The LPGA has kicked up a kerfuffle with their decision to make English proficiency a requirement for players who have been on tour for at least two years. The penalty for noncompliance by the end of 2009 is suspension. Their rationale for this standard is that the tour is a business, and a player's job is equally to entertain as it is to win.
There are legitimately serious arguments from many angles on this divisive topic.*
But aside from this dictum being poorly communicated, it shows a lack of brainstorming and creativity. Did they stop at just one idea?! The LPGA is missing several promotional opportunities waiting right under their visors! One only has to tap a few relevant business models and nearby sources to discover this:
10) The Beijing Model Bob Ford of The Philadelphia Inquirerdraws a parallel between the LPGA English requirement and the Olympic lip-synching flap. Beijing officials defended their choice by saying they picked the best voice and the best entertainer, emphasizing the opportunity for both girls as opposed to the exclusion of one. A similar balance could be struck here: the LPGA could issue a request that the sound-bite ready, native English-speaking golfers play better. That should make the papers!
9) The Anna Model Players claim that no one wants to be the Kournikova of golf. But why not when you can recycle the name? Yes, I am talking about Anna Rawson. Not that the sex symbol thing worked well for Laura Baugh. But much like Anna K. inspired an army of Russian girls to dominate tennis, Rawson could encourage her countrywomen Down Under to dream of the LPGA Tour as a way to escape their current plight -- the Urban Male Shortage.
8) The Daly Model These women are trying waaayy too hard to be proper and glamorous... and stable. The aforementioned Baugh might have been a star on her own Planet -- a svelte, not exactly Everywoman version, of course. But she's sober and retired. In this era of MySpace, there must be some reality aspirant ready to bare her flaws. Seriously, Long John's popularity is astronomical.
7) The Three P's of Fashion As in Payne Stewart/Ian Poulter/Jesper Parnevik. The answer is obvious; the LPGA is just not taking full advantage. Christina Kim. With a personality as lively as her pants.
SHE LIKES CHUCK PALAHNIUK AND PIGTAILS
6) Take Back the Coif Speaking of pigtails, a signature hairstyle is now more a marker of men's athletics than women's. This is another area where the ladies could lighten up. (And I don't mean go blonde.) Follicular activity makes for good copy. Just ask Troy Polamalu. Or Ocho Cinco. The golfers should leave the scrunchies to the soccer set... Who says dreadlocks are the domain of roller derby?
A LITTLE TWEAKING AND THIS LOOK IS READY FOR THE LINKS!
5) Six Degrees of Manning, Peyton Though his hair is, at best, nondescript, thirty seconds with this man is worth more than Warhol's fifteen minutes. One commercial with the Indy QB and you're YouTube forever!
4)Calling Up Numbers Getting back to Ocho Cinco, just think of
all the media mayhem that could be caused by the players wearing
numbered jerseys on the course. Numbers are a universal language. Oh, think of the galleries... the headlines... the catfight over the number 10.
3)Fancy Footwork NBA. WTA. IRL. The LPGA better act quick to beat the PGA to Dancing with the Stars! There has yet to be a pro or former pro golfer on the U.S. reality series, but athletes are shaking up the competition. Celebrities of all kinds have been waltzing in their current glory, or reviving careers. But since Jerry Rice's runner-up appearance in Season Two, athletes have been rocking the top spot. The latest winner was Kristi Yamaguchi, a woman who knows a thing or two about Q Score.
2) Bring on the Big Screen Don't stop at the small screen. Hollywood has rebooted Bond. And Batman. It's time to give the golf film genre a feminine twist. Can't you see Caddyshack remade with Anna Faris and Sarah Silverman? And Tin Cup has Chelsea Handler written all over it... Quick, get me someone who can sign Jane Krakowski on for Happy Gilmore!!!
1)The Ichiro Model Let's think about how we define proficiency, shall we? Many native English-speakers just churn out sports cliches. On the other end of the spectrum, Suzuki's utterings are worthy of publication.
At the very least, next time bring Ichiro's dog Ikky in for an opinion.
* My own more serious thoughts to follow at a later date.
Milwaukee’s newest ace CC Sabathia recently made the request that his initials be forever portrayed sans periods. This announcement made a minor ripple in sports reporting, a moderate whirl in editing circles, and a cannonball ker-plunky splash in the literary forensics community.
Especially when documentation surfaced to support pet theories. Trade conditions of the Milwaukee Brewers required the southpaw to immerse himself in art therapy as part of his adjustment from the American League to the National League.
As part of his transition, Sabathia wrote a pastiche of Hist Whist, by the American poet ee cummings. His resulting freeform homage was leaked by an unknown source:
Hits WHiP
CC Sabathia
Hits WHiP
little ghost-swings
tip-foul
sinker-scowl
middle pitchy
switch missed singling
job wins
love-the-LOB stump-a-Schwab
fiddle poppin’ Papi!
road wind speeds
feeds
wriggly Cubby housies
this shuttling
Cy hustle and bunt and
slideslideslider
whiff
wits rook out with the old Yankfan
talk the third base whose woes
what he’ ll pay to her
lawyerly knows
Kazmanian devil threw
Dioner crouch
and Evan
no-devil rays
teams
catching
no-devil
level
no-devil
level
wheeeK/9
This lyrical piece linked with Sabathia’s moniker revision has convinced some that the pitcher is the poet Cummings reincarnated.
Bo Heemian, officer in the Second Cummings Society, praised the hurler’s devotion to the original spirit of Hist Whist. “Some may erroneously protest the capitalization in CC’s piece, but Cummings believed in free orthography... Besides, if you drop the caps to “whip,” we’re in an entirely different genre.”
“Selection of Cumming’s Halloween-themed poem is CC’s way of exorcizing his demons of last October,” Sabathia’s art the####, Elsa Cassidy said. “He also addresses a shift in rivals and his absence in the All-Star Game this year. Most importantly, he shows confidence in his new ball club and his contribution.”
Echoing the AL Cy Young race last year, Sabathia has strong competition in letters. A significant faction of the Second Cummings Society believes they have found their best candidate in Beyonce Knowles.
As evidence, they present the similarity between a segment of Cumming’s i like my body when it is with your:
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
To the mezzo-soprano’s big finish of the extended remix for Get Me Bodied:
I touch yo body while you touch my
body we're touchin' bodies tonight
(we're gettin' bodied)
“Like Bey, Cummings was the ultimate hyphenate! He was a literary, as well as visual artist. She’s made The Frug relevant again,” contemporary poet Laurie Ott said. “And despite what Dr. Dre says, I’m hot on a paper trail to prove that Cummings coined the word ‘bootylicious.’”
Literary detectives are scouring
Cummings’ archives for usage of “badonkadonk.”
With a sassy head snap, the Sports Illustrated cover girl herself offered some advice to the ball player, “Pitch to the left, to the left. Everything you own in the box to the left.”
The newly fermented Brewer has also attracted the attention of the father of the poetry slam, whose website is incidentally: slampapi.com.
Sabathia declined to comment, letting his slider and scribblings speak for themselves.
However, last year’s other AL Cy Young contender offered a prosaic thought on the race between CC and B, “I don’t get paid to make those ####’ decisions.”
Josh Beckett’s remark has reportedly stirred the Succeeding Samuel Society.
BALCO, Barry & Bud. Vino, Astana & blood. A day dominated by men named Stern and Goodell.
Yesterday was my first day in a couple of weeks back to tv. The drought time included twelve days straight at work and x-rays for my own overuse injury. I was looking forward to a day off, a little ESPN & a return to workouts.
Now me, I don't think the nickname Joey Blue Skies is such a bad thing... But a day full of terse press conferences can even get a girl who reads Ode magazine feeling a little wrung.
Sure, three hours of yoga can set anybody back to perky... But the man who really set things back to right is Craig Biggio.
Tie game, bottom of the sixth, two outs and bases loaded. Biggio -- who had tearfully announced his impending retirement just hours prior -- stepped up to the plate. That was enough for my brother and I to shut up & stand up.
One pitch. One sweet crack of the bat.
One only had to watch Bigg's reaction to know that it was GONE. Ripped to left. The flip of his bat said it all, and even the dog was out of his La-Z-Boy and cheering.
Number seven's dramatic moments this year have been seemingly overshadowed. The night he hit 3000, he shared press time with Frank Thomas' 500th home run. But life isn't just the drama of the day. It is day after day. And in this, the 41-year-old excels.
In his afternoon announcement, Biggio said, "I have no regrets, I played the game the right way, the way it's supposed to be played." He said he played the way men before him played.
Then he added, " And the way the game will continue to be played."
The Astros promotional theme is The Return of the Good Guys. Craig is clearly one of the good guys. He won't return next year, but he will leave his love of the game and legacy of GOOD to be carried on. Something that can already be seen in the enthusiatic rookie Hunter Pence.
Even amongst the scandals, there are things that are right. And they will continue to be.
Today is Fat Tuesday, but in these parts it's known as Paczki Day.
Can you say "paczki?"
Let me help you. POONCH-key.
Every year around this time, folks in white coats work into the night to produce these high-performance baked goods. Your jelly-filled looks pretty scrawny compared to these pumped-up pastries.
Rumor has it the secret is in the richer batter.
And the public can't get enough of these money makers!
Paczki are Polish donuts. The Detroit suburb of Hamtramck is home to several authentic Polish bakeries. Once upon a time, these regional treats used to be scarce, but now they have gained popularity with added media exposure.
I'm no junk-food advocate. But if you can get your hands on one, indulge. They are only made for this one day at some bakeries.
The traditional filling is prune. (Oops, I just lost some of you there. Perhaps I should say "dried plum.") But now there are many varieties: raspberry, lemon, and custard to name a few.
You can also choose from glazed, powdered sugar or granulated sugar coating.
Enjoy your Paczki Day, aka Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras or Shrove Tuesday! And think on the good people of New Orleans.
As for me, if I don't get to the bakery before the paczki sell out, I'm going to be just fine. Why?
BECAUSE MARAT SAFIN IS BACK!
As I was typing this, Safin defeated fellow Russian Nikolay Davydenko 4-6, 6-2, 6-2 in his opening match at the Dubai Tennis Championships. Due to a knee injury, Safin hasn't played since August 2005 and his ranking slipped to 53. To draw Davydenko in his first return to competition was tough! Davydenko really came into his own last year, taking over the Russian men's number one spot from Safin.
Safin's first match back and he DEFEATS THE NUMBER FIVE PLAYER IN THE WORLD... a sign of good things to come. Forget the sugar buzz, THIS makes my day!
I'd say I'm more athlete than fan. I hope I can say that all my life.
After Marat Safin, is there anyone else?
Some of my other favorite athletes include: Dmitry Tursunov, Kim Clijsters, Roger Federer, Tedy Bruschi, Cory Schlesinger, Brian McBride, Lynn Hill & Dean Potter.
I truly appreciate any advice or criticism. Thank you.
