The LPGA has kicked up a kerfuffle with their decision to make English proficiency a requirement for players who have been on tour for at least two years. The penalty for noncompliance by the end of 2009 is suspension.  Their rationale for this standard is that the tour is a business, and a player's job is equally to entertain as it is to win. 

There are legitimately serious arguments from many angles on this divisive topic.*

But aside from this dictum being poorly communicated, it shows a lack of brainstorming and creativity.  Did they stop at just one idea?!  The LPGA is missing several promotional opportunities waiting right under their visors!  One only has to tap a few relevant business models and nearby sources to discover this:


10) The Beijing Model  Bob Ford of The Philadelphia Inquirer draws a parallel between the LPGA English requirement and the Olympic lip-synching flap.  Beijing officials defended their choice by saying they picked the best voice and the best entertainer, emphasizing the opportunity for both girls as opposed to the exclusion of one.  A similar balance could be struck here: the LPGA could issue a request that the sound-bite ready, native English-speaking golfers play better.  That should make the papers!

9) The Anna Model  Players claim that no one wants to be the Kournikova of golf.  But why not when you can recycle the name?  Yes, I am talking about Anna Rawson.  Not that the sex symbol thing worked well for Laura Baugh.  But much like Anna K. inspired an army of Russian girls to dominate tennis, Rawson could encourage her countrywomen Down Under to dream of the LPGA Tour as a way to escape their current plight -- the Urban Male Shortage.

8) The Daly Model  These women are trying waaayy too hard to be proper and glamorous... and stable.  The aforementioned Baugh might have been a star on her own Planet -- a svelte, not exactly Everywoman version, of course.  But she's sober and retired.  In this era of MySpace, there must be some reality aspirant ready to bare her flaws.  Seriously, Long John's popularity is astronomical.

7) The Three P's of Fashion  As in Payne Stewart/Ian Poulter/Jesper Parnevik.  The answer is obvious; the LPGA is just not taking full advantage.  Christina Kim.  With a personality as lively as her pants.




SHE LIKES CHUCK PALAHNIUK AND PIGTAILS

6) Take Back the Coif  Speaking of pigtails, a signature hairstyle is now more a marker of men's athletics than women's.  This is another area where the ladies could lighten up.  (And I don't mean go blonde.)   Follicular activity makes for good copy.  Just ask Troy Polamalu.  Or Ocho Cinco. The golfers should leave the scrunchies to the soccer set...  Who says dreadlocks are the domain of roller derby?



A LITTLE TWEAKING
AND THIS LOOK IS READY FOR THE LINKS!

5) Six Degrees of Manning, Peyton  Though his hair is, at best, nondescript, thirty seconds with this man is worth more than Warhol's fifteen minutes.  One commercial with the Indy QB and you're YouTube forever!

4) Calling Up Numbers  Getting back to Ocho Cinco, just think of all the media mayhem that could be caused by the players wearing numbered jerseys on the course.  Numbers are a universal language.  Oh, think of the galleries... the headlines... the catfight over the number 10.

3) Fancy Footwork  NBA.  WTA.  IRL.  The LPGA better act quick to beat the PGA to Dancing with the Stars!  There has yet to be a pro or former pro golfer on the U.S. reality series, but athletes are shaking up the competition.  Celebrities of all kinds have been waltzing in their current glory, or reviving careers.  But since Jerry Rice's runner-up appearance in Season Two, athletes have been rocking the top spot.  The latest winner was Kristi Yamaguchi, a woman who knows a thing or two about Q Score.

2) Bring on the Big Screen  Don't stop at the small screen.  Hollywood has rebooted Bond.  And Batman.  It's time to give the golf film genre a feminine twist.  Can't you see Caddyshack remade with Anna Faris and Sarah Silverman?  And Tin Cup has Chelsea Handler written all over it...  Quick, get me someone who can sign Jane Krakowski on for Happy Gilmore!!!

1) The Ichiro Model  Let's think about how we define proficiency, shall we?  Many native English-speakers just churn out sports cliches.  On the other end of the spectrum, Suzuki's utterings are worthy of publication.

At the very least, next time bring Ichiro's dog Ikky in for an opinion.

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* My own more serious thoughts to follow at a later date.