Dr. Phil leading the group

 

Dr. Phil: Good evening gentlemen, welcome to Dr. Phil’s boot camp…

 

T.O. (interrupting…) Thank you thank you I’m so happy to be here, you know, I work out 7 days a week, check out my abs…

 

Phil (interrupting and yelling..) SON ARE YOU CRAZY? THE LORD WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN IF YOU EVER INTERRUPT ME AGAIN! (Owens drops to his back and does sit-ups while mumbling)…Now,  I have been appointed by Congress and the commissioners of your sports to clean up the filth that you all have cast over the sports world. Certainly you all feel evil and worthless, because you are, and sitting here in this room in the presence of my awesomeness can’t be helping much. So let’s get right into it, Mr. Owens, please stop, your mother hates you, sit in a chair and pay attention (he listens reluctantly). You are all here because you have some form of addiction that is destroying the world, and I am here to save it. We will start with icebreakers, move into other strategic exercises…

 

T.O. (trying to be contained) Exercise? YESSSSS!

 

Phil: (without stopping) …and if all else fails, we’ll get right into exorcism. SO… Let’s start by tossing this ball around, and introducing yourselves and stating your vice, or your reason for being here. Let’s start with the smelly, creature in the back who’s too good to look us in the eye or have a seat (flings the ball at the horse and it hits him and falls to the ground, Kent Desormeaux picks it up…)

 

Kent (unable to be seen over the other people in the room): eh, excuse me sir, but I don’t think he can catch….or speak, he’s a horse. His name is Big Brown, and he can’t win without steroids or something like that…

 

Phil: Soooo, why are you here sir? This is a confidential session, I am going to have to ask you to leave.

 

Kent: Bu…

 

Phil (interrupting..) LEAVE! (Kent leaves) Now, if there are no more spies in the room we will move on. You son, pick that ball up and talk to the class.

 

T.O. (from behind Big Brown speaking in high pitched voice) But sir, I did not get to speak, I am Big and Brown and Terrell Owens is the best…

 

Phil: That’s it, you have forced my hand Mr. Owens, MEN!

 

(In comes an army of priests with a tazer gun and rope. Owens is already sitting in his seat, offers no resistance, but they taze him anyway and tie him to his chair.)

 

Phil: Now, anymore interruptions? (silence) Alrighty, now, as you were son.

 

Cedric Benson (obviously drunk, eyes are wide in fear and amazement at what he’d seen, looks at Owens, hesitates, then proceeds after pause) Well, mah nem is Zedrih Bunsin en ah hev a Prollem, I ain’t gotta job cuh I Jrink a lil’ bit.

 

Phil: Are you drunk son?

 

CB: Nah cuh, ah juss wokuh (during explanation, Phil nods at a man in the back of the room, and he walks up behind Benson with a tazer) lak a hour…(he gets tazed)

 

Phil: DOES ANYONE ELSE NEED TO BE SOBERED UP?! (standing over class wide eyed)

 

(Ricky Williams ducks down and sneaks some visine into his eyes quickly)

 

Phil: well, one of you pick the doggone ball up before I assume you are all intoxicated.  You, fat bald man, you should have been aborted (pointing at Charles Barkley) pick it up.

 

Chuck: Yes sir, my name is Charles Barkley and I’m addicted to gambling and food.  

 

(he tosses to Tony Romo)

 

Romo: Tony Romo, and I’m not addicted to anything, they say Jessica Simpson was the problem, but really it’s just because T.O. cant friggin catch, see look (he throws the ball very hard at the unconscious Owens’ face, it bounces off his face, and Chad Johnson catches it) USELESS I tell you!

 

Chad: Sup ya’ll, you can call me Ocho Cinco, I’m addicted to providing sound bytes, here check this one out (pulls out a tape recorder, rewinds and hits play with a big smile on his face) “Dr. Phil boot camp? Yeah I’ll be there, but I’m mailing him some laxative so he’ll  be able to pass my foot from out his #### when I’m done with him…come on guys, I’m Ocho Cinco, boot camp?!”

 

Phil: You must think you’re very funny….

 

Chad: Ha Ha, what am I supposed to be scared? Here’s another one fo yo ####, Don’t Taze Me (man comes from behind and shoots him with a staple gun) BROOOoo….ooowwww! What the hell was that?!

 

Phil: You said not to taze you, now quit your ####in and toss the ball to the guy masturbating in the corner, SON can you put it away, I don’t think you wanna find out what may happen…

 

(Ball tossed to Kobe Bryant)

 

Kobe: I’m sorry sir, it’s just, you know, I can get off whenever I want to, whether I’m on the court, in a Colorado hotel, or in the back row of boot camp fantasizing about that Big horse ####ing my wife.

 

(Roger Clemens stands up out of turn)

 

Clemens: Look! I don’t belong here with these…freaks! I will not touch that ball after happy hands over here just touched it. I am perfectly fine, I have never used steroids I have never ####d a donkey, nor have I ever cheated on my wife…

 

Phil: That’s interesting, it didn’t say anything on your profile about masturbating a donkey Mr. Clemens, and I suggest you sit down, your mother wanted to abort you, before I make your throat smile…thank you.

Now is that everyone? You son, I don’t think we’ve yet had the privilege of learning of you, your mom probably thought she took a massive dump when you came out of her, please share. (pointing at Ricky Williams)

 

RW: Sir I would like to start by saying, your books really helped me with my social anxiety disorder…

 

Phil: Son is your addiction ####-kissing? Because if not, I fear I will need to assist you on focusing on the task at hand, will I need to do this?

 

RW: No sir…my name is Ricky Williams, and I am addicted to marijuana.

 

Phil: WHAT?! (Laughing) Weed?! They sent you here for WEED?! Get outta here son (walks closer to him within whispering distance) you know where I can get some around here, I can’t tolerate these weirdoes without a little T-H-C in my B-O-DY, know what I mean (nudging him)

 

RW (unsure of what to say or do) Uh, sure, just…call me after I guess? (extended silence)

 (RW and Dr. Phil break silence simultaneously speaking in unison awkwardly)

 

RW: Should I just go…

Phil: Yea you should probably leave now, yea….

 

(Williams leaves, Dr. Phil orders his men to administer sniffing salts to unconscious members of the group, and everyone has returned to consciousness)

 

Phil: So, now that we all know each other, it’s time for phase two of the program. You will pair up with someone in the class, and just have a conversation about your problems, and offer each other support and advice. I will be coming around to make sure you are all having productive conversations. Now the good news is, there are no more tazers, but the bad news is, you may or may not be injected with a horse tranquilizer if you are off task or disrupt the class in any way. Now, since I do not trust any of you to think for yourselves at this point, I will choose the pairings myself. Let’s see…. Happy hands! You pair up with the juicer, and try and conquer your crazed fantasy (Kobe walks over to Clemens) NO ####, not that juicer, the horse you wanted to penetrate your wife.

Donkey milker, since you and Mr. Attention hog Owens over there seem to have disruption in common, why don’t you two pair up.  Romeo, since you blame your shortcomings on Mr. Owens, perhaps you should team up with the French speaking smart #### over there, perhaps you can find a new wide receiver. That leaves you two, the CB brothers. Now spread out with your partner and begin the exercise, be sure to listen to each other and don’t be afraid to cry…in fact I suggest you cry, it’s good for the soul. Plus I don’t think you want us to help you cry. Off you go.

 

End of Part 1