"Decent Christmas I guess, how about you?"
"Well, when the first gift I opened read 'To: ####; From: Your Sister'  and had a pair of socks inside, I knew it was going to be a long day."
"Socks? Wow, that's rough."
"I guess."
"Yeah, I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas either."
"Oh yeah? What did you want?"
"I wanted to have an all-star cast of sportscasters do the play-by-play of my life for a day. Or for a few hours at least.  Didn't happen, but I did get a Salad Spinner though... which was nice."

 

But think about it. How amazing would it be to have those voices you know so well trailing everything you do? I'd have Madden and I'd have his ESPN counterpart Paul Maguire -- with Theismann playing sidekick of course. Vitale and Raftery would definitely be in the booth, and hell, throw in Bill Walton too. And leading the way would be, of course, the grand-daddy of them all: your pardner, Mr. Brent Musberger.

But like I said, I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas. So instead, I'm just going to go ahead and put this down on paper (or on the internet if you'd like to be technical) and live this fantasy out as best as I can at 3:48 in the morning while sitting in my underwear and finishing what is my fourth Mountain Dew of the last hour. Yeah... like that doesn't seem as creepy as when Zack Morris first pulled out a cardboard cutout of Kelly Kapowski from underneath his bed. I'll have to go back and edit that.

Scene - A sloppy, dishevelled bedroom. My sloppy, dishevelled bedroom.

(Brent Musberger): "Helloooo ladies and gentlemen, and welcome! You're looking LIVE at Eric's passed out body, and... Oh! Rise and shine folks!  It looks like someone had a late night as Eric is only now seeing daylight at 1:19 in the p.m.!"

(Bill Walton): "No doubt about that one my man, and believe me I know about coming home late and waking up even later. I know all about it. Oh man, when I was touring with the 'Dead' back in '82..."

Scene - A dirty, grimy bathroom. My dirty, grimy bathroom.

(Walton): "...On her elbow! It ended up on her elbow!"

(Musberger): "As you can see, Eric has made his way to the bathroom, a fine bathroom, a bathroom you could find anywhere in the country, a bathroom that is our country. A truly superb bathroom it is that he has entered."

(John Madden): "You see, this, this "bathroom" is where a guy does his business. Where he brushes his teeth, washes his face, relieves himself -- if you know what I'm saying..."

(Musberger): "Yes, John. We know what you're saying. And right on cue, Eric is fully utilizing his noble toilet."

(#### Vitale): "SPEAKING OF UTILIZING TOILETS BRENT, HOW ABOUT THOSE DUKIES? HUH? UNDEFEATED BABY! YOU KNOW MY MAN COACH K AND HIS MENTOR ROBERT MONTGOMERY KNIGHT HAVE GOT TO LOVE IT... " (takes a breath) "BABY!"

Scene - A messy, dingy... forget it. My kitchen. The scene is my kitchen.

(Paul Maguire): "Welcome back, friends. Now, I want you to watch this. Okay... okay, take a look at what he is doing here. Watch this... yes! He has pulled out a box of Apple Jacks. It is said, and I don’t know if I agree, but it’s what they say, that, according to some, Apple Jacks do not remind people of, do not taste like, apples.”

(Bill Raftery): “And now look at this, he has already pulled the milk from the fridge and is now going to the cupboard and coming back to the table... WITH A DISH! Well, a bowl actually, but… And what now? He’s heading back and pulling out, what is it? Sugar? The man is preparing to pour sugar on his already saccharine-ified cereal! That takes…” (in a whisper) “Brent, what’s my word?”

(Musberger): “Onions, Bill. Onions.”

(Raftery): “That’s right! ONIONS! That man has onions!”

(Madden): “Well, actually Bill, he has sugar. Not to mention the Apple Jacks. But I could really go for some onions right now. A Bloomin’ Onion to be honest. We could all hop on the Madden Bus and head over to Outback after this, what do you guys say?”

(All): (assorted coughs and fervent mumbling)

(Brent): “Well it looks as if Eric is ready to begin savoring his highly delightful blend of milk, sugar, and jacks of apple.”

(CRUNCH, SNAP, CRUNCH)

(Joe Theismann): “Ugh…”

(Vitale): “JOEY ‘HEISMAN’ THEISMAN! MY MAIN MAN! WHY ARE YOU WHIMPERING! ARE THOSE TEARS BABY! SPEAKING OF TEARS, I GOT A LITTLE MISTY-EYED THAT LAST COMMERCIAL BREAK WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND MICHAEL KRZYZEWSKI COMPARED HIS AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD TO…”

(All): “WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY?”   

On second thought, maybe the Salad Spinner really was the way to go…

1998. What a year. Michael Jackson released what would become the highest-grossing album of all-time in Thriller; Ronald Reagan issued a command to Mikhail Gorbachev that would resound through the ages; and man took perhaps the greatest step in the advancement of technology by inventing the internet. But these events paled in comparison to what transpired on April 18th and 19th of that year. The NFL Draft of 1998 would elevate the expectations of every draft to follow.

But Why?

Because my buddy had just won $1.2 million in the lottery the week before and threw me a ton of money just for being his boy. That's why. But really, no matter what happened from then on, there's no way '98 could ever be topped. Even if they had midget strippers dancing for Paul Tagliabue. Or if Mel Kiper's head exploded. Or if they had midget strippers dancing for Paul Tagliabue while Mel Kiper's head exploded. No draft will ever equal the 1998 NFL Draft.

However, in every draft there are those that do fairly well, and then there are those that are given a great opportunity and take Todd Marinovich. I mean, are given a great opportunity and waste it. Guess to which school of action I subscribe to? Instead of prudently investing my unexpected windfall and diversifying my portfolio, I blew it all at Best Buy and The Great American Cookie Company. I remember a Chumbawamba CD and some damn fine cookie-cake, and that's it. Meanwhile, my friend, Dave, has tripled his money and now owns four houses and more cars than Hammer in his prime.

So who are the Daves of 1998 and who are the Potatoes? Who has come out on top and who has squandered their potential? Who is married to a former Ms. Arizona and who hits on that one bank-teller that looks kind of like someone he had a crush on in high school if he squints his eyes funny?

Well... you get the idea.

Here I present to you the top 10 picks of the 1998 NFL Draft: 

1. Peyton Manning - What can you say about the guy? If you don't know what the man has done while in the league, then may I direct you to my FOXHomeAndGardening.com blog. Sure, he hasn't won the big one yet, but neither did Marino, and neither did Elway for his first 14 years. And Marino and Elway were ####.

2. Ryan Leaf - Shh... Listen closely. What's that sound you hear? You can't quite place it, but it's familiar. Is it a dog whimpering? Is it a babbling brook? Is it a man's spirit crying out in agony? Oh yeah, that's it. The last one.

3. Andre Wadsworth - The Bad News: You lasted a total of three seasons with the Cardinals before busting up your knee and dropping out of the league. The Good News: You're 6'4", 275 lbs, and Candi's Peek-A-Boo Dollhouse is looking for a part-time bouncer.

4. Charles Woodson - Some might say you never lived up to your potential, but I don't care. That one-handed catch you made against Michigan State? Just sick. You won the Heisman with that play. Can I have some money?

5. Curtis Enis - Hahahahahahahaha, hold on, hold on... You seemed like a nice enough kid, and I'm really sorry things didn't pan out for... Hahahahahahahaha... Forget it, I give up. Thanks for helping me pick out bathroom tile when I was at Home Depot last weekend though, the wife loved them.

6. Grant Wistrom - Coming out of Nebraska, every scout marvelled at your "motor." Eight years later your stats are bottoming-out, and the only jokes I can think of involve Castrol High Mileage.

7. Kyle Turley - Eight seasons and forty-seven tattoos later you are mulling retirement after suffering a painful back injury. It's good to see you've kept busy though. Mowing the lawn, taking care of the kids, threatening to kill your coach... Good stuff. 

8. Greg Ellis - You've made a career out of sucking. Next.

9. Fred Taylor - Funny story, living in Florida, I actually planned on interviewing Fred to get his thoughts on what has become of some of his contemporaries. We met at a Chili's and all was going great. We had an Awesome Blossom, we were drinking a couple of beers, the waitress brought our orders, then BAM! Fred sprained his groin. It really put a damper on the whole interview.

10. Duane Starks - Next month will mark the 5th year anniversary of the Super Bowl you won while starting for the record-setting Ravens defense. Last week marked the one month anniversary of your injury opening up time in the Patriots secondary for the possible signing of Jason Sehorn.

Thanks, come see me all next week at the Chuckle Corral in Des Moines with my keyboard on stage.

I feel bad for Ben Roethlisberger. I feel genuine, heartrending anguish over the tragedy that has struck down this young man in the prime of his life. In just a moment's time, in just that instant between one play and the next, his life was changed. No longer would he be able to view himself the same way and gone was the youthful exuberance of one who has not been tainted.

No, I'm not talking about the agonizing frustration and physical pain Big Ben must be enduring right now in dealing with the damaged appendage he calls his right thumb. And I'm not even talking about the disappointment he may feel after missing four games this season, potentially leading to his team's missing the final wild-card slot. No, I'm talking about the hurt and the humiliation that will live with him for the rest of his life.

Friends, I have one word for you: Fathead.

Now let me just brush aside those sad souls who do not know what I'm talking about. If you haven't seen the commercials, then just stop reading right now. Page Back to your Fantasy League Standings. Or view the masterpiece in it's entirety.

So where was I? Oh yes, pure sel####egradation for millions to see.

The first time -- hell, the first four times -- I saw the commercial, I wasn't sure I had actually been witness to what I had just seen. I mean, it makes no sense. Counting his rookie signing-bonus, Big Ben is making nearly $4 million per year and already has a veritable armada of products to pitch ranging from Nike shoes, to barbeque sauce, to beef jerky, to t-shirts.

So then why?

The easy answer is that he just likes money. The other answer? He's Raffy Palmeiro's illegitimate love-child born to hock any product to make a quick buck - with Fathead being his answer to Pop's numerous Viagra spots. I don't know, it's just a little theory I've been working on. You decide.

But don't feel too bad Ben, for there have been others that have sold out their soul for a year's supply of Funyuns and a new area rug. Many others. Here I present to you some of the worst offenders:

Jim Palmer (Jockey) - Perhaps the father of inappropriate advertising, Palmer is the only man to be a member of both the National Baseball and the National That's Just Gross Hall of Fame.

Terrell Owens (RightGuard Xtreme) - As if this guy didn't have enough on his plate already, he decides a deodarant commercial with Bam Margera and Don Vito is where it's at. Oh, and please take notice of Jevon Kearse for his brilliance in a supporting role. 

Rafael Palmeiro (Viagra) - Look, I've got like ten different punchlines running through my head, but none would do this justice. Raffy plus more pills. What else needs to be said?

Clyde Frazier and Keith Hernandez (Just For Men) - When two men with distinguished careers make #### of themselves, that's just sad. But when you throw in a catchphrase...

Dare I do it? I do. "Rejected!"

Fred McGriff (Tom Emanski Video Series) - On any list of all-time bad athlete cameos, the Crime Dog's endorsement stands alone. Likely filmed a few days shy of July in 1986, this treasure was not shown until the year 2001-- at which point it made up for lost time by being aired roughly 388 times a day.

                    To: The Associated Press

                From: Potatoes

            Subject: Rankings

                Date: Sat 17 Dec 2005, 16:20:09

                   CC: ESPN/USA Today
 

Let it be known I am e-mailing you today on behalf of a nation of college basketball fans. I have listened to their pleas and, as best as I can tell, their message is clear: Your rankings suck. Now, don’t get us wrong – there is a time and a place for your service, and it is much appreciated.

    For example, how else would we know when it is suitable to rush the court without rankings – how would we know if an upset had just taken place, or if we were in fact expected to win? Who would we turn to besides Joe Lunardi when it came time in early March to fill out those brackets? How would #### Vitale know who to dedicate his monologue to every week were it not for your trustworthy guidance?

    But herein lies our complaint, no one needs rankings before Christmas. Furthermore, predicting the relative strength of each team at this early point in the season is nothing more than a crapshoot. Want proof? Look at the drubbing Hawaii handed your then-4^th ranked Spartans of Michigan State. Look at the continued slide your Kentucky Wildcats, a pre-season top 10 team, have been on, losing 3 of their last 7 before today.

    Oh, and speaking of today, what do you have to say for yourself? After two straight embarrassments, will a team you had at #2 in the nation (Texas) be reduced to "Receiving Votes" status after just 2 weeks? And what about Louisville? We’ve already been over Kentucky, but the Cardinals made Tubby Smith and his squad look like they actually deserve a top 10 ranking.

    My request – our request – is this: hold off on putting out your rankings. Wait until January 1st to release your top teams. Because, honestly, all you are doing right now is embarrassing yourself.

You know that movie Sliding Doors? The one with Gwyneth Paltrow before she became famous? Yeah, well me neither really, but I do see it whenever I'm at Blockbuster. Anyway, from looking at the cover, reading the back of the box, and looking at the cover again, it seems the movie is about how the decisions we make can effect the future in profound ways. Like if you are running late, and therefore miss your subway train, and then meet the love of your life while waiting for the next one. Or something like that. Really, I've never seen it. I promise.

So, without further ado, I give you a few moments in time that could have occurred that would have impacted the sports landscape beyond your wildest imagination. Well, maybe not beyond your wildest imagination -- that's just irresponsible, empty hyperbole. So I'll just try to guess what would have happened instead.

Here goes...

Ricky Williams develops asthma at age 18.  Always at the ready with an inhaler in his pocket, the college freshman is overheard saying "I say nope to dope" at his first party at the University of Texas. Presumably because smoking exacerbates his condition.
-In the year 2005, Ricky Williams leads the NFL in rushing through 13 games with 1902 yards and 21 TDs.

At the eleventh hour, Gary Bettman and the NHL players union reach an agreement. On September 15, 2004 the two factions make enough concessions to ensure the season will take place.
-In the year 2005, all the fans who fervently followed the saga remenisce. All 12 of them.

"With the 2nd pick of the 1984 NBA Draft, the Portland Trailblazers select Michael Jordan." Ignoring their need for a low-post presence, the Blazers front office decides they cannot pass on this electrifying athlete.
-In the year 2005, Sam Bowie is not the answer to a trivia question.

Roy Williams really doesn't "give a #### about Carolina." Kansas coach Roy Williams resists taking over at his alma-mater and stays with the Jayhawks. While at home after getting upset in the first round by Bucknell, Roy watches as George Karl leads UNC to a National Championship.
-In the year 2005, Roy Williams is addicted to Percocet.

In 1992 Victor Conte is found guilty of racketeering in conjunction with three known mafia henchmen. BALCO Labs is never founded and steroid abuse in Major League Baseball is nothing more than a potential problem area.
-In the year 2005, Barry Bonds finishes the season just 6 HRs shy of passing Chili Davis for 71st on the all-time list.

On October 2, 1996 Lance Armstrong receives a negative diagnosis. Going in for his usual check-up, Lance's doctor finds no signs of any cancerous growths and declares him physically sound. He is never inspired to become anything more than an average cyclist.
-In the year 2005, Lance Armstrong has twice as many testicles as he does today.

Gloria James marries a wealthy octogenarian. No longer financially destitute, she enrolls her young son, LeBron, in private school and signs him up for fencing lessons. He becomes a real-life Carlton Banks and scoffs at that basket sport.
-In the year 2005, the Cleveland Cavaliers count on Luke Jackson to take them to the playoffs.

Matt Leinart enters the 2005 NFL Draft. After winning the national title, Leinart is a lock to be picked first and makes it official. At USC, Reggie Bush takes advantage of his departure and wins the starting QB job in the spring. Bush gets the ball in his hands every snap and accounts for 6147 all purpose yards and 43 total touchdowns on the season.
-In the year 2005, the Heisman Trophy is renamed Whatever the Hell Reggie Bush Wants To Call This.

It is said that even a butterfly beating its wings can cause a tsunami across the world. So just try to imagine how different the sports world as we currently know it would be if even half these events had taken place. Or maybe just two or three. Hell, maybe just the Leinart one. That one seems kind of plausible.

Ladies and Gentlemen, don't buy the hype. Never again will there be a 1976 Indiana squad, and never again will we see a program impose the continued dominance that Hoosier team did. No matter how highly a team may be touted, or how often a team may be referred to as "unbeatable", or by how many games "experts" expect them to win their conference, don't buy the hype.

This season's darling is, quite obviously, Duke. The program of the last decade. Over the last two months, the only squad that has received more coverage has been Team TO. And why not? They have their Bob Knight in Mike Krzyzewski, their Scott May in Shelden Williams, and, bear with me, their Quinn Buckner in JJ Redick.

But is this really a team poised to become one of the greatest of all time? Of course not, and let's not kid ourselves. At the end of the day, this is the same ol' Duke we see every year - and that's not meant to be any kind of an indication that they are in store for lofty accomplishments, or even a Final Four for that matter. For as much as Duke has been revered over the last 10 years, they have won the National Championship once, and been to the Final Four a grand total of three times. Now, three times may sound impressive, and for most programs it is, but when you consider that Duke has been given a #1 seed in the NCAA Tournament 7 of the last 8 years, well... maybe I'm not so impressed after all.

Ignore that ever-accurate mid-season AP Poll for a moment, and let's look at what the unanimous #1 team in the country has done so far this season.

-They opened their season by trailing for the first 12 minutes of the game against the mighty Terriers of Boston University (who are now 3-6 on the season). 

-They've gone to the locker-room up 1 at halftime against Drexel (5-5), whose non-conference wins this season are from teams in the Ivy League, the MAAC, and the Southland Conference.

-Duke then miraculously escaped from Madison Square Garden with a victory over, for the most part, a group of high school kids wearing Memphis jerseys. The big three of Rodney Carney, Darius Washington, and Shawne Williams combined to shoot 14-36 (39%) from the field, yet still almost "upset" the World-Beaters of Durham.

-The next stop for the travelling Copperfields was Bloomington for a rare - and I mean very rare - non-conference road game against Indiana. Yes, Duke won by 8, but watching this game the outcome was not decided until the final 2 minutes.

In fact, the only thing that was decided early was that the Blue Devil front-line, the vaunted post with NPOY-candidate Shelden Williams and freshman hero Josh McRoberts, would be abused all night by Marco Killingsworth who went for 34 pts, outrebounded Williams, and managed to draw 9 fouls against the Williams/McRoberts "monster" as well.

-At this point you would think the comedian had run out of cliched magician jokes, but unfortunately I have plenty more up my sleeve. Sean Dockery (who, unfortunately, looks little like David Blaine) was able to avoid catastrophe by throwing up a prayer that, wait for it... magically went in at the buzzer against Virginia Tech. Yes, that Virginia Tech. The same Virginia Tech that has been to the NCAA Tournament once since 1986. Oh, and did I mention it was at Cameron?

-Compared to their previous games, Duke dominated from start to finish just 3 days after their near-collapse. That is, if you call allowing a Penn team with a losing record to stick around within 10-12 pts for the entire game "dominating." Me? I call that mediocrity.

-Then came the game that #### Vitale will talk about for the next 8 weeks. I'll give it to the Dukies, they played well. Great even. They performed as well as any team has this year. But let's be realistic: we just witnessed one of the 5-6 games per year where JJ Redick just goes nuts. Like "Damn, that is just unnatural" nuts. But we could have just as easily seen a game like he had against Boston (0/3 from 3), Drexel (2/8), or Virginia Tech (2/8). Would that have been enough for a Texas team without any kind of a true PG (for all of Daniel Gibson's hype, he has had 3 or fewer assists in over half his games this season) to beat Duke? Maybe not.

But all the game Saturday did for me was to serve as an indictment against Texas - not as evidence that Duke is the best team in the land. Granted, when Redick starts going 9/16 from 3, I will concede that Duke is the #1 team in the country.

But until he can do that every game, Duke is nothing more than a future #1 seed who will lose in the Sweet 16 yet again.