1998. What a year. Michael Jackson released what would become the highest-grossing album of all-time in Thriller; Ronald Reagan issued a command to Mikhail Gorbachev that would resound through the ages; and man took perhaps the greatest step in the advancement of technology by inventing the internet. But these events paled in comparison to what transpired on April 18th and 19th of that year. The NFL Draft of 1998 would elevate the expectations of every draft to follow.

But Why?

Because my buddy had just won $1.2 million in the lottery the week before and threw me a ton of money just for being his boy. That's why. But really, no matter what happened from then on, there's no way '98 could ever be topped. Even if they had midget strippers dancing for Paul Tagliabue. Or if Mel Kiper's head exploded. Or if they had midget strippers dancing for Paul Tagliabue while Mel Kiper's head exploded. No draft will ever equal the 1998 NFL Draft.

However, in every draft there are those that do fairly well, and then there are those that are given a great opportunity and take Todd Marinovich. I mean, are given a great opportunity and waste it. Guess to which school of action I subscribe to? Instead of prudently investing my unexpected windfall and diversifying my portfolio, I blew it all at Best Buy and The Great American Cookie Company. I remember a Chumbawamba CD and some damn fine cookie-cake, and that's it. Meanwhile, my friend, Dave, has tripled his money and now owns four houses and more cars than Hammer in his prime.

So who are the Daves of 1998 and who are the Potatoes? Who has come out on top and who has squandered their potential? Who is married to a former Ms. Arizona and who hits on that one bank-teller that looks kind of like someone he had a crush on in high school if he squints his eyes funny?

Well... you get the idea.

Here I present to you the top 10 picks of the 1998 NFL Draft: 

1. Peyton Manning - What can you say about the guy? If you don't know what the man has done while in the league, then may I direct you to my FOXHomeAndGardening.com blog. Sure, he hasn't won the big one yet, but neither did Marino, and neither did Elway for his first 14 years. And Marino and Elway were ####.

2. Ryan Leaf - Shh... Listen closely. What's that sound you hear? You can't quite place it, but it's familiar. Is it a dog whimpering? Is it a babbling brook? Is it a man's spirit crying out in agony? Oh yeah, that's it. The last one.

3. Andre Wadsworth - The Bad News: You lasted a total of three seasons with the Cardinals before busting up your knee and dropping out of the league. The Good News: You're 6'4", 275 lbs, and Candi's Peek-A-Boo Dollhouse is looking for a part-time bouncer.

4. Charles Woodson - Some might say you never lived up to your potential, but I don't care. That one-handed catch you made against Michigan State? Just sick. You won the Heisman with that play. Can I have some money?

5. Curtis Enis - Hahahahahahahaha, hold on, hold on... You seemed like a nice enough kid, and I'm really sorry things didn't pan out for... Hahahahahahahaha... Forget it, I give up. Thanks for helping me pick out bathroom tile when I was at Home Depot last weekend though, the wife loved them.

6. Grant Wistrom - Coming out of Nebraska, every scout marvelled at your "motor." Eight years later your stats are bottoming-out, and the only jokes I can think of involve Castrol High Mileage.

7. Kyle Turley - Eight seasons and forty-seven tattoos later you are mulling retirement after suffering a painful back injury. It's good to see you've kept busy though. Mowing the lawn, taking care of the kids, threatening to kill your coach... Good stuff. 

8. Greg Ellis - You've made a career out of sucking. Next.

9. Fred Taylor - Funny story, living in Florida, I actually planned on interviewing Fred to get his thoughts on what has become of some of his contemporaries. We met at a Chili's and all was going great. We had an Awesome Blossom, we were drinking a couple of beers, the waitress brought our orders, then BAM! Fred sprained his groin. It really put a damper on the whole interview.

10. Duane Starks - Next month will mark the 5th year anniversary of the Super Bowl you won while starting for the record-setting Ravens defense. Last week marked the one month anniversary of your injury opening up time in the Patriots secondary for the possible signing of Jason Sehorn.

Thanks, come see me all next week at the Chuckle Corral in Des Moines with my keyboard on stage.