While we enjoy the Madness, let’s take a moment to reflect on the greatest college basketball team of all time. Let’s take a moment to reflect on the best college basketball team I’ve ever seen. The best college basketball team there’s ever been. Better than Mean Joe Greene. Let’s take a moment to reflect on the 1990 UNLV Running Rebels:
Josh Q. Public:The cowboys cry. Ki-yip-pie-yi. Deep in the heart of Texas. -George Strait
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Three big games in Texas. Three big playoff contenders in Texas. Three big wins in Texas. Big Three wins in Texas. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The Celtics massacred the World Champeen Spurs. The Celtics massacred the red hot Rockets. And last night, the Celtics massacred the Dallas Mavericks. What a game, what a game! Down to the Wire. Omar Little style. Omar: “I’ll do what I can to help y’all. But, the game’s out there, and it’s play or get played. That simple.” The Celtics did the playing last night. Put on a displaying last night. Won going awaying last night. That simple. It was anyone’s game to win. Ultimately, it was Sugar Ray Allen’s game to win. Threecola! No soup for you! No soup for anyone. After this Texas Three Step, the Boston Celtics are, without a doubt, the favorites to win the NBA Championship. You can King James me. You can Kobe Bean me. Heck, you can even try to San Antonio Spurs me. I ain’t biting. The Celtics just beat the defending champs. The Celtics just stopped the second longest winning streak in NBA history. The Celtics just shut down the offensive juggernaut Mavs. The Celtics just shut down the offensive sluggernaut Mavs. The Celtics just shut down the offensive punch you in the muggernaut Mavs. The Boston Celtics are the best team in the free world. Like Neil Young, they keep on rockin’ in the free world. Rockin’ with defense. Tracy McGrady called them the best defense he’s ever seen in his eleven years in the NBA. The best defense there’s ever been in his eleven years in the NBA. The best defense since James Dean in his eleven years in the NBA. This is a team that last year went on stretches playing worse defense than Michael Redd. Worse defense than Antawn Jamison. Worse defense than Troy Hudson. This year, the Celtics are ranked number one in the National Basketball Association in points allowed. This year, the Celtics are ranked number one in the National Basketball Association in opponents field goal percentage. This year, the Celtics are ranked number one in the National Basketball Association in opponents three-point field goal percentage. This year, the Celtics are ranked number one in the National Basketball Association in point differential. What does it take to be number one? Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers. What does it take to be number one? Tom Thibodeau. That’s what. Tom Thibedeau, Celtics assistant coach. Tom Thibedeau, defensive guru. Defensive maharishi. Defensive swami. In his seventeen seasons as an assistant, Thibodeau has helped his teams finish in the NBA’s top ten in team defense fourteen times. Yowza! He helped the Rockets rank in the top five in the NBA in scoring defense and field goal percentage defense in all four years he was with the team. Holy cow! In his first year with Houston, Thibodeau helped the Rockets set franchise records in scoring defense and field goal percentage defense. Whoa Nelly! During his tenure with the Knicks, New York set a then-NBA record by holding thirty-three consecutive opponents under 100 points in the 2000-01 season. How about that! Now, the Celtics under Thibodeau, are suddenly playing defense. Suddenly Susan. Like that boy from INXS, they are playing suffocating defense. Smothering defense. Asphyxiating defense. They are cutting off the penetration. They are contesting every shot. They are trapping in the corners. They are crashing the boards. Rebounding, helping, switching, basically everything that you expect your team to do on defense. Crushing opponents on a nightly basis. Crushing opponents in a town near you. Is New Orleans a town near you? They got next. Lucky them.
Josh Q. Public: The stars at night, are big and bright. Deep in the heart of Texas. -June Hershey
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! OK, do you believe now? If not now, when? The Boston Celtics have the best record in basketball. The Boston Celtics just snatched a 22-point deficit out of the jaws of the Heavyweight Champeens of the World. Snatched a 22-point deficit out of the jaws of the Heavyweight Champeens of the World with an inspired performance by Paul Pierce. The Truth. The Truth is, he’s the most underrated player in the world, and nobody can tell me different. Nobody. Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. It’s the Truth. He willed the Celtics to victory. Willed the Celtics to victory sparking a fourth-quarter rally. And you saw the dunk. With authority! Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk! That nasty dunk gave the Celtics their first lead of the game. The Spurs kept it interesting. Champeens of the World will do that. Kept it interesting until…And I will eat them in the rain. And in the dark. And on a train. Sam I Am! Release. Rotation. Splash. That’s why he’s here. To take that shot. The shot for three, and it’s G double-O D. Ballgame! Isn’t that enough? You need more? More proof. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. The Celtics are on fire. Have been all season. But if you need more. More proof. This stretch right here will give it to you. The Celtics beat the Spurs last night. Beat the Spurs in the first game of a brutal four-game stretch. Stretch Armstrong. Stretch Cunningham. The Celtics play Houston tonight. The Celtics play Dallas Thursday. The Celtics play New Orleans Saturday. When all is said and done, the Celtics will be only the second team in NBA history to play four straight games, all on the road against teams that are at least 20 games over .500. That’s a tough stretch. But while everybody’s yipping about how good the West is. While everybody’s yapping about how much better the West is. While everybody’s yipping and yapping how so far superior the West is, the Celtics will be balling. Basketballing. It starts again tonight. It starts again tonight against the Houston Rockets. The red hot Rockets. The Celtics are 13-2 in the second half of back-to-back games. The Celtics have won twelve of their last thirteen overall. The Celtics already have more victories than they’ve had in any season since 1990-91. The buck stops here.
Quote of the Night: “The green machine is coming, baby.” -Sam Cassell
Public Acknowledgements: Superman, Marv Albert, Craig Kilborn, Dr. Seuss, Karl Ravech, Rock Master Scott & the Dynamic Three, and All in the Family
Josh Q. Public:All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. -Galileo
Public Service Announcement: Here it comes! Here comes the Madness. March Madness. And look at me. Look at me without a team. Me, without a horse in this race. Blue Moon. You saw me standing alone. Without a dream in my heart. Without a love of my own. So sad. I need me a bandwagon. Like my main man Dan Rice. #### tastes def when you pour it on ice. Come on y’all it’s time to get nice. I gotta get nice. But with who? Gotta have a shot to win it all. I love Davidson. I love Stephen Curry. But they don’t have a shot at the big enchilada. Neither does Drake. Can’t be too good either. Can’t be that juggernaut Memphis. That sluggernaut, Memphis. That punch you in your muggernaut, Memphis. Not UCLA. Not the Big Bad Bruins. Not them. No, someone a little more subtle. Not too subtle. I like my jelly to jiggle if I’m not being too subtle. I’m going with Xavier. The Xavier Musketeers. All for one and one for all. Their jelly jiggles. Jiggle it just a little bit. I wanna see you jiggle it just a little bit. As it grooves. Their jelly just jiggled itself en route to its best season in school history. Their jelly just jiggled itself enroute to its third straight 20-win season and third consecutive NCAA tournament bid. I like these guys. I like these guys because they play defense. Defense wins championships. I like their seniors. I like Drew Lavender. I like Josh Duncan. I like Stanley Burrell. I like them to redeem themselves. To redeem themselves for the Temple loss this year. To redeem themselves for the most heartbreaking loss in school history one year ago. One year ago when the Musketeers couldn’t close out Ohio State in the second round. Like Marvin Hagler couldn’t close out Sugar Ray in the ninth. One year ago when Justin Cage missed the second of his two free throws in the closing seconds of regulation. One year ago when the Buckeyes made a threecola at the buzzer, then went on to win 78-71 in overtime. This team can do that. They can redeem themselves. They can do it in this here tournmaent. Six of Xavier’s wins came against NCAA Tournament teams. Five of them out of conference. While a nation is rooting for the Georgia Bulldogs, I’ll be rooting for the other guys. I’ll be rooting for Xavier.
Public Acknowledgements: Mel Torme, Beastie Boys, Bringing Down the House and 2 In A Room
Josh Q. Public:I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it’s cold outside, I’ve got the month of May. -The Temptations
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! The Phoenix Suns. Sun-sational. Sun-stoppable. Sun-believable. I know, I know. Let’s not carried away. Carry on my wayward son. There’ll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don’t you cry no more. Even if it was the lowly Griz, Suns fans can stop their sobbing. At least for a little while. The Grizhave all that ails ya. The Suns scored 132 points against the Grizzlies. 617 points in their last five games against the Grizzlies. The most points by one team against another over a five-game span since these said same Suns had 618 over five games against the WizardsBullets from 1993 to 1995. Memphis is terrible. Abominable. Deplorable. De####able. Memphis has lost fifteen consecutive road games. The Suns can’t worry about that. I don’t care what they say about us anyway. I don’t care ’bout that. They can’t. They got business to take care of. Growed folks business. Post-season business. The Suns remain in sixth place in the West. The Suns have won consecutive games for the first time since early February. The Suns are doing it with defense. Knock ‘em down, roll ‘em around, c’mon defense work! Work! The Suns have been working it on defense. Not shirking it on defense. The biggest knock on the Shaq trade was losing the Matrix‘ on other end of the floor. They discounted his perimeter defense. They discounted his ability to guard the point. They discounted the numbers made by the mismatches he created. It appears they’re finally figuring out life without Marion. The Suns have finally put two games of good defense together. Together, forever, that’s how it will be. The Suns held San Antonio to 34.9 percent shooting Sunday. The Suns limited Memphis to 41.7 percent shooting last night. Larger than Jim Backus, it’s the Cactus. The Big Cactus took only one shot in 16:36 of playing time last night. It’s the first time in his career that Shaq has played more than two minutes without taking at least two shots. How about that? How about this? Shaq may have only taken one shot last night, that’s fine. He still had fitty cent. He still had three big blocks. Mike D’Antoni: “He controlled the whole game.” He did, he really did. And his boy, Amare Stoudemire, was just a beast. Twenty-nine points and thirteen boards in thirty minutes. Yowza! Stoudemire: “We’re just scratching the surface of how good we can be.” I second that emotion. Be afraid Lakers fans. Be afraid Spurs fans. Be afraid Jazz fans. Be afraid Hornets fans. Be afraid Rockets fans. Be very, very afraid.
Public Acknowledgements: Kansas, Weezer, Dionne Warwick, Third Bass, The Miracles, Peter Vecsey and AZ Central
Josh Q. Public:Struck me kinda funny, seemed kinda funny sir to me. At the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe. Bruce Springsteen
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Woooo doggy! Larry Bird is not walking through that door, fans. Kevin McHale is not walking through that door, and Robert Parish is not walking through that door. They don’t need to. It’s the new style. Four and three and two and one. When I’m on the mic, the suckers run. Suckers are running. The Boston Celtics just put the entire basketball world on notice. The Boston Celtics just sent the entire basketball world a message. Oh the lonely days are gone. I’m coming home. My baby, she wrote me a letter. Yes, the lonely days are gone. The Celtics wrote a letter. The letter said, “I’m Godzilla. You are Japan!” What? You thought this was a fluke? Thought they’ve been lucky? Thought this was an accident? Thought you said are you all right, Spider. Think again. The Celtics’ position atop the NBA, contrary to popular opinion, has not been a result of a soft first half schedule. The Celtics’ position atop the NBA, contrary to popular opinion, has not been a result of a soft Eastern Conference. The Celtics’ position atop the NBA, contrary to popular opinion, has been a result of one thing and one thing only. They’re good. Real good. Last night, the Boston Celtics clinched a playoff spot by smashing everybody’s pet pick in the East. Smashed the Beasts of the East. Smashed them real good like. The Big Ticket smashed them. He didn’t fill it up for fifty while jawing with Spike Lee against the joke of the league. He did the right thing. He put on his hard hat and went to work. Put on his hard hat and scored thirty-one. He put on his hard hat and played defense. Tough defense. Rough defense. Dare I say it? Tenacious defense. The Celtics played team basketball. Five players on the floor functioning as one single unit: team, team, team. No one more important that the other. The Truth had fifteen, nailing the three-point dagger, threecola! Larry Bird style. Rajon Rondo contributed sixteen, including a thunderous, posterizing don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk in the mugs of Rip Hamilton and Jason Maxiell. Kendrick Perkins notched ten points and twenty boards. Twenty rebounds! Big Al who? The Celtics never trailed in this game. The Celtics never trailed in this statement sending game. This buckwheats sending game. Buckwheats is a whole other animal. A guy orders a buckwheats hit, it just doesn’t mean take the guy out, it means take the guy out in the most painful way possible. It means the vic should suffer. Typical buckwheat hit is to shoot a guy up the ####. Yeah, uh, ba-bing. A slug up the ####, you don’t die so much as contort for a good fifteen minutes, then you die. I imagine it’s like crappin’ white-hot razor blades. I imagine the Pistons are crappin’ white-hot razor blades right now. Heck, I imagine the whole daggone NBA is crappin’ white-hot razor blades right now. As for the Celtics? They’re sipping boat drinks.
Public Acknowledgements: Jed Clampett, Rick Pitino, Beastie Boys, Box Tops, Things to Do When You’re Dead In Denver, Goodfellas, Hoops World and Coach Norman Dale
Josh Q. Public:Ooooh baby, here I am, signed, sealed delivered, I’m yours. -Stevie Wonder
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! First, I was on the bandwagon. The Sam I Am bandwagon. Then I said Jason Kidd. Would you, could you, in a car? Then I said Brent Barry. Eat them, eat them, here they are. Face it, I say a lot of things. You do not like them, so you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say. Well, I’m back. Back in the New YorkBoston groove. Back in the Sam Cassell groove. Back on the bandwagon. The Sam I Am Bandwagon. What choice do I have? He’s part of the green now. Part of the team now. Part of the Celtics mystique. Like Scott Wedman was part of the Celtics mystique. Like ML Carr was part of the Celtics mystique. Like Bill Walton was part of the Celtics mystique. I take that back. Nobody’s like Bill Walton. Like Quinn Buckner was part of the Celtics mystique. Like Jim Paxon was part of the Celtics mystique. When you start getting those guys, guys like that there, when you start getting those guys, you’re in it. In it to win it. And that’s a feeling us Celtics fans haven’t had for a while. A long while. From White Castle to the Nile. Now I like nothing better than a pretty girl smile, and I haven’t seen a smile that pretty in a while. We’re smiling again all right. We’re in it all right. In it to win it all right. And now, Sam I Am is in it too. Like he was in it with the Dunbar Poets his freshman year. Sure having Muggsy Bogues, Reggie Williams, David Wingate and the late great Reggie Lewis helps. Like he was in it with the Houston Rockets. With the Houston to the tune of two NBA Championships. Like he was in it with the Milwaukee Bucks to the tune of the Eastern Conference Finals. Like he was in it with the Minnesota Timberwolves to the tune of the Western Conference Finals. For the first time in that franchise’s history. Now, he’s in it with the Boston Celtics. This summer, son! Fan-tastic! I love this game! The NBA, where Green Eggs and Ham happens!
Cassell is expected to wear No. 28, which has been worn by seven Celtics, including Quinn Buckner, Wayne Embry, and Tony Delk.
Red Auerbach on the Celtics mystique: “Paul Silas had been in the league for about eight or nine years, and we got him in a trade. And after about four months in Boston, he came over to me and he says, ‘You know, I’d like to say something to you, Coach.’ I said, ‘What’s that?’ He said, ‘When I was in Phoenix, I always felt that the Celtic mystique and pride was a bunch of ####.’ He said, ‘I want you to know that it’s the greatest thing I ever saw, and I want you to know that I’m happy to be a part of it.’ That gave me a great, great thrill.”
Public Acknowledgements: Dr. Seuss, Kiss, and the Beastie Boys
Public Spectacle: Like my main man Jon Stewart, here’s your moment of Zen:
Josh Q. Public: Start the car, I know a whoopee spot where the gin is cold, but the piano’s hot. It’s just a noisy hall where there’s a nightly brawl. And all… that… Jazz! -Chicago
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Charles Barkley likes them. The Round Mound of Rebound. So do I. What’s not to like? This team is hot. Hot to trot. Rosalie Totzie style. Up your nose with a rubber hose. The Jazz have won two in a row and twelve of their last thirteen prior to the All-Star break. They won again last night. They won again shooting over fifty percent from the floor. Shot over fifty percent from the floor for the twenty-fifth time this season. That’s the most fifty-percent-and-higher games by any NBA team. Any NBA team. That’s hot. Droppin’ it like it’s hot. So bring your friends, all of y’all come inside. We got a world premiere right here, now get live! The Jazz got live last night all right. Got live playing at breakneck speed. Playing at breakneck speed to score 77 in the first half. Playing at breakneck speed in the first half going 68.2 percent from the floor . Showing Golden State the door. Declaring all out war. Declared all out war on the Golden State Warriors and just blew them out of the gym. Blew the Golden State Warriors out of the gym for the Jazz’ 13th consecutive win at EnergySolutions Arena. Their longest home winning streak since the 1996-97 season. The Karl Malone Utah Jazz. The John Stockton Utah Jazz. The Jeff Hornacek Utah Jazz. The Byron Russell Utah Jazz. The Antoine Carr Utah Jazz. The Greg Ostertag Utah Jazz. The NBA Finals Utah Jazz. Coincidence? I think not. I think this here Jazz team has a good a shot as any to make this year’s NBA Finals. Deron Williams is one of the game’s best point guards. Jerry Sloan is the longest tenured head coach in basketball and has been to two NBA Finals. Carlos Boozer is a double-double machine. Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Double, double, toil and trouble. Something wicked this way comes. Throw in Mehmet Okur. Throw in AK47. Throw in Ronnie Brewer. Throw in those guys and you have a team that competes night after night. Fight after fight. People talk about the Pistons’ starting five, how ’bout this starting five? As good as any in the NBA. Outhustling folks. Outshooting folks. Outplaying folks. Outhistling, outshooting and outplaying their way straight to the NBA Finals.
Public Acknowledgements: PTI, Welcome Back Kotter, Snoop Dogg, Salt Lake Tribune, Mueze Bawany, William Shakespeare and the San Francisco Chronicle
Josh Q. Public: Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief. So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay. -Robert Frost
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! First thing’s first. Let’s get this straight. I love the Big Aristotle. Shaq Daddy. Superman. Shaq Diesel. Wilt Chamberneezy. Shaq Fu. The Big Baryshnikov. The Showman of the Big Men. Dr. Shaq. The Real Deal. I love Shaquille O’Neal. I love him, but it’s over. Havlicek steals it! Over to Sam Jones! Havlicek stole the ball! It’s over! It’s all over! O’Neal will undergo an MRI to determine if the severity of his lingering hip injury has changed. Whatever the results, it’s time for the big fella to hang up those size twenty-threes. For a generation, Shaquille O’Neal has been the best center in basketball. One of the most dominant big men in history. Most bombinant big man in history. A beast in the low post. Having a feast in the low post. The high priest in the low post. However, the Shaquille O’Neal of today is not the same Shaq of yesterday. Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday. The Shaquille O’Neal of today is not the same Shaq that ripped down rims. The Shaquille O’Neal of today is not the same Shaq that tore down backboards. The Shaquille O’Neal of today is not the same Shaq that led the Los Angeles Lakers to three championships. The Shaquille O’Neal of today is not even the same Shaq that led Miami to another one. Maybe I’m selfish. Selfish like a shellfish. But I want to see Shaq Daddy go out in a blaze of glory. My my, hey hey. It’s better to burn out than to fade away. My my, hey hey. I want to remember Shaq as the three time NBA Finals MVP. I want to remember Shaq as the NBA scoring champ. I want to remember Shaq as coming up just one vote short of becoming the first unanimous MVP in the NBA. I want to remember that drop step. The Black Tornado. I want to remember that little righty hook. I don’t want to see Half-a-Shaq. I don’t want to see Guy LaFleur toiling for the Nordiques and Rangers. I don’t want to see Michael with the Wizards.Say Hey with the Mets. Hakeem Olajuwan in a Toronto Raptors uniform. I understand why sports stars even twenty years ago stayed in the game too long. Salaries weren’t anywhere near where they are today. Shaq has duckets. Buckets of duckets. Get out now Shaq. Get out while you still can. Get out while the getting’s good. You will be missed, and that’s a good thing.
Public Acknowledgements: Johnny Most, Beatles and Neil Young
Josh Q. Public:I’ll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got. -Raising Arizona
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! What a game, what a game! It might feel good. It might sound a lil’ somethin’. But damn the game if it don’t mean nuttin.’ This game meant somethin.’ It meant a lot. It meant bragging rights. Bragging rights to the best team in the league. Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet. Until the Finals that is. And you can bet your bippy one of these two teams will be there. Be there in ye ole town square. Be there like a big old grizzly bear. I’ll be there with a love that’s strong. I’ll be your strength. I’ll keep holding on. One of these two will be there to reestablish dominance. To take back what is rightfully theirs. And if Glen Big Baby Davis has anything to say about it, that team will be the Boston Celtics. While folks were watching Wild Card Weekend, I was watching good old-fashioned basketball. Eddie Shore basketball. NBA Basketball. Where amazing happens. Fan-tastic! I was watching the Boston Celtics hand the Deetroit Pistons their first loss in twelve games. I was watching the Boston Celtics take their own ninth straight. I was watching Big Baby break out of his diapers. Awwww, you broke your cherry! Sugar Ray Allen didn’t have it. The Big Ticket was in big foul trouble. But there’s no need to fear, Big Baby is here. Big Baby led all scorers with twenty points. Twenty big points. Including sixteen big points in the big fourth quarter. KG double-teamed. Underneath to Big baby. The Truth mobbed driving the lane. Underneath to Big Baby. Again and again. There’s Big Baby crashing the offensive boards. There’s Big Baby converting three point opportunities. There’s Big Baby playing like he’s back at the Pistol Pete Assembly Center. But this wasn’t La Tech he was up against. Not Ole Miss. This was the Deetroit Pistons. The Bad Boys. Rasheed Wallace. Forcing Rasheed Wallace to settle for jump shots. Owning Rasheed Wallace on the offensive glass. The big question at the beginning of the season was the Celtics bench. It looks like the big answer is the Big Baby. Roll Celtics, Roll!
Not for nothing, the Boston Celtics are the Chris and Snoop (the Wire) of the NBA. Before you know it, you're dead in a vacant. Just like that.
Public Acknowledgements: Public Enemy, Peter May, Rudyard Kipling, Diana Ross, Slapshot, Goodfellas and Underdog
Josh Q. Public:The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time. -Abraham Lincoln
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! You say they haven’t played anybody yet. You say they’re beating up the sisters of the poor. You say they’re not as good as their record. Well here we are. Put up or shut up time. Tonight’s the night. Tonight’s the night we’re gonna make it happen. Tonight we’ll put all other things aside. Tonight the Boston Celtics play the Deetroit Pistons. And I can’t wait. Like my main man Jack London always says: “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” The number one team in the East has to go after the number two team in the East with a club. Make no mistake, this is a test. A real test. For the next forty-eight minutes this team will conduct a test of the National Basketball Association. The Deetroit Pistons have won 50 or more games in six straight seasons. The Deetroit Pistons have made five straight trips to the conference finals. The Deetroit Pistons may just have the best starting five in the league. A win tonight would give the Celtics the best start in franchise history and the third-best in NBA history. Yes, sports fans, tonight’s the night. It’s gonna be all right. Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now. Not in our house. Not in the middle of the street. Not in our castle and our keep. Not where the Celtics are undefeated. But tonight is just the beginning. Tonight is just the start. Tonight starts a stretch in which the Celtics play seven of ten games against teams that can be called contenders. You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am. Which is what they were. The times they are a changing. So, it will be Deetroit. It will be Thunder Dwight Howard and the Magic. Thunder, putting up thirty-point, fifteen-rebound games seemingly every night. Then the C’s hit the road. Hit the road Jack and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. On the road they will face the Utah Jazz. Then they will face the reborn Lakers. Forcing themselves into the Western Conference elite. They will face Yao and the Rockets. Then its drizzle, drazzle, dradle, drone. Time for this one to come home. Time to come back home for another match-up with the Deetroit Pistons. Then we’ll see what’s what. Then we’ll see where this team stands. This is make or break time. This is the stuff legends are made. The time is here. The time is now!
Public Acknowledgements: Pointer Sisters, Emergency Broadcast System, Rod Stewart, Madness, On the Waterfront, Bob Dylan, Tooter the Turtle and Ray Charles
Josh Q. Public:Guess who’s back? Back again. Shady’s back. Tell a friend. -Eminem
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! And you thought the Patriots were good. There’s nothing I like more than a good old fashioned home court smackdown. A good old fashioned break your backdown. A good old fashioned fade to blackdown. That’s what the Celtics dished out to the Denver Nuggets last night. And that’s a fact Jackdown. I’m sorry I’m so excited. I’m sorry I just can’t hide it. I’m sorry I’m about to lose control and I think I like it. It’s just that it’s been a while. It’s been a while since I’ve heard things like: Bobby Jones is gonna put the ball into play and the pass hits the top of the backboard and it’s over! They won three in a row, they came from 3-1 down and they have won the series!!! It’s all over!!! Or: And it goes quickly now into Magic, back over to Worthy and it’s picked off. Off to Henderson and he lays it up and in. It’s all tied up. That’s a nice play by Henderson. Or: Now there’s a steal by Bird! Underneath to DJ who lays it in!!…Right at one second left!! What a play by Bird! Bird stole the inbounding pass, laid it up to DJ, and DJ laid it up and in, and Boston has a one-point lead with one second left! OH, MY, THIS PLACE IS GOING CRAZY!!! Yes it’s been a while. It’s been a while since I could hold my head up high. And it’s been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again. Well, I can stand on my own two feet now. Back in the saddle again now. The Celtics are still undefeated now. I know, I know. It’s early. It’s only three games in. But still. My God! Did you see it? Did you believe it? The Celtics had seventy-seven points by halftime. By halftime! Only eight points shy of tying the franchise record for points in a first half. A record set when another Big Three roamed the planet. Boston was up as many as forty-one points twice in the third quarter. What? Is Belichick coaching this team? No, just Doc Rivers. Not plane, nor bird, nor even frog, it’s just little old me, Underdog. Just little old him, Doc Rivers. Doc Rivers, like Lou Gherig, the luckiest man on the face of the earth. With Doc Rivers at the helm, the Cs shot 71.2 percent through three quarters. Doc: “We played well, but I’m telling you guys, we’re better than that.” If they’re better than that, the rest of the NBA is in for a long season. The Celtics get the rock to the right guy at the right time all night long. Let it roll, baby, roll. Let it roll, all night long. The Celtics simply own the glass. Who owns da Chiefs? Owns. They protect the rim. They swarm to the ball. This a team to be reckoned with I reckon. Ridin’ the range once more. Totin’ my old .44. Where you sleep out every night. And the only law is right. Back in the saddle again.
Public Acknowledgements: Pointer Sisters, Johnny Most, Staind, the Doors, Slapshot and Gene Autry
Josh Q. Public:I like Slam dunks take me to the hoop. My favorite play is the alley oop. I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go. Cause it’s basketball, uh, Mister Kurtis Blow. -Kurtis Blow
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! NBA action. NBA satisfaction. NBA coming attractions. It’s finally here. Yes fans, the NBA season is upon us. Like my main man the Big Fundamental always says: “Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.” Who’s good? Whos’s better? Who’s best? Answers to those questions and many more coming up in this edition of the NBA Awards Show.
Eng and Chang Cup: Eng and Chang, the most famous conjoined twins of all time. Jerry Buss and Kobe . I’m stuck on Band-Aid, ’cause Band-Aid’s stuck on me! The question on everyone’s mind these is days is where will Kobe end up? Probably in hell, but that is much further on down the line. For now, much to his and Dr. Buss’ dismay, he stays a Laker. Know this: The Lakers ownership has always conducted business with two objectives in mind. 1) They must contend for a championship. 2) They must earn that almighty entertainment dollar. I’ve got a pocket full of pretty green. I’m gonna put it in the fruit machine. I’m gonna put it in the juke box. It’s gonna play all the records in the hit parade. Buss may be able live with one and not the other for a short while. But no how, no way does he live without either. No how, no way. The Lakers can’t win a championship. No how, no way. No trade they make for Kobe changes that. So that brings us back to number two. The pretty green. Who can the Lakers get back for Kobe that will allow Dr. Buss to play all the records in the hit parade. Nobody. That’s who. Not Madison Square Gordon. Not Josh Howard. So, Kobe stays. Kobe pouts. Kobe complains. Kobe fills it up. Both the basket and the stadium.
The Jesus Christ Grail: Redeemer. Savior. Deliverer. Struck me kinda funny. Seems kinda funny sir to me. At the end of every hard earned day people find some reason to believe. Kevin Durant gives the good people of Seattle a reason to believe. How good is he? Really good. Phenomenal. Extraordinary. Fantastic. Yes, I’m high on this this kid. But barring injury, he should take Rookie of the Year. He has a silky smooth jumper. He attacks the rim. He will be all the Sonics asked for and more.
The Jimmy Two Times Award: And then there was Jimmy Two Times, who got that nickname because he said everything twice, like: I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers. The San Antonio Spurs. Repeat baby, repeat. Like Bum Phillips said of Don Shula: “He can take his’n and beat your’n, and he can take your’n and beat his’n.” That’s how I feel about Gregg Popovich. He gets the absolute best out of every player on his team. He has the respect of each and every one of them. At personalities he is the ultimate chemist. Another championship is looming. It also doesn’t hurt when you have the best player in the league on your team.
The Carl Spackler Prize: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac…It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! This year’s Carl Spackler torphy goes to the Memphis Grizzlies. A lifetime of mediocrity. Last year, worse than that. Last year, the worst team in the league. This year? The Grizz. A team barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild them. We have the technology. Better than they were before. Better, stronger, faster. It all starts with a healthy Pau Gasol. Throw in his talented buddy Juan Carlos Navarro, Mike Conley, Jr., second-year guard Kyle Lowry, returning from injuries, and the addition of Darko Milicic and you got yourself a derned good ballclub. Derned good.
Butch Van Breda Kolff Cup: Butch lasted sixteen days as Suns head coach in 1972. Seven games in all. Mike Woodson of the Atlanta Hawks should consider himself lucky if he lasts that long. The Hawks must win now. They must, they must, they must improve their bust. Hot Lanta’s eight-year playoff drought is the NBA’s longest-active streak. Woodson has made some headway with his young roster, but the former Larry Brown flunky has not been able to get the Hawks out of the lottery in his first three seasons. Mike Woodson, you’re on the Budweiser Hot Seat.
The Ronnie Dobbs Memorial Trophy: Ronnie Dobbs. The Most Arrested Man in America. The competition is stiffening already. Just last week, we heard the allegations that Jason Kidd harassed and groped a woman at a Manhattan nightspot. Justin Williams sexually assaulted a woman. Nuggets guard J.R. Smith was issued a summons on charges of assault, disturbing the peace and destruction of private property. But it’s early folks. Really early. My money’s on Stephen Jackson. He just can’t help himself. She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it. If she winks an eye, the bread slice turn to toast. She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it. If she got a lot, of what they call the most. She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it. Brawling at the Palace. Shooting off his nine at Club Rio. Jackson just can’t help it.
Hatfields & McCoys Award: AK47 and Jerry Sloan. Last year the Jazz hardly challenged the Spurs in the playoffs. Put no fear into the heart of men. I blame Andrei. Kirilenko could be heard crying like a little devochka from hear to Izhevsk. It didn’t stop there. This offseason, AK made another stink about not wanting to continue playing for coach Sloan. If the Jazz want to do anything this post-season, Kirilenko must accept his role and start playing like force he was a few years ago. Don’t bet on it.
Twinkle Toes Flintstone Trophy: No not Mark Cuban. Twinkle Toes was a bowler. Chris Paul. He says his bowling scores average between 180 and 190, but he has a high game of 256. He hosts a charity bowling tournament each September in his hometown of Winston-Salem, N.C. One of the league’s top young players, Paul was recently named a spokesman for the U.S. Bowling Congress. Keith Glasgow, watch your back.
Gene Autry Prize: I’m back in the saddle again. Out where a friend is a friend. Where the longhorn cattle feed on the lowly gypsum weed. Back in the saddle again. The Boston Celtics. The Big Ticket. The Truth. Ray Ray. The New Big Three. The PGA Tour. Cover of Sports Illustrated. Cover of ESPN the Magazine. Nineteen Celtics games are scheduled for ESPN, TNT, and NBATV, with more nationally televised contests possible. The Celtics are back baby! And not a moment too soon.
Public Acknowledgements: Dallas Morning News, Winnie the Pooh, The Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Goodfellas, Caddyshack, Six Million Dollar Man, Mr. Show, Little Richard, Ben at Work and the Boston Globe
Josh Q. Public: I got so much trouble on my mind. I refuse to lose. Here’s your ticket. Hear the drummer get wicked. -Public Enemy
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! What’s crack-a-lacking sports fans? The Big Ticket to the Boston Celtics! That’s what! Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face. Brush off the clouds and cheer up, put on a happy face. Yes put on a happy face Celtics’ Nation. The Truth. The Big Ticket. Jesus Shuttleworth. Can you say Hot Lantic Champions? Can you say NBA Eastern Conference Champions? Can you say NBA Champions? I can. And now, so can the Boston Celtics. If this trade finally comes to fruition, the Celtics will be a force to be reckoned with. A force to be wreckin’ with. I wreck shop, now pull your leg I beg your pardon. And rock a wicked rhyme like eighty-six at the Garden. We wreck shop, you know we wreck shop. You know we know we know we wreck shop. The Celtics will be wreckin’ shop all right. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Big Al. I hate to see him go. I really do. Twenty-two years old and nothing but up side. Upside out the backside. But we’re talking KG here. The Big Ticket. We’re talking about winning now. Serenity now! And as they say, a ring in the hand is worth two in the bush. Paul Pierce, the most unsung baller in the league today, finally gets a stud to play alongside with. Ray Ray to boot? Fuhgettaboutit! Last year, before all the injuries, the Celtics were atop the Hot ‘Lantic. This year, with Garnett, they will be atop the NBA. On top of the world looking down on creation. Russell, Cousy and Heinson. Cowens, Havlicek and Jo-Jo. Bird, Mchale and Parrish. Now, Pierce, Allen and Garnett. Sing it with me ####es, follow the bouncing ball: Happy days are here again. The skies above are clear again. So let’s sing a song of cheer again. Happy days are here again!
Public Acknowledgements: Bye Bye Birdie, Run DMC, The Carpenters and Barbara Striesand.
Josh Q. Public:The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shoreline of wonder. ~Ralph W. Sockman
Public Knowledge:
1. The Bombers said they would break from tradition. Going against everything Tevye taught them. They decided they would negotiate during the season with A-Broad. Enter Scott Boras, the proverbial #### wrench. Boras let it be known that Rodriguez assuredly will become Major League Baseball’s first $30 million-a-year player. Yowza! Hey can the Sox afford that? I’m sure they can. Like my man Miracle always says: It feels dirty at first, then you just get used to it.
2. Let him coach! I know. I was lobbying for Oakland to heed to Rickey’s wishes and allow him to finish the year with the A’s. The Mets have done the next best thing. Rickey Henderson is replacing Rick Down as hitting coach of the New York Mets starting Thursday. Know this: Rickey is my favorite non Red Sox of all time. This is just one reason why: In the early 1980s, the Oakland A’s accounting department was buggin’. The books were off $1 million. After an investigation, it was determined Rickey was the reason why. The GM asked him about a $1 million bonus he had received and Rickey said instead of cashing it, he framed it and hung it on a wall at his house.
3. Know this about steroids my friends: The chemists are light years ahead of the testers. She’s 2000 light years away. She holds my malachite so tight so…Never let go. Cause she’s 2000 light years away. If you have the cash and you know where to spend it, you can get yourself the PED Chronic. Creepin’ while ya sleepin’. Is it any wonder young Latino players without the wherewithal are the only cats getting themselves caught? I think not. Like Victor Conte and Peter Gammons, I believe the percentage of MLB, NBA and NFL players on the junk is far higher than anybody could fathom.
4. You saw Bronx is Burning right? You saw the opening scene where Billy yanks Reggie out of right and then lambastes him in the dugout, right? I was there. I was all of thirteen years old in the centerfield bleachers with my older brothers. Cool, huh?
5. Wanna know the difference between Phat Albert Winnie the Pujols and Michael Young. Huh? Do ya? Michael Young didn’t get into the All-Star Game either. He knows the rules. He knows there’s no crying in baseball. He went in to Jim Leyland’s office to thank him for being selected and being there. “I’m sorry I didn’t get you in,” said Leyland. “Stop it,” said Young. “I’m honored to have been here.” Now that’s what a baseball player sounds like.
6. Free-agent center Darko Milicic agreed in principle to a three-year contract with the Memphis Grizzlies. Darko who?
7. What are you doing November 3? I know what I’m doing. I’m watching Super Joe Calzaghe and Mikkel Kessler, undefeated super middleweight champions finally meet. I’m watching Super Joe Calzaghe and Mikkel Kessler, undefeated super middleweight champions unify their titles. I’m watching Super Joe Calzaghe and Mikkel Kessler, undefeated super middleweight champions finally decide who is the best 168-pound fighter in the world. Quick. Who’s the heavyweight champeen of the world? Gotcha.
8. The Mavericks want Little Stevie Franchise? What could they possibly be thinking? Ask any New York Knickerbockers fan what they think of that guy. He was good when he had hops. He doesn’t. He’s not. The Mavs aren’t the only ones out of their cotton pickin’ minds. The Rockets, Heat, Clippers and Lakers are also thinking in terms. Ha ha ha. Kobe Bean and the Franchise. Funny stuff.
9. Mark Bulger may hold out. Are you kidding me? Don’t you have to be good for holding out to mean anything?
10. OK, we’re still a ways off from football season, but does anybody really think the New England Patriots can be beaten. I don’t.
just beat the defending champs. The Celtics just stopped the second longest winning streak in NBA history. The Celtics just shut down the offensive juggernaut Mavs. The Celtics just shut down the offensive sluggernaut Mavs. The Celtics just shut down the offensive punch you in the muggernaut Mavs. The Boston Celtics are the best team in the free world. Like Neil Young, they keep on rockin’ in the free world. Rockin’ with defense. Tracy McGrady called them the best defense he’s ever seen in his eleven years in the NBA. The best defense there’s ever been in his eleven years in the NBA. The best defense since James Dean in his eleven years in the NBA. This is a team that last year went on stretches playing worse defense than Michael Redd. Worse defense than Antawn Jamison. Worse defense than Troy Hudson. This year, the Celtics are ranked number one in the National Basketball Association in points allowed. This year, the Celtics are ranked number one in the National Basketball 
Association in opponents field goal percentage. This year, the Celtics are ranked number one in the National Basketball Association in opponents three-point field goal percentage. This year, the Celtics are ranked number one in the National Basketball Association in point differential. What does it take to be number one? Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers. What does it take to be number one? Tom Thibodeau. That’s what. Tom Thibedeau, Celtics assistant coach. Tom Thibedeau, defensive guru. Defensive maharishi. Defensive swami. In his seventeen seasons as an assistant, Thibodeau has helped his teams finish in the NBA’s top ten in team 
defense fourteen times. Yowza! He helped the Rockets rank in the top five in the NBA in scoring defense and field goal percentage defense in all four years he was with the team. Holy cow! In his first year with Houston, Thibodeau helped the Rockets set franchise records in scoring defense and field goal percentage defense. Whoa Nelly! During his tenure with the Knicks, New York set a then-NBA record by holding thirty-three consecutive opponents under 100 points in the 2000-01 season. How about that! Now, the Celtics under Thibodeau, are suddenly playing defense. Suddenly Susan. Like that boy from INXS, they are playing suffocating defense. Smothering defense. Asphyxiating defense. They are cutting off the penetration. They are contesting every shot. They are trapping in the corners. They are crashing the boards. Rebounding, helping, switching, basically everything that you expect your team to do on defense. Crushing opponents on a nightly basis. Crushing opponents in a town near you. Is New Orleans a town near you? They got next. Lucky them.
quarter rally. And you saw the dunk. With authority! Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk! That nasty dunk gave the Celtics their first lead of the game. The Spurs kept it interesting. Champeens of the World will do that. Kept it interesting until…And I will eat them in the rain. And in the dark. And on a train. Sam I Am! Release. Rotation. Splash. That’s why he’s here. To take that shot. The shot for three, and it’s G double-O D. Ballgame! Isn’t that enough? You need more? More proof. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. The Celtics are on fire. Have been all season. But if you need more. More proof. This stretch right here will give it to you. The Celtics beat the Spurs last night. Beat the Spurs in the first game of a brutal four-game stretch. Stretch Armstrong. Stretch 
Cunningham. The Celtics play Houston tonight. The Celtics play Dallas Thursday. The Celtics play New Orleans Saturday. When all is said and done, the Celtics will be only the second team in NBA history to play four straight games, all on the road against teams that are at least 20 games over .500. That’s a tough stretch. But while everybody’s yipping about how good the West is. While everybody’s yapping about how much better the West is. While everybody’s yipping and yapping how so far superior the West is, the Celtics will be balling. Basketballing. It starts again tonight. It starts again tonight against the Houston Rockets. The red hot Rockets. The Celtics are 13-2 in the second half of back-to-back games. The Celtics have won twelve of their last thirteen overall. The Celtics already have more victories than they’ve had in any season since 1990-91. The buck stops here. 
muggernaut, Memphis. Not UCLA. Not the Big Bad Bruins. Not them. No, someone a little more subtle. Not too subtle. I like my jelly to jiggle if I’m not being too subtle. I’m going with Xavier. The Xavier Musketeers. All for one and one for all. Their jelly jiggles. Jiggle it just a little bit. I wanna see you jiggle it just a little bit. As it grooves. Their jelly just jiggled itself en route to its best season in school history. Their jelly just jiggled itself enroute to its third straight 20-win season and third consecutive NCAA tournament bid. I like these guys. I like these guys because they play defense. Defense wins championships. I like their seniors. I like Drew Lavender. I like Josh Duncan. I like Stanley Burrell. I like them to redeem themselves. To redeem themselves for the Temple loss this year. To redeem themselves for the 
most heartbreaking loss in school history one year ago. One year ago when the Musketeers couldn’t close out Ohio State in the second round. Like Marvin Hagler couldn’t close out Sugar Ray in the ninth. One year ago when Justin Cage missed the second of his two free throws in the closing seconds of regulation. One year ago when the Buckeyes made a threecola at the buzzer, then went on to win 78-71 in overtime. This team can do that. They can redeem themselves. They can do it in this here tournmaent. Six of Xavier’s wins came against NCAA Tournament teams. Five of them out of conference. While a nation is rooting for the Georgia Bulldogs, I’ll be rooting for the other guys. I’ll be rooting for Xavier.
said same Suns had 618 over five games against the 
shirking it on defense. The biggest knock on the Shaq trade was losing the Matrix‘ on other end of the floor. They discounted his perimeter defense. They discounted his ability to guard the point. They discounted the numbers made by the mismatches he created. It appears they’re finally figuring out life without Marion. The Suns have finally put two games of good defense together. Together, forever, that’s how it will be. The Suns held San Antonio to 34.9 percent shooting Sunday. The Suns limited Memphis to 41.7 percent shooting last night. Larger than Jim Backus, it’s the Cactus. The Big Cactus took only one shot in 16:36 of playing time last night. It’s the first time in his career that Shaq has played more than two minutes without taking at least two shots. How about that? How about this? Shaq may have only taken one shot last night, that’s fine. He still had fitty cent. He still had three big blocks. Mike D’Antoni: “He controlled the whole game.” He did, he really did. And his boy, Amare Stoudemire, was just a beast. Twenty-nine points and thirteen boards in thirty minutes. Yowza! Stoudemire: “We’re just scratching the surface of how good we can be.” I second that emotion. Be afraid Lakers fans. Be afraid Spurs fans. Be afraid Jazz fans. Be afraid Hornets fans. Be afraid Rockets fans. Be very, very afraid.
they’ve been lucky? Thought this was an accident? Thought you said are you all right, Spider. Think again. The Celtics’ position atop the NBA, contrary to popular opinion, has not been a result of a soft first half schedule. The Celtics’ position atop the NBA, contrary to popular opinion, has not been a result of a soft Eastern Conference. The Celtics’ position atop the NBA, contrary to popular opinion, has been a result of one thing and one thing only. They’re good. Real good. Last night, the Boston Celtics clinched a playoff spot by smashing everybody’s pet pick in the East. Smashed the Beasts of 
the East. Smashed them real good like. The Big Ticket smashed them. He didn’t fill it up for fifty while jawing with Spike Lee against the joke of the league. He did the right thing. He put on his hard hat and went to work. Put on his hard hat and scored thirty-one. He put on his hard hat and played defense. Tough defense. Rough defense. Dare I say it? Tenacious defense. The Celtics played team basketball. Five players on the floor functioning as one single unit: team, team, team. No one more important that the other. The Truth had fifteen, nailing the three-point dagger, threecola! Larry Bird style. Rajon Rondo contributed sixteen, including a thunderous, posterizing don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk in the mugs of Rip 
Hamilton and Jason Maxiell. Kendrick Perkins notched ten points and twenty boards. Twenty rebounds! Big Al who? The Celtics never trailed in this game. The Celtics never trailed in this statement sending game. This buckwheats sending game. Buckwheats is a whole other animal. A guy orders a buckwheats hit, it just doesn’t mean take the guy out, it means take the guy out in the most painful way possible. It means the vic should suffer. Typical buckwheat hit is to shoot a guy up the 
Celtics mystique. Like Scott Wedman was part of the Celtics mystique. Like ML Carr was part of the Celtics mystique. Like Bill Walton was part of the Celtics mystique. I take that back. Nobody’s like Bill Walton. Like Quinn Buckner was part of the Celtics mystique. Like Jim Paxon was part of the Celtics mystique. When you start getting those guys, guys like that there, when you start getting those guys, you’re in it. In it to win it. And that’s a feeling us Celtics fans haven’t had for a while. A long while. From White Castle to the Nile. Now I like nothing better than a pretty girl smile, and I haven’t seen a smile that pretty in a while. We’re smiling
playing at breakneck speed. Playing at breakneck speed to score 77 in the first half. Playing at breakneck speed in the first half going 68.2 percent from the floor . Showing Golden State the door. Declaring all out war. Declared all out war on the Golden State Warriors and just blew them out of the gym. Blew the Golden State Warriors out of the gym for the Jazz’ 13th consecutive win at EnergySolutions Arena. Their longest home winning streak since the 1996-97 season. The Karl Malone Utah Jazz. The John Stockton Utah Jazz. The Jeff Hornacek Utah Jazz. The Byron Russell Utah Jazz. The Antoine Carr Utah Jazz. The Greg Ostertag Utah Jazz. The NBA Finals Utah
Jazz. Coincidence? I think not. I think this here Jazz team has a good a shot as any to make this year’s NBA Finals. Deron Williams is one of the game’s best point guards. Jerry Sloan is the longest tenured head coach in basketball and has been to two NBA Finals. Carlos Boozer is a double-double machine. Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Double, double, toil and trouble. Something wicked this way comes. Throw in Mehmet Okur. Throw in AK47. Throw in Ronnie Brewer. Throw in those guys and you have a team that competes night after night. Fight after fight. People talk about the Pistons’ starting five, how ’bout this starting five? As good as any in the NBA. Outhustling folks. Outshooting folks. Outplaying folks. Outhistling, outshooting and outplaying their way straight to the NBA Finals.
post. The high priest in the low post. However, the Shaquille O’Neal of today is not the same Shaq of yesterday. Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday. The Shaquille O’Neal of today is not the same Shaq that ripped down rims. The Shaquille O’Neal of today is not the same Shaq that tore down backboards. The Shaquille O’Neal of today is not the same Shaq that led the Los Angeles Lakers to three championships. The Shaquille O’Neal of today is not even the same Shaq that led Miami to another one. Maybe I’m selfish. 
Selfish like a shellfish. But I want to see Shaq Daddy go out in a blaze of glory. My my, hey hey. It’s better to burn out than to fade away. My my, hey hey. I want to remember Shaq as the three time NBA Finals MVP. I want to remember Shaq as the NBA scoring champ. I want to remember Shaq as coming up just one vote short of becoming the first unanimous MVP in the NBA. I want to remember that drop step. The Black Tornado. I want to remember that little righty hook. I don’t want to see Half-a-Shaq. I don’t want to see Guy LaFleur toiling for the Nordiques and Rangers. I don’t want to see Michael with the Wizards. Say Hey with the Mets. Hakeem Olajuwan in a Toronto Raptors uniform. I understand why sports stars even twenty years ago stayed in the game too long. Salaries weren’t anywhere near where they are today. Shaq has duckets. Buckets of duckets. Get out now Shaq. Get out while you still can. Get out while the getting’s good. You will be missed, and that’s a good thing.
square. Be there like a big old grizzly bear. I’ll be there with a love that’s strong. I’ll be your strength. I’ll keep holding on. One of these two will be there to reestablish dominance. To take back what is rightfully theirs. And if Glen Big Baby Davis has anything to say about it, that team will be the Boston Celtics. While folks were watching Wild Card Weekend, I was watching good old-fashioned basketball. Eddie Shore basketball. NBA Basketball. Where amazing happens. Fan-tastic! I was watching the Boston Celtics hand the Deetroit 
Pistons their first loss in twelve games. I was watching the Boston Celtics take their own ninth straight. I was watching Big Baby break out of his diapers. Awwww, you broke your cherry! Sugar Ray Allen didn’t have it. The Big Ticket was in big foul trouble. But there’s no need to fear, Big Baby is here. Big Baby led all scorers with twenty points. Twenty big points. Including sixteen big points in the big fourth quarter. KG double-teamed. Underneath to Big baby. The Truth mobbed driving the lane. Underneath to Big Baby. Again and again. There’s Big Baby crashing the offensive boards. There’s Big Baby converting three point opportunities. There’s Big Baby playing like he’s back at the Pistol Pete Assembly Center. But this wasn’t La Tech he was up against. Not Ole Miss. This was the Deetroit Pistons. The Bad Boys. Rasheed Wallace. Forcing Rasheed Wallace to settle for jump shots. Owning Rasheed Wallace on the offensive glass. The big question at the beginning of the season was the Celtics bench. It looks like the big answer is the Big Baby. Roll Celtics, Roll! 
“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” The number one team in the East has to go after the number two team in the East with a club. Make no mistake, this is a test. A real test. For the next forty-eight minutes this team will conduct a test of the National Basketball Association. The Deetroit Pistons have won 50 or more games in six straight seasons. The Deetroit Pistons have made five straight trips to the conference finals. The Deetroit Pistons may just have the best starting five in the league. A win tonight would give the Celtics the best start in franchise history and the third-best in NBA history. Yes, sports 
fans, tonight’s the night. It’s gonna be all right. Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now. Not in our house. Not in the middle of the street. Not in our castle and our keep. Not where the Celtics are undefeated. But tonight is just the beginning. Tonight is just the start. Tonight starts a stretch in which the Celtics play seven of ten games against teams that can be called contenders. You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am. Which is what they were. The times they are a changing. So, it will be Deetroit. It will be Thunder Dwight Howard and the Magic. Thunder, putting up thirty-point, 
fifteen-rebound games seemingly every night. Then the C’s hit the road. Hit the road Jack and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. On the road they will face the Utah Jazz. Then they will face the reborn Lakers. Forcing themselves into the Western Conference elite. They will face Yao and the Rockets. Then its drizzle, drazzle, dradle, drone. Time for this one to come home. Time to come back home for another match-up with the Deetroit Pistons. Then we’ll see what’s what. Then we’ll see where this team stands. This is make or break time. This is the stuff legends are made. The time is here. The time is now!
ball into play and the pass hits the top of the backboard and it’s over! They won three in a row, they came from 3-1 down and they have won the series!!! It’s all over!!! Or: And it goes quickly now into Magic, back over to Worthy and it’s picked off. Off to Henderson and he lays it up and in. It’s all tied up. That’s a nice play by Henderson. Or: Now there’s a steal by Bird! Underneath to DJ who lays it in!!…Right at one second left!! What a play by Bird! Bird stole the inbounding pass, laid it up to DJ, and DJ laid it up and in, and Boston has a one-point lead with one second left! OH, MY, THIS PLACE IS GOING CRAZY!!! Yes it’s been a while. It’s been a while since I could hold my head up high. And it’s been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again. Well, I can stand on my own two feet now. Back in the saddle again now. The 
Celtics are still undefeated now. I know, I know. It’s early. It’s only three games in. But still. My God! Did you see it? Did you believe it? The Celtics had seventy-seven points by halftime. By halftime! Only eight points shy of tying the franchise record for points in a first half. A record set when another Big Three roamed the planet. Boston was up as many as forty-one points twice in the third quarter. What? Is Belichick coaching this team? No, just Doc Rivers. Not plane, nor bird, nor even frog, it’s just little old me, Underdog. Just little old him, Doc Rivers. Doc Rivers, like Lou Gherig, the luckiest man on the face of the earth. With Doc Rivers at the helm, the Cs shot 71.2 percent 
through three quarters. Doc: “We played well, but I’m telling you guys, we’re better than that.” If they’re better than that, the rest of the NBA is in for a long season. The Celtics get the rock to the right guy at the right time all night long. Let it roll, baby, roll. Let it roll, all night long. The Celtics simply own the glass. Who owns da Chiefs? Owns. They protect the rim. They swarm to the ball. This a team to be reckoned with I reckon. Ridin’ the range once more. Totin’ my old .44. Where you sleep out every night. And the only law is right. Back in the saddle again.
Eng and Chang Cup: Eng and Chang, the most famous conjoined twins of all time. Jerry Buss and Kobe . I’m stuck on Band-Aid, ’cause Band-Aid’s stuck on me! The question on everyone’s mind these is days is where will Kobe end up? Probably in hell, but that is much further on down the line. For now, much to his and Dr. Buss’ dismay, he stays a Laker. Know this: The Lakers ownership has always conducted business with two objectives in mind. 1) They must contend for a championship. 2) They must earn that almighty entertainment dollar. I’ve got a pocket full of pretty green. I’m gonna put it in the fruit machine. I’m gonna put it in the juke box. It’s gonna play all the records in the hit parade. Buss may be able live with one and not the other for a short while. But no how, no way does he live without either. No how, no way. The Lakers can’t win a championship. No how, no way. No trade they make for Kobe changes that. So that brings us back to number two. The pretty green. Who can the Lakers get back for Kobe that will allow Dr. Buss to play all the records in the hit parade. Nobody. That’s who. Not Madison Square Gordon. Not Josh Howard. So, Kobe stays. Kobe pouts. Kobe complains. Kobe fills it up. Both the basket and the stadium.
The Jimmy Two Times Award: And then there was Jimmy Two Times, who got that nickname because he said everything twice, like: I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers. The San Antonio Spurs. Repeat baby, repeat. Like Bum Phillips said of Don Shula: “He can take his’n and beat your’n, and he can take your’n and beat his’n.” That’s how I feel about Gregg Popovich. He gets the absolute best out of every player on his team. He has the respect of each and every one of them. At personalities he is the ultimate chemist. Another championship is looming. It also doesn’t hurt when you have the best player in the league on your team.
Butch Van Breda Kolff Cup: Butch lasted sixteen days as Suns head coach in 1972. Seven games in all. Mike Woodson of the Atlanta Hawks should consider himself lucky if he lasts that long. The Hawks must win now. They must, they must, they must improve their bust. Hot Lanta’s eight-year playoff drought is the NBA’s longest-active streak. Woodson has made some headway with his young roster, but the former Larry Brown flunky has not been able to get the Hawks out of the lottery in his first three seasons. Mike Woodson, you’re on the Budweiser Hot Seat.
Hatfields & McCoys Award: AK47 and Jerry Sloan. Last year the Jazz hardly challenged the Spurs in the playoffs. Put no fear into the heart of men. I blame Andrei. Kirilenko could be heard crying like a little devochka from hear to Izhevsk. It didn’t stop there. This offseason, AK made another stink about not wanting to continue playing for coach Sloan. If the Jazz want to do anything this post-season, Kirilenko must accept his role and start playing like force he was a few years ago. Don’t bet on it.
to be wreckin’ with. I wreck shop, now pull your leg I beg your pardon. And rock a wicked rhyme like eighty-six at the Garden. We wreck shop, you know we wreck shop. You know we know we know we wreck shop. The Celtics will be wreckin’ shop all right. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Big Al. I hate to see him go. I really do. Twenty-two years old and nothing but up side. Upside out the backside. But we’re talking KG here. The Big Ticket. We’re talking about winning now. Serenity now! And as they say, a ring in the hand is worth two in the bush. Paul 
Pierce, the most unsung baller in the league today, finally gets a stud to play alongside with. Ray Ray to boot? Fuhgettaboutit! Last year, before all the injuries, the Celtics were atop the Hot ‘Lantic. This year, with Garnett, they will be atop the NBA. On top of the world looking down on creation. Russell, Cousy and Heinson. Cowens, Havlicek and Jo-Jo. Bird, Mchale and Parrish. Now, Pierce, Allen and Garnett. Sing it with me 
2. Let him coach! I know. I was lobbying for Oakland to heed to Rickey’s wishes and allow him to finish the year with the A’s. The Mets have done the next best thing. Rickey Henderson is replacing Rick Down as hitting coach of the New York Mets starting Thursday. Know this: Rickey is my favorite non Red Sox of all time. This is just one reason why: In the early 1980s, the Oakland A’s accounting department was buggin’. The books were off $1 million. After an investigation, it was determined Rickey was the reason why. The GM asked him about a $1 million bonus he had received and Rickey said instead of cashing it, he framed it and hung it on a wall at his house.
4. You saw Bronx is Burning right? You saw the opening scene where Billy yanks Reggie out of right and then lambastes him in the dugout, right? I was there. I was all of thirteen years old in the centerfield bleachers with my older brothers. Cool, huh?
7. What are you doing November 3? I know what I’m doing. I’m watching Super Joe Calzaghe and Mikkel Kessler, undefeated super middleweight champions finally meet. I’m watching Super Joe Calzaghe and Mikkel Kessler, undefeated super middleweight champions unify their titles. I’m watching Super Joe Calzaghe and Mikkel Kessler, undefeated super middleweight champions finally decide who is the best 168-pound fighter in the world. Quick. Who’s the heavyweight champeen of the world? Gotcha.