Major League baseball is a great sport to watch.  The players are the best in the world, and their ability to paint the corners, or slap a 100 mph fastball the other way, or track down a 400 foot rocket on the run just amazes me.  As Yogi Berra once said, “You can observe a lot just by watching.”  And I truly enjoy watching these great athletes perform their craft.  It is when a microphone is placed in front of them that so many fail to perform.  Similar to Jessica Simpson appearing in a movie, they are meant to be seen and not heard.  The steroid scandal has resulted in countless quotes that are both humorous and sad.  Humorous in that someone actually thought to say such a thing. Sad in that they believe that we, the fans, will buy what they have said.  Well, more accurately, it is sad that many will believe it.  Sure, Fernando Vina, I believe that you were simply trying to recuperate from an injury.  I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that you were a small, aging, struggling ballplayer clinging to any chance you had to remain a Major League Baseball player.  Heck, if you had come out and said that you used HGH because you were a small, aging, struggling ballplayer clinging to any chance you had to remain a Major League Baseball player, I would have respected that.  In fact, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have done the same thing if I was in the situation you were in.  But I have trouble believing you took it solely to rehab your hamstring injuries.  That’s humorous and sad.

Of course, the idea of ballplayers saying some pretty bizarre things is not a phenomenon brought on by steroids.  In fact, Major League Baseball has provided us with some gems throughout history.  So, grab and pencil and paper and test your knowledge of who said what.  Some of these will be pretty easy, and some will be about as tough as convincing the Twins that an offer for Santana is a fair one.

 1.)  “I never thought anybody would make me look like an altar boy.”

  a. Pete Rose     b. Ty Cobb    c. Ricky Henderson    d. Billy Martin

 2.)  “The one thing we know today is that we can’t continue to do business the way we have in the past.”

  a. Donald Fehr   b. Bud Selig    c. Happy Chandler   d. Hank Steinbrenner

 3.)  “It's called talent. I just have it. I can't explain it. You either have it or you don't.”

a. Tony Gwynn    b. Barry Bonds    c. Nolan Ryan  d. Ted Williams

4.) “The reality is that players can't play forever."

a. Minnie Minoso   b. Cal Ripken, Jr.   c. Satchell Paige    d. Nolan Ryan

5.) “I'm not ashamed of who I am. Of course I'm ashamed of the things that have happened. But with life experiences, you're able to give back and help others.”

a. Mark McGwire    b. Dwight Gooden    c. Pete Rose   d. Darryl Strawberry

 6.)  “Once and for all, I did not use steroids or any other illegal substance.”       

a. Gary Matthews, Jr.   b. Mark McGwire    c. Jesse Orosco   d. Jose Canseco

 7.)  “I'd always have grease in at least two places, in case the umpires would ask me to wipe one off. I never wanted to be caught out there with anything though, it wouldn't be professional.”

a. Sandy Koufax    b. ####lord Perry    c. Bob Gibson  d. Stan Coveleski

 8.)  “Everyone in society should be a role model, not only for their own self-respect, but for respect from others.”

 a. Derek Jeter    b. Mike Schmidt    c. Tom Seaver   d. Barry Bonds

9.)  "God knows I gave my best in baseball at all times and no man on earth can truthfully judge me otherwise."

   a.  Steve Carlton  b. Ernie Banks   c. Lou Gehrig   d. Shoeless Joe Jackson 

10.)  “I'm not concerned with your liking or disliking me... All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.”

 a. Jackie Robinson   b. Warren Spahn   c. Wily Mo Pena   d. Ed Ott

11.)  “Are we to say that any individual who's on steroids that has an angry moment is due to steroids? What about the individual who gets angry and kills someone who's not on steroids? What do we blame it on now?”

a. Bud Selig    b. Jose Canseco     c. Fernando Vina   d. Vin Scully

12.)  “There's nothing bad that accrues from baseball.”

a. Donald Fehr    b. Marvin Miller    c. A. Bartlett Giamatti  d. Bud Selig 

13.)  “Don't ever forget two things I'm going to tell you. One, don't believe everything that's written about you. Two, don't pick up too many checks.”

 a. Babe Ruth  b. Tommy LaSorda   c. Barry Bonds  d. Cecil Fielder

14.)  “If it wasn't for baseball, I'd be in either the penitentiary or the cemetery.”

 a. Babe Ruth  b. Ty Cobb  c. Greg Maddux  d. Jim Rice

15.)  "If I hear Bowie Kuhn say just once more he's doing something for the betterment of baseball, I'm going to throw-up."

  a. Pete Rose   b. Mickey Mantle   c. Sparky Anderson  d. Charles Finley

16.) “I don't think anybody ever saw anybody taking anything.”

 a. Mark McGwire  b. Rafeael Palmeiro  c. Dusty Baker  d. Ozzie Smith

17.)  “I don't think that - you know, I'm sure that there's guys that are doing it, because I'm sure in every sport there's players who want to get the edge. But I think that it's been blown overly - way more than guys are using it in our game.”

 a. Tony LaRussa   b. Rafael Palmeiro   c. Alex Rodriguez   d. Sammy Sosa

18.)  “I have never used steroids. Period.”

  a. Mark McGwire  b. Rafael Palmeiro  c. Jason Giambi   d. Dizzy Dean

19.)  “When I testified in front of Congress, I know that I was testifying under oath and I told the truth.”

 a. Curt Schilling   b. Rafael Palmeiro   c. Frank Thomas   d. Sammy Sosa

20.)  “I hope that people learn from my mistake and I hope that the fans forgive me.”

 a. Kirby Pucket   b. Rafael Palmeiro   c. Roger Clemens   d. Pete Rose

OK, let’s see how you did… 

1.  a.  Pete Rose just said this recently.  If Pete speaks, we should hear, “I’m sorry.”

2.  b.  Bud Selig.  Does that mean it’s time for a new commissioner?

3.  b.  All four choices have talent.  Barry Bonds felt he needed to tell everyone.

4.  b.  It’s too bad you couldn’t play forever, Cal.  Baseball could use you.

5.  d.  All four could have said it, but it was Strawberry who actually did.

6.  b.  Um, yes you did Mark!

7.  b.  ####lord used the grease.  Koveleski used his spit.  The other two used talent.

8.  d.  Practice what you preach, Barry!

9.  d.  Shoeless Joe Jackson. 

10. a. Jackie Robinson

11. b. We’ll just blame it on you, Jose.

12. c. Some would argue this point.

13. a. What would a baseball quiz be without the Babe?

14. a. If it wasn’t for the Babe, baseball may be in the cemetery.

15. c. Just one of the many colorful quotes from Sparky.

16. b. Rafael Palmeiro.  You tried hard to fool us.

17. b. Rafael Palmeiro.  You tried hard to confuse us.

18. b. Rafael Palmeiro.  You wagged your finger and lied to everyone.

19. b. Rafael Palmeiro.   Then you lied some more to cover your lies.

20. b. Rafael Palmeiro.  OK, we forgive you.  Or wait, maybe I’m lying!

The grading scale?

18-20 Correct:  Hall of Famer

14-17 Correct:  An All Star!

10-13 Correct:  A solid job.

< 10 Correct:  Dare I suggest performance enhancers?

Regardless of how you scored, my advice is that the next time you hear a player giving what he claims is an honest answer, you should remember Yogi Berra's advice and, “Take it with a grin of salt.”