Bush? Thanks to the BCS, unless your team is ranked in the top two by their totally ridiculous system, you will never know. Maybe next year?  The BCS whispers in your ear, “Plus One. Plus One”. So you come back for more.

All the while, every other division in college football is wrapping up their playoffs and Mount Union has won their 8th REAL National Title in the last 13 years. You are left wondering what that must be like…to win it on the field by actually beating a string of teams AFTER the regular season is over.  

So you end up watching the USC vs. Texas game on January 4th, just like the BCS wants you to. Texas stuns USC by beating them handily, boring you to death in the process, and again you ponder the “what ifs”. The BCS has managed to milk you out of dozens of hours of your life that you will never have back. You feel used. That ####!!

The BCS is just like a stripper.  It lures you in with  the promise of a true National Champion, but in the end, you end up bitter and alone with your t-shirt from the “Inaugural Aunt Flo Tampax Bowl”. And just like a stripper, the BCS sponsors and their friends (Big Conferences) walk away with all of the money. 

Until the Athletic Directors and school Presidents get their heads out their behinds, we will continue to be teased by every incarnation of the BCS that can be thrown at us. They know that a playoff system is the right thing to do, but that would mean breaking ties with the big conferences and the risk of having to sell a second round game at Miami of Ohio to America. What they don’t understand is that America is all about fair competition. We all want our shot. They make it so that the Eastern Michigans of the world are out of it before the first snap of their season. They have no chance to truly compete for a title. Sure, even in a playoff system, teams like EMU would be a hell of a long shot, but at least they’d have A shot.

So, wimpification isn't really a word, but it should be. I made the word up and I’m not sure if I spelled it right. Anyway, it is exactly what is happening to young athletes all over this great country of ours.  We have coddled and babied our children into thinking everything is easy and that no one ever loses.

Remember the old days of youth baseball when you didn’t start out by hitting the ball off of a tee? I was seven years old when I played my first season of organized baseball. I got hit by 16 pitches that year.  Sure, the guys throwing to me had the control of blind epileptics, but I got right back in the batter’s box when it was my turn to hit again. Amazingly, or not, I am still alive today.  

Despite what the brilliant minds of child psychology think, getting hit by pitches, sitting the bench, getting yelled at, and …hold on to your seats people… LOSING have actually helped me develop into a well rounded, goal oriented person with a firm grip on reality.  Imagine that? Through the trials and tribulations of a young athlete, I learned lessons that I could always look back at and use as tools to succeed in life.  NEVER GIVE UP. TRY HARDER NEXT TIME. DO YOUR BEST. BRUSH IT OFF.  YOU SUCK!

Okay. “You Suck” is kind of harsh. But guess what? Some people suck at things. The problem is that now, everyone is so afraid of their kid failing (sucking) at something that they have created whole new versions of America’s great sports. Versions that have no winners or losers; Versions where they never have to feel bad about their performance; Versions where every kid gets to bat every inning; Versions that allow parents to live vicariously through their children because…you guessed it…they sucked when they were kids!

I saw a show on television that talked about a movement by some in the teaching and child psychology communities that were attempting to ban dodge ball from schools across America. Not because of the violent nature of being pelted by a textured rubber ball, but because some kids might feel bad about getting put out of the game early on a regular basis. They even want the gym teachers to have the kids jump rope without a rope. Why? Well, if they don’t actually have a rope they can never mess up. This ensures that the kids always feel good about themselves. Unfortunately, this also ensures that kids grow up to be out of touch with reality. They won’t always win. The person they like may not like them. They might not get into the college of their choice. They might not get their dream job.  They might be a garbage man (Executive Sanitation Engineer) when they grow up. What will they do then? Jump off a bridge?

Let the children play. Let them play the games the way they were meant to be played. So they lose a few games. So they only get two hits all season. So they’re second string nose tackle. So what?  The point of it all is to compete, stay out of trouble, make friends, and learn some lessons along the way.

So throw away the tees, put nine guys in the field, keep score, heckle the pitcher, leave the rim at ten feet, call traveling, put ice on that bruise, walk it off, suck it up, high five, jump for joy, throw your helmet, tell Johnny’s Dad he can’t coach the team this year (or any year), and let it all hang out. The good, the bad, and the ugly. That’s what memories, life and well adjusted people are made of.

No children's feelings were harmed during the writing of this blog.

Congratulations, Reggie Bush, on winning the Heisman Trophy. Unfortunately, and eventually by no fault of your own, it will be your last victory as a collegiate football player. You see, while Coach Pete was busy stocking up on offensive studs, he left the cupboard a little bare on the defensive side of the ball.

Your defense allowed six teams to score 21 points or more against them. And 30 or more points twice. The Texas defense only let a team score 21 points or more three times, and no one has scored 30 or more on them all season. What's scary about that is that your conference is horrible (worse than the Big 12), and your defense is going to look just as bad against Texas.  

This will be the best defense you play all season. If Fresno State (who lost to all mighty Tulsa in their Bowl Game) can make you punt a few times, I'd bet that Texas can do better. And that will be all they need, because your defense can't stop Vince Young and the Texas offense. If they get up by more than two TD's, it's over. You will get your yards, Reggie... maybe even a couple of TD's. But a victory is just going to be out of your range tonight.

In the end, your team and your conference will be exposed. Your schedule was laden with weak defensive teams, and your defense was mediocre against most of their average offenses.  

You had to have watched the Fiesta Bowl, right? Ohio State dismantled the Notre Dame offense. That's the same offense that put 31 on the board against you. Now, Texas beat a different Ohio State team than the one that played on January 2nd, but a victory is a victory. Now that I think about it, maybe there is a bright side...you could be  playing Ohio State.

I know you and USC fans will be upset about my words, but the truth is.....the truth hurts. The defenses you put on the field in the previous two seasons were stellar, but the current incarnation falls short of their performances, and it will cost you another title.  

So, thank you for all of the memories and the highlight reels you've contributed to. You have been part of an incredible run. It's a run that will end with a loss to Texas, but incredible, none the less.

Remember the movie Being John Malkovic? You know the one where they figured out how to literally get into his head? Well, I figured out how to get into Jim Tressel's head, and if Ohio State fans thought they were anguished after their teams two loss season, I promise you, Jim's got it worse.

It seems that Jim blames himself for the losses to Texas and Penn State. He knows that the Buckeyes should have easily beaten Texas by two touchdowns, and this writer agrees. And if he'd only let the offense use the whole play book, they never would have lost to Penn State. Jim knows that he never really trusted Troy Smith with the offense until after mid season, if even then. 

He also kicks himself about not putting Teddy Ginn on the other side of the ball. The kid came into Ohio State as the top ranked cornerback in America. He is afraid to get hit on punt returns, and he doesn't run great routes as a receiver. Jim knows that Teddy will be a corner in the NFL, but it never stopped him from keeping Steve Bellisari at quarterback when he knew he'd get cut from the NFL as a safety. He knows he should have played the kid 15-20 plays on offense, used him as a kickoff returner, and let him develop into the shut down corner he was meant to be.

The last thing I learned while roaming around in Jims head was that he has no killer instinct and it eats away at him. He thinks about the Texas game often and how he was content with a six point lead. Knowing that Vince Young could beat him with one play, he got conservative and put the burden on an overly tired defense. He knows he should have gone for it on 4th and 2 against Michigan instead of trying and missing a 47 yard field goal from a precarious angle. Granted, they won that game, but even at years end, he had no trust in his offense. He laments that against Indiana, on several 3rd and long plays, he made absolutely no attempt to pick up the first down. Several runs up the middle and a few Josh Huston field goals later, his lack of killer instinct was as obvious as the complete waste of talent that was his season.

I also found out why he wears the sweater vest (it's slimming), why his hair is black on top & grey on the side (lowlights), how much money Jim Bollman's chin makes as a body double for Jay Leno's chin ($3000 per appearance... $5000 if there's nudity involved), and his secret to talking for hours and saying absolutely nothing (a Master's degree in BS from Baldwin Wallace). I tripped over his game plan for the Notre Dame game while I was walking around up there, too. Some things must remain sacred, though.