Hey everyone,

Barry Bonds has been sued over steroids... because he selled them to nuns in order to feed Bud Selig's cocaine addiction.  An actual lawsuit, posted by The Smoking Gun, has been filed by convicted con-artist Jonathon Lee Riches (who referes to himself as "The White Suge Knight" in his handwritten lawsuit) against Barry Bonds, Bud Selig and Hank Aaron's Baseball Bat.  His lawsuit was given two titles: "Fraud against mankind," and "Batman and Identity Robbin."  He claims that Barry Bonds is violating his rights under the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th, 13th and 14th amendments of the Constitution. 

He is also seeking damages upward of $63 billion from Mike Vick ("backed by gold and silver"), who he claims stole his dogs, sold them on eBay, and used the money to buy weapons from the Iranian Government.  He also claimed that, "On February 10th, 2007, Michael Vick plead allegiance to Al Queda" and "used drugs in school zones."

In a third lawsuit, which contains a 57-page outline of the defendants alone,  he sued (among others) President Bush, the Tsunami Victims, The Pope, Google, Osama Bin Laden, Jerry West, the 13 tribes of Israel, Kelly Clarkson, Venus Williams, Medieval Times, Larry King, Kofi Annan, Tony Danza, The Magna Carta, NASCAR, the Wu-Tang Clan, Mike Tyson, the Native American Fish Society, Waffle House, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Skittles and (this quote made me laugh) "Philadelphia Eagles (2005 roster, including Donovan McNabb)." 

(It's bad enough that McNabb has had to put up with fans booing his selection over Ricky Williams in the draft, constantly being second guessed, Rush Limbaugh, TO, getting hurt multiple times, his mom fueding with the team website and the Kevin Kolb draft day selection.  Now he has to deal with a certifiable lunatic feeling it necessary - in a bogus lawsuit - to indicate that McNabb was actually on the roster during the 2005 season.  Has anybody had to deal with more randomly bizarre stuff in his career than Donovan McNabb?  I think not.)

Anyway, here are some important details about the Barry Bonds lawsuit:

* "Mr. Selig on 2 occassions (December 10th, 2001 and February 6th, 2003) met Mr. Bonds at the I-70 Steak and Shake, Booth #11, made an under-the-table cream exchange, needles, HGH as Mr. Bonds provided him 22,000 for his services."  To prove this accusation, he states "I planted a bug at Booth #10.  Robert Novak and Judith Miller have copies of the transcripts."

* Then it gets weird.  He claimed that Barry used Hank Aatron's corked bat during games which - I am not making this up - contains "secret chambers where Barry stores his HGH suppliments."  He also claimed that Barry Bonds used Hank Aaron's cork filed bat to crack the Libert Bell.

* He claimes that Barry Bonds, on June 22nd, 2004, "bench pressed me against my will to show off to his Ballprak Buddies.  I also witnessed him selling steroids to nuns."

* He claims that Barry Bonds owns a steroid house in South Bend, Indiana!  Umm, Go Irish?!?  Part of me is disappointed that he didn't bring Lou Holtz into this lawsuit.

* He also claims that Barry Bonds is a terrorist: "Mr. Bonds gave Saddam Hussein mustard gas, part of the oil for food scandal."

Is it bad this I wish this was true?

Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison