* For the Atlanta Hawks to take Yi Jianlian and Brandan Wright with the #3 and #11. Because if you are going to be terrible, you should excel at it! And that might make Stephen A. Smith's head explode.
* Actually, I might want the Hawks to draft Al Horford, just so I can see Candice Parker go postal and slap everyone in the Hawks organization for drafting somebody at the same position as Sheldon Williams. Candice would do it. She's nuts.
* Side-by-side-by-side pictures of Mike Tyson, Kevin Durant and Jamie Foxx. Also, the pictures of Greg Oden getting freaky with some Ohio State co-eds. No wonder he considered staying in school. Who wants to sex Mutombo Oden?
(By the way, has anyone else noticed that the term "co-eds" is now used exclusively in news stories where some famous dude is hooking up with a skank? It's never, "Josh McRoberts was studying Physics with some co-eds.")
* A one-on-one conversation between Yi Jianlian and Stewart Scott, with closed captioning.
* A hilarious "Fact" about each draft pick. Seriously, the best was when Randy Foye's fact last year, when ESPN displayed "Would Most Like to Meet: His Parents." Does it make me a bad person that I laughed when I saw that? Probably. Also, when I learned that Adam Morrison cried when Rage Against the Machine broke up.
* Whenever an analyst makes a comment about a player, they should be forced to qualify that comment by noting they made the same comment about a player in the past. For example, Chad Ford says "Yi Jianlian has the potential to be better than Yao Ming." He should be forced to say, "that reminds me of the time I said 'Word in Europe is that [Nickoloz Tskitishvili] will be better than [Pau] Gasol.'" Or when Jay Bilas raves about how "long" Brandan Wright is, they should immediately show clips of him saying the exact same thing about Rudy "I have hyphens between the letters in my name so it doesn't get BLEEP's" G-A-Y and Marvin Williams.
* Previews of Shaq's new reality show battling childhood obesity. Hopefully, it involves the kids fighting a giant Kobe doll, or one of the kids angrily saying "now I know how you felt when Phil Jackson was yelling at you!"
* A dance-off between Spencer Hawes, Joakim Noah and Nick Fazekas.
(By the way, this is the joke that I will most likely look at in 5 years and say, "why did I think that was funny?" If we remember who Nick Fazekas is in five years, I'll be stunned. Why bother drafting him?)
* My Wizards drafting somebody who will contribute this decade. I really like how Ernie Grunfeld has improved the team in the four years he has been on the helm (he absolutely fleeces teams in trades), but no draft pick has made even a slight contribution. That would be nice.
* Speaking of the Wizards, somebody should ask Gilber Arenas his opinion of every draft pick. I bet it would involve him predicting he'll drop 50 on Oden, just to rile up Portland fans. That will be fun.
* Whoever gets drafted by the Spurs should be forced to say, "thanks, now I will be highly overrated because I play with Tim Duncan. Which means a desperate team will overpay me!" Philadelphia 76ers GM Billy King should immediately say to the Spurs draftee, "Does 5 years at $60 million sound good?"
* Kevin Garnett in fatigues, patiently telling the Atlanta Hawks to sign off on the trade sending him to Phoenix, while holding a gun to their heads.
* Golden State drafting Aaron Brooks in the second round, and then saying "well, Oakland fans, he'll be better than the other Aaron Brooks." Aaron Brooks will have to have 4 turnovers a game to do worse than the former Raiders QB.
* And lastly, David Stern immediately suspending Sean Williams for 10 games, and justifying his action by saying, "it is inevitable. Might as well get it out of the way."
* Etymology is the study of the origin of words. For example, both pity and pain are derived from the Greek work splankhnon, which means “deep movement of the bowels.” Therefore, when Mr. T. exclaimed, “I pity the fool,” in Rocky III, he was really saying, “when I see fools, I #### my pants.” And when he said, “I predict pain,” he meant, “I predict ####ing.” And he’d fit right in Pakistan.
* Amazingly, Wilt Chamberlain never missed a game for groin fatigue.
* Whenever we start writing comments such as "Notre Dame fans are crazy," or "USC fans are nuts," or "the WNBA's fan is psychotic," remeber one thing: we are not Arkansas fans.
(This site is funny, only because it issues the first ever PDF Warning. Oh no! What ever will I do? I will be forced do read documents I can not edit! Oh, the humanity!)
* If you were wondering, “What could possibly be better than the first two games of the Piston-Cavs series,” I have found one answer.
* The Reggie Bush Investigation: Stuff is getting done, and people are “convinced”. Fortunately, we will only have to wait two more days for justice.
* Congratulations to Billy Donovan, who is now the head coach of the Orlando Magic. Although some may say that he is getting a tremendous pay raise to move from one whining player to another, you can’t pass up the opportunity to coach the player once referred to as “Europe's version of LeBron James.” Maybe Billy could use some lessons in planning ahead.
* Since I am the world’s foremost proponent of moose racing, I believe that Chad Johnson’s race with a horse should be followed by Terrell Owens racing a moose. In an illogical world, it’s the logical conclusion to TO’s career.
(BTW: I have no idea how this ended up under NFL. It's all good though, yay NFL post that starts with A-Rod jokes!)
Hey everyone,
My name is Matt Morrison. I live in Baltimore, MD. I'm obviously a Ravens fan, and I am also a Notre Dame fan (my dad went, so it's in my blood I guess). I just like writing goofy stuff. The picture is of my puppy. My e-mail address is mattmorrisonc omedy@gmail.c om.
Hope you enjoy my blog!
