The following article will be published in the November issue of Campus Talk, a magazine distributed in Tampa, Orlando, Gainesville and Tallahassee. If you're a local, pick one up and increase their circulation. They also have lots of pictures of pretty girls for extra motivation.

I was sitting at a local Campus Talk-approved watering hole when the gentleman beside me started going on and on about his fantasy football team.  Like I had nothing else better to do than listen to him discuss how he drafted the Redskins defense in the 7th round.

For those of you still unfamiliar with Fantasy Football… welcome to planet earth.  Sports fans, mostly men who think they are capable of running a professional sports franchise, gather once a year to draft football players at each position and field their own team.  Normally wings, beer and bad jokes are served, while guys who are too short, too slow and too uncoordinated to play the game, draft players they think will garner them enough yards, receptions and touchdowns to crown them Fantasy Football king.

Now, if this guy annoyed me, a football fan, after only a few brief minutes of hearing him talk about his third string wide receiver, it got me thinking how the wives, women and girlfriends of millions of men around the country cope with these very same conversations.

So, for those girlfriends out there who have had enough of their man’s childhood fixation with running his own rotisserie team, we’ve come up with some valuable advice to help you make it through the season with a smile.

Go Shopping:  If your man zones out on Sundays, take his credit card and run to the mall for your own fantasy spree.  If he’s in a league where he gets paid out for success, tell him you were so confident in his ability to draft a winning team, that you were just celebrating his impending victory by buying yourself something nice.

Curb the Talk:  The last thing your man wants to hear is who was on Oprah this week.  Similarly, the last thing you want to hear is how many points Adrian Peterson earned him in Week Five.  Make sure he understands there’s a time and a place for such talk, and that’s away from you and with his friends.

Host Your Own Fantasy Party:  When your man gathers with his friends to argue whether Peyton or Eli Manning brings greater value, get your girls together for a sex toy or lingerie party.  Remind him that he’s not invited.  It’ll distract him from his football by wondering what you and your twelve hottest friends could possibly be doing with lace, lotion and a handful of batteries.  Now tell me which fantasy he’d rather be involved in.

The Player Cuteness Factor:  Careful with this technique for it could send your man into a jealous frenzy.  If he drafted Tom Brady or Reggie Bush, sit there with him as he’s checking their stats and tell him how cute the players look in their tight uniforms.  Again, this might warrant anger or even worse a hidden man-crush, so use this method only if you’re prepared for the consequences.

Walk Around Naked: If this tried and true technique doesn’t distract your man away his fantasy team, then it’s time to find a new man for his priorities are clearly out of whack.  Yes, ladies, football is important to us, but remind your man to keep things in perspective.  If skimpy lingerie isn’t more titillating than a Brett Favre six touchdown game, then it might be time to check your man into fantasy football rehab.

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Plenty of women have now joined fantasy football leagues.  However, if you’re not a football fan, grab some friends and create a fantasy league of your own.  Base it on Dancing with the Stars, Desperate Housewives or Sex and the City reruns.  Host a draft party and invite your friends over for wine and cheese.  Be sure to belch repeatedly for effect if your man happens to be in attendance.  You can allot league points for how many times the Housewives bag either a lawn boy, neighbor or someone else’s husband.  Or better yet, join his fantasy league and beat the tar out of him and his friends.  Then talk smack about how little he knows about sports.

 

I got a call yesterday from an old friend who was in a bind.  He currently lives out west, but used to work with me here in Gainesville back in the day.  He called to tell me that he recently tried to renew his drivers license, but was flagged for failure to pay child support, even though he hasn’t legally been required to pay it for years.  His kid’s all grown up.  Glitch in the system.

 

Anyway, as he’s in Irvine, California, home of the Anteaters, and I’m in Gainesville, home of the one-loss Florida Gators, he needed someone to run to a local Department of Motor Vehicles - everybody’s favorite place to visit -  and pay a $47.50 fine for him so that he could reinstate his license.  Clearly a pain in the rear, but as I had nothing to do this afternoon but pretend the Florida-Ole Miss game never happened, I figured what the heck.  A friend in need is a friend DMV’ed.

 

 

So I’m at the DMV, waiting the obligatory forty-five minutes to an hour before my number is called, when suddenly a great looking, blonde-haired, blue-eyed college girl walks into the place to renew her license.  Keep in mind, this is Gainesville, Florida; such sights are not uncommon.   Contrary to popular belief, girls DO in fact grow on trees here.  Or at least they arrive by the boatload every semester.

Upon viewing said college girl, the middle-aged gentleman behind the counter, who had taken his good old time coming back from his break, acted as if he had never seen a female before, or if he had, it had been a very long time.  His trainee, maybe in his mid-twenties and not totally un-presentable, stood there staring, tongue hanging well out of his mouth.  I kept wanting to tell the guy to blink and snap out of it.  The senior employee, in all likelihood older than this girl’s father, looked a lot like J.K. Simmons, best known for his role of J Jonah Jameson in the Spiderman movies.  Trust me, this girl was out of Tobey Maguire’s league, so there was no way Jonah was getting a piece.  The only way, shape or form a girl of this stature would ever even entertain the idea of talking to a guy like this would be…  if he worked at the DMV and she needed to renew her license.  I mean, it’s not like he’s Houston Nutt who can apparently do anything he wants to in Gainesville these days.

 

Jonah soon started to pour on the DMV charm sickeningly thick, as if to say to his trainee, “Look, bra, I got this,” all the while wearing his wedding ring.  He commented on her smile as he took her drivers license photo and continued to drop other borderline inappropriate comments in a what I thought was supposed to be a professional setting.  Guess not.  It wasn’t an Isiah Thomas sexual harassment suit, but it wasn’t far from it.  I was partially intrigued to hear what bile he could muster up next, much like being unable to turn my head from a train wreck or an 86-yard Shay Hodge pass play that got away.  He continued on, keeping her at his counter as long as he could without starting a riot inside the DMV.  Ah…. the DMV, a constant source of entertainment, although probably not what Terrell Owens meant when he told us to get our popcorn ready.

When my number was finally called an eternity later, I got up to the counter and you’ll never guess what happened...  the woman behind the counter started flirting with ME!!  I thought to myself, what is this… the most undersexed group of civil servants ever assembled?  Imagine the house parties these guys must have.  Are they not getting enough at home?  Should I have brought lotions?  I half expected them to dim the lights, throw on a strobe and start spinning some Barry White.  I didn’t realize condoms were now a requirement for the random DMV visit.

 

Look, I’m no hater, unless of course we’re talking about the decision to give the ball to your QB seven yards behind the line of scrimmage when you only need one.  Come on to whomever you want to as long as I don’t have to be subjected to it for hours.  Watching this guy in action was more painful than watching another missed Gator extra point.  I understand that the benefits of working at the DMV are few and far between.  It’s not like they get free points on their licenses for being faithful employees.  I don’t fault the guy for being flirtatious with a young college girl, but not if it’s going to come at the expense of everyone else sitting there waiting to take care of their business.  Keep it professional.  After all, any impending sexual harassment charge just means one less person at the counter and longer lines at the DMV.

The following article will be published in the September issue of Campus Talk, a magazine distributed in Tampa, Orlando, Gainesville and Tallahassee.  If you're a local, pick one up and increase their circulation.  They also have lots of pictures of pretty girls for extra motivation.

 

We have been patient the entire summer and September means we are finally rewarded with football… glorious football.  This season brings new hope for thirty-two NFL teams and while San Diego, New England, Indianapolis and Dallas are overwhelming favorites to win a championship, the Giants proved last year that the Super Bowl winner can be anyone’s guess.

 

AFC East:  The chances the Patriots lose this division are about as good as George Bush becoming our next president.  Although the Pats won their first eighteen games last year,  this year they should come out with a chip on their shoulders after losing their last.  The Dolphins begin the Bill Parcells era and the Bills are also loaded with question marks.  Not much is expected from either of them.  The Jets, however, will have a significantly new look.  Brett Favre traded one green uniform for another and has decided to continue his career under center for the Jets.  This move, at a minimum, will make a Patriots-dominated division slightly more interesting.

 

 

AFC North:  The Browns finally gave their fans something to cheer about as they finished 10-6 and barely missed the playoffs.  Traditional division rivals, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati, both return strong teams.  The Steelers should prove they’re the class of the division while Bengal fans hope their team can finally live up to expectations.  Their offense is as potent as any in the league, however, continued mediocrity will mean it’s only a matter of time before Chad Johnson opens his mouth.  The Ravens will continue their quarterback search and should reside near the bottom of the division.

 

AFC South:  Indianapolis is once again the favorite to win this division, however, the Jaguars remain a worthy adversary.  Unfortunately for Jacksonville, Peyton Manning is still a Colt.  With all four teams in the division finishing .500 or better last season, the Titans and Texans have proven they will not go quietly.  Titan fans want to see how Vince Young, entering his third season, will lead this team while the expansion Houston Texans can no longer be considered a bye.

 

AFC West:  Could this finally be the Chargers year?  They cleared a major post-season hurdle last year by winning in Indianapolis, but came up short against New England.  The Chargers should win this division but Denver, Kansas City and Oakland stand in their way.  Denver, 7-9 last year, had their most disappointing season in recent memory and look to return to their usual form.  Kansas City should be improved but is still rebuilding.  A young Oakland Raiders team led by JaMarcus Russell and Darren McFadden could turn some heads.

 

NFC East:  Long considered the most competitive division in football, this season should prove no exception.  The Cowboys, Giants, Eagles and Redskins all have the talent to win their division, if not the Super Bowl.  While Dallas is the prohibitive favorite, the Giants want to prove they’re no one-hit wonder.  The Redskins look to new head coach, Jim Zorn, and young quarterback Jason Campbell to lead the way.  Philadelphia still led by Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb will try to return to Super Bowl form. 

 

NFC North:  This division will have a different look this year with Brett Favre no longer in Green Bay.  As Aaron Rodgers takes his place, rest assured his every move will be scrutinized.  Minnesota hopes Adrian Peterson can build upon his successful rookie campaign.  Chicago still has quarterback issues and could be a long way away from solving them.  Detroit has a talented roster but after predicting a ten-win season last year, Jon Kitna remained con####uously quiet this summer.

 

 

NFC South:  While NFC East teams stage weekly battles for division supremacy, the NFC South rivalries pale in comparison.  While Tampa Bay won the division last year, the Saints are likely to rebound from a sub-par season, pending a healthy Deuce McAllister.  The Panthers, only four seasons removed from a Super Bowl, try to figure out how things have gone wrong.  The Falcons begin life after Michael Vick and will look to their future, Matt Ryan, to lead the way.

 

NFC West:  Seattle, sans Shaun Alexander, embark upon their last season under coach Mike Holmgren.  While this could be the season fans finally see the Arizona Cardinals live up to their potential, Matt Leinart will have to put down the beer bong first.  In San Francisco, the Alex Smith experiment continues as RB Frank Gore remains the star of the offense.  St Louis will look to rebound from a year where they were unable to keep any opponent out of the end zone.

I was spending time at my special lady friend’s house not all that long ago.  She had family and friends in town visiting from Columbus, Ohio (yes, Gator dates Buckeye… riots ensue).  While watching television, one of her younger houseguests was having difficulty recalling the name of “that heavyset guy” that used to be on Saturday Night Live way back in the day.  She was in her early 20s, so I figured she couldn’t possibly be talking about John Belushi, although he was the first person that came to mind.  I blurted out the other obvious answer, Chris Farley, to which she responded ‘Oh Yeah!’

 

Suddenly, I felt old.  I thought to myself, had it been that long ago that Farley was on SNL (1990-95) and is this generation even familiar with Belushi’s humor as one the Not Ready For Prime Time Players.

 

 

I’m 40 years old now.  I am from New York City and was weaned on the original Saturday Night Live.  There was nothing like staying up late as a kid and watching Roseanne Rosannadanna, Belushi’s samurai, Bill Murray’s lounge singer, Chico Escuela, Mr. Bill, the land shark and of course, two wild and crazy guys.  As a child, I met Gilda Radner once and was awestruck.  Of course, later generations of SNL featured their own unique brand of talent too, from Eddie Murphy to the later generations of Myers, Sandler, Farley, Hartman and Rock.  For me, that was a golden era of comedy.  I look fondly back on those times.  Without sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, today’s version can’t hold a candle.  It kind of makes me long for the days of old.

 

Which is why I can’t fault Brett Favre for his decision to return to football.  These athletes that we write about, particularly the elite, are like no creatures we’ll ever truly understand.  They are the best of the best and as we’ve seen over the years, have difficulty hanging them up when their time has come.  How many athletes, guys as tough as nails, have we seen break down into tears, sobbing like newborn babies at their retirement press conferences?  One need only recollect a glassy-eyed Mike Schmidt or John Elway at the podium, reaching unsuccessfully for that next word with their hearts in their throats.

 

The most successful businessmen, scientists and doctors can practice their chosen profession until late in life.  Bill Gates is 52.  Mick Jagger is 65 and he’s still working.  Heck, even John McCain is 71.  Professional athletes aren’t afforded that luxury.  The physical, psychological and emotional anguish is too demanding.  

 

We’ve seen a bunch of them do it, the best of the best, retire then yearn to return.  Montana, Namath, Jim Brown, Magic, Leonard, Foreman, Holyfield, Jordan… twice.  It’s getting so that the ones who say goodbye and don’t look back a la Koufax or Barry Sanders are the exception rather than the rule.  We criticize athletes for leaving in their prime as if they owe us something more, yet we also blame them for wanting to return to the game without fully understanding what’s in their hearts and minds.  We may never know.  The majority of us will never be as good at anything as these men were at their chosen profession.  We crave a storyblog ending, but life isn’t always a fairytale.

 

 

Could Favre have handled his current situation better?  Of course he could have.  But think about it.  There’s no conceivable way Favre could leave the Packers organization on good terms.  There’s no such thing as an amicable breakup.  This is about a man who rebuilt a franchise and a franchise who made the man.  The two will always be inexorably linked, regardless of what uniform he dons next.  It was bound to end ugly no matter how it went down.  I cannot fault Favre for wanting one last shot as long as he’s prepared to deal with the consequences.  Unless he suits up for either the Pats, Colts, Chargers or Cowboys, he likely will not win a Bowl and those teams are already pretty well set at the quarterback position.

Favre obviously still has his demons, something left to prove.  It is likely something none of us can understand.  Remember that next time someone asks you, fifteen years from now who ‘that guy’ was that used to play quarterback for Green Bay.  The answer he’s looking for must might just be Aaron Brooks.

The following article will be published in the June issue of Campus Talk, a magazine local to Tampa, Orlando, Gainesville and Tallahassee.  If you're a local, pick one up and increase their circulation.  They also have lots of pictures of pretty girls for extra motivation.  Please excuse the brevity, fellow draftheads... had to recap the first round in 1200 words or less.

 

Every June, fans line up outside Radio City Music Hall for one of the most anticipated sporting events of the year:  the NFL Draft.   While players like Eli and Peyton Manning have changed the course of their franchises, so have Michael Vick and Ryan Leaf.  Drafts traditionally feature early round busts (Tim Couch # 1 in 1999) and late round bargains (Tom Brady # 199 in 2000)

The following is a recount of the 2008 NFL Draft which will surely introduce the superstars and busts of tomorrow.

 

1 – Dolphins – Jake Long, OT, Michigan.  After a 1-15 season, Bill Parcells expects Long to help rebuild.  At 6’7”, 315 lbs., Long will solidify Miami’s offensive line.  All they need is a quarterback for him to protect.  Miami also drafted Michigan quarterback Chad Henne.

2 – Rams – Chris Long, DE, Virginia. Son of Hall of Famer Howie Long, Chris comes from championship pedigree.  Although St Louis will need more than Long to keep opponents from scoring, he is a step in the right direction.

3 – Falcons – Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College.  After a turbulent 2007, Falcons fans are eager to embrace their future.  Although it’s rare for a quarterback to make an immediate impact, the Falcons expect Ryan to eventually become the face of the franchise.   

4 – Raiders – Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas.  With JaMarcus Russell, the Raiders have their future quarterback/running tandem back in place.  A two-time Heisman runner-up, McFadden’s game should translate nicely to the NFL. 

5 – Chiefs – Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU.  In a draft loaded with talent at the top, Dorsey is another player that could have been selected number one.  At 6’2”, 316 lbs., Dorsey was the cornerstone of LSU’s national championship team. 

6 – Jets – Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State.  In June, Jets fans outnumber Rockettes in Radio City Music Hall.  This year was no exception.  Gholston played in two national championship games at Ohio State.  The Jets also drafted Tennessee quarterback Erik Ainge in the fifth round.

7 – Saints – Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC.  Unable to land Glenn Dorsey, New Orleans opted for Ellis.  In the wide open NFC South, the Saints will look to Ellis and newly acquired Jonathan Vilma to keep opposing offenses off the field and Reggie Bush on it. 

8 – Jaguars – Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida.  With only two players drafted, Harvey was the pick of the litter for Florida.  The Jaguars love their Gators as they also feature Reggie Nelson, Fred Taylor, Mike Peterson and Jeremy Mincey.  Playing in the same division as the Colts, the Jags expect Harvey to bolster their pass rush.   

 

 

9 – Bengals – Keith Rivers, LB, USC.  We’re not sure what’s more amazing?  That USC can lose so much talent and still contend or that Chad Johnson is still a Bengal.  While Rivers is far from the missing ingredient for an underachieving Bengals team, he should still contribute to a defense that can’t opponents out of the end zone.  The Bengals also selected Gator Andre Caldwell to join their dysfunctional cast of characters.

 

10 – Patriots – Jerod Mayo, LB, Tennessee.  An aging Patriots team sees Mayo as an eventual replacement for Teddy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel and Junior Seau.  He could do worse than to learn from these Hall of Famers.   We’re still wondering how the Pats went undefeated and drafted tenth.

 

11 - Bills - Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy.  Drafted as a corner, the Bills will look to McKelvin to return kicks and punts, which could bring some well-needed excitement and offense.

 

12 – Broncos, Ryan Crady, OT, Boise State.  Denver continues to assemble an offensive line to create space for its running game and protect Jay Cutler.  Crady became the first Boise State player ever selected in the first round.

 

13 – Panthers - Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon.  Stewart was one of the most dynamic players in the nation last year.  Carolina also nabbed LB Dan Connor from Penn State in the third round.

 

14 – Bears - Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt.  A draft loaded with offensive linemen, Williams should fill a pressing need for a team needing to protect its rotating quarterbacks.

 

15 – Chiefs - Branden Albert, OG, Virginia.  With the retirement of Willie Roaf, KC needs to shore up its line.  At 6’6”, 315 lbs., Albert’s a step in the right direction.

 

16 – Cardinals - Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee State.  Always seemingly one step away from the playoffs, Cromartie adds to Arizona’s youth movement that might one day live up to its potential.

 

17 – Lions - Gosder Cherilus, OT, Boston College.  After selecting wide receivers first in four of their last five drafts, Detroit finally went with a lineman.  The Lions also stole UCF running back, Kevin Smith, in the third round.

 

18 – Ravens - Joe Flacco, QB, Delaware.  The retirement of Steve McNair leaves a gaping hole for Baltimore.  While Kyle Boller should start next year, Flacco’s early selection means he’ll ultimately be the one taking the snaps.

 

 

19 – Panthers - Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh.  Carolina had Otah high on their draft board, which is why they traded up with Philadelphia to get him.  Although 6’6”, 339 lbs., many questioned Otah’s commitment.

 

20 – Buccaneers - Aqib Talib, DB, Kansas.  Offensive minded Coach Jon Gruden went defense to add youth to his aging secondary.  Talib will also see time on special teams.

 

21 – Falcons - Sam Baker, OT, USC.  Baker can play either guard or tackle for Atlanta.  Expect him to protect Matt Ryan for the next decade.

 

22 – Cowboys - Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas.  With lightning quick speed, the undersized Jones could provide a few highlight reel moments in Dallas’ backfield.

 

 

23 – Steelers - Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois.  Pittsburgh could not believe Mendenhall was still around when they selected him at 23.  He was sixth in the nation in rushing and should fit nicely into the Pittsburgh backfield.

 

24 – Titans - Chris Johnson, RB, East Carolina.  Tennessee has more pressing issues since they already feature Lendale White, Chris Brown and Vince Young.  It’s unlikely this pick will be as problematic as their 2005 selection, Pacman Jones.

 

25 – Cowboys - Mike Jenkins, DB, South Florida.  Jerry Jones was so high on Jenkins, he traded Seattle two later round draft picks to get him.

 

26 – Texans - Duane Brown, OT, Virginia Tech.  The Texans liked Chris Williams, drafted by the Bears, but went with Brown who played both tackle and tight end in college.

 

27 – Chargers - Antoine Cason, DB, Arizona.  A solid late first round pick for San Diego, Cason could also see time on special teams.  Cason’s father and three of his cousins have played in the NFL.

 

28 – Seahawks – Lawrence Jackson, DE, USC.  One of four Trojans selected in the first round.  USC led all schools with twelve players drafted. 

 

29 – 49ers – Kentwan Ballmer, DT, UNC.  Another versatile player, Ballmer can play either tackle or end for San Francisco who have recently had a porous defense.

 

30 – Jets – Dustin Keller, TE, Purdue.  This pick may have been more a way of keeping him away from the Giants.  The Jets only question is who will be throwing Keller the ball.

 

31 – Giants – Kenny Phillips, FS, Miami.  Still celebrating their Super Bowl championship, the G-Men expect Phillips to fill in at both corner and safety.

Recently, the four-letter sports network came up with yet another ‘Greatest of All-Time’ list in an attempt to fill air time…. err, entertain its viewers.  The flavor of the month this time around is ‘The Greatest Highlight’ of all-time, hosted by Chris Berman.  Months ago, the website listed 100 of the most famous moments in sports history and allowed contributors to vote on what they thought were the most memorable.  They narrowed it down to sixteen and are currently having an elimination bracket to determine the greatest highlight of all time.

 

 

 

 

Now, I don’t necessarily have a problem with that, and it’s hard to argue against any of the highlights they’ve included, i.e., Willie Mays’ catch, Doug Flutie’s pass, ‘the band is on the field,’ Bill Buckner’s error, Franco Harris’ Immaculate Reception, Kirk Gibson’s, Babe Ruth’s, Carlton Fisk’s and Hank Aaron’s landmark home runs.  I think as sports fans, we all could view, and review, these moments over and over again.

What I DO have a problem with is Chris Berman RE-ANNOUNCING THOSE HIGHLIGHTS!!!  Listen, very often, much of what makes a highlight memorable is Marv Albert shouting “A spectacular move by Michael Jordan!!” or Al Michaels screaming “Do you believe in miracles?!?” or Vin Scully’s “I don't believe what I just saw!!!”  Instead, the four-letter opted to have Chris Berman, who by judging from the blogosphere, most of us are well tired of, announce the highlights as we're viewing them.  Do we really need to hear Chris Berman shout “He… could… go… all… the… way!” when Franco Harris catches the deflection and runs it into the end zone?  Harris caught that ball in 1972 before there even WAS an ESPN!!!  Can’t they just pipe in the regular audio and let the fan relive the moment without imposing their influence?  Had Havlicek’s steal made the top 16, would we be forced to listen to Berman’s blathering over Johnny Most’s historical recount?

 

When ESPN replayed Hank Aaron's 755th home run, I was forced to hear Berman shout a totally contrived “GONE!!!” at the top of his lungs.  Isn’t that defacing and defaming history?  While you’re at it why don’t you just take a can of spray paint and initial the side of the Lincoln monument?  Or better yet, have Berman re-announce the “I Have a Dream” speech.  “Here comes Dr. King… stepping up to the podium… back back back back back.”  Didn’t ESPN think this through?  Didn’t some exec suggest this might be a bad idea?

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for celebrating the finer moments in sports history.  It helps take our minds away from what’s wrong with sports today.  But let’s do it properly and with taste, shall we? 

Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree as, Hank Steinbrenner, the newly appointed leader of one of the Big Apple’s most famous institutions is following in his father’s footsteps.  In the midst of baseball’s current baseball steroids scandal, which prominently figures two of New York’s most famous pitchers, Steinbrenner has publicly questioned why his sport is being singled out by these investigations and why more attention isn’t being paid to the NFL.

Steinbrenner recently got off this ingenius quote.  "I don't like baseball being singled out…. Everybody that knows sports knows football is tailor-made for performance-enhancing drugs. I don't know how they managed to skate by. It irritates me. Don't tell me it's not more prevalent. The number in football is at least twice as many. Look at the speed and size of those players."  An NFL spokesperson quickly responded that the NFL began random testing for steroids in 1990.

Twice as many??  Does that mean if 75% of major league baseball players were on the juice in the 1990s, that 150% of the NFL was also?  Hank, it wasn’t the NFL that turned a blind eye to its rampant, drug problem for the sake of self-promotion.  Anyone that knows sports knows THAT!

Now with all this slander love that’s floating around between Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee, can’t the NFL get a little action on this?  One would think with allegations like that, the NFL could soon OWN the Yankee franchise.  Perhaps Baby Steinbrenner isn’t aware that the National Football League has consistently had one of professional sports’ most strenuous drug-testing policies around.  The league is also far more consistent in penalizing its players for such violations, which is more that can be said for major league baseball.  Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds are currently being persecuted and having their legacies tarnished while others mentioned in a thoroughly incomplete Mitchell report are not being penalized at all???  How’s that for consistency and self-regulation.

Yes, the NFL’s players are generally larger in stature than those who play major league baseball; the sport calls for it.  Perhaps if these mammoths of men sported pot-bellies instead of bulging biceps, they could have tried out for their college baseball teams.  Instead these athletes opted for the NFL because… it’s a better league and a far more, exciting product.

So Hank, perhaps you should take a lesson from your father, who has mellowed out considerably over the years.  Growing up a Red Sox fan, as much as I hated King George, the respect he demands in baseball is undeniable.  At least we now have a new Steinbrenner to hate.  In the future, try thinking before you speak.  Oh, and don’t be surprised if you soon hear back from those ‘juiced up’ football players who you unwisely accused of wrongdoing.  I hope that works out for ya’.

 

 

 

Look carefully.

 

 

At first glance, you’re attracted to the beautiful red and white stripes of the American flag.  You sense an immediate rush of patriotism.  You can probably even hear the jet fighters flying overhead (unless, of course, you’re in a dome).  Or perhaps the first thing you first notice is the guy’s shaved head at the bottom right of the photo.

 

Now take another look. 

 

 

 

Ah yes, Giants players in uniform.  My friend took this picture during the national anthem of the Giants-Buccaneers game back in January, a game which the Bucs dominated for fifteen minutes until the eventual Super Bowl champions lit up the vaunted Bucs defense for 24 points in three quarters before going on their storybook run.

Looking again at the picture…

 

 

 Oh, cool, I see Eli Manning, Super Bowl MVP, and a couple other Giants players.  Wait, who’s that standing to his right.  Wait, that…. that’s David Tyree.

 

Very nice!  You mean the duo that hooked up for what can arguably be considered the greatest play in Super Bowl history?  Funny how pictures work sometimes, huh?  Do you think these two had ANY indication at this point in time what they were destined to combine for only 28 days later?

 

Like I said, my die-hard Giants fan friend, who snapped this photo and who has been compulsively watching Sportscenter, Around the Horn and PTI reruns since Sunday night, spotted this eerie picture, then immediately called me to let me know that he and I were among the first to witness Super Bowl greatness one month before it happened.

 

Crystal ball time.  For my next trick, I will now predict this year’s college basketball national champions.  I just need to rummage through my photo album first.

Invariably, if you attend any Buccaneers home game, you’ll encounter pewter-clad fans donning jerseys of their favorite, hometown heroes, just as you would in any NFL stadium on any given Sunday around the county.  In Tampa, without question, the most common jersey you’ll run into is that of Mike Alstott, who for some reason appears to have become a sort of cult hero in the Bay Area.  In fact, at a game I attended earlier this season, the Bucs had the ball first-and-goal, about to score, and an ornery fan behind me shouted out “PUT IN ALSTOTT!!!”  Never mind that Alstott sat out the entire 2007 season with a neck injury.  Maybe he hadn’t gotten that memo.  The “Put In Alstott” line at Raymond James has become akin to someone requesting that a band play “Free Bird” at your local dive bar.

 

But I digress.

Recently, Mike Alstott announced his retirement from the game of football due to the aforementioned, debilitating neck injury.  And I wish him well.  His off-the-field accomplishments in the Tampa Bay area are worthy of mention as the Michael Alstott Family Foundation has been extremely active in helping out local children in need.  The A-Train was also significant part of the Buccaneers 2002-03 Super Bowl season, but let’s please keep things in perspective… so was Joe Jurevicious.

 

As a Buccaneers fan, I’m intrigued by the city’s love affair with Mike Alstott.  Do they not remember the countless, timely fumbles or how they aptly christened him Mike “All-Drop?”  Alstott boasts 23 career fumbles on 1359 career carries.  That totals to a fumble every 59 attempts, not exactly Hall of Fame material.  In comparison, Warrick Dunn who ran alongside Alstott for five years fumbled the ball every 124 carries.  Yes, Dunn is a more elusive runner and yes, Alstott ran between the tackles more.  But so did Jerome Bettis, a sure-fire HOFer, who by comparison only fumbled the ball once every 160 carries. Yet I get this sneaky su####ion, Raymond James Stadium will hang Alstott’s numbers in its rafters.  The Bucs have retired only one number in their history, Lee Roy Selmon’s # 63.  Does Alstott’s career warrant the same merit as 1979’s all-defensive player of the year?  Does Alstott’s career even compare to what Derrick Brooks and Ronde Barder have contributed to the team over the years?

 

 

Yes, Mike Alstott is the leading all-time touchdown scorer for Tampa Bay, mainly because Dunn or other running backs would run the length of the field only to have the coaches then give the ball to the A-Train for the score (and the fantasy points).  But does that justify Alstott’s near god-like status in Florida’s city by the bay? Derrick Brooks has been the foundation of what has consistently been among the top defenses in the league for over a decade and Alstott jerseys outnumber Brooks jerseys ten-to-one.

 

I’m not playing the race card, I promise.  Or at least I think I’m not.  Fans like who they like for whatever reasons, right or wrong, but I think we’re witnessing a little revisionist history with Mike Alstott.  Can someone kindly explain Tampa Bay’s fascination with All Things Dropped?  This is not a hate blog.  I, for one, congratulate Mike Alstott for being a mainstay in the Tampa Bay community and for having a prosperous career with the Buccaneers.  That doesn’t mean he needs to have his number retired.

There’s something to be said for sportsmanship…. just not at a Buccaneers game.

 

This past Sunday afternoon, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers hosted the New York GEEEEEEE-Men in the new sombrero. To much of Tampa’s dismay, the Giants came out victorious in this match-up to advance in the NFL playoffs, leaving Buccaneer management with some difficult off-season decisions about their future.

 

On paper, the Giants were, and are, the better team.  That translated onto the field.  The Giants were underdogs going into that game, but you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who took the Bucs and laid the points.  If they played that game again, the Giants would win it again.

 

Anyway, I had the pleasure of attending this game with a life-long friend, who happens to be a Giants fan born and bred.  We had talked about him flying down for weeks, hadn’t seen each other in a while and landed some great tickets from the same person who scored those Police concert tickets not long ago.  Much thanks!  My friend, Jason, was appropriately decked out in full Giants regalia, rockin’ the Strahan jersey with more Giants gear layered underneath.

 

Since we’re like brothers, and by kick-off quite whiskey-infused, he and I were going at it ALL day.  When the Bucs got off to a fast start and the Giants failed to move the ball in the first quarter, I heckled him, and Eli, mercilessly.  But as the Bucs’ hopes started to fade later in the game, the Giants fans in the stadium became progressively louder.

 

Now sure, we were being a touch rowdy (this was an NFL playoff game, wasn’t it?), but trust me, my friend is from New Jersey and I have seen him WAY more obnoxious…. which brings me to my point.

 

After the Giants won, Jason went down to the front rows to celebrate with other Giants fans.  The guy seated to his left, who sported a John #### jersey (no longer on the Bucs, mind you), looked at me and said in total seriousness “I can’t believe you!  You call yourself a Bucs fan?”

 

I looked at him in amazement, wondering what he was talking about.  I hadn’t even spoken a word to this guy all game.  He then asked how I could bring a Giants fan to a Buccaneers playoff game.  As if the Bucs' inadequate offense was a direct correlation to my friend's seat assignment.  Huh?  Did I miss something?  I asked him what he was talking about, telling him that J and I grew up together.

 

“Yeah, but your boy was obnoxious,” he went on, by that point, almost bowing up to me.  Now I was about a pint and a half of whiskey in and was hardly about to back down to this putz.  I told him to look around as there were at least 10,000 other obnoxious Giant fans around.  They’re Giants fans… that’s what they do. 

 

“Yeah, but you encouraged him.”  I told that bonehead that J’s my best friend and I was merely congratulating him on his victory.  I’ll be darned if I’m going to let some stranger mess with my family, or my character.

 

 

I mean, you’ve got to me kidding me.  We’re all avid sports fans but…. this is a game we’re talking about here, right?  Is there something wrong with congratulating a friend, an opponent, or someone you don’t even know who roots for the opposing team on a hard-fought victory??   Do you hear Gambit insulting Pete_Nice improperly?  Or Marty Walker and Bayoudog talking about each other’s families?

 

The guy continued on, but I kept my senses and wasn’t about to stoop to his level.  When I met my friend in the aisle later on, he couldn’t believe it, laughing and telling me “Are you kidding me??  That guy was from Jersey!!"

 

So there you have it, friends.  Another episode of how fan-hood can go horribly wrong.  Remember, Bucs fans, to the Geeeee-Men faithful, we’re still an expansion team.  And it showed on Sunday… on the field and in the stands.  While Giants fans proudly sported Harry Carson jerseys, the best we could come up with was Mike Alstott. 

 

Folks, let’s keep things in perspective here.  Players shake hands with one another post-game to celebrate competition and fair play.  Sport exists to remind us what truly matters… sportsmanship and courtesy, not resentment, anger or bitterness.

 

So the next time your team loses and you’re among strangers, try elevating YOUR game and recognize that you’re among fellow human beings with family and friends.  You might just turn your loss into a well-earned victory.

Nothing is forever.

 

Even the longest streaks of futility eventually come to an end.  I refer not to the Dolphins beating Baltimore to end their winless season, but rather an NFL drought that lasted over thirty years.

 

This Sunday, when Michael Spurlock returned an Atlanta Falcon kick all the way to pay dirt, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ceremoniously put an end to their ineffective kick-off return streak.