"Decent Christmas I guess, how about you?" "Well, when the first gift I opened read 'To: ####; From: Your Sister' and had a pair of socks inside, I knew it was going to be a long day." "Socks? Wow, that's rough." "I guess." "Yeah, I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas either." "Oh yeah? What did you want?" "I wanted to have an all-star cast of sportscasters do the play-by-play of my life for a day. Or for a few hours at least. Didn't happen, but I did get a Salad Spinner though... which was nice."
But think about it. How amazing would it be to have those voices you know so well trailing everything you do? I'd have Madden and I'd have his ESPN counterpart Paul Maguire -- with Theismann playing sidekick of course. Vitale and Raftery would definitely be in the booth, and hell, throw in Bill Walton too. And leading the way would be, of course, the grand-daddy of them all: your pardner, Mr. Brent Musberger.
But like I said, I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas. So instead, I'm just going to go ahead and put this down on paper (or on the internet if you'd like to be technical) and live this fantasy out as best as I can at 3:48 in the morning while sitting in my underwear and finishing what is my fourth Mountain Dew of the last hour. Yeah... like that doesn't seem as creepy as when Zack Morris first pulled out a cardboard cutout of Kelly Kapowski from underneath his bed. I'll have to go back and edit that.
Scene - A sloppy, dishevelled bedroom. My sloppy, dishevelled bedroom.
(Brent Musberger): "Helloooo ladies and gentlemen, and welcome! You're looking LIVE at Eric's passed out body, and... Oh! Rise and shine folks! It looks like someone had a late night as Eric is only now seeing daylight at 1:19 in the p.m.!"
(Bill Walton): "No doubt about that one my man, and believe me I know about coming home late and waking up even later. I know all about it. Oh man, when I was touring with the 'Dead' back in '82..."
Scene - A dirty, grimy bathroom. My dirty, grimy bathroom.
(Walton): "...On her elbow! It ended up on her elbow!"
(Musberger): "As you can see, Eric has made his way to the bathroom, a fine bathroom, a bathroom you could find anywhere in the country, a bathroom that is our country. A truly superb bathroom it is that he has entered."
(John Madden): "You see, this, this "bathroom" is where a guy does his business. Where he brushes his teeth, washes his face, relieves himself -- if you know what I'm saying..." (Musberger): "Yes, John. We know what you're saying. And right on cue, Eric is fully utilizing his noble toilet."
(#### Vitale): "SPEAKING OF UTILIZING TOILETS BRENT, HOW ABOUT THOSE DUKIES? HUH? UNDEFEATED BABY! YOU KNOW MY MAN COACH K AND HIS MENTOR ROBERT MONTGOMERY KNIGHT HAVE GOT TO LOVE IT... " (takes a breath) "BABY!"
Scene - A messy, dingy... forget it. My kitchen. The scene is my kitchen.
(Paul Maguire): "Welcome back, friends. Now, I want you to watch this. Okay... okay, take a look at what he is doing here. Watch this... yes! He has pulled out a box of Apple Jacks. It is said, and I don’t know if I agree, but it’s what they say, that, according to some, Apple Jacks do not remind people of, do not taste like, apples.” (Bill Raftery): “And now look at this, he has already pulled the milk from the fridge and is now going to the cupboard and coming back to the table... WITH A DISH! Well, a bowl actually, but… And what now? He’s heading back and pulling out, what is it? Sugar? The man is preparing to pour sugar on his already saccharine-ified cereal! That takes…” (in a whisper) “Brent, what’s my word?” (Musberger): “Onions, Bill. Onions.”
(Raftery): “That’s right! ONIONS! That man has onions!”
(Madden): “Well, actually Bill, he has sugar. Not to mention the Apple Jacks. But I could really go for some onions right now. A Bloomin’ Onion to be honest. We could all hop on the Madden Bus and head over to Outback after this, what do you guys say?”
(All): (assorted coughs and fervent mumbling)
(Brent): “Well it looks as if Eric is ready to begin savoring his highly delightful blend of milk, sugar, and jacks of apple.”
(CRUNCH, SNAP, CRUNCH) (Joe Theismann): “Ugh…”
(Vitale): “JOEY ‘HEISMAN’ THEISMAN! MY MAIN MAN! WHY ARE YOU WHIMPERING! ARE THOSE TEARS BABY! SPEAKING OF TEARS, I GOT A LITTLE MISTY-EYED THAT LAST COMMERCIAL BREAK WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND MICHAEL KRZYZEWSKI COMPARED HIS AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD TO…” (All): “WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY?”
On second thought, maybe the Salad Spinner really was the way to go…
Let me go ahead and ease all your worries... I'm still alive.
Sorry about the prolonged absence, but to be honest, FOX picked a pretty bad time to conclude this contest. I mean, right in the middle of Christmas and New Year's celebrations? Really?
Good one. Glad they aren't in my apartment--they'd be tripping over all of the Christmas boxes that I haven't walked down to the trash chute yet, my grandson's toys and, well you get the idea.
Great stuff. I laughed out loud at least five times while reading, especially with the Vitale and Raftery references. I enjoyed your other posts as well. This looks to be some of the best, most consistent writing I've read on these blogs, which is exactly what the judges said they were looking for. Thanks too for the compliments. I know that in sportswriting they are often few and far between.
One of the most original posts I've read this entire time. Kudos, and I think we both wished for the same thing. To hear those guys talk about what you're doing for an entire day would probably give a person enough motivation to cure the world's ills. How about hearing Marv Albert scream "YEEEEESSSS--AND IT COUNTS" as you shoot a piece of paper into the trash can, or Al Michaels proclaim "Do You BELIEVE in MIRACLES? YES!!!!" as you finish off a Madden Football comeback (or finish a case of beer? Either way, it's cool.
In conclusion, great work!
Last edited by MooreSports on December 29th at 9:57 AM.
Sure blame the Holidays for your lack of posting. I'm sorry Fox Sports.com didn't CANCEL Christmas so that your writing scheduling might be better served! Okay. Internet road rage. sorry. Agree. Lousy time to end the competition, but when the judges post a "link us to good blogs" post...i think the legitmacy(sp) of the entire operation is about as solid as....well i don't know what. Good post.
"when the judges post a "link us to good blogs" post...i think the legitamacy of the entire operation is about as solid as....well i don't know what."
Yeah, I have to hope that was just for show and to shut some people up. It would be a shame if random opinions mattered at this point with so many entrants.
I apologize for not commenting sooner, after all I did enjoy this post. Vitale certainly enjoys his Dukies. Me I'd like Joe Morgan by my side, methodically and disinterestingly color commentating, and eventually relating everything back to how hitters are more valuable than pitchers. And how cool stolen bases are.
Sorry, Taters. I came here before but got distracted. Obviously, I think it's great. I would have liked to seen Madden's rant just become more and more absurd though. That guy goes on forever about the dumbest stuff. Nice work, though.
Actually, we have the 4th largerst readership in the state of michigan, and were owned by Gannett the largest newspaper chain in the nation. So I really don't see what you're getting at?
By the way where do you work? St. Petersburg times?
