NOT TOO MANY FRENCH BALLERS

I used to live in Paris and whenever there was a day it wasn't raining I would go out and play basketball.  I would walk over to the Jardins de Luxembourg at least once a week and round up a group of guys to shoot hoops.  And what a confidence booster for my game, I tell ya.

On that court I was a basketball god.  They all looked at me like I could do no wrong.  I felt what it must've felt like to be Jordan.  And I'll say it right now.  I'm okay.  But I'm not freaking great.  On an ordinary court in the U.S., I hang, hold my own, make a few shots and have fun.  I'm more Mike Ditka than Mike Jordan.

There, I felt like I was the one they always looked to to make the shot.  Thing was these guys, whatever 6 to 8 people were out there, were absolutely terrible most of the time.  There was always this tall Frenchman who stood near the basket like the Indian in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest."  There was a tubby guy I called "Fats Tuesday" or "Mardi Gras" if you will.  Fats always looked like he was going through this Sartre logic problem in his head before doing anything with the ball.   Mostly he travelled and we let him get away with it.  Well, I let him get away with it.  Everyone else seemed to think charging the basket from the free-throw line without dribbling was part of the game.

ZE BASKET N'EXISTE PAS

There were some highschoolers who came out occasionally and they were decent basketball players.  But still, it seemed like I was playing with a bunch of fifth graders on an 8' foot goal.  I'd block so many shots, I looked like Andrei Kirilenko if he were on a couple of Benzies and a quadruple espresso.  I was so happy and felt so good after playing with these guys that when I came back to the flat my girlfriend always accused me of messing around.  Sometimes we all have to feed these little sadistic desires to be the best and being out there schooling everybody was my weekly crack.

WHERE EEZ TONY?

Anyway, my point is when I found out Tony Parker was French I was taken aback.  I asked myself where did Tony play his pickup games in France?  Were there other French guys out there who could ball like that?  Was I just playing on the "challenged" court and nobody told me? Or maybe they did tell me.  My French wasn't that good at the time.  Were there other places in France where basketball was played at high level?

I knew certainly that France had a national team.  I knew they had their competive leagues for young men.  But still I thought those guys had never won anything.  They weren't that good.

See, all French guys philosophize way too much.  They think too much.  They smoke and drink red wine too much.  They eat too much cheese.  And they don't exercise enough. 

 And they can't handle the pressure.  Does anyone remember the French golfer who choked in the British Open, who had the damn thing won, until he completely blew up into flames at the last hole?  That's how all Frenchmen play sports.  Even if they have it won, they'll throw it away by too much overanalyzing.

So, I wanted to know where the hell Tony Parker got his game.  Where?  He's got that fast, elusive style.  He has cat-like reflexes and plays on instinct.  He zeros in on the basket and attacks.  He helps the Spurs win all the way, all the way to winning the Finals.  That's like no Frenchman I ever met.  He's not sitting there trying to figure out the degree of morality involved in making a jumper versus driving to the basket and getting fouled.  He just does it.

TONY, SPECIALISTE DE BASKET

So, where did Tony grow up playing basketball?  Some of it you can say he was instiled with early on.  Tony's dad grew up in Chicago and played professional basketball in France.  Tony's dad had a lot to do with guiding his early game. 

At an early age, Tony started, like every French kid, playing soccer in Rouen, a town Northwest of Paris.  Tony got his early inspiration for playing basketball on a family trip to Chicago where he got to witness Michael Jordan in person do his thing.  At that point Tony was hooked. 

Tony worked on his game, playing in leagues and was usually the point guard because of his shorter size (he would later have a big growth spurt).  He was discovered by a coach when he was chosen MVP of a junior tournament.  Through this coach's recommendation, Tony was able to attend the prestigious INSEP, a sports center in Paris devoted to gifted athletes. 

Tony excelled in the leagues in INSEP and when he finished there he went off to play basketball with Team Paris St. Germain (Coincidentally, not very far at all from Jardins Luxembourg).  Tony made himself known to American audiences at the 2000 Nike Hoopfest in Indianapolis.  Tony finished off his French basketball career by helping the French Junior Team win the European Championship and receiving the MVP in the process.

From there it was straight to the NBA and straight to the top.

OTHER BALLERS FRANCAIS

As some of us know from watching the NBA, and also the NCAA, there are other players of French origin making a name for themselves.  Boris Diaw, NBA's Most Improved Player, is helping to carry his team the Suns to the Western conference finals.  Mickael Pietrus is improving and making a place for himself as a Golden State Warrior.  Rony Turiaf has fought back from heart surgery to become a role player in the Lakers lineup.  And Joachim Noah won an NCAA championship at Florida.

Where were these guys when I was in France?  Well, I obviously played in a small pool of really bad players at a local park.  I hadn't realized France had some extremely talented athletes that didn't just play soccer.  They're out there in Paris or Lyon playing in leagues and getting better.  I'm sure there are lots of Tony Parkers on their way to the NBA.

One thing is for certain, Nash will put his neck on the line for the Suns.  And Vlady will be there with fangs on.

I AIN'T TRYIN' TO HEAR THAT:  Here's one myth that's along the lines of Bonzi's mole but opposite.  The better Richard Jefferson plays the smaller his ears get.

IS IT TRUE YOUR EARS ARE GETTING SMALLER?

The better he plays on court, the more he has to tune out players on the other team who are trying to get to him with trash talk.  Sooner or later, they won't be able to get inside his head via the ears.

THEY GOTTA GO SOMEWHERE:  Connected to Jefferson's myth is Michael Doleac.  Doleac's ears get bigger, the better Richard Jefferson plays.

I AM POTATOHEAD

You'll notice in the Heat-Nets series when Doleac is in the game, he'll use his ears as a third and fourth hand to swat at balls.

PART OF THE DA VINCI CODE IS HIDDEN ON JASON TERRY:

MONA LISA SMILE

Notice that Mona Lisa has a faint headband and the shape in the background behind her could only be that of the American Airlines Center.  This, gentlemen, points us to either Eric Dampier, Josh Howard, Marquis Daniels or Jason Terry.  All Mavericks and all wearers of headbands.  But only Jason Terry captures the elusiveness and mystery that is Mona Lisa.  We shall search him for clues.  The only real question scholars will want to know: Can Mona Lisa ball?

DAMON JONES IS ACTUALLY CLARENCE GILYARD FROM WALKER TEXAS RANGER :

                                               
           CLARENCE

DAMON

And you were asking what the heck happened to Clarence from Walker Texas Ranger and Diehard fame.  He shot 'em up as Chuck's sidekick and now he's doing his thing shootin' it up in the NBA as Lebron's sidekick.

MYTHS ABOUND IN CAR TOWN: There are so many myths about the various Piston players, whether it be the special powers of Rip's mask, the tales weaved from Ben's hair, or the forces emanating from Sheed's Sun tattoo. 

But the biggest myth of all is the one that Heat fans and Nets fans and Cavs fans are buying into, the one that says the Piston's won't go back to the NBA Finals this year.  After seeing them play Sunday, I'm having a hard time believing in that one. 

I'd rather believe that Carlos Delfino is Jimmy Fallon's long lost cousin.

HI JIMMY

I'd believe it if somebody told me that Tayshaun's arms are so long he can stand at one basket and touch someone all the way at the other basket.

CONDOR MAN

I'll believe that before I believe the Pistons aren't going to the finals.