Joakim Noah is not walking through that door any time soon. And if he were, he’d be the only one allowed to wear orange and blue.
Disappointed by his team’s recent sub-par performance, Coach Billy Donovan has taken drastic measures. Picture it now. Wet behind the ear freshmen, clad in Gator gear, probably still not realizing how irate their coach is with them, arrive to practice somewhat gleefully to their multi-million dollar practice facility, a place where the previous two national championship teams once reigned, only to find the doors padlocked shut.
Since the Gators, losers of their last four and seven of their last eleven, now find themselves NIT-bound for the first time in over a decade, Coach Billy has punished them harshly, yet deservedly. Not only has Donovan stated openly that he doesn’t look forward to coaching this team next season, this week he went a step further to illustrate his point. The upstart Gators have been banned from their practice facility until he deems them worthy. Furthermore, Coach has disallowed any of his players to don anything that bears the school name. This move mimics what his colleague Urban Meyer did several years ago when the Florida football team failed to meet the standards set by the coaching staff. It worked for Coach Meyer as they won a national championship shortly thereafter. Only time will tell whether it will work for Donovan’s freshman class.
Towards the end of the season, the Gators had several chances to earn an NCAA tournament bid. One can only assume the committee would have looked favorably upon the two-time defending champions had they been able to beat either Mississippi State, Tennessee, Kentucky or Alabama in any of their final games. Yet the team fell drastically short. The Gators were defeated by MSU by nine in a game that wasn’t nearly as close as the final score indicates. They got off to a torrid, shooting start against #2 seed Tennessee only to see that lead dwindle into a debilitating loss. Kentucky was finally able to end a seven-game losing streak against Florida. And the loss to Alabama in the first round of the SEC tournament was so embarrassing, Florida at one point in the contest was actually down 41-14, the same score in which they defeated Ohio State’s football team in the national championship game two years ago.
One need not look far to find flaws with Florida’s freshmen. On the season, Florida finished 10th in the conference in field goal defense, 10th in 3-point field goal defense, and 9th in defensive rebounding. Often these statistics were emblematic of the effort put forth on the floor. While it may be unfair to compare this young team to the two that preceded it, such comparisons are ultimately inevitable, despite the fact that these teams could not be any farther apart, in record or in mindset.
Many have criticized Donovan’s techniques as too harsh, that his young kids might not respond favorably. In the opening round conference game, starting center Marreese Speights saw as much bench time as he did playing time in the second half because of Donovan’s displeasure with his effort. Only time will tell if Donvan's punishment will generate the desired response. Jim Rome recently joked that if he could, Donovan would have his team ‘suit up’ in a shirts vs. skins match-up in their opening round NIT game against San Diego State, coached by former Michigan head coach Steve Fisher.
Either way, Florida’s newbies definitely have some soul-searching to do. If they lose their fifth straight, they might want to stay away from the coach, which shouldn’t be all that difficult since they still won’t be allowed in the building.
Rebounding is an art. Just ask 6-foot-6 inch Dennis Rodman. Or 6-foot-5 inch Charles Barkley. These two (under-sized) players, more than any others in the modern era, both had a keen, natural instinct for the ball. In a big man’s game, they made up for their lack of height by knowing exactly where and when the ball was going to careen off the rim and how to position themselves to secure that board.
If you watch North Carolina’s Tyler Hansbrough play basketball, you’ll find he shares those same instincts. Much has been made lately over Hansbrough winning college basketball’s player of the year over Kansas State’s Michael Beasley. Beasley posted superior numbers (barely) and most believe Beasley will boast a better professional career. That may very well be the case. At 6-foot-9, Hansbrough will likely be pigeon-holed into the power forward spot at the next level, and he may be a touch undersized for that position.
That doesn’t change the fact that this kid knows how to position himself around the rim to grab a rebound. And for that type of player, there is ALWAYS room at the next level. When you coach kids how to rebound, he’s the type of player you tell them to watch.
One only needed to watch Sunday’s ACC championship game and focus on number 50 throughout to see how he moves without the ball when a shot goes up. Hansbrough finished that game with 18 points and 11 boards, including the game-winning offensive rebound AND the game winning base-line jumper. If you watch the replay, when UNC’s next to last shot was released, Hansbrough was nowhere near the rim… until seconds later when he appeared out of nowhere to find the loose ball and can a silky smooth jumper at the buzzer to clinch the conference title for the powder blue.
Hansbrough played his best in big games: 16 points, 15 boards against Duke in March; 26 and 9 against Virginia Tech in the Conference semis; 39 and 13 against Clemson; 28 and 18 against Duke in February; 21 boards against Florida State. He’s not flashy, he’s workmanlike. And although Beasley averaged 26 and 12 this season to Hansbrough’s 23 and 10, Hansbrough’s team never lost four straight games this season like Beasley’s Kansas State. You just get the sense he would never let that happen.
You will get absolutely no disagreement from me that Michael Beasley will become the better professional player. In fact, if they decide to leave early, Memphis’ Derrick Rose and USC’s OJ Mayo may also be drafted ahead of Tyler. However, Hansbrough’s rebounding instincts are true. If I were a General Manager with the number one pick in the draft, I’d surely choose Beasley first if he decides to leave early. But if I end up with Hansbrough, I wouldn’t think twice about the kind of player I’d landed. I’d stick him on the low blocks and let him go to work. After all, every team can use a good rebounder.
The following article will be published in the April issue of Campus Talk, a magazine local to Tampa, Orlando, Gainesville and Tallahassee. If you're a local, pick one up and increase their circulation. They also have lots of pictures of pretty girls for extra motivation.
Most sports fans recognize March as the most entertaining time of the year. The NBA is in full swing, baseball is about to begin, most of us are still talking about the Super Bowl, and the NFL draft is right around the corner. But more importantly, March brings what can be argued as the purest form of competition today: the NCAA tournament!!! No BCS, just a single-elimination, gut-wrenching basketball tournament, buzzer-beaters and heartbreakers, first to six games wins. All others go home with only promises of next year.
Tens of millions of Americans enter basketball pools annually with the hopes of accurately predicting the most games. However, you are more likely to win the lottery than you are to guess every winner. That doesn’t mean that you can’t effectively run a pool and have tons of fun in the meantime.
What follows is how to run a successful basketball pool (this assumes you can’t fly to Las Vegas for the first weekend and parlay as many underdogs moneyline as possible):
1) Abandon all responsibility for three weeks. Running a pool with even 20-30 entries requires time and effort. If you have classes, blow them off, particularly on the first Thursday and Friday of the tournament. It is on these two days where most of the games are played. Nobody in their right mind can be expected to work under these conditions. You will be glued to your television set and all other obligations should understand that. Ensure you have enough food and beverage for that first weekend. There will be limited time for anything other than analyzing basketball match-ups and kicking yourself for not picking that first-round 4-13 upset.
2) Brackets are announced on Sunday evening. Games begin at noon that following Thursday. Immediately surf the internet for a clean bracket to print and distribute. This will be your template. Remember, you’ll want to choose one with pertinent information only, i.e., school names, team records & venues. Graphics that clutter the form are unnecessary.
3) Establish rules and point values, being careful not to put in writing any reference to prize money. Sure, it’s March but there’s no reason to be sent to prison. Award points geometrically per round or allot more for picking an upset. Ultimately, it’s up to you.
4) Clear off a wall in your living room and design a life-size bracket for all to see. Those in the pool need to know you’re serious about your commitment. After all, your home will become bracket central for three weeks. Your wife or girlfriend might not appreciate this, but college roommates should understand. If not, it’s time to find new ones.
5) Ensure all entries are collected by tip-off Thursday.
6) Participants will likely have made a copy of their own selections. A successful pool manager should distribute pool-wide picks, then update them throughout the tourney. This makes it much more fun for those participating. Just be sure you’ve done so accurately. The last thing you want is for someone to find flaws in your masterpiece.
7) Prize money should be distributed according to pool size. If you’re hardcore, you can establish a winner-take-all payout, but it’s more enjoyable if most participants think they have a shot to finish in the money. It’s tradition for the last place finisher to receive his money back, then be publicly ridiculed.
8) Remember, this is all in fun. You are about to dedicate the next three weeks of your life watching college athletes give their all for the chance to be etched in history. Enjoy it. Gainesville certainly has the past two years.
My…how the tide has turned in Lexington, Kentucky.
A close friend of mine who attended the last regular season game between Florida and Kentucky game relayed to me an interesting story. He told me you haven’t lived as a Gator basketball fan until you look into the eyes of a Kentucky Wildcat after beating them six consecutive times, only to have them stare back at you, then look dejectedly down at the floor in defeat.
Steeped in tradition, the University of Kentucky, once a powerhouse in college basketball, has in recent years been relegated to the middle of the pack in the Southeastern Conference, which is still a respectable position, just not by Kentucky's standards. Despite what most Wildcat fans will tell you, this is NOT for lack of quality coaching.
Last week, in a surprise announcement, former head coach Tubby Smith announced he was resigning his position at Kentucky to take on the University of Minnesota job. I don’t pretend to know what went on behind closed doors or Coach Smith’s reasons for leaving. Suffice it to say, Coach Smith did not get a fair shake after taking over for Rick Pitino. Even the national championship that Tubby won in 1998 came with an bluegrassterisk* since he won it “with Pitino’s players.” In departure, Coach Smith took the high road and showed class by not discussing or disclosing his personal reasons for leaving Lexington.
With their newest coaching vacancy in high visibility, UK has reportedly gone after Coach Bruce Pearl, who’s happily staying at Tennessee and John Calipari, who Memphis recently locked up until 2012. Coach Pitino has also denied any interest in returning. However, Kentucky’s prized possession is the young Billy Donovan, a former assistant at Kentucky, who has successfully led the Florida Gators to last year’s title and yet another Final Four this year… his third in eight seasons.
According to the Lexington Courier Journal, a recent blog posted on The Cat’s Pause, a website that covers UK sports, reported a rumor that Kentucky was close to signing a ‘blockbuster deal’ with Donovan. Now anyone with any sense (I guess that excludes Kentucky fans) realizes that Coach Donovan is locked away in the O’Connell Center with his assistant coaches breaking down game film of his future opponents. The only blue on his mind is the light blue uniforms of the UCLA Bruins.
As Gator fans, we would obviously be devastated to see Coach Donovan leave. University president Bernie Machen has openly stated that nobody is going to steal Coach Donovan from Gainesville. For those who still think Gainesville is first and foremost a football town, keep in mind, with another national title this year, the basketball program will have as many championships historically as their pigskin counterparts, all with the same coach. While Norm Sloan may have brought the Florida program into national prominence and Lon Kruger carried it to its first Final Four berth, it was Donovan, now the all-time coaching leader at Florida that perfected it.
To you, Kentucky fan, I say hands off until the coaching season is over. Wish all you want. Keep your framed picture of Coach Donovan under your pillow, dream sweet dreams and get that checkbook open. After the way your fans, media and alumni treated Coach Smith, Donovan’s close personal friend, it’s unlikely that you stand as good a chance of landing Billy as you think you do.
If Coach Donovan does decide to leave, we wish him the best and thank him for the prominence and class he’s brought to our program. And Kentucky fans, if he departs for the Bluegrass State, make sure you don’t run him out of town like you did your last coach.
Yes, I know. Call me a fence-sitter, a waffler, afraid to make a decision. But after reading some of the comments of our Final Four including Pete_Nice’s, Lisa4USC’s, KSP’s and CrookedNose’s, I found it increasingly more difficult to make a decision as to who should advance. Therefore I am hereby declaring the contest a DRAW!!! Besides, dissecting this foursome and eliminating two of them would eerily equate to breaking up the cast of “The Wizard of Oz” with CrookedNose as the Scarecrow, Pete_Nice as the Tin Man, KSP as the Cowardly (Nittany) Lion and Lisa, obviously as the title character of Dorothy. Scary how that worked out, huh? Perhaps I should play my “Dark Side of the Moon” CD now.
The finalists actually had a pretty good idea as they slowly became worn down with consistently bashing each other. They recommended that others who had previously participated in the tournament stop in and take potshots at the remaining survivors, with the finalists doing their best to deflect the criticism. This concept can definitely be incorporated into the next time someone sponsors one of these contests. Whoever cares to, feel free to take it off my hands. Just be prepared for a lot of work.
Suffice it to say these four bloggers won their regional brackets and truly represented themselves, their teams, their alma maters, and their hometowns in smashing and creative fashion. Nice work, guys (and girls). You’ll be receiving your autographed copy of John Amaechi’s “Man In the Middle” within the next several years.
I would like to congratulate the four of you that made it this far and thank you and everyone else who contributed to the bracket posts. On the five posts I wrote on the subject, I received over 3700 comments, including a thousand each on the first two, so I must have been doing something right. I’m glad they were able to serve as a release and a gathering place for us all.
Thanks again to Shooter, Fulltilt, Moynihan, GR8, Cuzzifer, Carolyn, Tophatal, Homersports, KSP, JGrace, Josh Q, Pardon the Intrusion, Crispi, Chorizo, Pete_Nice, Ricko, Nostra, Burger, Mustard, SteelerFan, The_Dan, Marty, Pig, Hogfan, Rivjo, Buffalo, Cindi, Santini, LSUFan, Morisato, Volsfan, Falcons, CrookedNose, Flavor, Fatmaw, Dudski, Edmon, SoCal, Vearl, Showtime, Miracle, Nooch, Lisa, AK, Ed, Ace, NorCal, Dusty, and J-Dizz for taking the time to swing by. I hope you each got to know each other’s work a little better. Thanks in particular to those that helped me re-read all the comments and assisted me in the judging: Bengals, Seattle, Hoit and MeanDovine. You guys were the Ito to my Cochran.
In the end, with the real Madness approaching, we all have our real brackets to concentrate on filling out, game film to break down and our schools to rabidly cheer for. Good luck with your selections and be sure to enter SoCal’s bracket challenge (see his post for details and password).
Guys, thanks again for participating and I now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.
Ahhhh…. March. The month that brings us spring training, the anniversary of Caesar’s death and most importantly….. MADNESS!!!
Recently, we’ve been hosting a little madness of our own here and as a result, I present to you…. THE FOXBLOGGING FINAL FOUR. The Fantastic Four, Fab Four and post-Joshua Tree U2 don’t hold a candle to these guys. Their mere trash talk is enough to make even Ron Artest hold up a peace sign.
To the matchups we go…
As expected, top seed ShooterB advanced to the Regional Finals in the East bracket after defeating 54Fulltilt, GR8UN and NYAce. But in this round, he faced his toughest competition yet in sixth-seeded KSP113. The Nittany legend had already Paterno’d some serious competition including his Penn State counterpart, JGrace, Josh Q Public and Verbal Intercourse. If those previous match-ups were indication, we were in for a helluva fight. Shooter started off flaunting his credentials “Come on, KP...you think you got game? Then why aren't you up in the Blog of Fame?” and claiming that the Penn State program stunk worse than “a sweaty pair of Kirstie Alley's underwear after an hour of squat thrusts.” I’m gonna have to take his word on that one. When KSP claimed to be the George Mason of this bracket contest, Shooter aptly responded once GMU lost that Cinderella wasn’t getting laid this year. He even demanded the panther “get back to guarding some rich schmuck's perfectly paved driveway.” But the "undercat" had too many lives. Channeling his inner Curtis Enis, KSP said Shooter’s jokes were lazier than Stuart Scott’s eye. Boo Ya!! When Shooter said KSP’s efforts to take him to school meant visiting the beauty college where he got his degree in bikini waxing, KSP responded that he was actually the T.A for that class, but had to drop out since the professor would get mad that the ladies couldn’t concentrate on lecture and kept winking at him. Touche! He claimed he was “RUTHless like the old school Red Sox,” which probably went over everyone’s head. He told his opponent in the U.S. Moosehead is just a beer but where Shooter lives, it’s a misdemeanor. KSP created his Shooter Similes, saying Iverson is a "shooter" with no chance at ever leading the NBA in field goal percentage, Shaquille O'Neal is a "shooter" with no chance at ever leading the league in free throw percentage, and ShooterB is a “shooter” with no chance at advancing past KSP. In the end, the lion gobbled up his New Mexico steak taquito and the mighty Shooter has fallen.
Bottom seed Pete_Nice continued to defy the odds as the only 16 seed to march deep into the tournament. Does that mean all number one seeds should beware this month? After upsetting three quality opponents in Chorizo, Ricko and MustardMan, Pete_Nice got his chance at The_Dan in what was secretly billed as “The Battle of the Under_Scores.” Dan’s verbal mastery had got him past Bengals, Detroitsports and an extremely close battle against the grandest pork rind himself, Flying Pig. However, Dan did not take the red sequin sweater-vested Pete lightly. Dan boasted he was the St. Louis Cardinals to Pete’s Kansas City Royals, the San Antonio Spurs to his Memphis Grizzlies, and the Def Leppard with arms to his O-Town without stones. He also garnered points by calling his opponent Meat Nice and Pe_Nis. The Buckeye, however, was not to be denied, telling The_Dani to go get a pedicure before receiving a beatdown worse than a Florida International kicker. Pete claimed Dan’s smack was “fresh and crisp like a blast of Paris Hilton morning breath” and that he laid down smack "weaker than a D!ck Cheney heart beat." Ouch! Please, fellas, let’s keep politics out of this. When The_Dan bragged about his legendary status, Pete pointed out that the “legend” only existed in Toronto #### bars and gerbil stores. In the end, Mr. Nice wasn’t so nice, “amassing enough bludgeoning points” to advance and finally making Dan “the spring rain to his Katrina, the Turk Schoenert to his Joe Montana, the Manute Bol to his Bill Russell and the boullion cube to his full flavored feast.” Nicely done, Pete.
As expected, the South bracket came down to the wire. I once again needed the help of my faithful judges, Miyagi-San, bengals9, Seattle, and my special guest contributor, MeanDovine, to provide me with a ruling. Top seed, Rivjo, had defeated LetsGoBuffalo, the always spunky Marty Walker, and LSUFan to advance. CrookedNose had knocked off Demon, FloridaFlavor and Fulltilt, generally stopping by and commenting just enough to advance. The question is would he have enough ammunition and frequency to topple the funky drummer. The Red Sox-Yankees smack got out of hand, with Rivjo telling Crooked that Red Sox fans can “pat themselves on the back for finally winning a World Series, but only to use ONE finger when doing so” and to go get his “Red Sox jersey with Affleck embroidered on the back” before leaving for spring training. Crooked retaliated by saying “the last time the Yankees won a World Series, Joe Lieberman was still a Democrat, Anne Nicole Smith was fat, and Derek Jeter wore Michael Jordan cologne.” Rivjo struck back by telling Red Sox fans to stop “stuffing their bra about their one title” and like the Red Sox, “NC State won a miracle NCAA basketball title but they'll never be N. Carolina or Duke” while Crooked boasted to treat “Yankee fans like women treat Yankee fans, by letting them beat themselves.” Crooked claimed the Yanks wanted to “skip right over those first 3 games and get right down to choking away their lead” and told riv to send in Yogi Berra, as he made more sense and in fewer words. Playing off rivjo’s work log-in, Crooked started calling him Joan Rivers, the plastic-faced, blogging bizatch. Rivjo then offered to send CrookedNose to his plastic surgeon who, after all those years of business, would fix his face for free. When Crooked noted that his intern, Jefe, went back and counted rivjo’s witticisms and totaled them at zero, rivjo then commented “at least that makes it a tie score.” And as votes were being tabulated to determine a winner, Crooked claimed “If RivJo tells me I've lost, that'll be the funniest thing he's ever said.” As you can see, this creative banter went back and forth with more frequency than Francisco Nadal and Roger Federer ground strokes, with a winner ever difficult to determine. In the end though, the theme to “Sandman” tolled and Crooked got the nod. When rivjo tried to compare Vanderbilt’s storied program to the 1972 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Crooked correctly pointed out that the Bucs’ first year in existence was actually 1976. We do allot points for accuracy, and in this case, it was just enough to give CrookedNose the victory by a narrow margin. Great work, guys. You two are gladiators, my friends.
In the West bracket, another number one seed, SoCalSportsFan had his hands full. After taking down Hoffman, Mr. Showtime and VearlthePearl, he proved battle-tested. He was originally supposed to battle MeanDovine, but the best damn guard bowed out to allow his previous opponent, Lisa4USC, to continue in his place. SoCal soon wished MeanDo had never done so as someone clearly fired up the “Blogging Banshee.” She was relentless. Socal got off some nice early weight blasts, calling USC the Ultimate School for Cows and Lisa an Unkempt Stranger Chatting. He also claimed she and USC are both like French Ticklers… “all studs and no protection.” When Lisa claimed Socal lived in the Santee Mobile Home Park, SoCal told her not to “disparage those good people since that’s where she gets most of her business.” Lisa, however, doled out a beating of epic proportions. She was the kryptonite to his Superman, calling him the Grand Marshallette to the #### Porn pride festival, offering to fedex him some roadkill, and claiming he watched American Idol just to get manicure tips from Ryan Seacrest. When SoCal posted a picture of a fat, naked guy on his blog claiming it was Lisa, she asked him if he found that photo in the “guys-looking-for-guys dating section of the Daily Planet.” She called him SoSmall, Snowball, NoGal, LowCal, Clark Can’t and the Notre Dame and Sun Belt Conference of the tournament. She said Superman was “proud of his tights and swishy cape” and that he and Robin made a cute couple. She later ordered him to don “his matching man bra and tights, take a dinner cruise for two around Fire Island then throw out the cape and get his binky for nighttime comfort.” She also claimed SoCal had “grown only one hair on his chest so long and made it into an "S." She ragged the Man of Steel so hard, I thought SoCal was gonna change his avatar. I could go on, but I’ll save SoCal further embarrassment. Game, set, match…. Lisa4Smack.
So there we have it, people. Just in time for Selection Sunday. I present to you… the Final Four. All number one seeds have been toppled. Pete now faces Paterno in an all-Big Ten matchup. Lisa opposes CrookedNose in a Leinhardt vs Cutler feud. Good luck, guys. Keep it tasteless…. and may the best person win.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are finally getting down to the nitty gritty, the Elite, the most trash-talkingest, quick-witted, sports-minded webloggers in the land. Prepare yourself… for eight of you will not be happy with what you’re about to read. American Idol, eat your heart out.
First of all, I’d like to give a special (as in Special Olympics special) shout out to my judges. I desperately needed assistance in judging this round and Sleepless, hoit and bengals graciously provided me with an outsider’s perspective. Aside from a few minor discrepancies, the three of us agreed on the outcomes. We all tried to remain as neutral as possible in judging the crossfire. I think they now feel my pain as there were some highly contested match-ups in this round, not to mention having to sift through the hundreds of comments. Winners were determined based on incorporation of sports material into their trash-talking, as well as frequency, timeliness and originality of their responses. If someone creatively blasted his opponent, but that comment was then effectively returned for a forehand winner… well, to the victor go the spoils.
That being said, let’s recap the action...
Top seed in the East, ShooterB took on NYAce. Shooter got off to a quick start with lines like “NYAce guys finish last” and requesting that I schedule our game before 5 o'clock in the evening so that Nyace wouldn’t get into trouble with his probation officer. Ace came up with some nice poetry of his own and kept asking where ShootingBricks was, but in the end Shooter’s raining jumpers were enough to knock the Ace and his “ankle bracelet monitor” out of the deck. ShooterB moves on to face the winner of perhaps the most creative and sickly twisted battle we’ve seen yet. If you haven’t read the banter between KSP and Verbal Intercourse, then friends, you haven’t lived. I’ve tried to incorporate some of the highlights into this blog, but that was some quality reading. I trust those of you who were around were kept entertained throughout. That being said, we had to determine a winner. Verbal got off some great sports-related blasts saying Charlie Villanueva had a better shot growing eyebrows than KSP had of advancing, and then threatening to send Joe Paterno some Asian anime porn to send him into cardiac arrest. He also suggested his Nittany Lion opponent was pleasuring himself to “The Lion King.” KSP was relentless, however, ending nearly each entry with “KSP to the Elite 8.” Those words ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. See for yourself…
“KSP has more game than Milton Bradley (the board game company, which has sold billions and entertained an infinite number of people)... Verbal’s got as much game as Milton Bradley... the baseball player... who throws fits as much as you are going to when you go home after this round."
“Karl Malone told me what he whispered for years at the free throw line... how horrible you are and the fact that you thought you had a shot to beat KSP in this tournament... it just was so ridiculous to him, that it allowed him to clear his head and be able to focus on making the shot.”
“I heard this morning that my match against Verbal was such a lock in my favor that PETE ROSE actually decided to get back into gambling.”
While many before Verbal have tried to make a play on what KSP actually stands for, KSP’s take on Verbal Intercourse’s name were biting and abstract. “What would you consider masturbation... talking to yourself?” “When someone gives you a ‘verbal commitment’ to something... is that like a long-term relationship for you?” “If you are having a fight within yourself, in which you are yelling at yourself for doing something stupid.... does makeup sex immediately happen after?” Let this be a memo to ShooterB. Bring you’re A game to the next round and don’t make a feeble attempt at guessing what KSP stands for. It will most likely be returned in scathing fashion. In the end, the Nittany Lion was too much for the Sex Panther. Much props, however, goes out to Verbal for adequately pointing out that since the inception of the brackets, he’s noticed a lot more good reads on this site that he never would have known about. That was the intention of this project. Verbal, thanks for noticing, and if you’re interested, I invite you to help me judge the next round.
In the Midwest bracket, fans were openly rooting for an Ohio State-Michigan match-up to get to the Final Four. The 16th seed and upset specialist Pete_Nice took on the Mustard Man and Pete was ruthless from start to finish. Mustard’s limericks were no match for the Buckeye this round. When Mustard claimed the last time he had sex, even his neighbors needed a smoke, Pete responded that the neighbors lit up a smoke “as well as a lot of incense to cover up the dead fish smell coming from his house.” Pete referenced Clue (Colonel Mustard... in the library... with the tube steak) and while Mustard boasted of his .800 batting average in his softball league, Pete correctly pointed out that the only stats that matter in recreational softball are “wins, beers consumed, and number of bar sluts ####ed.” The Buckeye advances and holds up his part of the bargain. The bottom half of the Midwestern bracket featured blogging mainstays The_Dan and Flying Pig. A victory by the Pig would have resulted in the Big Ten match-up everyone was dreaming about. Dan wasn’t opposed to that stating Pig could have the ”Michigan/Ohio State rivalry in the stands where he will hold up a sign that says he’d been punished into retirement by The Dan". Pig began bad-mouthing Canada with lines like “Dan, isn't it sad when BORAT'S country of Kazakstan is a bigger international basketball threat than Canada? Has Canada ever won a GAME let alone an international basketball tournament? Remember, Steve Nash excels at passing the ball to AMERICAN players.” And as you might have guessed, the pork references flew as well. High-sticking Dan told his opponent to get on the grill since Canadians love bacon. When Pig asked Dan if that meant he wanted to eat him, Hannibal Dan responded that he inadvertently took Pig off the grill “a touch early so he could rip through the tenderness.” When Pig responded that Dan’s ingesting of undercooked pork products led to an “outbreak of Trichinosis on his team,” Dan responded that the actual cause of his “fever, muscle soreness, pain and swelling around the eyes was only because he was on his 22nd beer waiting for his next opponent.” The nod goes ever so slightly to…. The Dan.
Over in the South, rivjo squared off against LSUFan in another heated and extremely difficult contest to judge. In fact, the judges split evenly in this matchup. While Riv started off with the traditional hunting, skinning, swamp rat and bayou lines, LSU claimed that when he skinned riv’s wife, in her drawers, he found “an entire carton of Canadian Nightcrawlers hidden along with Ben Wallace’s fro.” We’re assuming this was minus the headband. LSU claimed it was appropriate that rivjo was a special ed teacher since he met all the qualifications including “helmet, wheelchair, mouthpiece and Depends.” Rivjo then countered, offering to pull some strings to get the Special Olympics held in Louisiana to “temporarily increase the average level of intelligence in his state.” Rivjo accused LSU of being in the ‘bumper sticker’ business and asked if Bobby Bouchet, the lead character from “The Waterboy” was loosely based on LSU’s life story, agreeing to let them film the movie on his estate “in exchange for a pair of alligator boots, matching gator belt, a raccoon trap and a hand-held shrimp net.” In the end, rivjo narrowly advanced in a split decision as in the end, the judges chose to give the drummer some. Rivjo will now face Crookednose. Although Fulltilt threatened to straighten out Crookednose, Crooked offered to “allow the Patriots fan to get ahead 21-3… then have him blow the biggest lead in Fox Blogs History and wake Gisele up for the second half.”
In the bracket you’ve all been waiting for Socal faced off against Hoffman, asking him to take off his ballet tu-tu for this big dance. Hoffman rapped that Socal should “take a break from educating the leaders of tomorrow” and that “instead of attending parent teacher conferences and faculty meetings, Socal’s at foxsports.com where he receives regular beatings.” But Socal pointed out that ‘Humpman’ only logs on a couple a times a day because the library makes him share the computer, then runs him off at night. SoCal also got off a “Tootsie” blast saying his opponent, although not related to Dustin Hoffman, does wear stockings on the weekends and is considering a sex change so he can compete in the WNBA, citing Amaechi was impressed with his workouts. Socal will advance to meet the winner of the MeanDovine-Lisa4USC matchup. And again, in this battle, the judges were torn. Lisa’s constant thrashing was effectively countered by MeanDovine’s responses, who apparently took enough time off his Best Damn Guard series to put our beloved diva in her place. I haven’t seen “Black Snake Moan” yet, but if this battle was any indication, I can pretty much guess the storyline, minus the visual of a pot-bellied, grey-haired, wife-beater wearing MeanDovine with Lisa4Ricci chained to his front porch. Lisa commenced by blasting MeanDo’s writing, saying she uses his blogs to line her bird cage and wrap dead fish. She also kept asking him when his shift at Wendy’s was over so he could return home to his cardboard box. However MeanDo’s counterattacks were just plain nasty. When Lisa told him she saw him driving around in his bald-tired, green Pacer, MeanDo promised to “never get rid of that Pacer since they had some good times in that car.” When Lisa offered to pimp his ride, MeanDo responded with “Lisa, you are my ride. And I been pimping yo #### since you first showed your "pretty" face round here.” When Lisa claimed his fate was sealed as she was ####ing all the judges, Mean told me to “listen for the echo as it's cavernous in there.” When Lisa googled the meaning of the word Dovine, he claimed she did so only to find out where her daddy lives. And finally MeanDo claimed my choosing to match the White heifer with a Black man is cliche as they’ve already “run off with enough of yawl's sweet innocence over the past five centuries?” Ouch! Game, Set, Match… Black Snake Moan. Lisa, unfortunately bows out this round, not for lack of love. Lisa, I’d be honored if you helped me judge the next round of action.
So there we have it… the Elite 8. Sorry it took so long to post, but South Florida’s debauchery was calling. I’ve posted the events of that trip on my neighboring adult blog site. It’s a pay site, so you all will need a password and credit card for access. The Elite will soon be notified and the Final Four is only days away. No bloody noses like Hansbrough’s, please. We now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast to determine who’s the nastiest blogger in the land.
Note: Due to prior obligations and a heavy workload, MeanDovine has forfeited his victory and allowed Lisa4USC to continue on in the tournament. SoCalSportsFan could not be reached for comment.
The trash-talking, jabber-jawing, team-bashing and hometown-cracking continued with vim and vigor and we have finally narrowed down the competition to our Sweet 16. Many of you have graciously expressed that, in addition to introducing you to the work of others, has also served as a release. That was the intent. So thank you and congratulations to all those who participated. I would like to thank the Academy…. of Foxbloggers.
With no set rules or point assessment, the judging in this round was extremely difficult. Debate was even more heated, to the point that one particular weblog commented on the family member of another, leading to offense and resentment. Fortunately, the disagreement was quickly resolved in a civil fashion and the contest waged on. For the most part, we’ve all shown great sense of humor and originality, compiled with an understanding of each others writing styles, sports teams, allegiances and home cities. Let’s be sure to keep it that way. Stay classy, San Diego.
Now, a recap of second round action, in case you missed it. In the East, Shooter abandoned his weekly viewing of “Happy Gilmore” and instead chose “Hoosiers” as his inspiration. After an impressive first round, GR8 failed to attend, leading Shooter to comment “If I were playing me, I guess I wouldn't show up either.” Despite Nostradamus’ refusal to resort to child abuse by beating his opponent, NY Ace advanced saying that as a prophet, Nostradamus, should have foreseen his inevitable victory. Ace will now have his hands full with ShooterB in a battle that should prove extremely testy. In one of the more heated second round match-ups, KSP squared off against Josh Q Public. First, a mutual respect was paid between these fine two writers, and then they went to work. The Nittany Lion’s roar proved too much for Josh too handle, cracking that Josh’s "Q's" would be searching for "A's" and that his avatar reminded him of the movie "Quiz Show"... great ratings, but a big flop in the theater, like his 2nd round performance.” And in one of the more animated match-ups in this round, Verbal Intercourse faced off against masked superhero, Marvel. Despite Marvel’s superpowers including his alleged Pubicidal Whack and Scrotumal Battering, Verbal’s backlash was too much for Marvel’s power cosmic. He offered his opponent an autographed picture of AK47Spiderman and claimed Marvel had orgies with his action figures. For those of you that failed to view Verbal’s video of Marvel in action, I highly recommend you take the time. The upcoming match-up between Verbal Intercourse and KSP should be one for the ages.
The Midwestern bracket featured one of the most heated and creative battles yet and proved nearly impossible to judge. 16 seed Pete_Nice faced off against Ricko the groundskeeper. This battle was tastefully and creatively nasty from the start. Pete got off some early blasts, waiting for Ricko to finish his knitting classes before showing up. When Pete said one of the only good things to come out of North Dakota was Roger Maris, Rick responded that “Maris should have attended THE Ohio State University as he would've made a lot more money.” Ricko also got in some nice Buckeye playbook cracks (Guys, allow yourself a moment to visit Pete’s post and read the comments for quality entertainment). But the mere fact that Ricko admitted reading the OSU playbooks with his family on Thanksgiving proved there actually is nothing better to do in North Dakota, giving Pete_Nice an ever so slight nod. We won’t mention the fact that Ricko also admitted incestual Thanksgiving Day relations. Guess those playbooks set the mood. This, friends, was a truly great battle. Later, MustardMan condimentalized the absent Mr Green citing his opponent exercised good judgment and did not show up. Mustard will have his hands full with the battling Buckeye if he intends to advance to the Elite 8. Another quality match-up pitted Bengals against The_Dan. Despite Bengals’ denigrating all of Canada, Dan’s one-liner’s were too sharp-witted and creative… “Bengals I'm going to turn the clock back to 2002 when you were 1-15.” He threatened to put Akili Smith back in the lineup and reminded Bengals “I'm Ike and your Tina. I'm the A-Team, you're the reason my plan came together.” In the match-up turned sour that I mentioned earlier, Hoit landed a low-blow against Flying Pig. We are all familiar with hoit and know that no harm or malice was intended. Pig then used the old bait-and-switch, lulling hoit into regretting his actions, then forcing him back into battle. Pig will advance in this match-up, however, as moderating future rounds will become even more subjective, I am asking that Hoit serve as the Miyagi to my Daniel-san and assist me in judging upcoming commentary. I’d also like Ricko to serve as a fellow judge. That should keep you guys honest.
In the South bracket, Marty Walker put up a valiant effort against rivjo, but the one seed has proven unbeatable in the early rounds. When Marty asked was a rivjo is, riv replied with this classic… “At my job they take the first parts of your last and first name and put them together to make your email for the job. Hence rivjo. For example, if you worked with me you might be walmart. Wouldn't that be ironic. Your on the job email would also be your goddam favorite store.” In another contested battle, LSUFan faced off against TYHillenbrandt. Ty got off a quality “Tim Hardaway hates your team colors” shot on LSUFan, but the Bayou Bengal was relentless in his comebacks. “Ty how is Quick ####s going these days? Let me guess, explosive and watery at the beginning with a nice splash at the end.” “Ty, when you won that 5th Graders writing contest did your mother call the neighbors and relatives to come over and see the 1st place blue ribbon she magnetized to the fridge?” “Hey Ty, Jim Grey called and wants his job back!” After much deliberation, LSU topped Ty, but it was much closer than Saturday’s LSU-Florida game. Speaking of Florida, Crooked Nose swatted FloridaFlavor like Kevin Stallings slapped Joakim Noah last weekend, and Fulltilt knocked off Edmondspk. I guess I shouldn’t have pulled myself out of the contest as no Gators remain. I hope that isn’t premonition.
The West featured another dedicated blog, this time from Socal about Showtime. Showtime, although, did not disappoint in his rebuttal. He claimed not to be intimidated by Socal’s Supergirl logo and reminded SoSmallSportsfan that taking his “trailer off the blocks in Podunk and moving it to Mission Beach, doesn’t make him from SoCal.” In the end Socal’s blog and accusing Showtime of traveling with a Michael Vick water bottle was too much. Guess it is time for that Silver Bullet. Socal narrowly advances. Hoffman advances over the unfortunately absent Nooch, leading to a nice Southern California battle for supremacy. As expected, Lisa4USC advanced, although BMoynihan gave her all she wanted, threatening to write 5,000 words about what he did on his family vacation. But Lisa, in addition to sleeping with the judges, came up with the following blasts about BMoyn and his hometown state… “Granite is the densest material known to man, other than your blogging,” “The Granite Opera will be doing a whirlwind tour of Nova Scotia and New Hampshire. Let me know if anyone buys any tickets for this "must see" event. And they said there's nothing to do in New Hampshire.” She also discovered that the most famous resident of Moyn’s home state is the inventor of the bedazzler. MeanDovine spun some old school and new school hip-hop to take down the non-participatory Dusty. The Sweet 16 battle between MeanDovine and Lisa4USC reaches epic Duke-Kentucky proportions. MeanDo better show, because Lisa has been ruthless in the early going.
To those that failed to advance, you guys do great work. Glad I got the chance to spar with you guys. Everyone please continue to support and celebrate your fellow contributors. Keep blogging away and I will definitely stop in, as should everyone else. But for now…. Who wants to be elite?
For those of you anxiously awaiting Selection Sunday, instead, I present to you our Thwarting 32.
First off, thanks to all those who stopped by “The FoxBlogger Madness Bracket” and made it a 1,000 hit post. I had fun with the project and did the best I could with the seeds. In only three days, over 42 of the 64 bracketed bloggers actually stopped by to comment.
Now, strap in (not strap-ON, Lisa) for this next round promises to deliver even more fireworks. First, a disclaimer for the more sensitive among us. This is all in jest. In no way, shape of form do I claim to judge you, your character or your writing prowess. Again, this was intially intended to celebrate the community. The only reason I’m continuing this is because I was threatened to do so by several of you. You can now advance by continuing to bad-mouth (tastefully) your opponent, or by simply posting a quality weblog of your own that has nothing to do with the bracket itself.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s recap some of the first round highlights. Note: if an opponent failed to visit the blog for commentary, his spot was immediately forfeited, leaving a few slots open. Those seeds were then re-assigned to wither those who were left out from the beginning or those that put up a valiant effort in the first round, but were simply outmatched. Now, on to the play-by-play…
In the East, despite feigning back spasms, ShooterB still had enough Doan’s in him to advance to the second round. His being awarded “First and Ten Blog of the Month” was enough to push through him over 54Fulltilt, despite Fulltilt’s claim to go Happy Gilmore on his ####. For his efforts, however, Fulltilt has not been bounced out of the tourney, but rather placed in the South bracket, where I have respectfully bowed out of the competition to become a partial observer. Fulltilt will face Edmonspk in the second round. In an extremely fiery match-up, GR8UN, calling his opponent “BMoynihistory,” knocked a posturing BMoynihan, over to the Western bracket where he will face the spunky, Lisa4USC. Self-pronounced Kobe-hater, Cuziffer, gracefully bowed out of the competition. And I know, despite his black belt in blogging, tophatal is too much about the love to continue to dish out trash-talking to his fellow man. In their places, NY Ace, has been placed in the East (where he belongs), advancing by asking which EdClinch he was up against in the first round, “the lil punk kid or the ######## scenic pic.” Sorry, Lisa, but a second round match-up between you and Ace would have been too much to bear. NY Ace will instead face Nostradamus, who gets a new lease on life after being bounced by Ricko in the Midwest bracket. He should never have called Carl "just a lowly groundskeeper." KSP took down his Paterno counterpart and Josh Q Public also advanced. Chrispi showed up, but is too busy running an illegal book, so the bottom part of the Eastern bracket has been filled with Marvel and Verbal Intercourse. Have at it boys.
The West bracket, with the exception of one match-up saw some pretty tame trash-talking. Socal’s rhyming (beatbox not included) and Vearl’s pink dog were enough to push SoCal through where he’ll face Mr Showtime in the second round. Despite Sleepless’ claim that Nooch sewed his own Space Ghost costume, I couldn’t get her to fight dirty enough. Nooch’s “No rain in Seattle right now? Don't worry, once baseball season starts, the downpour of losing will be relentless” blast got him through. As nobody showed up in the 4-13 bracket, Nooch will face Hoffman, who secretly claims not to be Dusty. The 6-11 match-up was as HARDCORE as they come as AK Spiderman, after winning his Gathering tournament, told Lisa she was so good at cooking his dinner, that he wanted to sign her up for a cooking tournament instead. Lisa’s raw egg milkshake training regimen, however, was enough to edge the McNugget-eating Spider as she told him to get his prison homies to do his laundry. Ouch! Lisa faces BMoynihan, who BMetter step up his game against the Queen, or this time, he’ll be out for good. The bracket rounds out with Dusty and MeanDovine. Sounds like it’s time for some black-on-black crime. Note: AKSpiderman is being placed on Tournament “Special Reserve” meaning if one bracket fails to show, he’s back in, essentially giving him a bye to the next round. It’ll give him time to work on new material.
Onto the South, and as much as I love LetsGoBuffalo, the endless barrage of Buffalo jokes from rivjo was just too much for LGB to handle. See for yourself. “It's too bad. I like that Let'sGoBuffalo guy. He's scrappy.” “Damn man...I've been waiting for my buffalo wings. I like them hot. You better have brought the bleu cheese.” Rivjo also claimed that LBG sang the “I Love the Buffalo Bills” pride song at his middle school talent show. Rivjo will now face MartyWalker, who got bounced by the crane kick in the Midwest bracket. LSUFan advances, despite his lack of college backetball awareness, and will face TyHillenbrandt in the next round. CrookedNose advances with his Wilmer Valderamma entourage and faces Florida Flavor, who advanced since Demon’s apparently too busy at his other blogging site. To finish out the bracket, 54FullTilt will face Edmonspk.
The Midwest lived up to the hype with some serious fireworks. Pete_Nice advanced with blasts like “What the #### is a Chorizo and why do I have to play/eat/#### one?? “ Chorizo didn’t show, but I’m not sure it would have mattered. In doing so, Pete_Nice becomes the first 16 seed to advance. And they said it couldn’t be done! At least Ohio State won something this year. Despite his valiant efforts, Ricko was just TOO much Nostradamus to handle. Careful with those glass slippers, Ricko. Pete plays dirty. MustardMan, the 12 seed, topped the burger “not in an anti-Tim Hardaway way” and advances to play RobertGreen. Bengals better bring more than just pictures as he confronts the self-professed “strongest 3 seed ever” in The_Dan, who’s already told the rest of the tournament to all go home and watch him celebrate on CBS. The match-up between Hoit and Marty was heated to say the least. Hoit, while playing with his Miyagi Fathead…. er, avatar cited Kevin Durant is “talented” but Marty Walker is “gifted.” Hoit also boasted to be tight with Joe Lunardi. Hoit will now have his hands full with the 2 seed in FlyingPig.
So have at it, guys. You can continue with the trash-talking on here, or write your own. If you do blast your opponent on your own blog, please notify me here so I can follow the conversation.
Again, guys, please take the high road. Hate blogs only will count against you and may result in disqualification. And remember, a quality blog of your own will be enough to get you through.
Let the competition continue and on to the Sweet 16 we go!
In anticipation of March Madness, I thought I’d stir the pot just a touch.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you FoxBlogger Madness 2007, complete with regional seeds and high intensity first round action. This year’s contest celebrates wit and eloquence, ideas and ideologies, spelling and spunk.
First, an apology to those “bubble writers” that failed to make the field of 64. If you don’t see your name in any region, I promise you it’s not for lack of respect. I tried to include all those I’ve conversed with over the short time I’ve been part of this community. If you strictly write about hockey or NASCAR, again, I apologize, but I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of clicking that link. Call it an East coast bias.
A quick note on how I determined the seeds: if you’ll grant me the honor of carefully reviewing the brackets, you’ll find that most participants are grouped into their particular region of the country. Seeds were very loosely based on originality, creativity and participation, not only on your own blog, but also commenting on the work of others. Again, I don’t pretend to have read every piece of material in our network, but I have gained a good feel for who we are and where we stand. Despite differences in age, background, gender, affiliation and education, we all share a respect and love for the world of sports, no matter how we choose to define it.
I won’t pretend to fill out the second round of brackets; I’ll leave that speculation to the readers. If you’ll entertain me enough to take a gander, you’ll notice there are NO easy first round match-ups. Each bracket is STACKED!!! Feel free to comment on which region holds the most talent, which number one seed, if any, is likely to fall first or which low seed might become this year’s Cinderella blogger.
Let’s begin by taking a look at the East bracket: We have an 8-9 clash for the ages between GR8 and Moynihan. And look at that 6 versus 11 seed. Guess no two Nittany Lions make the second round.
I love the 7-10 scuffle in the Midwest. Marty will have his hands full with the Crane Kick. Look eye…. Always look eye. Care for a little Mustard on your Burger in the 5-12, perhaps? A Pig slops against a Hog in the 2 versus 15? And check out the AFC North battle in the 6-11 slot. Bengals versus Steelers. It’s funny how things work out, huh?
The South features an early catfight at the 8-9 position, pitting SouthernCindi against Tiny. You can see I played no favorites to Florida Gators in this bracket. Fatmaw’s placement in this bracket guarantees him the match-up against Florida he’s been yearning for all year long.
The West sports another brutal 8-9 battle between Showtime and Miracle. Spidey can’t be happy drawing constant contributor, Lisa4USC, in the first round. And poor Dusty draws NorCal. Hey, with 64 talented individuals, no victory is a foregone conclusion.
