There is a move afoot in the NBA that needs to be addressed right here and now.  I simply don't know where the absurdity ends, do you?

Some people have the nerve to suggest that Kobe Bryant is the MVP for this season.

When Lebron James played 40 minutes today and took his worthless teammates to victory over the Mighty Chicago Bulls (23-35) early on Sunday his stat line looked like this.

Minutes   Shots/made    F/T    3pt    Rebounds  Assists  Blocks  Steals   T/0    P/F  Points

40               15-29          7/8      0-5          6                6              0           1            3       1     37

Other than King James, his worthless teammates shot  a miserable 22 of  51 or 43%

One sportswriter immediatly posted on the net that James is the king of pressure, the sultan of stress, the comeback kid. The best in the NBA during crunch time and Lebron obliged the press by stating that the fourth quarter is what he lives for. His time.

Now let's compare Bryant's numbers in the Laker's overtime win over the lowly Dallas Mavericks. Those of the no count 39-20 record.

51         15-27        20-27       2/3      11          4              2        1          5         2     52                        

Other than the selfish one, his teammates shot a workman like 16 of 60 or 26%.

See what I mean here. It should be obvious to everyone but the worst homers alive that Bryant is a poser who in no way has enough game to be compared to Lebron James.

However, just in case you're just in from Baangladesh or a mental hospital let me break it down for you.

1.) James shot 29 times making 15, Bryant 27 times making 15. James in 40 minutes, Bryant in 51. Obviously Bryant's team shot so poorly because he wouldn't share the ball and showed no confidence in his teammates. BHY (Ball hog of the Year perhaps. MVP no way).

2.)   James made 7/8 free throws while Bryant made 20/27. Several things jump out at you here. Obviously the refs give Bryant more free throws because he stinks out loud at shooting FT's with a bad finger. Also despite being taller, quicker, more hops and all the Cavs have, Lebron is a real man who subscribes to the theory that real men don't  take it to the rim in traffic bad finger or not. Real men jack up their shots from outside and only drive to the rim when nobody is between them and the rim.

3.) Lebron was 0-5 from 3 land while Bryant was 2-3. doesn't take a Rocket Scientist here to see that Lebron was on his game and didn't need the 3's to lead the 4th quarter charge while Bryant was his usual selfish self and refused to shoot more 3's because he's a wuss who was wheeling and dealing at the rim in traffic picking up those wussy foul shots. Jeez what a wuss.

4.)James had 6 boards while the 2 inch shorter guard Bryant had 11 boards. Once again a clear case of rebound hogging by Bryant while the team player James shared the rebounds with his teammates. Bryant is selfish in every aspect of his game and it make me want to puke.

5.) James throughally dominated Bryant in assists 6-4. You Laker lovers don't need to fall back on that 26% shooting by Bryants teammates either. Even if they had shot 80% he wouldn't have gotten to 6 assists. Just the way he is.

6.) They tied in steals at one each but you have to take into consideration that Bryant is being a wimp here. Anyone with a bad pinky should get a dozen steals with that bandage over the pinky and Lebron is busy being a leader.

7.)  James didn't have a block while the shorter Bryant had two but that's just because James wasn't informed 7"3" Z was out or otherwise he would have had 12 blocks. Just a case of miscommunication by Cav management.

James is clearly the superior player. Seems a wrap to me. But only if you're immature, a Kobe hater, blind, ignorant, on SSI for mental defencies (pick one. Hell pick em all.) 

If a mature reasonably rational adult were to become a professional basketball fan overnight and dive in headfirst into the game by starting with a sports blog or chat room that person would reasonably assume that the Los Angeles Lakers are the most hated team in the NBA. The NBA's version of the Yankee's if you will.

And that person would be correct.  What a newcomer most likely would miss is that you don't become the most hated without being the most liked as well.

Old adages states obvious cliches "success breeds success" and also state "familiarity breeds contempt."  A combination the two best describes the Lakers and their many detractors. "Success breeds familiarity which in turn breeds intense jealousy."

While the Boston Celtics continue to hold the record for the number of titles and for the most consecutive titles, those titles are aging rapidly and many fans weren't alive during those years. The Lakers are always lurking about in every decade either winning titles or going to the playoffs. In fact, the Lakers have only missed the playoffs twice during most fans lifetimes. The Lakers hold the second most titles but in addition hold the record for the most finals losses. They've  been there,. done that.

Considering that no team including the Celtics have been to the finals even a third of the time of their existance and that the New York Knicks, the largest market and richest of all franchises has won only two titles and is now 30 years without a title, the Lakers record of playoff success has caused an huge amound of jealousy around the country.

Laker fans are often called smug and overbearing. My idea of smug and overbearing are Kings fans during the era of always coming up short. To have heard them tell it, they never lost a game that the referees didn't outright throw the game against the Kings.

Today the most overbearing fans in existance reside in Phoenix Arizona where despite having never won an NBA title and having been to the finals only once in their history,. they constantly brag, dismissing the Lakers, Spurs and everyone else.

In every televised NBA game you will see fans in road areans in Laker Jersey's and chanting MVP and Kobe at Kobe Bryant.

A Laker loss in the early rounds of the playoffs is cause for wild celebration among the Laker haters. A loss in the finals is cause for wild celebration by Laker haters regardless of who their favorite team may be and despite their team wasn't the team beating the Lakers.

Every loss, every miscue, every bad game by Bryant is overblogged to the point of absurdity. The Laker's losing to the very good young Portland team after 10 Laker wins in a row is cause for declarations of the Lakers being "finished".

My pick for the NBA champion this year is the Spurs. Said all along that the Spurs are the team that has the best record in the league after the all star break and even if not they will be ready. Injuries, as with everyone, notwithstanding.

I would prefer that either the Lakers or Magic win the title but feel the Spurs will likely win it all.

When one considers the standings, the Spurs, Lakers, and Pistons fans have bragging rights at the moment. They are the only three teams with a title in the past decade who are competitive this year.

The Mavs, the Hornets, the Suns, The Jazz,  the Celtic fans have a right to be hopeful.

The Rockets, the Nuggets, the Warriors, the Trail Blazer, the Magicand the Cav  fans have a right to daydream.

The rest of you are just haters.

And nothing you say changes the reality of it all. When one team is hated more, written more about, denied due respect and lied about more than all other teams combined you have America's team. The nature of America is to disrepect America's icons in all walks of life today. As a country the U.S.A. well deserves the title of "Ugly Americans" as we revere success less than we revere slum kids bragging about how much bling bling and women they have.

The Los Angeles Lakers are America's NBA team. You hate too much to ignore them. They have to be.

When Sam Cassell and Cuttino Mobley came to the Clippers I stated that the Clippers had outdone themselves in terms of selfish and immature players.

When the Lakers were busy falling apart and the Clippers made the playoffs for only the second time in all of their Los Angeles History certain people, ok, one person, rampaged, frothed, drooled, slobbered and generally slimed up the joint declaring from the highest rooftops that the Clippers were now Los Angeles's team and that the Lakers might just as well pack their bags and slink off to Possum Gulch where they might be able to find more than half a dozen loyal fans.

When I stated that Elton Brand was the straw that stirred the drink on the Clippers and that Livingston was too frail and would never be a force at point guard for the Clippers I was told in no uncertain terms that I knew nothing about the game and should take a seat.

When I said that Donald T. Sterling and Elgin Baylor's moment in the sun was more luck than management skills, I was called a hater and moreover, that I,  like all Laker fans, was living in the past.

When Sam Cassel was finally successful in deserting his team yesterday and got his release to go play for the Celtics all I can say is.......

How 'bout them Clippers?

Far too often the NBA and many fans; the NBA in their never ending promotion of the ridiclous and the fan in their never ending "anyone but Kobe is the best in the game" jealousy, rant, froth and drool over yet another meaningless record.

The latest is the insanity over Lebron James becoming the "youngest to score 10,000 points in his career" record. Much is , made over the fact that he did so in well under a year in the time of Bryant who had previously held this meaningless record.

Lost in the accolades was this tidbit in the reporting of James having done so.

"James accomplished this feat in XYZ number of games which is the 9th least number of games to have accomplished this feat."

The record is moot on three counts.

1.) MJ would not have been MJ had he not stayed in college two years and even if he had matured into what he became had he turned pro after high school he certainly would not have been the all around player that he was. MJ benefited greatly from 2 years under Dean Smith as obviously would have both Bryant and James. Even so, MJ entered the league scoring and might well have had this record without either having breaking the record had MJ of entered the pro's early as did the other two. The only "record" for milestones in scoring quickly in terms of longevity should be the number of games in which it took to achieve the milestone.

2.) The rule for players ages was changed the year after James thereby ensuring no one would ever break this "record".  Any so called record not subject to being broken is no record at all in my view.

3.) If the rule had not of been changed whose to say that one day the NBA would not have drafted another Kareem Abdul Jabbar who that time around dropped out in 10th grade and got a two year jump on James in scoring in the NBA?

A meaningless record for immature haters. Nothing more.

Over the past year my wife has been hounding and prodding and pushing and harrassing me to stop wasting my time pretending to be a sportswriter when n I had numerous novels and screeplays in various states of  completition and had simply walked away from them time and time again.

Long story short during the past year I have gone back and spend a day here and a week there working on rewrites and submitting various stories to various venues and people and it is with great pride that I can announce that the novel formerly entitled "Alms to Oblivion" ,which ironically was orgionallly set in Viet Nam but never submitted to anyone, went a full rewrite and has emerged as  virtually the same story with one somewhat major change and is now set in Afganistan. It is now beginning the first of what undoubtably will be numerous studio rewrites under the working title of  "Clowns".

It is with great pride that I now inform you that I have been employed as one of the Scriptwriters on this project.

If all goes well you may expect to see this film  within the coming year.

This means once again I'm gone for a while. I shall return.  To all of those who have so kindly tolerated my  defencies as a sportswriter, I thank you. To all those who angered me, I thank you as well. I am not a gifted writer but in order to get into character many times you have enabled me to be  "in the mood" for where I needed my mind to go.

Never say goodbye when you can say see you later.

Much has been made of many things here of late in the Western Conference and most of it well deserved. The Lakers set an NBA record for the most successful 9 game road trip with a 7-2 record after acquiring Paul Gasol and he stepped in and made an impact immediately.. The Suns picked up Shaq who, while not playing as of yet, always makes an impact due to his being the Big Blabbermouth and his legions of little blabbermouth fans chorusing right in.

Most the fans of other various contending Western Conference teams are cheering Deaven George for holding up the trade that would bring Jason Kidd to the Mavericks and extorting George to stick by his guns. Probably won't happen, Kidd will likely become a Mav, and that puts yet another log on the Western fire.

Chris Paul and the New Orleans Hornets keep on winning despite virtually ever writer and knowledgable NBA blogger propping them but predicting they won't have the experience and depth to pull it off.  Paul and his teammates may not be able to read, as at the time of this writing they are the team atop the Western Conference.

Let's just cut to the chase here shall we and make our prediction for the West Playoffs.

Chris Paul and the New Orleans Hornets keep on winning despite virtually ever writer and knowledgable NBA blogger propping them but predicting they won't have the experience and depth to pull it off.  Nuff Said.

While Jason Kidd may well get the Mavericks to the Western Conference finals, they won't win the West due to the Mavs having virtually no bench left after the trade and Kidd is not being enough of a shooter to make up the difference.

Assuming Shaq gets in shape and does everything his 36 year old body allows him to do he'll still be 36. He's the only Sun who has ever played on a title team and only Sun to have ever been on a winning Western Conference Team. Bluntly put, the Suns have choke in their veins.

While Laker fans eagerly await the return of Andrew Bynum, believing that he along with Kobe and Gasol and the remaining Lakers are a cinch to win the West the truth is that Bynum's return is not certain at all in terms of his being effective and Bryant is going to be nursing a damaged finger for the remainder of the season. A finger that is going to be stabbed at, yanked on, slapped and generally abused by every other player in the league. Maybe next year for the Lakers. Too many injuries. This starting to look like the Clippers injury report.

The Jazz, Rockets and Nuggetts could make noise but from here it isn't going to happen. The Jazz are too thin, The Rockets are too dependent on T-Mac and the Nuggets are just too selfish.

While everyone was oohing and ahing the Lakers 7-2 road trip, the Spurs without Tony Parker came home from their own 9 game road trip with a gaudy 6-3 record. Including a game in Cleveland where Manu Ginobli out Lebron'd Lebron.

In the Tim Duncan Era  the Spurs have traditionally been written off because they don't lead the West at the All Star Break and then they have the best record in the league after the break.

People like to point out that the Spurs are old. Like to point out that the Spurs have not won back to back.

I'd like to point out that the Spurs go into the break  34-17 and two games off the pace.

All roads go into  San Antonio in the West and my bet is no roads lead out.

We NBA fans often take things for granted. Think we know what is going on behind the scenes across the league. We know less than nothing it now appears if the information we were able to obtain out of the NBA Commissioner's office is true.

Starting with the trade  of Pau Gasol to the Lakers,. a bold new realignment plan for the NBA has begun. A 3 year plan we are told, will conclude with the East being renamed the CBA and all teams located east of the Mississippi River plus the Clippers (situated in the Eastern Conference for the spygate advantages possible by keeping them at Staples so they can steal coaches signals from both Laker home games and their own, plus they still have Donald T. Sterling as their owner) will constitute the Eastern Conference.

Within 3 years total, every player worth having now playing in the East icluding but not limited to, Dwight Howard, Lebron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh will be traded to a Western Conference team for little of nothing to ensure parity in the West is maintained.

This action will ensure the success of a larger 10 year plan to achieve parity throughout the league as each and every eastern team will then draft ahead of the Western teams for the remaining 7 years and due to aging/attrition in the West,  the East will then be the equal of the Western conference.

For all the disparaging remarks bandied about concerning Mr Stern, you have to admit. Does this sound like a plan or what?

Numerous times I have stated that I don't know if Clemens took HGH or not and like the vast majority of Americans in polls, I don't care if he did or not.

But what I do believe is that he's won and he's won big.

The former Senator Mitchell report claimed widespread and continual use of Steroids and Human Growth Hormones in Major league Baseball and quickly shot up Clemens and a number of former Yankees and very little else.

Fact:  Mitchell is a one time mini minority owner of arch rival Boston Red Sox.

Fact:   Roger Clemens was rudely shown the door in Boston after around 150  wins long before these drugs were an issue and was shown the door on the ground he was not worth a pay raise on his contract due to a quickly dying arm and he was a flame thrower.

Fact:  It now appears that the Mitchell Report is based largely on the words of former Clemens person trainer Brian MacNamee who can't keep from expanding his story every time he gets on camera. He's like the Acadamy award winner who can't stop thanking people. His story is added onto far beyond the scope of anything we were told in the intital Mitchell report.

Fact:  It now appears that MacNamee has a fetish for blood stained items and the public has responded in repulsion and disbelief with even the word Jeffrey Dahmer being tossed in as someone whom MacNamee impressed them as being like. Ridiclous as this may seem on the face of it, public perception is public reality. The tide of a don't care public is now openly on the side of Mr. Clemens.

Fact:  In a city where a President will out a covert CIA agent as punishment for her husband challenging his lies, in a city where everything is spun before allowed to see the light of day, the idea that our Senate is somehow trustworthy is a reach beyond Biblical porportions and these Senators know this. 

Andy Pettite asked and was granted permission to not appear before the Senate in regards to his role in HGH. Two others were also removed from the witness list at the same time. Statements were made that these people had nothing further to offer and that their previous recorded testimony supports MacNamee more so than Clemens. This is pure spin.

Clemens is not on trial here. This is not a grand jury nor is it a Criminal or Civil court. This is an attempt to intimidate Clemens to aquise prior to his having even testified. In America the accused has a right to confront their accuser. Anything read into the record by the Senate without allowing Clemens to directly confront his accuser becomes automatically inadmissable in a court of law for a number of legal reasons.

The MacNamee claims of injecting Mrs Clemons is a desperate attempt to link a sports related crime due to here having appeared in a magazine with the word Sports in the title and is again beyond absurd on the face of it as a single injection a day or so ahead of a photo shoot is not going to change her appearance to a degree that a soft camera lens couldn't do in the first place.

The final straw in the Mitchell-MacNamee circus came home to roost with his indignant claim that Clemens had attended a party at steroid celebrity Jose Canceso's home with no claim of steroid usage at that party. It's irrelevant and would never be allowed in a court of law. A furious and weak attempt to extend a failing case based on the word of a person now clearly appearing to be a serial blabbermouth.

Instead of the desired result coming about once again by the Clemens #### mob, what instead has happened in the court of public opinion is that the majority of people now on Clemens side are chortling and asking since when does a personal trainer keep track of what parties his boss attends nearly 10 years prior?

It's over. This fight has been declared forfeit due to Clemens fighting an unarmed opponent. He will never be charged for anything. And while some may hold it against him when hall of fame voting comes around, he is not  someone who has his hall of fame credentials based on just a season of excelling nor on a couple of seasons.

He will be in the Hall of Fame and the Mitchell Report has extended the amount of damage done to the integrity of the game while serving no useful purpose in doing so.

Somewhere Barry Bonds is grinning like the Cheshire Cat tonight.

Oh yeah? Well I suppose you can prove to the Senate I had my green card when you hired me to wash your car and smuggle HGH and 'roids across the border at less than minmum wage. You have no documentation of you paying taxes on me either do you?

You were born here. You're crazy.

Senators on behalf of my client and Sen. Mitchell's star witness i submit to the court of public opinion that the burden of proof is on Roger Clemens to prove my client is not illegal. Furthermore I think this clearly identifies Clemens as an HGH user who forced my client to inject a nude Mrs Clemens and every female under 30 in Southern California and the Bronx who are at least a 5 when you're sober.

Hell I'll do a three myself.

That's because you're 94 Senator Passed.  But you're right, I'll do a one and wake up screaming if I'm drunk. The girls all get prettier at closing time.

Point of order to my fellow Senators. Chair has not yielded the floor. Counselor do  you have any full nude photographs of Mr Clemons forcing Mr MacNamee shooting up the fox? Or any of the other 200 or so he shot up?

Not yet senator but we're working on it. Would you like to pass around a ballot so we can find out which of you like redheads and who is into blonds and so on?

Just put me down for the big headlights.

AWWWW JEEEZ.  All I did was take two shots when my arm rehab was going on and George was calling me ever day yelling at me about all the money i was making. That's it. i want out of this. I'm not testifying. i don't know anything else.

SIT DOWN MR PETTITE!!!!  This is the United States Senate. We will have some decorum here and you will show some respect or you will held in contempt.

Suprised you could hear me speak with the migrating Zebras, Wildabeast, Gazelles and Lions and all the rest of the #### in here.

They're not migrating Sir. they live here. Now straighten up! Yes, council for the Quack. Sup?

We'd like the record to show that Mr Petrie has once again confessed and that Brian MacNamee was forced by Rob to inject Laura in the well, sensitive regions. With the  burden of proof on Mr. Clemens, since he has not done so and clearly cannot do so because he did it, we would ask that the Senate ban him from the Hall of fame, have him executed on Thursday, Friday and Monday of next week.

Do you have film of him injecting Laura?

We have bloody gauze and empty vial with his fingerprints on the inside of the vial Senator.

HE'S LYING AND HE'S A DIRTY ROTTEN LIAR!!!

I have records of me being at my own party and since I've narced off every single player whose name I could remember you'd think I'd be ready to pass out copies of my new book if he was my party wouldn't  you?

Mr. Canseco sit the hell down would you sir? Unless you have photographs of someone injecting Alex Rodriquez's wife you got nothing to say sir.

Senator on behalf of Senator Mitchell and the American public, we'd like Mr Clemens transferred forthwith to Guantanamo Bay and waterboarded due to irrefutable proof of him forcing Brian Bosworth to inject Alex Rodriquez's wife in the nude. Jose Canseco is a proven liar and he has no proof that Brian Wilson didn't shower that morning. Mr Cancesco has no credibility whatsoever.

Yeah but you would have believed him if he had of said I was there wouldn't you?

Mr Clemens we can't allow you to continue these sort of outbursts in the Senate. One more and you'll be tasered.

HEY Y'ALL CHECK OUT MY NEW BUSINESS. THIS T-SHIRT I'M WEARING. SAYS 'SPEAK ENGLISH" IN CASE Y'ALL CAN'T READ  ENGLISH.

Who are you sir?

John Rocker, and Bud Selig knew i was doing steroids. i got them from his son who sold on the subway on the 34 line.

Senator John Rocker is a racist who was stoned to deatr in Shea Stadium nearly a decade ago by  battery throwing Patriots. The man has no credility.

Why would I lie about seeing Clemens inject Puerto Rican crack addicts on the subway?

Senator in light of Mr Rockers irrefutable testimony along with being a person of high moral character and 3 affadavids stating that the last thing they saw was Roger Clemens at the controls of both the first and the second planes that flew into the World Trade center and forcing Brian macnamee to inject nude women, we would ask the senate to indict Mr Clemens for felony dog fighting, torturing to death his dogs, illegal gambling and starting a riot in a strip club.

You have film of him forcing Mr MacNamee to inject nude strippers?

And nude dogs as well Senator.

Am I up to date? I'm trying, really really trying to keep up.  I realize that the integrity of the both the game and our Senate are at stake here. I'm trying my best. But to be honest?  The second Brian MacNamee claims Clemens made him inject a nude Rosie O'Donnell and he does have photos? I'm off the case.

T-Mobile has scored with the Dwayne Wade-Charles Barkley Fave 5 commercials. Having no drive to accomplish anything left and little opportunity for, well never mind, here are some commercials we'd like to see but doubt we will.

T-MOBILE

Dwyane Wade walking barefoot on the beach at sunset, tropical shirt, bumping a suitcase on a carrier along behind him.  Slogging along behind him is Riley in a suit, upraised palms, "Come on Dwayne, how can you do this to me? I'm your man, remember? I'm not in your fave anymore? Just like that?"

Wade dials/barkley...Riles wants to know can he get back....hangs up...sorry coach..not in. Charles says no.

" I got six rings, Barkley has none. Why listen to him?"

"Because I already heard all you got to say Coach."

DWADE DECLARES FREE AGENCY.

AMERICAN EXPRESS

Opening scene: Pan Jessica Simpson's legs in hotel room. She's sitting at table with laptop. Typing message "I want my money and I want it now." Return message: "I'm in Borneo. I just forgot. I'll send a transfer now on my card"....Hand swipes a card through a slider...back to Jessica at Laptop....funds transfered..she holds screen to mouth..muuhwhap YES!!!....flip screen to Eli Manning holding up card...Never leave home without it.

FEDERAL EXPRESS:

Football game: Camera pans coaches on a sideline, pans play, pans coaches again, quickly pans cheerleaders, back to coachs, zips lighting fast back to a cheerleader, back to coaches... slowly back to same cheerleader...yanks back to coaches....camera now on offensive side of field, turning right, turning left, recedes......locker room, Federal Express guy comes in, I'm supposed to pick up a package from a mr Payton Manning? Manning raises arm with envelope...next scene Peyton on splt screen to Eli "did you get it?" "got it"

Scene: ticker tape parade with Eli on the back of convertible.; Voice over WHEN IT ABSOLUTLEY POSTIVEDLY HAS  TO BE THERE OVERNIGHT.

SPRINT (Ok this is a reach but if it happens)

Celebration Scene: voice over. The Lakers have just won the NBA championship. Let's go to Stu who is with Finals MVP right now. "Kobe so how you feel?" "Feels good Stu. Been a while coming." "All these outstanding performances if you had to pick five people to give a special place who would you pick?

Kobe whips out phone: instanty Andrew Bynum is peering over his shoulder, other shoulder, Kobe keeps shielding screen from Bynum.

With my Sprint title phone I don't have to limit my best friends. Family, all my teammates, coach even if he never wins without the best players,  I broke down and put Dr. Buss and Mitch in here too. Laker fans everywhere. You're all  in.

Announcer: What are you doing Andrew?

Kobe: He's checking to see if he's on the list ahead of my friend Jason Kidd". Shows phone face to Andrew and public. #1 Wife/kids #2 Andrew Bynum. Kobe winks at  camera.

Overdub voice. the TITLE PHONE by Sprint. Make America your team.

Kobe and Bynum walking off court. Bynum: Only number two? Kobe: I know, it's hard to wait but your time is coming. Don't be getting pushy kid.

NBA Finals promo:

Kid on a couch with acoustic guitar singing  "Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Bob Dylan walks on screen drops into chair, leans back, picks up remote, clicks on Laker-Celtics (or whoever)finals. Kid stops, "This is really some legendary stuff here Grandpa."

Dylan: "True. One of the most classic matchups ever. More things change more they stay the same.

Kid: "Did I just drop a beat here? What are you talking about?."

Dylan: "shhhh They're jumping it up.  I love this game"

2/11/2008

When you're a Franchise in sports of bragging, enver ending coming up short in your very best years, and by that I mean you got zero titles for your existence, then I guess  it means something for Miami to have given Shaq 100 million dollars to luck into one title when Wade went yard and the Mavs went short.

Hope it does because whoever pockets the money Marion or Shaq, that's exactly what Miami shelled out plus 25 million his first year in Miami.

Shaq fans like to run their mouths about "the most dominant player" oh Lord would you look at the time and I forgot to shave the Beluga..

The truth is that Shaquille made it to the NBA finals with the Magic because MJ was out that season. Only reason. They didn't go back Shaq's other 5 years. Shaq underachieved in virtually every way he could figure out to underachieve while making it all about Shaq. And he started to get fat. The only thing Shaq ever lead in Orlando was half a million kids to the burger stands in Disneyworld and then he stole their food.

People talk about Kobe Bryant whining? Shaq announced while still at LSU that he wanted to play for the Lakers, threatened to go to Europe, extended with Magic for only minimum because Lord love that duck, the Lakers would be ready.  About as many people as believed Riley didn't dump Van Gundy to steal his job, who believed Jerry West didn't act illegally behind the scenes while Shaq was still under contract to the Magic. Talk about your coronations. The Best player on the planet comes to  Los Angeles to be a Laker, wear super hero costumes and record rap records. For two years he didn't deliver while Bryant remained a kid who got very little looks because this was Shaq's team. But they didn't win until Kobe could offset Shaq's no game at the FT line. Kobe tanks his rookie year at the FT line. Shaq tanks L.A. at the free throw line. (And no one's getting fat 'cept Shaq and Mamma Cass)

His inability to lead the team was put on 17-18 year old Bryant . That's when I stopped caring what Shaq had to say. The most dominant player of all time is crying in the hallways because Kobe said you're lazy and fat? Well you are. Stop crying and be a man and get in shape. No? Not unless you get another 60 million for two year extension and then you'll think about it? But only if the Lakers get rid of Kobe for hurting the wittle feelings of the most dominate pwayer in the NBA. Oh my my.  (Don't you just have a vison of Bugs Bunny patting Elmer Fudd on the head?) Most dominant interior player in the NBA got his hat handed to him and that was that.

The threepeat which Shaq fans gave him all the credit for and by golly nobody but 3 cockroaches and a Yorkie even bothered to suit up for the Lakers the way Shaq told it.

After two seasons in a row ducking training camp, coming in on scales you have use in two states to even get him on them, and no titles (although some area's offered tidal wave insurance if he beached himself .) All Kobe's fault and when O'Neal  demanded 60 million for two, Buss said see ya.

Now the Miami thing. Hurt every single year including the title year n Miami, he honestly has pretty much mailed in. I can't believe someone making what he makes, has the talent he has and is this ignorant.  He won't get in shape. It's been one alibi after another for nearly 10 years. He's a slob. A slug.  .

Nobody ever seems to face the facts Shaq has been playing for Shaq since the jump. People always find a way to justify their own BS. Shaq shot over the 50% and led the league in shooting %? Well sure, shouldn't he have? He had no shot from over 3 feet away.

He's never rebounded to his size. Never played defense to his size at all. Offside shot blocking is about it.

Blame, blame Kobe Always Blame Kobe.

Now we realize what it was all along. You have to pay Shaq what Shaq wants, he's going to let God decide if he plays or not, to hell with conditioning and now he's off to Phoenix to collect another 40 million and totally disrupt the team. Thank God it's Phoenix  not the Clippers.  We honestly would prefer you stay on the other side of the mountains O'neal. Remember when 25 million per wasn't enough for you? Shooooooooooo.

The most dominating player of his time? The biggest most co-ordinated player of his time. MJ was the most dominating player of Shaq's time. Then Kobe.

Shaq gets my vote for the most squandered opportunity off all time.

Still when you never had a title before it's like a really big deal.  You'll pay way more than it's worth. People in hell will cough up some serious cash for ice water but it's cheap in Alaska.

I said when the trade first came down "good luck to Shaq". I meant it. Whatever, just move along would you? Most luck to the Suns. Welcome to crybaby alley

the Big Rainman is in the house.

I have no idea if Roger Clemens took steroids/HGH but I can tell this much. As of today he's home free and the Senate hearings will lucky not to be beset by hidden speakers suddenly blaring WHO LET THE DOGS OUT WUFF WUFF!!!!

I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, not even close to having all the cards in my deck. So you can understand why I get a little over the top when I say I TOLD YOU SO!!!  Did I not say let's go right ahead smoking the hemp, please do not start making rope and hangman's nooses and making torches and such based on the words of one Brian Mcnamee. (Notice I don't even care if I spelled his name right.) .

You may have heard. He says he injected the Clemens family dog with Human Growth Hormone. before the Family Christmas photo. Before the photo the family had a Yorkie. 10 minutes later, well we all remember the family Mastiff, right?

Said the man had no credibility. I knew, I just couldn't tell you why because I was under a confidentality agreement from my publisher until such time as Brian (sorta rhymes with Jose in a way doesn't it?) has gone ahead and stepped on his own you know what.  Here's a sampling of what lies ahead in America and the world beneath that tip of the injection.

1.) In 1992 while on Safari in Flushing New York, Brian met a bunch of  Elves in a tree making Cookies. Simple as that. HGH. Why you see no more Elves  today and can't get a good treehouse made cookie at any price.

2.) After years and years of denying having had cosmetic surgery, Micheal Jackson today was finally exonorated when  Brian came clean. HGH.injection that went bad.

3.) With the wind at his backside and his sails limp, Brian should be given credit for stepping up and taking the hit on Barry Bonds. This one caught even me by suprise. Yes, even I thought all along that Barry's big head was because of Beetlejuice.

4.) Some good has come out of all this even though I have to step up and admit I was wrong. I spent years complaining about rap music being nothing but unskilled, uneducated, poor grammar, mostly overweight loudmouths bragging and disrespecting everyone else.

I thought it was a #### thing. A racial thing. Hard to believe isn't it? Caught myself wondering last night if I had known earlier that all I had to do was get a shot of HGH from Brian to become a multi platinum bragger rapper  would I have done it? Maybe. Probably. I'd like to think though I would have only got one injection since we all saw what happened to Biggie and Pac when Brian hit em up with two.

There's more. Much more. The story hidden under Alex Rodriquez's wife's T-Top. Why the Britney prototype clone went bad. What can be expected in the future from HGH? Hint: when is a father his own daughter and totally different blonde star all at the same time? ( Hint: Well you can tell my heart, my ___ ______  _____ I just think don't it'll understand,  cause if you tell my ____ ____ ______, it might blow up and kill this man, girl, blonde girl.Think Mice among men, Think lawuit if you use the name Dis_ny.)Hard to believe isn't it? Well maybe not.. 9 out of 10 believed Bush. You can believe that you believe almost anything. 

The book is called

Shooting Gallery, Brians Place,  Sheep Clone Humans!

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck and you don't like ducks, it's probably a damn duck.. An overpaid, mercenary, slimeball Duck at that.  God I hate Ducks and I specially hate that main duck the most of all. Freaking ducks. Not a syringe full one of loyalty in a Duck. Let a Duck walk on you and it'll come back to bite your butt everytime you can take that to the bank. You ever seen a Duck step up and take responsibility for their part in killing the goose that laid the golden egg?   Never will either. Ducks think they're too good to sleep in the same place the Chickens sleep. You'd think there was a WPPD (witness protection plan for Ducks) wouldn't you? You know what the problem is? If you'd just wring the necks of all the Ducks everytime you catch one quacking then you wouldn't have no Quacks out there fouling the pond now would you? Quack Quack Quack.

"CHEAP SHOTS"

16 pages of photos of celebrity bloody gauze, empty vials, used but servicable syringes, complete with online auction links and suggested bids.

Forward by any Professional athlete you designate at the time of ordering.

UPDATE: Now if you can believe this, Brian the Confessor has the United States of America Senate embroiled in his hissy fit arguement with Clemens over whether Clemens was at a party Jose Canseco had 7 years ago. An attorney for Mac the Mouth says the question is not whether Brian is lying or not but whether Clemens can prove he wasn't there or not. Doesn't this beg the question where did they find this guy and why would he be their star witness?

What in God's name does this have to do with the Senate? Nobody has said Clemens did HGH at the party. Is everyone on the guest list going to be called before the Senate? Charged with perjury if they lie about being there?

Doesn't it seem a little strange that Mitchell's report lists Brian Blabbermouth saying he injected Clemens twice, once in the late 90's and once in 2001/02? NOW the mouth that roared is claiming it was 11 times at least and he spiked the old lady in front of an orgasmic Roger?

Didn't Mitchell say that there is "a widespread and systematic pattern of HGH and Steroid Use in MLB"?  Didn't he say that? This is their star witnesses and case? I shudder to think how low this list can get  a few names down.

The United States government is spending millions of dollars backing a guy who claims he was "only a personal trainer doing his employers bidding"? How many personal trainers do you know that keeps records of everywhere their employers go and who they see where they go?

Has anyone tested Brian Bowels for mental competence? Hallucinations? Invisible friends? Voices ordering him to suit up in Armor and save America or France at the very least?

Am I the only one hearing the Pink Panther theme and seeing Inspector Closeau trotting from trash can to trash can while peeking around to make sure no one notices him rifling the cans?

I can't decide which is worse. That Mitchell brought his report with the word of Chatty Cathy Mac sitting right on top or whether the Senate spending time on this in front of an America that only gives them a 17% approval rating for doing the work of the people. Prior to this. Single digits is possible now.

I give up. Make Rosie O'Donnel president and put everyone on welfare and let the entire damn nation sit in front of their TV's eating 2lb bags of chips, giant chocolate bars and guzzling diet soda right out of the can and by all means start a Jerry Springer network 24/7 right now. All anyone cares about anymore is gossip. Don't even bother talking to me. I'm going to my room. He has to prove he wasn't at the party my ####.

Fox has a number of contributing writers writing the NBA.  Over time we form opinions of most and as with many things sometimes we dislike them, sometimes they come up with what we been saying for at least minutes if not forever.

Some reader will check in with that a specific writer is the worst sportswriter in the world including high school. LOL  We do get impassioned don't we?

When a sportswriter addresses a reader slamming them on Fox Sports  I usually get a sense of paid writer elitism. You can't see the snarl on their lip but you can feel the contempt for mere mortals who can't secure one of the most coveted day jobs in the writing world. Writing about sports is also one of the hardest jobs to get in writing so it's understandable why most writers seem to think we should just sit down and shut the hell up and be glad we haven't been hung yet for treason.

Each is different but I might suggest (they never saw that coming did?) two things to the group overall. Just for my taste. I tend to lose focus as a reguar fan when a writer is too dogmatic in their stat type monotone drone. Get bent once in a while at someone other than a reader who yanks your chain the wrong way.

I would prefer a little humor, little more equal opportunity obsessing. Don't just save it all for Bryant or whoever is your one punching bag.

Mike Kahn has a blog and he'll raise an eyebrow now and then. He's not what you would call a class clown. I suspect he has a pretty good sense of humor behind the curtain. But he's a little old to be as immature as most bloggers and he might be the kind of teacher in a class you'd like? Enjoy his work? But he's not going to have a one hour debate the teacher every Friday open mic with his readers and yuk it up. He will slap you down.

Knowledgable for the most part seems to me, but almost always throws an obvious torch on the old collector woodpile somewhere. His preseason top 10 East NBA PG's had Gil Arenas ruling. Otherwise solid but he'll go opposite field on you usually once a blog. My only advice to Mike is that if he's going to blog (and he's a good read), you're not going to get new readers as you age to add to the ones aging with you if you don't interact more. This goes for every writer (Mike is just first so I put it here.) The internet has caused America to demand interactivity.  Take an hour a week and have a free for all response to everyone who blogs with you that hour. Laugh.

Charley Rosen Charlie's been on the job a minute now. working on a millineum. I get the impression Charlie is a tortured perfectionist who could watch a game by himself talking into his recorder mic and worry himself to death over a player who makes the same lazy mistakes he's been making for four years but it's just burning Charlie up.  I wouldn't be suprised if Rosen didn't head coach in the NBA because he's a little obsessive about guys who Can do: go right, shoot the 3  -  Can't do - defend his grandmother, post his mother, won't go left, etc..  Now and then I find a little drool in the corner of my mouth anticipating a rant while reading Charlie but he shakes it off and moves on.  Knows the X's and O's. Don't ask him about KMart.. LOL He might do a Webber chokeout on Stromile Swift , he had to coach him. Charlie likes effort with order.

Randy Hill is a writer that evokes strong response from many readers. They dismiss him as having to be the CEO's son in order to have a job or they are Hill homers and never see anything to disagree with.  I don't always agree with Randy but he doesn't irritate me. His style is non confrontational for the most part to my emotions and he's concise, easy to see where he's coming from. I'm tempted to say I like his write most the time, which I do, but Randy? You're another one I'd like to see go postal once in a while. You're a senior national writer. You know the dirt. Flip out once a week or so I can watch your detractors  really rush you so when they get to the end of their chain they do a back flip.

John Galinsky does the NBA power blogs. Maybe not a writer a crab would say but i enjoy the power rankings and one thing I've noticed about John vs previous years  is that John likes to run and gun the power rankings. A team can be top three for him and go 3-1 for the week but someone else who went 3-1 catches John's eye and he'll send number 3 right down seeking double digits and rip the other up 300 notches and he's not shy about doing it either.  Tradition for a team being strong doesn't get the "star whistle"  and send them to the line either. Some might be a little cautious when a team has a good week but was terrible for 2 weeks earlier. Not John. He's whistling and pointing. You, yeah you. Get in the slot, let's move it people!

No slight to any other writer at Fox who may write about the NBA, but these are the people who catch my attention most often.

No problem here with Shaquille O'Neal. Wish him well. Don't care to see any hall of famer start hopping teams and slowly or not so slowly sink into oblivion.

Still, in all candor I don't know how much more of this fantasy fixation  both writers and fans seem to have all of a sudden now that Shaq is a Sun. 

Optomistic drama is being tossed around in furious fashion. Statements such as Shaq can play 25 minutes effectively. That Shaq improves the Suns chances.

I don't fault Shaq for posturing. I do wonder about everyone else.

Shaq is averaging 24 minutes per game but that doesn't mean he can come back and play it this season and be in reasonable condition and neither be hurt or get hurt again.

The man is 36 years old and played very little this season. He's overweight as usual, he's not going to  maintain the same average as he has now in the East. This is the West people.  Every single time he's come back with the Heat he's gotten hurt again almost immediately. Even with the title he was limping around.

People justifying due to Kareem playing effectively until 40? Apples and Oranges. Kareem is thinner right now than Shaq. Shaq will run himself into condition  being the trailer? Not likely. His weight is pounding on his lower body  where his problems are. His hip, thigh, always had feet problems.  You talk about Bryant's NBA miles? O'neal is out of warranty.

Shaq is immobile. His coil and spring is non existant anymore. He can't defend without grabbing and reaching any longer. He's going to foul out a lot in the West. He's as bad a liability in the fourth quarter as ever at the line.

I keep reading what everyone is saying and by the hour it seems that  NBA blog fans are becoming more and more excited about Shaq and the Suns.

Shaq improves them in one way for Playoffs. Marion is a playoff choker. A given. Shaq may improve on Marion in a top seed matchup in the West.

Otherwise I just don't understand why so many are so believing of the rebirth of Shaq. If I'm wrong I'll admit it. Don't think I will be.

I think I was in the third grade when I offically became a Dodger fan. It came about in a strange way. The Dodgers and the Yankees were playing each other in the World Series and our grade school principal sent word that all the boys in the school who wished to do so were to be excused from class and march to the cafeteria where we would join the Principal and listen to the game. We could purchase a milk or a soft drink for a nickel which of course I didn't have.

This was a small school and I had earned the scorn of the Principal early on by not going out for the baseball team that he coached at recess morning and afternoon and immediately after lunch. I didn't have any tennis shoes nor a glove nor a hat, had no way getting these things so I was sent to jump rope with the girls. I quickly realized this was not really that bad a deal since a couple of them girls were lookers. And friendly.

I really didn't want to go listen to the Series on the radio. I didn't know the players. I had heard of a  couple of Yankees and the Dodgers had a guy named Pee Wee and the first black guy played for them, Jackie Robinson.

So there we were, 35-40 boys sitting around, most of them sitting as close to the Principal and the radio as possible while the Coach/Principal informed the rabble like myself the New York Yankees were the best and only the best baseball lovers in the school were allowed to be Yankee fans. I smelled that one out before he ever started roaming his eyes around the room. I knew there was no escape. He started asking. You...you, your name..who you rooting for? It was beyond predictible. Every boy who played on the school team was for the Yankees. Every fat boy was for the Yankees. Every kid with glasses was for the Yankees.

He asks the couple of boys with the Elvis type ducktails. Naturally they said the Dodgers. I was trapped. He says who I did miss and one helpful nerd suckup said you missed Rafter.

Who's Rafter? Oh yeah, you're the boy who likes jumping rope with the girls aren't you? Who do you like? Dodgers or Yankees?

Screw this, That wasn't necessary. i didn't just wander off to jump rope with the girls. You made me., I like the Dodgers sir. Good enough? Did I back you off?

Why do you like the Dodgers Mr Rafter? Uh oh.

I'm sorry sir, were you speaking to me? I was listening to the game like you said we should do despite the fact I can't hear a damn thing over your big mouth.

Well it's not like I know anything about baseball Sir, you were right about that but my Uncle was in New York last summer and got me almost the whole Brooklyn Dodger teams autographs.

Well that was brilliant. Not only did you just out and out lie you have no way of even knowing who the whole team is?

Sir? No of course not. I wouldn't mind at all bringing them in and letting everyone see them. Tomorrow?  Oh OK, sorry sir, I didn't know they don't play tomorrow. Sure, I can bring them Monday.

SPORTS LESSON NUMBER ONE

The guy was a jerk, a bully and a coke bottle glasses baseball fan who happened to be a principal at around age 25. He really wasn't a baseball fan but he was while he could be the boss of everything. You can forge autographs on this guy.  Providing that on Saturday you lay on the living room floor with pencil and paper and listened to the game like you had never listened to anything in your whole life. and you write down the Dodger Player names,.

Then you talk your father out of a dime to buy a tiny spiral notebook and you studiously write autographs on pages making sure no two looked a like. Scrawl dammit. Stars Scrawl. If they have to ask who it is tell them anyone how can they prove you wrong? It's either this or run away to the French Foreign Legion and doubtful they're taking 3rd graders.

Roy Campanella, Johnny Newcombe, Johnny Podres, Sandy Koufax,  Carl Erskine, Gil Hodges, Jim Gilliam, Pee Wee Reese, Jackie Robinson, Sandy Amaros, Duke Snider, Carl Furillo.

They bought it. Everyone reverently took a turn at the signatures as I carefully flipped the pages and the principal informed the losers that anyone spilling, tearing, touching any page with an autograph on it was getting paddled on the spot. Worked for me.

Everyone bought it.

Except for Carolyn Williams. The hottest of the hot on the jump rope. As I walked to the bus to get on that afternoon she stepped out of the bushes and yanked me into them and out of sight.

You're lying about those autographs.

Am not.

Sure are.

Shut up.

You made them up and I'm telling everyone if you don't do exactly what I tell you to do.

You're nuts. Let go of my shirt.

No. I'm telling everyone and I'll tell Ms Davis and the Principal you tried to kiss me and hug me and pull down my underwear.

Go away, leave me alone,.

I will if you don't do what I want?

What do you want?

Close your eyes. Open your lips just a little bit. Now I'm going to kiss you and I don't want you to start puking or spitting on me or in my mouth or going ewwww. do you understand me?

Sure I guess so.

Now put your arms around me an hug me real tight. But not too tight,.

1955 WORLD CHAMPIONS

BROOKLYN DODGERS

Wanna do it again? Want to put your tongue in my mouth?

Why?

Because that's what you do or else.

Or else what?

Shut up and open your mouth. Close your eyes again.

EXCERPT FROM THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY Cofenssions of a Pathalogical Liar.