It’s no secret today that the Kansas City Royals are baseball’s worst team.  In a little over half a season, the boys at Blue Ridge Cutoff have only 32 wins to show for their efforts and are already trailing the AL Central leading Tigers by 30 games; numbers that would send most avid baseball fans into a John Dalyesque binge or worse yet cause them to watch the WNBA instead of Major League Baseball this summer.  When you pile on the fact that the Royals have only achieved a winning record twice since 1991, and have a combined record of 1001 – 1291 (an abysmal .437 winning percentage) during   this period, it’s a wonder that the entire state of Missouri isn’t on suicide watch.  So what is it that’s keeping these unfortunate Royals fans from threatening their own deaths more readily than Pacino in Scent of a Woman?  Are they under psychiatric care, are they just well adjusted human beings, are they too concerned with the Priest Holmes/Larry Johnson saga to pay attention?  If you chose none of the above, you’re correct.  As it turns out, the answer is that there is simply a severe lack of interest; nobody cares.  You can certainly call the Royals losers, but they lack much of the criteria necessary to be considered “Loveable Losers.”

I’ve spent countless hours of research and consulted numerous experts on the subject of losing (even Susan Lucci) to come up with my definitive formula for the loveable loser.  Essentially, there are four criteria which need to be met.  First of all, the team must have a fairly long history of losing, or at least of not winning anything significant.  (Well, the Royals certainly pass criterion number one.)  Second, there has to be some bad luck involved.  Next, there must be one or two talented, fan-friendly players on the team that have stuck around throughout all of this mediocrity.  And finally, that team must be the center of the sports universe for the fans in the area, so by definition the Red Sox stopped being loveable losers when the New England area started celebrating the Patriots’ Super Bowl XXXVI Championship (more on Boston later).  Below, you will see five models that exemplify these hard luck standards for the loveable loser. 

The Philadelphia 76ers:  March 18, 2006 – Present

Losing History:  Although they’ve been able to eke out winning records of late and qualify for the playoffs, they haven’t had a legitimate shot at a title since the ’00-’01, and haven’t won a title since 1983.

Bad Luck:  Allen Iverson.  One of the top 50 players ever in the NBA.  He averaged 33 points a game last year, and yet by some cruel twist of fate, the only way this team can ever rebuild and put together a winner it to trade him to dump salary and start from scratch.  To top it all off, the management is putting Philly fans through a “will-they-or-won’t-they” roller coaster this off season.  Let me end the suspense early for you, they should, and they will, probably to the Celtics.

Fan Friendly Icons:  Ironically, AI also fills this criterion.  He has even expressed his desire to stay in Philly, which makes him that much more fan friendly.

Only Story in the Area:  The reason the 6ers didn’t meet the criterion earlier than March 18 was that this was the day T.O. was signed by the Cowboys.  Thus, the 6ers, (and not TO versus Donavon) became the biggest sports story in the City of Brotherly Love.

The Cleveland Browns:  1995 – Present

Losing History:  In 1995 the Browns were a dismal 5 – 11 before jumping ship for Baltimore to become the Ravens.  In 1999, the new expansion Browns came to town and have picked up where the old Browns left off;  with only one winning season (9-7 in ’02) in the past 11 years.

Bad Luck:  Two words:  Art Modell.

Fan Friendly Icons:  Wide Receiver Dennis Northcutt has been with the team since he was drafted in 2000.  He’s one of the team’s most popular players and puts up modest receiving numbers while also shouldering most of the kick-returning duties.

Only Story in the Area:  I know what you’re saying, for brief periods the Indians playoff runs as well as King James have taken precedence, but during the football season the Browns are still foremost on the minds of most Cleveland fans.

Bill Murray in Stripes:  Right before he enlists in the Army.

Losing History:  He’s an aspiring photographer who has apparently been working as a cabby for years just to make ends meet and rent an apartment the size of my first dorm room.

Bad Luck:  On the same day, he consecutively loses his job, his car, his girlfriend, and his apartment.  What more can I say.

Fan Friendly Icons:  He’s Bill Murray.  You know him; you love him, wherever you’re from.

Only Story in the Area:  It was 1981 when Stripes came out, and it was before Raiders of the Lost Ark, so all he had to compete with was On Golden Pond and Chariots of Fire.

New York Yankees:  1989 – 1995

Losing History:  It’s hard to believe, but these Yankees didn’t have a winning year between ’89 – ’92.  1993 was only a small improvement and this brings me to. . .

Bad Luck:  The 1994 strike.  The Yankees seemed poised to win a divisional title (which meant a trip to the ALCS before realignment) but their most talented team in years never got the chance to finish what they started.

Fan Friendly Icons:  Current Yankees hitting coach and former first baseman Don Mattingly was one of the most talented hitters and well liked Yankees from 1983 to 1995.  He was the captain of the team and never put on another uniform.  That’s why so many New Yorkers breathed a collective sigh of relief as he pounded the turf in Toronto’s Sky Dome when the Bombers clinched the first ever AL Wild Card and Mattingly’s first (and only) playoff appearance.

Only Story in the Area:  New Yorkers are passionate about their sports, and the Giants in ’90 and the Rangers in ’94 were important.  But the Yankees have remained on top of the New York Sports food chain.

Boston Red Sox:  1918 – 2002

Losing History:  No championships over 80 + years.  ‘Nuff said.

Bad Luck:  Read: Babe, Buckner, Bucky (you’ve heard it all a million times, I won’t put you through it again).

Fan Friendly Icons:  Countless Players came and played legendary careers during this period.  A few of note were the “splendid splinter” Ted Williams and “Yaz” Carl Yastrzemski.

Only Story in the Area:  The Curse of the Bambino was still discussed after the Pat’s took the Super Bowl XXXVI crown in ’02, but the Red Sox were not as big of a story as Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.  You might be able to make a case that the Sox once again became loveable losers during the ’04 ALCS down 3-0 to the Yanks with no hope in sight.  Certainly, by the time they beat the odds, and the "curse" to win the ’04 title, they grew out of that dubious distinction.