Well, the Orlando Magic suspended Steve Francis indefinitely for "conduct detrimental to the team." (http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/5240796)<
/p>

So, why not swap him for Artest?

Artest would bring new life to a decent Orlando team, and would really be replacing the cursed Grant Hill. Orlando needs a little meat in the front court.

While the Pacers are clogged at point guard, Francis is an upgrade on everyone there. It doesn't cure their Center issue, but it gives them a superstar to feed Jermaine O'Neal.

Aside from the fact that these guys are both headcases, is there any reason not to do this?

I don't think so...

Let me start by saying, I blame this whole Marcus Vick affair on whoever it was that advised him to go to Virginia Tech. Clearly, with such an insane, hair-trigger talent like Marcus, the proper place for him to have gone was the University of Miami, where they have people to take care of these types of things. Had Vick gone to UM and stomped on an All-American, you can bet the entire O-Line would have been right behind him to help him out.

Having said that, please know that I, personally, love atheletes like Marcus Vick. They're talented, good looking, and could explode in an orgy of stupid behavior at the drop of a hat. And with TO on the sidelines and Ron Artest on AC Green behavior, there's been a giant gaping hole in the sports entertainment nutjob department. So he's given us a lot to talk about, which is more than I can say for, oh, I don't know, boring Matt Hasselbeck.

But who should take the plunge and actually draft the Stompie Hokie (or "New Mexico,", as the hipsters at Deadspin call him)??

Here's my list of the top 5 teams that should pick him, in reverse order:

5) Detroit Lions. You just know that Millen (is he still there?) looks at Vick, salivates, and thinks "Wow, that guy would make an amazing wide receiver."

4) Houston Texans. After they pick holy man Reggie Bush with the first pick, why not take the devil in Vick with the first pick in a later round? With two guys that fast, they won't need to pay any attention to the Offensive Line, and the goodness of Bush will counteract the evil Vick brings to the team, leaving the Texans in a perfectly balanced state.

3) Miami Dolphins. We need a QB, and anyone is better than Gus Frerotte. Besides, Ricky Williams can mellow him out.

2) Oakland Raiders. Duh.

1) Atlanta Falcons. Now hear me out on this one. First of all, this is the one team in the league where there's someone in place to keep Marcus in line. Second, I don't know if you've noticed it, but Atlanta gets into a fight, like, every game. Third, Atlanta has some serious injury issues with Mike Vick, who seems to get injured every time he's handed the ball. There's a pretty big drop off from Mike Vick to the backup, who I believe is Survivor's Gary Hogeboom. But if Marcus Vick is backing up Michael Vick, there's like, no drop off at all!

Can you imagine the playcalling?

Announcer: And Vick drops back to pass, looks for a receiver but the team can't find one as the team doesn't actually have any on their roster, pressure comes up the middle and Vick reverses field, stepping out of a tackle and he's loose! He's at the forty-five, the fifty, the forty, the thirty, and ouch! He's tackled at the twenty-five. Vick is on the ground, writhing in pain, apparantly someone touched him...it looks like Vick is coming out of the game..and into the game comes Vick! Vick is really going to have to step it up to fill in for Vick. Vick is now on the sidelines being examined, as Vick lines up behind center. Vick takes the snap, rolls out to his left, and takes off down to the fourteen yard line before spiking the cornerback in the face with his cleat! With Vick out injured, it's a good thing Vick was ready to play.

And finally, of course, if Vick doesn't get drafted, he should definitely join the WWE. He could wrestle as The Big Vick.

Let me be clear here: I'm a Dolphins fan. I bleed aqua and orange.

And that means I hate only three things in life: Bills, Jets and Patriots.

So I don't write this post lightly.

I know it's early, and as of this moment, I'd have to say, no way is Tom Brady the best QB who ever played. Clearly, that honor belongs to one  Daniel Constantine Marino, Jr.

BUT...

If the Pats win at Denver, at Indy, and the Super Bowl against whoever, then at THAT point, Brady will become the BEST QB EVER.

That would be 13-0 in the playoffs. 4 Super Bowl rings. 3 in a row.

Folks, that's not the stuff of legends (9-0 and 3 rings is). That's the stuff of "Best Ever." That's Michael Jordan-good. That's Babe Ruth-good. That's Meryl Streep-good.

So, there IS another story to this year's playoffs: can Brady become the Best Ever?

We'll see...

Edit: I posted this at around 10:30pm PST. Now that I've heard the truth -- that 12 of the miners are dead -- I'm heartbroken for the entire state, and furious with that mining company. I just don't have words for this...

So, I logged on to write the post below, and I saw that 12 miners were still alive in that awful West Virginia coal mine explosion from yesterday (http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/03/mine.explosion/
index.html).

I was thrilled -- absolutely delighted. I kinda don't mind the Seminoles losing, because it really put it in perspective.

Earlier this morning, when I was reading the story, looking at photos of the wives and families, and even had the misfortune of stumbling across the awful headline on Drudge (which said something like "losing hope." or "feared dead," or "blame Clinton"), I kept on thinking about how all those guys probably wanted to do was go to work, then get home in time to cheer on their Mountaineers. And all I could think about was how these guys and theor families might have missed something that would have given them such joy, and were instead stuck in such despair.

So now I imagine those guys getting out. I can imagine the reunions with their families. And I can only imagine when, after everything has settled down, and they ask how the Mountaineers did against Georgia, how much more happier they'll be when they find out their hometown boys won.

And so, tonight, I'm happy for all of West Virginia, for staging two improbably underdog victories.

And god bless the one miner that didn't make it, and I pray that all who did are healthy.

I'm actually pretty proud of my 'Noles, given that most folks hadn't given them a chance against V-Tech and Thug Vick (in all fairness, myself included). They showed up to the ACC Championship, and tonight they went toe-to-toe with a very good Penn State squad, without their best player/fondler available to play.

But of course, FSU lost, in classic FSU fashion: wide left, wide right, wide right.

But is that really why FSU lost?

Sorry, no way, unh-unh, ain't buyin' it. The Legend of the Seminoles Kicker is a convenient excuse for that bludering son of the Godfather, Fredo Bowden.

Here's why:

How many times at the beginning of the second half was FSU in PSU territory? Umm, almost every drive in the third quarter. And how many first downs did they get? None.

That's play calling, folks.

How many rushing yards did the Noles have? Under 30.

That's poor utilization of an asset, folks.

How man penalties pushed FSU back at critical times? 5.

That's poor coaching, folks.

And the most egregious mistake? In the midst of absolutely dominating the field position in the second half, FSU goes for it on fourth down, giving up the field advantage. PSU pins them back, gets a safety.

Those are the reasons FSU lost tonight. You can not put the game on the back of a freshman QB or kicker, when you have so many opportunities to use DaCody ####g, Greg Carr, and the fantastic tandem RBs of Booker and Washington. You just can't. But that's exactly what Fredo did.

So, FSU goes 8-5, and maybe, if the pollsters are kind, will stay in the top 25 tomorrow.

And Fredo--next year, with this young squad, you won't have the freshman QB excuse, either.

It's all you, Fredo. Say your Hail Marys and I hope you catch a fish.

There's a pretty good thread going on here http://blogs.foxsports.com/crookdnose/2005/12/13/
Greatest_Sports_Debate_Ever about what is a sport (and whether or not Peter Rose should be in the Hall of Fame). I'm posting my response here, because a) I'd like to keep the conversation going, and b) I'm solipsistic (which is an attempt to appease this blog: http://blogs.foxsports.com/socalsportsfan/2005/12
/13/So_You_Think_You_Can_Be_A_Sports_Writer).<
/p>

I define what a sport is by the following criteria:
1) It requires physical and mental preparation and activity. In other words, if you don't need to practice, or you don't exert any effort, it's not a sport.

2) There must be an objective, measureable goal with an obtainable, measurable result.

3) There must be equal competition with other players.

By my standards, Poker, NASCAR, horse racing, curling and foosball are, indeed sports. That some are more demanding physically or mentally is neither here nor there.

Also by my standards, figure skating, gymnastics that weird support with the ribbon on a string, competitive cheerleading--none of these are sports, because they are all judges subjectively. Who the winner is is purely based on opinion. And surprise! These are the sports that are always corrupted and debated.

My standards also explain, quite well I think, why I hate the BCS, and College Bowl system in general: it is staking something that is measurable and clearly defined, and applying it to a subjective measurement for deciding a winner. That's ridiculous. Let the teams settle it on the field.

The final stretch of fantasy football. Last chance to make the playoffs.

I love this time of year, for one main reason -- I've usually already qualified, and I can enjoy a Sunday or two rooting for just my team.

But most everyone is probably desperate for some help, because they aren't locked in the playoffs...yet. They need help. And that's where I come in.

For those of you new to my rankings, I don't focus on info you can get on any other fantasy site ("Peyton Manning is a good player to have on your team!"). I recommend deep, deep sleepers -- narcoleptics -- for those players that need help and aren't afraid to make a risky play. I also try to focus on players that may actaully be available in your league. I also recommend defenses, which ARE important.

Let's review last week's picks:

Donald Lee, TE. I busted out on this one.

David Carr, QB. Nailed this one! You probably won had you played him.

Mike Alstott, RB. He was the Bucs only score, so that's a win.

Antawaan Randle-El, WR. Big Ben played, making this recommendation moot.

DEFENSIVE PLAYS

Vikings. Scored some points

Chiefs. Nailed it

Raiders. Who knew the Phins would show up?

Saints...Or the Jets?

DEFENSIVE DON'T PLAYS

Titans. Got this one right

Cowboys. And this one

Steelers. And this one.

7 for 11 ain't bad...

On to this week's picks:

Week 13 Narcoleptic Picks

Jeff Garcia, QB. Look for Detroit to have a good game, using Kevin Jones to set up the pass. Teams usually do well the first time out with the interim coach, then tank.

Mike Alstott, RB. Stickin' with him. The Saints D isn't as bad as their record indicates, but they can get pushed around.

Lee Evans, WR. OK, he might not be available, but if anyone in your league has had him more than a week, they're probably not doing so great. The Miami DBs are susceptible to small, fast WRs. Evans fits the bill (no pun intended).

Desmond Clark, TE. Clark faces another under-rated D (Green Bay), that's going to focus on the run and Muhsin. Look for Clark to put up Chi-town's only points.

DEFENSIVE PLAYS

Packers See the Clark note. The Packers D is better than you think, and face a really bad Offense. Points to be scored!

Texans. Houston's D is bad, yes, but they face the Ravens. This is a gut-call; the Texans D is due at some point.

DEFENSIVE DON'T PLAYS

Colts. Tennessee can throw, and they're going to need to. This unit is just getting into too many shootouts.

Cowboys. Oh, I hate this matchup with the Giants. I just see Plaxico and Tiki and Eli (oh my!) going NUTS on this D that is now very, very soft over the middle.

Lions. This is a bit of a no-brainer, but the Vikes are surging, making this a particularly bad time for the Lions D.  They're going to play hard, but I see lots of Offense in this one.

Good luck with your games this week!

College football is wonderful, because it's always changing. Classic teams fall on their face, then return to glory (USC, Notre Dame). Others have their moment in the sun, and keep them going for years (Virginia Tech, Arizona). New teams are always on the rise (Boise St., Fresno St., South Florida).

And now it's time for my Seminoles to *gulp* suck the big McGuapo.

This year's Seminoles -- which are worse than last year's, and were worse than the year before's -- are justy plain awful. First three game losing streak since 80-81. Odds are extremely good for loss #4 in a row, and if the scuttlebutt on the street of Bowden-Spurrier in the Peach Bowl is accurate, loss #5 in a row -- and a 7-6 record -- won't be too far behind.

So why, lord, why is this happening?

That's an easy answer -- and approipriate, given the current political climate: nepotism.

Jeff Bowden is the reason the Seminoles stink. The offense is horrible. The line is atrocious. The receivers can't catch. The QB's make bad decisions. The blocking schemes are a mess. And the playcalling is as predictable as an episode of Yes,Dear.

If Bobby Bowden is the Don of College Football -- and he is, assuming he can hold off JoePa's Sallazzo -- then clearly, rules violator Terry is Sonny, and do-gooder Tommy is Michael. And Jeff is Fredo, the son who's ineptitude leaves his aging father open to attack from Sallazzo.

Jeff Bowden has destroyed this team. Now, I'm not saying there's nothing else wrong with this team. Defensively they make mistakes in Cover 2 and their tackling sometimes borders on horrendous, the team loses heart and seems incapabale of playing from behind, and it'd sure be nice to see a scholar athelete of eight in the starting lineups. But let's not mince words -- with a real Offensive Coordinator, those are all minor problems that might trip up a championship team.

With Fredo Bowden, though, this team is a disaster.

Whatssamatta, Fredo, didn't you get to page three of the playbook? You know, the pages that have plays other than run left, run right and throw deep? Did you ever think that choosing one horse (Rix, Weatherford) and sticking to it, expecting a different result, might be a tad -- I dunno -- insane? Do you really think that after destroying the possible recruiting for this school, that you are still the best man qualified for the job?

There's so much riding on the next two seasons, a change must be made.

For your father's legacy, and the good of the school, you should resign after such an awful campaign. And if you don't, someone should symbollically take you fishing in the fountain in front of Westcott, if you know what I mean.

It's time for this week's Fantasy Football tips and hints. But unlike most mainstream sites that spend the majority of their time telling you the obvious (Start Shaun Alexander!), I'm going to focus on sleeper picks that are so deep, their Narcoleptic. So here's information you can probably really use:

Narcoleptic Picks, Week 12

Donald Lee, TE. Favre needs to throw to someone, and he's been locking in to Lee lately. Given Ferguson's slow recovery,a nd the double teams Driver is facing, Lee has quickly become Favre's emergency outlet. If you believed in Bubba Franks, Lee is your man this week.

David Carr, QB. He's facing the Rams D at home. The Rams D is terrible against the run, even worse against the pass. Houston's not going to win, but Carr should be in a shoot-out. Play him if you need a QB (McNabb owners, I'm looking in your direction).

Mike Alstott, RB. The Bucs are playing the very tough -- and very real -- Chicago Bears. Odds are the only offense is going to come from the Bucs only real offensive smashmouth.

Antawaan Randle-El, WR. So, here's why I think Randle-El is a good play--duality. He's going to start as a WR, and probably not do much--maybe 20 yards. But I think he'll quickly take over as the QB, and then will make something happen. Here's your chance to have 2 QBs on your team, and be the guy who pulled it off. If you need help at WR, take this risk.

And the Defensive plays/no plays:

PLAY

Vikings. This unit has been getting much better; they know their offensive can only win if the D and ST keeps them in the game. They are fast and opportunistic, and face the Browns. Start with confidence.

Chiefs. The Pats are not themselves, and the Chiefs are going to be fighting for their playoff lives. The Chiefs should dominate.

Raiders. I'm a Miami fan, and I'd be playing whatever Defense is facing Miami right now...

Saints...unless I can find the Defense playing the Jets. the Saints are weird--when they're off, they're terrible, but when they're on, they put up points. Look for the Saints D to dominate the QB-less Jets (seriously, the Jets called ME in for a try out the other day).

DON'T PLAY

Titans. Yes, they get the 49ers, but the 49ers are wacky, and have been trending towards offensive explosions. This is going to be one of those 34-28 games, with the defenses looking terrible all around.

Cowboys. They are a solid D, but the Broncos are for real, and will keep them on their heels. It's not worth the risk, if you can play one of the Defenses above (which I'm betting you can).

Steelers. At Indy. On Monday night. Duh.

Good luck, and let me know how my recommendations do for you!

Beckett and Lowell to the Red Sox for some decent prospects.

I hate this trade.

Not because I'm upset at losing the star power of Beckett. No, he's the only pitcher in the majors that needs a thimble to play.

Not because of losing Lowell's leadership. No, his leadership ended the moment the fish beat the Yanks in the World Series.

I hate this trade for one reason, and one reason only: my very expensive, authentic Josh Beckett World Series Marlins jersey is now obsolete.

This is the very dark side of free agency, parity and the salary cap: quickly out-dated merchandise.

Living in LA, I really only got to wear the thing to games, like, twice. Sure, it got lots of use on casual Fridays, but not as much as I would have liked. And if I decide to wear it now, I'll look like the world's biggest dork. Not that I didn't look like a dork in it before -- believe me, I did -- but now, I'll be the biggest dork, because the jersey is out of date.

My jersey now also becomes a paradox of fandom: it's for a team I love, but features a player I must now despise. It's more confusing than time-travel, and I'm fairly sure that were I to wear it at a Marlins-Red Sox game, time would collapse on itself and the earth would get sucked into a black hole. Or something like that.

So now, I cannot ever wear the jersey again, for fear of destroying the universe. Or looking like the dork in the Seau jersey at Chargers games.

It wouldn't be so bad had Beckett just retired--you can always wear a jersey of a player who played on one team then went away without looking like a dork. Like my Dan Marino jersey, or a Natrone Means Chargers jersey, or a Jordan Bulls jersey (the Wizards years are erased from my memory). My coworkers contend you can still wear a Shaq Lakers jersey, because he's such a big star. But those are about the only exceptions.

So my formerly beloved Josh Beckett authentic World Series Jersey must now be banned to the back of the closet, next to my Vanbiesbrouck Panthers jersey, my Glen Rice Heat jersey, and my once-banished-but-now-back-but-probably-will-be-ba
nished-again Ricky Williams Dolphins jersey, and I swear never to buy another authentic jersey with a player name on it.

Except for my Shaq Heat jersey, which I want for the holidays.

If you play Fantasy Football, you've probably had an experience similar to this:

It's Tuesday afternoon. Two of your wideouts are on byes, one is injured, and the last one you've been wanting to drop for weeks. Who to pick up? So you go to your league's website lookign for help and they tell you...Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne are good plays this week. So you go to another site, where you find...Steve Smith is a recommended wideout. You check another and read...Torry Holt is worht starting. And so on.  And so on.

And some of these people are getting paid to do this???

Well, this blog won't tell you obvious things (like "Start LaDanian Tomlinson!!!" or "Don't play McNabb!"). No, I'll try to get into real issues you actually face, like who to start - Mike Anderson or Tatum Bell? (you did handcuff them, didn't you? And the answer is now obvious -- Anderson, in case you missed it).

So check back here, and I'll be sticking to tough decisions, real hidden players, and the most unappreciated category in fantasy football: Team Defenses.