I got a call yesterday from an old friend who was in a bind.  He currently lives out west, but used to work with me here in Gainesville back in the day.  He called to tell me that he recently tried to renew his drivers license, but was flagged for failure to pay child support, even though he hasn’t legally been required to pay it for years.  His kid’s all grown up.  Glitch in the system.

Anyway, as he’s in Irvine, California, home of the Anteaters, and I’m in Gainesville, home of the one-loss Florida Gators, he needed someone to run to a local Department of Motor Vehicles - everybody’s favorite place to visit -  and pay a $47.50 fine for him so that he could reinstate his license.  Clearly a pain in the rear, but as I had nothing to do this afternoon but pretend the Florida-Ole Miss game never happened, I figured what the heck.  A friend in need is a friend DMV’ed.

So I’m at the DMV, waiting the obligatory forty-five minutes to an hour before my number is called, when suddenly a great looking, blonde-haired, blue-eyed college girl walks into the place to renew her license.  Keep in mind, this is Gainesville, Florida; such sights are not uncommon.   Contrary to popular belief, girls DO in fact grow on trees here.  Or at least they arrive by the boatload every semester.

Upon viewing said college girl, the middle-aged gentleman behind the counter, who had taken his good old time coming back from his break, acted as if he had never seen a female before, or if he had, it had been a very long time.  His trainee, maybe in his mid-twenties and not totally un-presentable, stood there staring, tongue hanging well out of his mouth.  I kept wanting to tell the guy to blink and snap out of it.  The senior employee, in all likelihood older than this girl’s father, looked a lot like J.K. Simmons, best known for his role of J Jonah Jameson in the Spiderman movies.  Trust me, this girl was out of Tobey Maguire’s league, so there was no way Jonah was getting a piece.  The only way, shape or form a girl of this stature would ever even entertain the idea of talking to a guy like this would be…  if he worked at the DMV and she needed to renew her license.  I mean, it’s not like he’s Houston Nutt who can apparently do anything he wants to in Gainesville these days.

Jonah soon started to pour on the DMV charm sickeningly thick, as if to say to his trainee, “Look, bra, I got this,” all the while wearing his wedding ring.  He commented on her smile as he took her drivers license photo and continued to drop other borderline inappropriate comments in a what I thought was supposed to be a professional setting.  Guess not.  It wasn’t an Isiah Thomas sexual harassment suit, but it wasn’t far from it.  I was partially intrigued to hear what bile he could muster up next, much like being unable to turn my head from a train wreck or an 86-yard Shay Hodge pass play that got away.  He continued on, keeping her at his counter as long as he could without starting a riot inside the DMV.  Ah…. the DMV, a constant source of entertainment, although probably not what Terrell Owens meant when he told us to get our popcorn ready.

When my number was finally called an eternity later, I got up to the counter and you’ll never guess what happened...  the woman behind the counter started flirting with ME!!  I thought to myself, what is this… the most undersexed group of civil servants ever assembled?  Imagine the house parties these guys must have.  Are they not getting enough at home?  Should I have brought lotions?  I half expected them to dim the lights, throw on a strobe and start spinning some Barry White.  I didn’t realize condoms were now a requirement for the random DMV visit.

Look, I’m no hater, unless of course we’re talking about the decision to give the ball to your QB seven yards behind the line of scrimmage when you only need one.  Come on to whomever you want to as long as I don’t have to be subjected to it for hours.  Watching this guy in action was more painful than watching another missed Gator extra point.  I understand that the benefits of working at the DMV are few and far between.  It’s not like they get free points on their licenses for being faithful employees.  I don’t fault the guy for being flirtatious with a young college girl, but not if it’s going to come at the expense of everyone else sitting there waiting to take care of their business.  Keep it professional.  After all, any impending sexual harassment charge just means one less person at the counter and longer lines at the DMV.

Depression strikes.

As I flip through the channels not even one full week after the NBA Finals have reached their anti-climactic conclusion, I’ve begun looking for some other quality source of entertainment.  Sure, we have the upcoming NBA Draft and potential blockbuster off-season trades to analyze.  But if I’m force fed one more reality, dancing, talent, cooking, tattoo and plastic surgery elimination tv show, I may very well cancel my cable altogether.

For those sports fan still scorned by the last baseball work stoppage, there’s absolutely nothing to watch until football season starts.  My ESPNews marathons no longer have the same flair.  Woe is me.  I must consult my basketball jones, blogging brethren Hoffman, Mr Showtime and GR8UN54 to see how they’re coping in the off-season.

For me, the two weeks after basketball season ends have always been a difficult adjustment period.  So for those who suffer the same summer doldrums, I thought I’d offer some suggestions to make these next few months fly by.  Feel free to help me out, because like you, I’m impatiently counting down the days until September 1st.

      1)      Watch the WNBA (just joking)

2)      Watch Major League Baseball (again… just joking)

3)      Read a book

4)      Satisfy your bloodlust by becoming a UFC fan

5)      Monitor the inevitable off-season Kobe drama by posting a life-size timeline on your living room wall detailing negotiations between Bryant, Buss, Kupchak, Jackson and West (I know some of you have already done this)

6)      Help Pac Man Jones open up his own strip club

7)      Count down the days until ESPN airs their first full-length Terrell Owens interview

8)      Blog to your little hearts content

9)      Actually spend time with friends and family

10)   Wonder if anyone other than the University of Florida will ever win another national championship in any major sport

11)   Discover a newfound hatred for the New York Yankees

12)   Hunt down Brady Anderson: the real key to the steroid scandal in major league baseball

13)  Work

14)  Listen to Frank Irizarry’s weekly Foxbloggers radio show (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/All_Star_Bloggers
_Show)

15)  Volunteer in your community

16)  Spend way too much time drafting players for one of your upcoming seven fantasy football teams

17)  Find a presidential candidate to support

18)  Bet whether Bud Selig and/or Hank Aaron will be sitting together when Barry Bonds breaks the all-time home run record

19) Drink heavily

20) Support your fellow blogger

Let’s take a break from talking about sports, the T.O. and ‘Melo, Isiah and the B.C.S. for just a split second, shall we?

The holiday season always reminds me of family.  It’s a time when we all get together and enjoy each other’s company.  Well, when I think of family, I think dysfunctional. Hey, it’s what I know.  After recently watching “Little Miss Sunshine,” I felt inspired to compile my personal, top 10 list of all-time dysfunctional family movies.

First, let’s set down some ground rules before continuing.  It’s nearly impossible to compare dramas to comedies to thrillers, however, legitimate comparisons can be drawn between films that have similar, central themes.  For this Top 10 list, the dysfunctional family must be the focus of the film.  Although movies like “The Godfather,” “Raging Bull,” or “Do The Right Thing,” (all which would have made my list) highlight dysfunctional families in one respect or another, the dysfunctional family is not quite the central focus of the movie.  One might argue the family serves as the backdrop for “The Godfather.”  I’d respect that opinion.  However, I’ve kept it off this list to give other movies a fair shake.  Accordingly, here is my list of top ten “dysfunctional family” films of the past thirty years.

10. “Garden State” -  This movie’s got it all.  (I may be saying that quite often on this list)  Zach Braff’s character returns home from school for his mother’s funeral, where he confronts the estranged relationship that’s developed between him and his father.  He rejoins his high school mates and ends up falling for Natalie Portman (uh… who wouldn’t) as she helps him open up and cope with his mother’s death.  It’s a comedy, drama, romance all wrapped into one, not to mention the funniest scene featuring a character in full, body armor since “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” and “The Cable Guy."

9. “Parenthood” – Billed as a comedy, this film features its fair share of dramatic moments.  It tackles the entire gamut of family issues: relationships, infidelity, childbirth, divorce, sex, miscommunication, parenting and adoption.  “Parenthood” also features an all-star cast including Steve Martin, Rick Moranis, Dianne Wiest, Sam Robards, Keanu Reeves, Thomas Hulce and Joaquin Phoenix.  There’s not a scene in this film that doesn’t highlight and lowlight the family experience.

8. “The Upside of Anger” – When I saw the previews for this movie as it was released in 2005, I nearly barfed at the thought of another Kevin Costner playing another retired baseball player.  However, this film is far heavier than that.  At the foundation, we have Joan Allen’s daughters struggling with their mother’s alcoholism and their father’s abandonment.  “Upside” is not a chick flick.  Plus it features the smoky, Erika Christensen.

7. “Slums of Beverly Hills” – Alan Arkin plays the father of this traveling family, doing the best he can to raise his three children on a meager salary, while his brother makes millions.  Dysfunction runs rampant in this comedy, not to mention the vibrator scene with Marisa Tomei and Natasha Lyonne is a classic.

6. “Little Miss Sunshine” – Consecutive Alan Arkin films.  A fantastic script, this film will make you laugh and cry.  Greg Kinnear loads his homsexual, suicidal, intellectual brother-in-law, his silent son, and his heroine-shooting father into his ever-stalling and ever-honking, VW bug and leaves New Mexico for California to have his daughter participate in her dream pageant.  Dysfunction throughout, as witnessed in the final scene where the family bumrushes the stage at the pageant.

5. “Soul Food” – The essence of dysfunction.  This epic features a broad cast of characters and the division of  a once tightly-knit, family is the central theme.  Once the grandmother, the core of the family, passes away tragically, her surviving family is torn apart.  The grandson does his part to reunite the family, now distanced by several issues.  Not only did HBO base a series off this film, any time you can get Vanessa Williams, Vivica Fox and Nia Long on the screen at the same time, I’m game.  Williams’ performance is so convincing, she almost rids herself of her hotness.

4. “Kramer vs Kramer” – This film defined, in grim, emotional detail, what families going through divorce must confront.  “Kramer vs. Kramer” won five academy awards, including best picture and nods for both Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep.

3. “Ordinary People” – I’ll just say this.  I used to love Mary Tyler Moore.  After watching this movie, I can barely stand to look at her.  Now THAT’S acting!!!

2. “ Flirting With Disaster” – Hey, it’s my list and if I want to put a comedy at the top, I’ll do it.  This little known film (if you haven’t seen it, rent it) features another all-star cast, including Ben Stiller, Patricia Arquette, Tea Leoni and a list of surprise characters. Ben Stiller’s searches to find his natural parents and in the process alienates his wife, falls for the adoption agency psychologist, wrecks a tractor-trailer and some nice figurines, encounters two traveling homosexual detectives and eventually reunites with his acid-dealing parents, played by Lily Tomlin and Alan Alda.  Not only does this film redefine dysfunctional, it encouraged a string of films and television series to revive the careers of countless actors.

1. “American Beauty”  - I wanted to put “Flirting” on the top of this list, but this film’s resume cannot be argued with.  Released in 1999, it won five academy awards, including best picture, best director and best actor, and was nominated for three more.  The film features two neighboring dysfunctional families, including Kevin Spacey facing a mid-life crisis, the unfaithful Annette Benning, the homophobic, Marine colonel Chris Cooper, and his nearly comatose wife, Allison Janney.  If you weren’t moved by this film when you first watched it, you were raised in a vacuum.

Honorable Mention: “Meet the Parents” series;  the “Vacation” series’ “Family Business”; “Napoleon Dynamite”; “My Cousin Vinny”;  “She’s The One”; “Pleasantville”; "The Birdcage"; "The Royal Tennenbaums"; "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"

Again, these are merely my opinions.  If you haven’t seen the aforementioned films, I highly recommend them for your viewing pleasure.  If I failed to mention any, by all means, bring it to my attention and I’ll gladly stand corrected.

Happy Holidays and don’t forget to enjoy your family meals.