Josh Q. Public:Yo back up now and give a brother room. The fuse is lit and I’m about to go boom. Boom! Shake-shake-shake the room. Tic-tic-tic-tic boom! -Fresh Prince
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! The Boomer. The shake the roomer. Like Mazda, the zoom zoom zoomer. Like Arnold, it’s not a tumor. Unable to obtain a proven starter, Dem Bums addressed their beleaguered pitching staff woes by reaching a tentative contract agreement with free agent David Wells. Great move by the Dodgers. Great move. Why not take a flier out on this cat? They ain’t out of it yet. Just two and a half back in the Wild Card standings. Hey, he may not be a world beater anymore. He may have given up twenty-six runs in his final 16 2/3 innings with the Padres. He may have ended up with a 5-8 record and a 5.54 ERA. He may have done all that, but this guy can still find the strike zone. He’s a three-time All-Star who led the American League in wins in 2000. No small feat. He has 235 victories in a 21-year career. Just one shy behind Whitey Ford for 12th all-time among left-handers. But most importantly, most importantly, he pitches big in big games on the big stage. I’ve had enough, I’m getting out. To the city, the big big city. I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys. Big time. So much larger than life. Larger than life in twenty-seven postseason games. Larger than life winning an American League Championship Series MVP Award. Larger than life with World Series rings from both the New York Yankees and the Toronto Blue Jays. He’s been there. He’s done that. He can do it again. And know this sports fans. He’s coming cheap. Very cheap. The Dodgers are required to pay only $80,000 of the $1 million left on his guaranteed contract, with the Padres picking up the rest. What a bargain! Nobody beats the Wiz! Especially when you consider Jason Schmidt, who made just six starts, hasn’t pitched in more than two months and left-hander Randy Wolf has been out since the first week of July. The Dodgers have trotted Brett Tomko out to the mound. The Dodgers have trotted Mark Hendrickson out to the mound. The Dodgers have trotted rookie Eric Stults out to the mound. They even trotted left-hander Hong-Chih Kuo out there before he went down with elbow surgery. Why not trot out the Boomer. Why not trot out a guy with a perfect game under his belt. With a skull rattling hangover, yet. Why not trot out a strike throwing machine. Why not trot out a money pitcher who’s the most money in the moniest of games. You’re so money and you don’t even know it! You know what you are? You’re like a big bear with claws and with fangs. Why not send out this big bear with claws and fangs. Why not try and win a pennant?
Public Acknowledgements: LA Times, Kindergarten Cop, Peter Gabriel, Seinfeld and Swingers
Josh Q. Public:But don’t forget who’s taking you home and in whose arms you’re gonna be. So darlin’, save the last dance for me. -The Drifters
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Move over Eck. Move over Goose. Move over Mariano. Move it on over. Won’t'cha rock it on over. Move over cool dogs, a hot dog’s movin’ in. Trevor Hoffman’s moving in. Moving in front of the line. Moving in front of the closer conga line. Come on shake your body baby, do the conga. I know you can’t control yourself any longer. Trevor Hoffman can’t control himself any longer. Trevor Hoffman feels the rhythm of the music getting stronger. Just got his his 500th save. Five hundred! Yowza! Hell’s Bells! Hells bells, you got me ringing. Hells bells, my temperature’s high. Hell’s Bells, he already has the Major League record. Hell’s Bells, he already has seventeen saves this season. Hell’s Bells, he already has the most devastating change up in all of baseball. A disgusting, foul, rank, nauseating, repulsive palm ball. He uses the same arm speed he uses to throw his fastball. Mugs think it’s a fastball. It sure looks like a fastball. It sure smells like a fastball. It sure tastes like a fastball. But it ain’t a fastball. It’s a Bugs Bunny change. Watch me paste this pathetic palooka with a powerful paralyzing perfect pachyderms percussion pitch. Yerrrr out! I’m out? That’s what the man said, you heard the man…! Now Trevor has done it. He has just become the first player to ever hit 500. Ever. Rollie Fingers didn’t do it. Lee Smith didn’t do it. Sure times have changed. I understand the present now will soon be the past. The order is rapidly fading. The first one now will later be last. For the times, they are a-changing. But I also understand Mariano won’t do it. I also understand no other active player is even remotely close. You should understand he probably is the most underrated player in baseball today. You should also understand he will immediately go into the Hall of Fame. He will not pass go. He will not collect his two hundred dollars. He will retire as the best closer of all time. You better recognize! And dat’s de end.
Public Acknowledgements: George Thorogood, Gloria Estefan, Baseball Bugs, Bob Dylan and Monopoly.
Josh Q. Public:On the Dixie Cannonball. On the Dixie Cannonball. Just listen to the whistle, it’ll thrill you one and all. Just shut my mouth, I’m headin’ south, on the Dixie Cannonball. -Hank Williams
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Like my main man Steve Erkel always says: “Anybody got any cheese?” Jake Peavy gots himself some cheese. Cheese if you please. Cheese more mind boggling than Parkinson’s disease. Jake has some cheese all right. High cheese. Hard cheese. 100 miles per hour cheese. Sharp like cheddar. He pitches better. Had some sharp cheddar the other night. In his last start, Jake allowed a paltry three hits. A paltry three hits over seven scoreless innings. In seven scoreless innings, he was throwing that speedball by you. Making you look like a fool boy. Made the Cardinals look like fools boy. Goose got me loose. Gone on Patrone. Money in my pocket. And I’m all up in the zone like oooooooh Ima act a fool. Peavy was up in the zone. The Cardinals were acting a fool. Peavy struck out ten Red Birds to become the first pitcher in Padre history to strike out ten or more batters over four consecutive starts. Yowza! He also became the first pitcher in the modern era to record ten strikeouts in four straight games without pitching more than seven innings in any of them. Another Yowza! As a matter of fact, no pitcher has had four straight double-digit strikeout games regardless of his number of innings pitched since the Big Eunuch did it for the 2004 Diamondbacks. Yowza! Yowza! Yowza! Richie Cunningham style. Peavy has nasty stuff. Disgusting stuff. Revolting stuff. What a revoltin’ development this is! How revoltin’? Just ask Phat Albert Winnie the Pujols: ”He was filthy out there. Today was the first time I saw the ball real well against him and I still couldn’t get him.” Nobody’s been able to get him. Peavy is 5-1. Peavy leads all of baseball with sixty-six Ks. Sit on it Potsie. Peavy has the second best ERA in baseball at 1.52. Peavy is having a career year. He already has tied his franchise record with sixteen punchados back in April. He already threw a one hitter. He already is making his case to be the best pitcher in the world. The Dixie Cannonball.
Public Acknowledgements: Family Matters, Beastie Boys, ESPN, San Diego Union Tribune, Bruce Springsteen, Seymour Seywoff, Ludacris, Happy Days and The Life of Riley.
Josh Q. Public: Wo! I feel nice, like sugar and ####e. I feel nice, like sugar and ####e. So nice, so nice! -James Brown
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Life got you down, Binky? You need a little pick me up? Need a little feel good? Need it real good? Better than a Ferris wheel good? Well, I got just the thing. Just what the doctor ordered. Like Wycleaf Jean, I am your doctor. Here comes the doctor baby worry no more. I will bring the remedy baby I will bring the cure. Give you what you want and absolutely I am sure. Like my main man Alexander Pope always says: “Hope springs eternal in the human breast: Man never is, but always to be Blest.” Three feel good stories of this spring. Three stories of hope springing eternal. Three profiles in courage:
Josh Hamilton:Athens Drive High School. Raleigh, North Carolina. Phenom. Phenomenal. High School All-American. Two-time winner of the North Carolina Gatorade High School Player of the Year Award. USA Baseball’s Amateur Player of the Year. Baseball America High School Player of the Year. All that and a bag of sunflower seeds. The kid had it all. Standing tall. The most exciting prospect in all of baseball. He had the intangibles. He had desire. He had drive. He had composure. He had competitiveness. He had coachability. This was the stuff dreams were made. First pick in the draft. Four million dollar bonus baby. The Devil Rays drafted him instead of taking Josh Boom Boom Beckett with the overall top pick. Played some minor league ball. Got hurt. Got hooked on the horse. Oh, and I guess that he just didn’t know. Lost three years of his life. Lost three years waiting for his man. Lost three years twenty-six dollars in his hand. Lost three years up to Lexington, 1-2-5. Lost three years feeling sick and dirty, more dead than alive. Lost three years waiting for his man. But like Jack Torrance, he’s baaack. Back and as good as ever. Back with the Cincinnati Reds. Back with a vengeance. Back into spring training batting .476 (20-42). He has launched a 500-foot bomb. By April 1, he should be the Reds starting centerfielder. Pushing Junior to right. Look at me, I can be, centerfield. Teammate Ryan Freel: “He’s a great story.” He certainly is Ryan, he certainly is.
Jon Lester: Bellarmine Preparatory School. Tacoma, Washington. Another Phenom. Another Phenomenal. Another Gatorade State Player of the Year. Tore up the minor leagues. Portland Sea Dogs. League-leading 2.61 ERA. League-best 163 strikeouts. Eastern League Pitcher of the Year. Red Sox Minor League Pitcher of the Year. Left-handed pitcher on the Eastern League’s year-end All-Star team. Year-end Topps AA All-Star squad. On top of the world looking down on creation. Best young pitcher in the nation. More fun than 101 Dalmatians. The rookie lefty made his Major League debut in June. The rookie lefty went 7-2. The rookie lefty threw sixty Ks in eighty innings. The rookie lefty contracted the cancer. On August 27th, 2006 Lester was scratched from his scheduled start due to a sore back. The following day he was placed on the 15 day disabled list. Three days later, it was reported that Lester had been diagnosed with a treatable form of anaplastic large cell lymphoma. There it was. There was a kind of hush all over the world. A deafening hush. Made my insides turn to mush. Another dream crushed. But this kid’s a fighter. He fights. He fought off the cancer. And just like Josh Hamilton, who just like Jack Torrance, is baaaack! On March 5, Lester made his first appearance in a 2007 spring training game. He threw 8 pitches and retired the 3 batters he faced. Good news. Real good news. Oh my baby’s comin’ home tomorrow, ain’t that good news, yeah, ain’t that news. My baby is coming home tomorrow, ain’t that news, yeah, ain’t that news. Diana Ross & the Supremes style.
Cooper Brannan: Cooper Brannan, San Diego Padres. Cooper Brannan, United States Marine Corps. First to fight for right and freedom, and to keep our honor clean. We are proud to claim the title of United States Marines. Fighting for right and freedom in Falluja, Iraq. Squad leader. Second tour of duty. He noticed that one of his Marines was missing a grenade. He moved to lend one from his own supply. Brannan: “I reached back on the left side of my flack. I had an extra one. And as I handed it to him, it just went off in my hand.” Went off in his hand and blew off three fingers. Purple Heart. The doctors were able to save all but his pinky on his glove hand. You’re in the big leagues now. His fastball touches 93 mph, but a curve ball’s what his pitch is. So here he comes, like dum ditty dum. He keeps all five boroughs in stitches. Cooper Brannan will try to distinguish himself once again. This time in a different uniform. This time in a Padre uniform. Another uniform he is proud to wear.
josh q. public. For the public, by The Public. Irreverent sports opinion from a Bostonian in New York. The one blog to read, when you’re reading more than one. Good to the last drop!
the strike zone. He’s a three-time All-Star who led the American League in wins in 2000. No small feat. He has 235 victories in a 21-year career. Just one shy behind Whitey Ford for 12th all-time among left-handers. But most importantly, most importantly, he pitches big in big games on the big stage. I’ve had enough, I’m getting out. To the city, the big big city. I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys. Big time. So much larger than life. Larger than life in twenty-seven postseason games. Larger than life winning an American League Championship Series MVP Award. Larger than life with World Series rings from both the New York Yankees and the Toronto Blue Jays. He’s been there. He’s done that. He can do it again. And know this sports fans. He’s coming cheap. Very cheap. The Dodgers are required to pay only $80,000 of the $1 million left on his guaranteed 
contract, with the Padres picking up the rest. What a bargain! Nobody beats the Wiz! Especially when you consider Jason Schmidt, who made just six starts, hasn’t pitched in more than two months and left-hander Randy Wolf has been out since the first week of July. The Dodgers have trotted Brett Tomko out to the mound. The Dodgers have trotted Mark Hendrickson out to the mound. The Dodgers have trotted rookie Eric Stults out to the mound. They even trotted left-hander Hong-Chih Kuo out there 
before he went down with elbow surgery. Why not trot out the Boomer. Why not trot out a guy with a perfect game under his belt. With a skull rattling hangover, yet. Why not trot out a strike throwing machine. Why not trot out a money pitcher who’s the most money in the moniest of games. You’re so money and you don’t even know it! You know what you are? You’re like a big bear with claws and with fangs. Why not send out this big bear with claws and fangs. Why not try and win a pennant?
Hell’s Bells, he already has the Major League record. Hell’s Bells, he already has seventeen saves this season. Hell’s Bells, he already has the most devastating change up in all of baseball. A disgusting, foul, rank, nauseating, repulsive palm ball. He uses the same arm speed he uses to throw his fastball. Mugs think it’s a fastball. It sure looks like a fastball. It sure smells like a fastball. It sure tastes like a fastball. But it ain’t a fastball. It’s a Bugs Bunny change. Watch me paste this pathetic palooka with a powerful paralyzing perfect pachyderms percussion pitch. Yerrrr out! I’m out? That’s what the man said, you heard the man…! Now Trevor has done it. He has just become the first player to ever hit 500. Ever. Rollie Fingers didn’t 
do it. Lee Smith didn’t do it. Sure times have changed. I understand the present now will soon be the past. The order is rapidly fading. The first one now will later be last. For the times, they are a-changing. But I also understand Mariano won’t do it. I also understand no other active player is even remotely close. You should understand he probably is the most underrated player in baseball today. You should also understand he will immediately go into the Hall of Fame. He will not pass go. He will not collect his two hundred dollars. He will retire as the best closer of all time. You better recognize! And dat’s de end.
seven innings in any of them. Another Yowza! As a matter of fact, no pitcher has had four straight double-digit strikeout games regardless of his number of innings pitched since the Big Eunuch did it for the 2004 Diamondbacks. Yowza! Yowza! Yowza! Richie Cunningham style. Peavy has nasty stuff. Disgusting stuff. Revolting stuff. What a revoltin’ development this is! How revoltin’? Just ask Phat Albert Winnie the Pujols: ”He was filthy out there. Today was the first time I saw the ball real well against him and I still couldn’t get him.” Nobody’s been able to get him. Peavy is 5-1. Peavy leads all of baseball with sixty-six Ks. Sit on it Potsie. Peavy has the second best ERA in baseball at 1.52. Peavy is having a career year. He already has tied his franchise record with sixteen punchados back in April. He already threw a one hitter. He already is making his case to be the best pitcher in the world. The Dixie Cannonball.
Josh Hamilton: Athens Drive High School. Raleigh, North Carolina. Phenom. Phenomenal. High School All-American. Two-time winner of the North Carolina Gatorade High School Player of the Year Award. USA Baseball’s Amateur Player of the Year. Baseball America High School Player of the Year. All that and a bag of sunflower seeds. The kid had it all. Standing tall. The most 
exciting prospect in all of baseball. He had the intangibles. He had desire. He had drive. He had composure. He had competitiveness. He had coachability. This was the stuff dreams were made. First pick in the draft. Four million dollar bonus baby. The Devil Rays drafted him instead of taking Josh Boom Boom Beckett with the overall top pick. Played some minor league ball. Got hurt. Got hooked on the horse. Oh, and I guess that he just didn’t know. Lost three years of his life. Lost three years waiting for his man. Lost three years 
twenty-six dollars in his hand. Lost three years up to Lexington, 1-2-5. Lost three years feeling sick and dirty, more dead than alive. Lost three years waiting for his man. But like Jack Torrance, he’s baaack. Back and as good as ever. Back with the Cincinnati Reds. Back with a vengeance. Back into spring training batting .476 (20-42). He has launched a 500-foot bomb. By April 1, he should be the Reds starting centerfielder. Pushing Junior to right. Look at me, I can be, centerfield. Teammate Ryan Freel: “He’s a great story.” He certainly is Ryan, he certainly is. 
Jon Lester: Bellarmine Preparatory School. Tacoma, Washington. Another Phenom. Another Phenomenal. Another Gatorade State Player of the Year. Tore up the minor leagues. Portland Sea Dogs. League-leading 2.61 ERA. League-best 163 strikeouts. Eastern League Pitcher of the Year. Red Sox Minor League Pitcher of the Year. Left-handed pitcher on the Eastern League’s year-end All-Star team. Year-end Topps AA All-Star squad. On top of the world looking down on creation. Best young pitcher in the nation. More fun than 101 Dalmatians. The rookie lefty made his Major League debut in June. The rookie lefty went 7-2. The rookie lefty threw sixty Ks 
in eighty innings. The rookie lefty contracted the cancer. On August 27th, 2006 Lester was scratched from his scheduled start due to a sore back. The following day he was placed on the 15 day disabled list. Three days later, it was reported that Lester had been diagnosed with a treatable form of anaplastic large cell lymphoma. There it was. There was a kind of hush all over the world. A deafening hush. Made my insides turn to mush. Another dream crushed. But this kid’s a fighter. He fights. He fought off the 
cancer. And just like Josh Hamilton, who just like Jack Torrance, is baaaack! On March 5, Lester made his first appearance in a 2007 spring training game. He threw 8 pitches and retired the 3 batters he faced. Good news. Real good news. Oh my baby’s comin’ home tomorrow, ain’t that good news, yeah, ain’t that news. My baby is coming home tomorrow, ain’t that news, yeah, ain’t that news. Diana Ross & the Supremes style.
back on the left side of my flack. I had an extra one. And as I handed it to him, it just went off in my hand.” Went off in his hand and blew off three fingers. Purple Heart. The doctors were able to save all but his pinky on his glove hand. You’re in the big leagues now. His fastball touches 93 mph, but a curve ball’s what his pitch is. So here he comes, like dum ditty dum. He keeps all five boroughs in stitches. Cooper Brannan will try to distinguish himself once again. This time in a different uniform. This time in a Padre uniform. Another uniform he is proud to wear.
