If you were to build the physique of the perfect football player where would you start?

Building from the bottom up we’d perhaps begin with the calf muscles of Graeme Souness as they resembled ham-hocks on steroids followed by the enormous thighs of Diego Maradona which were seemingly thicker than the General Sherman Tree. Paul Gascoigne’s puffed out beer barrel chest would be ideal along with the ‘Pop-Eye’ arm strength of Pele – a fearsome package eh coming in at around 5’10 and 175lbs.

Greek Gods, let alone world class defenders would quake as this rampaging bull made its way towards you intent on bursting the back of the net. No doubt a fearsome proposition and the prototype for a center forward for the modern game – and then there’s Peter Crouch!

Adonis he isn’t but at 6’7 ‘Pantera Rosa’ or the Pink Panther’ as he’s known at Fox Sports Espanol is the tallest player to have ever represented England. Looking at his spindly body build though a career treading the circus lights with Barnum & Bailey would seem more appropriate. If he has a calf muscle I believe that the little fella’s stay well hidden behind the protection of his shin pads. I’ve seen sparrows with a more defined set of quadriceps while you fear that his very chest my collapse when teammates hug him after yet another goal – and as for his arm strength…I fear Kate Moss could take him down in an arm wrestling contest.

With 10 goals in his first 13 international matches Crouch’s scoring record is exactly on par with the legendary Jackie Milburn who scored a few goals here and there for Newcastle United (200). This puts him 45th on the all-time goal scoring charts however if he keeps up his torrid scoring pace of 2006 within four years he’ll be in sniffing distance of Bobby Charlton (49), Gary Lineker (48) and the ultimate poaching machine, Jimmy Greaves (44).

What I find most remarkable though is the fact that in this short space of time Crouch has turned the jeers that greeted some of his earlier England appearances into cheers. He has now even attained a certain degree of ‘cult’ status what with his robotic dancing style goal celebration and ‘surfer dude’ casual attitude to everything thrown at him – nothing seems to faze this lad.

I first remember seeing Crouch as a seventeen-year-old at the Tottenham Hotspur training ground in the heart of Essex in 1998. My long time mentor, Bill Songhurst, had told me about this ‘giraffe’ of a lad he’d been working with and said “you’ve got to see this boy. He’s built like a daddy-longlegs but there is something special about him”. Bill had been working on improving Crouch’s quick-feet mobility using agility ladders as his stride was deemed to large to play in tight spaces. It was obvious to me that he did have that ‘something’ special however you could also see there was a certain amount of uncoordinated movement and that was perhaps the primary reason that Spurs didn’t sign him and let him slip through their hands to QPR.

At Loftus Road, Crouch immediately made an impact in a losing season scoring 10 times which led to a 1.5 million pound move to Portsmouth in July, 2001. The air down on the South Coast seemed to suit our hero well as he scored a further 18 goals in just 37 starts which provoked Aston Villa into making a big money move, splashing out 5 million pounds for his services.

Villa Park though has proven to be the graveyard for many footballers in recent times and so it was for Crouch as he was eventually loaned out to Norwich City for a spell before returning to the South Coast to play for Portsmouth’s most hated rivals, Southampton in July, 2004. Despite 16 goals for the Saints he was unable to stop their slide to relegation, experiencing the drop for the second time in his short career.

Up stepped Liverpool and for the princely sum of seven million pounds Crouch would return to the Premiership where he would embark on the most barren spell of his football life.

Between July 26th 2005 when he made his Liverpool debut in the Champions League against FBK Kaunas and December 3rd Crouch went 19 matches without a goal before finally breaking his duck against Wigan Athletic. Watching him fluff sitter after sitter almost became a sport in itself with a good Reds fan of mine uttering the immortal line “he couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo” after contriving to spurn a chance that looked easy to score than miss.

Since that time though the goals for Liverpool have come at an average of one every three games which while not prolific is a decent enough return for a player who is just about to enter his striking prime. Admittedly he’ll never #### them home with the brute force of an Alan Shearer or the finesse of a Robbie Fowler but with those long legs able to stretch in front of defenders and towering height the variety of goals he is able to score is infinite.

Often taunted as a ‘freak’ by opposing club fans, Peter Crouch in my mind has the physical attributes to become a ‘freak of nature’ in international football. Premiership opponents may have a tactical plan for him but when it comes to the one-off international game this is where Peter Crouch has the perfect physique and at just twenty-five-years-old, the best is yet to come.

Until then, get the beers in.