A recent study at the London University of International Medicine has proven that there is a definitive link between sports dreams and the phenomenon referred to as Morning Wood. Researches have come to this conclusion after three years of the intensive testing of over 200 male subjects.

For years, it had been widely accepted that the “unprovoked erection” was caused by friction, pressure from the bladder while sleeping, and nocturnal sexual fantasies during REM sleep. As results began to poor in, it became more and more obvious that dreams of scoring a goal in the World Cup produced twice as many cases of Morning Wood than sexual dreams.

Even more interesting was the fact that men who had never participated in organized sports had three times as many cases of Morning Wood due to sports related dreams. Doctors believe that this anomaly is cause by a spike in testosterone levels. Most men who have not competed in sports during their youth often feel less masculine around their sports obsessed counterparts. Doctors feel that these men compensate by subconsciously producing testosterone spewing alter egos that dominate the sport landscape of their subconscious minds.     

Aside from waking up thinking you can now challenge your three-time State Heavyweight Champion roommate to a wrestling match, there are several side effects of Morning Wood that men should keep an eye out for. The first is the total disappearance of any ability to aim your urinary flow while you have Morning Wood. Standing up to pee seems like a curse at times like this. The second is referred to as “scuba ####”. This is what happens when you try to have a BM while suffering from Morning Wood. If your little friend dips below the water line, you can just start calling him Captain Nemo.

Dr. Will B. Flacid, III M.D. says that many of his initial test subjects were American males from the University of Michigan. They had to be excused from the study. Apparently, their recurring nightmares of Michigan being defeated by Ohio State four out of the last five years had caused their ####es and testicles to actually shrink during sleep. This is referred to as “The Turtle and the Road Kill Hare"” in the scientific world.

As you can tell, and as you were hoping, this article is totally fictitious. Incidentally, I did wake up with Morning Wood this morning, but doctors say that it’s a good thing. It means you have good urinary health and are a ways off from having to purchase any little blue pills. I don’t know if the London University of International Medicine exists, but if it does, there may be hope for Michigan fans yet. Not!!

Have a great Holiday!!! Go Bucks!!!