"Decent Christmas I guess, how about you?"
"Well, when the first gift I opened read 'To: ####; From: Your Sister'  and had a pair of socks inside, I knew it was going to be a long day."
"Socks? Wow, that's rough."
"I guess."
"Yeah, I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas either."
"Oh yeah? What did you want?"
"I wanted to have an all-star cast of sportscasters do the play-by-play of my life for a day. Or for a few hours at least.  Didn't happen, but I did get a Salad Spinner though... which was nice."

 

But think about it. How amazing would it be to have those voices you know so well trailing everything you do? I'd have Madden and I'd have his ESPN counterpart Paul Maguire -- with Theismann playing sidekick of course. Vitale and Raftery would definitely be in the booth, and hell, throw in Bill Walton too. And leading the way would be, of course, the grand-daddy of them all: your pardner, Mr. Brent Musberger.

But like I said, I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas. So instead, I'm just going to go ahead and put this down on paper (or on the internet if you'd like to be technical) and live this fantasy out as best as I can at 3:48 in the morning while sitting in my underwear and finishing what is my fourth Mountain Dew of the last hour. Yeah... like that doesn't seem as creepy as when Zack Morris first pulled out a cardboard cutout of Kelly Kapowski from underneath his bed. I'll have to go back and edit that.

Scene - A sloppy, dishevelled bedroom. My sloppy, dishevelled bedroom.

(Brent Musberger): "Helloooo ladies and gentlemen, and welcome! You're looking LIVE at Eric's passed out body, and... Oh! Rise and shine folks!  It looks like someone had a late night as Eric is only now seeing daylight at 1:19 in the p.m.!"

(Bill Walton): "No doubt about that one my man, and believe me I know about coming home late and waking up even later. I know all about it. Oh man, when I was touring with the 'Dead' back in '82..."

Scene - A dirty, grimy bathroom. My dirty, grimy bathroom.

(Walton): "...On her elbow! It ended up on her elbow!"

(Musberger): "As you can see, Eric has made his way to the bathroom, a fine bathroom, a bathroom you could find anywhere in the country, a bathroom that is our country. A truly superb bathroom it is that he has entered."

(John Madden): "You see, this, this "bathroom" is where a guy does his business. Where he brushes his teeth, washes his face, relieves himself -- if you know what I'm saying..."

(Musberger): "Yes, John. We know what you're saying. And right on cue, Eric is fully utilizing his noble toilet."

(#### Vitale): "SPEAKING OF UTILIZING TOILETS BRENT, HOW ABOUT THOSE DUKIES? HUH? UNDEFEATED BABY! YOU KNOW MY MAN COACH K AND HIS MENTOR ROBERT MONTGOMERY KNIGHT HAVE GOT TO LOVE IT... " (takes a breath) "BABY!"

Scene - A messy, dingy... forget it. My kitchen. The scene is my kitchen.

(Paul Maguire): "Welcome back, friends. Now, I want you to watch this. Okay... okay, take a look at what he is doing here. Watch this... yes! He has pulled out a box of Apple Jacks. It is said, and I don’t know if I agree, but it’s what they say, that, according to some, Apple Jacks do not remind people of, do not taste like, apples.”

(Bill Raftery): “And now look at this, he has already pulled the milk from the fridge and is now going to the cupboard and coming back to the table... WITH A DISH! Well, a bowl actually, but… And what now? He’s heading back and pulling out, what is it? Sugar? The man is preparing to pour sugar on his already saccharine-ified cereal! That takes…” (in a whisper) “Brent, what’s my word?”

(Musberger): “Onions, Bill. Onions.”

(Raftery): “That’s right! ONIONS! That man has onions!”

(Madden): “Well, actually Bill, he has sugar. Not to mention the Apple Jacks. But I could really go for some onions right now. A Bloomin’ Onion to be honest. We could all hop on the Madden Bus and head over to Outback after this, what do you guys say?”

(All): (assorted coughs and fervent mumbling)

(Brent): “Well it looks as if Eric is ready to begin savoring his highly delightful blend of milk, sugar, and jacks of apple.”

(CRUNCH, SNAP, CRUNCH)

(Joe Theismann): “Ugh…”

(Vitale): “JOEY ‘HEISMAN’ THEISMAN! MY MAIN MAN! WHY ARE YOU WHIMPERING! ARE THOSE TEARS BABY! SPEAKING OF TEARS, I GOT A LITTLE MISTY-EYED THAT LAST COMMERCIAL BREAK WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND MICHAEL KRZYZEWSKI COMPARED HIS AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD TO…”

(All): “WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY?”   

On second thought, maybe the Salad Spinner really was the way to go…

You know that movie Sliding Doors? The one with Gwyneth Paltrow before she became famous? Yeah, well me neither really, but I do see it whenever I'm at Blockbuster. Anyway, from looking at the cover, reading the back of the box, and looking at the cover again, it seems the movie is about how the decisions we make can effect the future in profound ways. Like if you are running late, and therefore miss your subway train, and then meet the love of your life while waiting for the next one. Or something like that. Really, I've never seen it. I promise.

So, without further ado, I give you a few moments in time that could have occurred that would have impacted the sports landscape beyond your wildest imagination. Well, maybe not beyond your wildest imagination -- that's just irresponsible, empty hyperbole. So I'll just try to guess what would have happened instead.

Here goes...

Ricky Williams develops asthma at age 18.  Always at the ready with an inhaler in his pocket, the college freshman is overheard saying "I say nope to dope" at his first party at the University of Texas. Presumably because smoking exacerbates his condition.
-In the year 2005, Ricky Williams leads the NFL in rushing through 13 games with 1902 yards and 21 TDs.

At the eleventh hour, Gary Bettman and the NHL players union reach an agreement. On September 15, 2004 the two factions make enough concessions to ensure the season will take place.
-In the year 2005, all the fans who fervently followed the saga remenisce. All 12 of them.

"With the 2nd pick of the 1984 NBA Draft, the Portland Trailblazers select Michael Jordan." Ignoring their need for a low-post presence, the Blazers front office decides they cannot pass on this electrifying athlete.
-In the year 2005, Sam Bowie is not the answer to a trivia question.

Roy Williams really doesn't "give a #### about Carolina." Kansas coach Roy Williams resists taking over at his alma-mater and stays with the Jayhawks. While at home after getting upset in the first round by Bucknell, Roy watches as George Karl leads UNC to a National Championship.
-In the year 2005, Roy Williams is addicted to Percocet.

In 1992 Victor Conte is found guilty of racketeering in conjunction with three known mafia henchmen. BALCO Labs is never founded and steroid abuse in Major League Baseball is nothing more than a potential problem area.
-In the year 2005, Barry Bonds finishes the season just 6 HRs shy of passing Chili Davis for 71st on the all-time list.

On October 2, 1996 Lance Armstrong receives a negative diagnosis. Going in for his usual check-up, Lance's doctor finds no signs of any cancerous growths and declares him physically sound. He is never inspired to become anything more than an average cyclist.
-In the year 2005, Lance Armstrong has twice as many testicles as he does today.

Gloria James marries a wealthy octogenarian. No longer financially destitute, she enrolls her young son, LeBron, in private school and signs him up for fencing lessons. He becomes a real-life Carlton Banks and scoffs at that basket sport.
-In the year 2005, the Cleveland Cavaliers count on Luke Jackson to take them to the playoffs.

Matt Leinart enters the 2005 NFL Draft. After winning the national title, Leinart is a lock to be picked first and makes it official. At USC, Reggie Bush takes advantage of his departure and wins the starting QB job in the spring. Bush gets the ball in his hands every snap and accounts for 6147 all purpose yards and 43 total touchdowns on the season.
-In the year 2005, the Heisman Trophy is renamed Whatever the Hell Reggie Bush Wants To Call This.

It is said that even a butterfly beating its wings can cause a tsunami across the world. So just try to imagine how different the sports world as we currently know it would be if even half these events had taken place. Or maybe just two or three. Hell, maybe just the Leinart one. That one seems kind of plausible.